Thursday, March 31, 2011


I've been saying it all along.
The car accident tripped some sort of domino.
But nobody believes it.
Maybe now, they will.


A new study was done to determine the relationship between chronic widespread pain and physical trauma.

I've read tons of posts and articles and quite a few people will tell you that they know the EXACT day their problems started. I've always stated that even though I had some back pain before this accident, everything could be controlled.  Yes, it was annoying but it didn't slow me down except for the few times that it would go out and then I'd be laid up for a few weeks. After it was over it was back to business as usual. I can't tell you how many other people have told me the same story.

Since the 2008 accident it has been so difficult to get anyone to believe that it WAS the cause of  all the problems that I've had the past few years. Everyone has said that it's too hard to prove that the Fibromyalgia was caused by the car accident. I can tell you that everything changed after that day, but getting the opposing attorney to buy it is something else.

This study has found that road traffic accidents to tend to cause widespread physical pain in a way that other physical trauma does not. They now are wondering what is different about a traffic accident.

It makes sense to me that when the body braces for impact and that the impact causes trauma to your spine and neck SOMETHING has to be injured. I truly believe that injury caused the area that perceives pain to react in a totally different way. I'm not saying that there may not be different triggers but what I am saying, at least in my case, is that I have a problem that can be traced back to the automobile accident of 2008.

I know it's one study but I'm hopeful that it can start the ball rolling on other studies that will prove that car accidents can cause Fibromyalgia.


Saturday, March 26, 2011


It never fails.
The weather acts up.
The triplets show up.
Did I say triplets?
What happened to the twins?

Lately I've been blessed with triplets. The twins were pain and fatigue but I've added another sister. 

This one is depression. 

It's been difficult to write about "me" lately. I've missed the feeling that I get when I write. That feeling that I've got something to say and the fun of finding the right words to say it. I've always believed that if you're going to write you should be able to push back the veil and be open to "being open."  The beauty of sharing yourself as well as healing yourself, however, there is only so much pain and fatigue that you can take before the other sister shows up. It's not fun trying to smile when you body is in pain. 

Then you stop trying to smile.

I feel like I'm existing until I have a day without pain and fatigue. Hell, I'll even take one of the two. Then when I have a day where I can function, I try to get the things done that I need to do. Or, I try to do things that are even a little bit of fun. 

Do I even remember that?

I'm just not having a good time lately. No matter what my circumstances or issue I've always been able to find humor in my life. Humor can keep you going in difficult times. I've always believed that laughter is truly the best medicine. I need to remember that because that particular medicine is a little tough to swallow right now. 

I sound like Mary Poppins. 

I could write a whole novel on my life with Mary Poppins. First, I can practically recite the movie. When my daughter was just a few weeks old the penguin scene caught her eye and from that moment on Mary Poppins was a staple in our home. It would calm and quiet her and I took full advantage of it. She would get fussy and I'd put on the movie and she'd be fine. We watched it until she was two and then she found Winnie the Pooh. Just as an FYI, I can recite that one also. 

But I digress.............again..............

Ever since the deposition I've been in a huge crash. I still have to review it but I can't get through it. I need to look for mistakes but it's difficult to read the irritatingly little print right now. The cognitive issues are rearing their ugly head as well. I know that stress has a lot to do with it but this time it hit me with a vengeance. I have tried meditation and visualization but I just can't seem to get there. Nothing seems to be working correctly and it's frustrating. I just need to find laughter and fun. 

I'm whining again and I know it. When I get tired of all the crapola that goes along with the pain then I know I'm about to turn it around. I need to stop whining about the pain and fatigue and pick myself back up. I think the problem was the deposition. It unleashed a lot of anger about the car accident. The opposing attorney will do anything to discredit me and the fact that his client was racing through an intersection without looking where he was going wasn't even addressed. 

One of these days I'll be able to let it go. 

One of these days I'll have to let it go.

I am just so tired of doing nothing.

I am tired of hurting.

I am tired of being tired.

And I am really tired of not having fun.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


What is truth?
Well, it all depends on what your definition of "is" is.

So I got this wonderful award and, surprisingly enough, it was difficult to make up five different stories. The truth was wild enough but the lies were tough. Some of the more colorful events of my life needed no enhancement. I had fun........what can I say? 

So I decided to weave a little bit of truth in all of them. 

I was at UCLA and a friend that I knew dated Mark Harmon. My divorce was a bit nasty at first but the billboard .......well, that would NOT have happened. I always wanted to be wonder woman and I did go to a house in Laurel Canyon but it was Stephen Stills that was there, not the group Pink Floyd.

