Wednesday, December 30, 2009


I have a few tips to deal with the pain of Fibromyalgia.

Tip #1

A heating pad works wonders for the pain.

Tip #2

A heating pad combined with pain medication works wonders.

Tip #3

If all else fails.

Maybe now I can get some sleep.


Does it ever stop?

For the past few weeks I've been paralyzed. Again. 

And again. 

And again. 

I can feel myself being sucked down the rabbit hole and the dementers have taken my happiness. I feel cold. I just want to shut myself away. 

This isn't anything new. This has been happening to me off an on since my father died. All of a sudden my idyllic life was shattered and I realized that I was not immortal and that life could go away at a moments notice. It's a part of me that I kept buried underneath my laughter and a smile. I have never liked too many people knowing me too well. That "knowing" is only reserved for a select few. Some think they know me well but they have no idea that they've encountered the wall. They have no idea what's behind it and they never will.

The problem now is that since my accident nothing can be controlled. This is the same accident that is causing the pain of Fibromyalgia that has plagued my body for the last year and a half. This is the same accident that caused the pain in my lower back to spin into hyper-drive. This is the same accident that has caused my body to be on an out-of-control roller coaster and this is the same accident that the attorney's and my Fibromyalgia doctor say has done nothing to me. The pain, the headaches, emotional distress, I guess, is my imagination.

It comes on slowly. I start to notice that the smile doesn't quite reach my eyes. I have to reach into my stage presence and become the actor when I speak with people. I find myself not wanting to leave my house and resenting the fact that I have a profession that requires an intimate interaction with people. A new home salesperson has to reach a prospect on a gut level so they trust enough to open up to you about their needs. You won't reach anyone if the look on your face says, "I hurt like hell and I really don't give a s**t whether you're here or not." 

I also don't want this depression to affect my daughters joy. I especially don't want to worry her either. I don't have enough money left to go into therapy which I'm feeling that I need more and more every day. I still have a problem admitting this weakness to anyone. It's a little black raincloud that follows me about and just numbs me out. Sometimes in the back of my mind I wonder if it's all worth it and THAT scares me. I've never had that feeling before. Ever. My confidence has gone away and I'm in an emotional coma. I don't think I could make a decision on anything right now and I hide behind the Scarlett O'Hara syndrome: I'll think about it tomorrow. I don't know which  tomorrow will bring me out of all this so I can start dealing with everything that I'm facing right now, but, I can't do anything about that either. 

I know that sleep will be elusive. I crave it and can't have it. I look in the mirror and hate my face, my body and my hands.

I'm in the black hole and there's only a little bit of light so I can see. I know this is temporary but each descent into the black hole goes deeper and stays longer since this blasted accident. It's total b.s. that this has done nothing to me. I may have had minor symptoms before but it's different now. If I was close to the edge of the cliff before, the accident threw me off of that same cliff. I'm battered and bruised but I have to find some strength to face these emotional demons and banish them to never never land.

I'm just so glad that there is still light in the midst of the darkness.

Thursday, December 24, 2009


It's Christmas Eve. 

What an evening it's been too. For the last two weeks I've watched my almost son-in-law stress out about asking my daughter to marry him. He's been adorable. He got down on one knee and asked her in front of the whole family. She, of course, cried through the whole speech. It was an unbelievable feeling watching her surprise and the tears of joy that streamed down her face. They are a wonderful couple and they'll have a great marriage.

It's also the one year anniversary of Mr. C's mothers death. He's doing well but it's been a rough year for him. I remember losing my parents and there are still days where the hurt of the loss is still there. I think the first year is the hardest and then it get's better from then on. 

Because the world of real estate still stinks I had to get creative with presents this year. I researched essential oils and I made bath salts for everyone. They turned out great and I actually had requests for more. 

Now to how I feel. Like crap. How's that for an answer? It's been cool out and the humidity was up. My hands and legs still have most of my pain and it hasn't stopped. The endocrinologist thought the pain might be from the thyroid but I've been on medication around 30+ days and I don't feel any different.  So it's back to the same thing; curled up with my heating pad, not sleeping and putting up with pain.

Merry Christmas to me and joy to the world.

For now, I think I just want a silent night.

Saturday, December 12, 2009


Years ago I bought this indulgently wonderful item that melts wax and you can dip your hands in  and the heat and wax will soften your hands. I get a double benefit.  My hands hurt and it soothes them and I get the softening benefit as well. 

I just wish I could dip my whole body in it.


Todays forecast:
Rainy, cloudy, gloomy with rapidly developing whining, complaining and crying.

The humidity at 9 a.m was 70%

I guess this means I take the dreaded pain medication before the "ow" becomes a howl that resonates through the valley.

I know that Fibromyalgia symptoms differ from person to person but from everything I read weather does affect most people with this illness.

Can weather exacerbate the symptoms?

In 2002 a study was done where fibro sufferers and healthy individuals were asked to rate their pain scale every day for 12 months. After 12 months the statistics were correlated to the weather. Researchers found that pain increased in fibromyalgia patients with the change in the weather and as atmospheric pressure fell. Pain, stiffness and fatigue showed a strong intercorrelation with weather patterns.

I keep saying it.

I'm better than a barometer.

Thursday, December 10, 2009


The XMRV virus - what is it?

X - Xenotropic
M - Murine leukemia virus
R - Related
V - Virus

What a nice friendly looking retrovirus.............

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia have been largely dismissed by the medical community as either the "yuppie flu" or a mysterious disease based largely on the imagination of neurotic depressed women. This has lead thousands of women on a quest to find a doctor, any doctor, that will listen to them when they say they are sick.

Staggering figures.

A study recently published found the retrovirus in 67% of patients with Chronic Fatigue. Later on the researchers reported 95% of the patients tested positive with antibody testing. Also it was suggested that 10 million Americans may carry this recently discovered retrovirus.

A veritable cornucopia of viruses.

Chronic fatigue and Fibromyalgia have long been associated with all types of viruses including, Epstein-Barr, cytomegalovirus, Coxsackie viruses, echoviruses, enterviruses and parvovirus B19. 


From the very beginning it has been suspected that a retrovirus was involved. As early as 1986 an immunovirologist described retroviral activity in the cells of CFS patients but the actual virus wasn't described. 

It's just a start.

Other viruses could still play a part but this is promising. More research will still need to be done to confirm the part that it plays in this illness and to understand the full effects of this virus in general. The virus leads to immune dysfunction by damaging an antiviral pathway in the body. Considering that Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue have been described as autoimmune diseases it's very possible that the XMRV is responsible. I hope that the funding dollars   will be there so that this valuable research can continue.

Is it contagious? What can help?

XMRV is thought to be transmitted through bodily fluids. That would make it infectious but genes and other predisposing factors appear to play a role in actually getting sick. Low dose naltrexone has been used in treatment with the retrovirus that causes AIDS. There are not a lot of side effects and has been used in the treatment of Chronic fatigue. 

After years of doctors saying that we're crazy maybe there now might just be an answer so Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue will have the validation of the medical community at large.