So there it is. The truth is that I was naive enough to believe that tin foil would jam the radar guns. I was also blissfully ignorant of the fact that my license plates said, "Rose." I always thought it was sweet of my Dad to do that for me when all the while he was keeping tabs on me. My girlfriend and I would get into all kinds of trouble because I got to drive all the time. I loved driving and I loved driving fast. 

Thank the good Lord that we didn't do any major damage to ourselves.  

We used to go four wheeling in the desert but I don't think a Mustang was designed to go driving through rocks and tumbleweeds. We would drive through my high school and the lunch area yelling, "curb service!" We loved to drive down the Strip after a rain and splash the tourists by driving through the puddles and laughing hysterically when they got totally drenched! While at school we'd get hungry for tortas and do a run to Tijuana. And, of course, I'd drive. While driving down one of the hills from my dorm room after a rain we started doing donuts. Again, laughing hysterically. We thought we were invincible. I'd would have killed my daughter if I found out she did anything like that.

We just loved to hang out and it didn't matter if we had a place to go. We just loved to drive around.

We had T-shirts that said, "I'm with trouble."

It made no difference who trouble was. We were inseparable.  We'd just laugh and point at each other. Trouble followed both of us and we had the time of our lives. When we got busted our eyes would get as big as dinner plates and we'd look at each other and then at our parents. Sweet little ole us???? 

My theme song was Fun, Fun, Fun by the Beach Boys. One of my dearest friends in high school dedicated that to me. He would always tell me it fit me to a T. However, I didn't have a Thunderbird so it had to be changed a little bit. Instead of "till daddy takes the T-Bird away" it would be changed to mustang. We'd sing that at the top of our lungs and the usual laughter would ensue. I had an 8-track in my car and we'd turn it up full blast and drive off. 

Laughter was a huge part of our lives.

Life was just as it should be.




Thursday, March 17, 2011


What can it mean?
I received a MeMetastic Blog award from two people!
Oh boy!
Lies, beautiful lies abound!

There are a few rules that I must abide by......

1.  I must proudly display the award in my post.
2. I must list 5 things about myself and 4 of them must be lies!
3. I must pass this on to 5 other well deserving bloggers!!

Story Number 1.

When I was in high school I had a yellow mustang. I got it when I turned 16. I did like to drive a little fast and that turned out to be a little bit of a problem. A friend of mine convinced me that I could evade radar if I lined my hub caps with tin foil. I spent all afternoon putting tin foil in them and then took off going 80 down the street. Lo and behold, it didn't work and I heard police sirens. I then took off down the side streets and found a garage with the door open. I pulled in, shut the garage door and waited out the police. What I didn't bank on was the police showing up at my door because my father had put my name on the license plates. Needless to say I was in trouble because the police was talking with my father when I came home.

Story Number 2.

When I was in college at UCLA  I shared a dorm room with Ally Sheedy. We had a huge fight and I went to the resident assistant and asked for a single room. Right before she was to move out we made up and decided to stay in the room together. We became life long friends and remain so until today. Ally introduced me to Mark Harmon who was in the same dorm. He lived two floors down. He was a football player and just adorable. We ended up dating for most of my senior year. We loved to go to movies and walk around Westwood. I broke up with him because I was going to law school and didn't want to be in a committed relationship.

Story Number 3.

While in my wild 30's I was the mistress of the lead singer of Pink Floyd. During that time I was looking out of the window one night and noticed a shadow covering part of the moon. That event  inspired me to write the song Dark side of the moon. After it became a hit song I graciously gave up all rights to the song so that his wife would never find out about us. 

Story Number 4.

My divorce in 1991 was pretty nasty. We would take turns irritating each other and finally I had enough. My daughter was visiting friends who had a beach house in Del Mar and would be gone for the summer with them. While she was gone I rented a billboard on the main street that led up  to our home. Most of our friends lived in the area and I knew that they would see the sign. I wrote on the sign that my husband was a deadbeat father. Once the sign went up he got numerous calls urging him to pay the child support. I felt bad about that and took the sign down. We buried the hatchet and vowed to remain civil for our daughter's sake. 

Story Number 5.

My alter ego is wonder woman.

Thank you so much Michelle from Dogkisses Blog and Judy from Creativity to the Max!

Now for the fun............who should I bestow this award upon?  I need 5 people?? Well, here goes!

1. Hibernation Now Blog. I love this blog. The imagery is so vivid and her words are so touching that I can't wait to see what will be done with this award!

2. The Invisible Disease - the journey of a Fibromyalgia fighter.  Lynn-Marie always wears her heart on her sleeve. She's brutally honest about the devastation of Fibromyalgia on her life and the love she has for her husband and family. 

3. Phylor's Blog.  Her blog is so beautiful to me. She has a wonderful sense of humor and her writing reflects a beauty of the soul. She loves projects so I hope she'll have fun with this.

4. Jolene at Graceful Agony. I think Jolene would come up with some wonderful stories! She's a fabulous writer and I hope she has time to work on this little project.

5. CJ at CJ In Time. CJ has had such a hard time with her health issues lately. I hope she sees this and comes up with some stories that will make both of us smile. 

You can also visit the MeMetastic Hop page and add your site to the list!!

I had fun making things up on this little project. I get so caught up in myself and my issues that it felt good to let loose and let my mind wander for a bit. Chronic pain and Fibromyalgia take so much out of you. It's tough to think about anything whimsical. Making up these stories made me smile and I hope they make you smile too. Also, I'm trying a new platform for threaded comments. It is so difficult on the blogger platform to reply to comments and I hope this one that I installed will make it easier to interact with the people that so graciously comment on my posts.

A little whimsy never hurt anybody!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


I won't just pitch any product.
It has to help.
It has to work.
This does.
Plus, click below for a chance at a Kindle!!

I am absolutely in love with this product and I'm a pretty tough customer. If it tells me it's going to relieve pain; it better do just that. I don't take many prisoners and I don't give second chances. I've thrown out more "crapola" products trying to find something that will minimize the pain. Most of it sits on top of the skin and tingles for a few minutes and then that's the end of it.

I was surfing to find products to help with the pain and I just happened to stumble upon this site. Because I'll try anything at this point I figured....."hey, what the heck?" 

Best move I've made in awhile.

Topricin is a topical cream that features a soothing combination of homeopathic biomedicines that really treats pain. They have a patent for the pain of Fibromyalgia and neuropathy. A lot of products have menthol and camphor and you think it's working because of the smell. 

This product doesn't mask the pain. 
It actually treats it.
Plus, there are no side effects!

So I heard from the company and they are having a promotion to win a Kindle!! I'm real excited about that one!!

Just click on the link and enter your address and you'll be entered in the contest PLUS you'll get a sample!!!!!


Thursday, March 10, 2011


This is what I feel I'm made of.
Just one more.
Maybe the next one will do the trick.

I feel like all I do is take pills. When I wake up in the morning I take pills and when I go to sleep at night I take pills. It doesn't matter that they are all prescribed or supplements. It's just more pills than I can handle.

Where do I start? Well, let's start with the thyroid medication in the morning. Before the car accident I went to the neurologist because my hands were cold and tingling. The neurologist wanted me to get an MRI to rule out neurological problems that could cause those symptoms. It turns out that it was my thyroid. And I was hypothyroid with a vengeance. I thought that once I started the medication I'd lose weight. It didn't matter to me in the slightest that the tingling and coldness in my hands went away. All I cared was the weight that I couldn't seem to lose would come off once I started the medication. Maybe I'm naive but if the weight stays because your thyroid is off balance it stands to reason, at least in my mind, that once it's regulated the weight would come off. I still don't get it.

After that, the supplements are taken en-mass. The alphabet vitamins. The A,B,C,D and E.,  DHEA, CoQ10, multi-vitamins are gulped down with a protein drink. Every morning I look at those and just wonder if I can swallow them again. Pain medication is taken so the stiffness and pain that comes in the morning can be tolerated. You know what's funny? I have been asked why the strength of the pain medication that I've been taking for years is the same. That is a really easy question for me to answer. I've always been afraid of the amount of medication that I'd have to take to get rid of the pain.  I don't want to be zonked out and a zombie. It's just not a good place to be so I've resisted upping the strength of the pain medication. It's a double edged sword.  It's almost implying that if I'm on the same strength the pain must be the same and that's not it at all. It's fear plain and simple. Well, let's keep going on.............

Then comes the morning coffee. Or some semblance thereof. My coffee is mostly vanilla powder and sweet and low mixed with a little bit of coffee. My daughter shudders when she watches me make my "coffee." 

Do the supplements work? I don't notice any difference but, funnily enough, I am a little afraid to stop taking them. After all of the pill taking I massage Topricin in my hands and feet. Believe it or not, this is what it takes to get moving in the morning. 

If you haven't tried Topricin you should. It's a homeopathic cream for pain. I got it a Whole Foods but you can also buy it online. I've included the link so just click on the name and you can read all about it. Topricin recently received a patent for the treatment of Fibromyalgia pain. It's an amazing product and it really seems to help.

By the time the evening arrives it's time for the last round of medication. The evening includes magnesium, pain medication and muscle relaxers. I try to get through the day without loading up on the muscle relaxers but that depends on the severity of the muscle spasms. Then I start the ritual for sleep. This involves lavender aromatherapy and pillow spray. Lavender vanilla cream is massaged into my arms and then I take Mid Nites. They are melatonin melt away pills that help me relax and drift off into sleep. 

Well, do they really?  

I still have a problem sleeping. I can sleep for a few hours and then I'm up. Where I could fall asleep at the drop of a hat before.......well, there are a lot of things that I used to do BEFORE.....

Before what you ask?

Before Fibromyalgia.
Before the car accident.
Just before. B-4??


Saturday, March 5, 2011


It's 3.
And I can't sleep.
Kind of reminds me of Passover.

Why, you ask? The Passover Seder is a feast that commemorates the Israelites liberation from Egypt. There is a part of the Seder ceremony that is traditionally given to the youngest child and it's when four questions are asked. I'll write them phonetically in English because the Hebrew version is a little tough to read. One of the questions is: Ma-nish-ta-naw-hi-li-la-hazeh-me-kohl-ha-lay-lot?

Why is this night different from all other nights?
That's usually my standard reply for an event that repeats itself. 

Most of the time I'll fall asleep for a little while and then I'll wake up and this is just one of those nights. It isn't because of the weather; today was just, well, beautiful. It was the kind of day when spring fever sets in. Mild and a slight breeze in the air. It was one of those days where you could be lazy and fall asleep in a hammock in the back yard. You could lay down in the grass and stare up at the clouds and try to guess their shapes.

This is one of those nights that back pain and muscle spasms are making it impossible to sleep. I just can't find a comfortable position for any length of time.

As wonderful as the day was I could tell that the night was going to be interesting. I knelt down,  placed Mr. H's food on the floor and I got a nice jolt of pain. The kind of pain that slaps you suddenly and then in case you didn't get it the first time, sends another jolt down your legs just for good measure.

So, here I am eyes kind of open. 

Mr. H is on his back snoring loudly. 

Well, at least one of us can sleep.

Thank goodness there is a Criminal Minds marathon on television. 

Just another sleepy time movie for me........

Tuesday, March 1, 2011


I can't say that I wasn't warned.
I knew there would be questions.
I just didn't anticipate my reaction.

Well, that's not quite true. People that know me will tell you that I don't have a problem speaking my mind. I am not rude but I don't like having my words twisted or having an attorney leave a line of questioning hanging so that there would be a negative implication as a result of it.

It actually went pretty well. There were just a couple of points where I became a little passionate in my answer. I understand that they have a job to do but I also have a right to tell my story. After going through the three hours I came home and got into bed. I hurt and all I wanted to do was get into a comfortable position and pray the pain wouldn't get any worse. Fortunately for me, I fell asleep. 

I was up three hours later.
And that wasn't good.

It's no secret that I've had a tough time getting over my anger about the accident. My former partners will tell you that I wore heels in the sales office. I'd run around site in them, go up and down stairs in them. I would buy black heels in bulk and wear them on site and tramp around the dirt in them. Part of my anger is that I have a closet full of shoes that I can no longer wear. I never had pain wearing high heels. Part of the problem is that I loved to go shoe shopping for myself and my daughter. When my daughter lived in Florida I'd buy shoes and send them to her. We had SO much fun doing this. I'd take pictures and send them or we'd talk on the phone and look at the pictures online. I have fond memories of showing her Naughty Monkey shoes and then buying them for her. 

So what am I so angry about?

I am not angry that life sometimes throws you curve balls. That is the very nature of life. I'd sound awful if I looked at life like a spoiled brat. This is not about not being able to buy shoes when I feel like it. 

That's not it at all.

I think that my anger comes from the injustice of it all. It all comes down to doctors that don't believe you. It comes down to being found guilty without cause and fighting to prove your innocence. It comes from insurance companies looking at your doctors reports and virtually discarding them. It comes down to what is fair. It comes down to a pair of shoes because it is an example of what I could do before and what I cannot do now.

I've never minced words. I understand how many frivolous claims are out there but when there is credible evidence and it is tossed aside I tend to get a tad angry. When they make you feel like you're lying I tend to take exception. When they keep asking you if you're being honest and telling the truth AFTER taking an oath to do that very thing, I take exception. I've been accused of a lot of things in my life but being a liar isn't one of them.

What have I lost as a result? It could come down to simple numbers but that isn't it either. Not that it isn't an integral part of this but the loss is something so much more. It's a loss of me. Of how I defined myself and a loss of my sense of security. That, in itself, is a loss that is impossible to put a price upon.

There are arguments galore out there about pain. All I know is that before January 2008 I was a self-sufficient woman in control of her life. After January 2008 all of that changed.


So here I am.

Waiting once again.

Wishing and hoping that someone will finally listen.