Thursday, January 26, 2012


I really do believe that you can
 weather any storm.
Unless you're standing
knee deep in a conductor.

If the picture elicits a confused response then it has done what it was intended to do. I am confused. 

And tired. 
And sore.
And it keeps getting worse.

The muscle spasms at night have been horrible. Around nine I can feel the old familiar tightening and I know they're going to start soon. I hate to take the muscle relaxers but I have no choice unless I want to endure the pain. I've tried the bath and it will help while I'm in there but after I get out they just start all over again.

Let me back up just a bit. 

I'm packing up a home that I've lived in for seventeen years. I have more crapola than I know what to do with. Some of it, well, I've just tossed and some I've given to goodwill. That still leaves me with stuff that my daughter doesn't want and stuff that I'm just not ready to toss. I don't know why I'm still holding on to things that I haven't used in years. I found that I have 15 sets of sheets and blankets that I haven't seen in years. 

It was like Christmas all over again.
But I digress.

There is a reason that moving is one of the most stressful things that you can experience. When you add fibromyalgia to the mix you are in for one doozy of a time. I pack a box and then find that ten more are needed. Just when I think I've made a dent in this venture, I find out that I'm not even close. Maybe I should just close my eyes and throw it all in a box and hope for the best when I get to my new home. Really, I wish I could do that.

I'm just not made that way.
I'm too organized for my own good.

I need to go through every last item and get rid of the stuff that I never use. Again, I have things that I haven't used in at least 15 years. Why do I persist in saving it?  For instance, my mother had tea cups and figurines from her mother. It wasn't anything valuable but they had sentimental value to my mother. I never met the original owner and these things were hidden away in the hutch in the dining room. Now that I'm really looking at these things my only thought is that they don't mean anything to me. The memories that my mother held are long gone. My daughter doesn't want these things and neither do I. Why then is it so difficult to toss them? Memories are stored in our hearts not in nameless figurines and sets of dishes. There are things that are a part of our tradition and those things will remain but the other things definitely need to go.

Good, I'm glad I talked myself into it.
So, now let me continue. 
Does the word rain, cold and cloudy mean anything to you?

I'm totally in move mode.

Moving and hurting don't go together.

But, for now, they have to.

One step at a time.

One baby step at a time.

I keep saying that but it still hasn't worked.

Crapola........ (that's not intended for the stuff in my house)

Thursday, January 12, 2012


Slow and steady.
Go with the flow.
Stay the course.

I've never been big on changing my mind. Never liked changing the rules in the middle of the game. Never really liked change. There are people that are risk takers. They enjoy the thrill of not-knowing and just the thought of something surprising around the corner causes their heart to flitter-flutter in anticipation. These people are skilled in the art of the leap of faith.

I'm not one of them.

I like predictability. It's comforting for me to know my course of action. I'm reassured when all the stones fall into place. The only change I like is rearranging furniture. My former husband used to come in and trip over the ottoman that wasn't supposed to be where I placed it. It's personality speaks risk taker but that is so far from the truth. I really like order, security and predictability.

As I've gotten older, I've gotten worse.

As I've said before, chronic illness plays with your head in the best of circumstances, let alone what I've been hit with since this started. It's been like a category 4 hurricane that has ravaged a good portion of my life. It's been three years and I'm just now starting to come out of it. The last domino has fallen and now I'm getting ready to move. Physically, I'm scared because I don't know what my body can handle. Moving is one of the most stressful things that you can do in this life; well, besides death, divorce and buying a home. So I'll be combining two biggies. Let's face it, Fibromyalgia has brought quite a few stressful "biggies" into my world since it arrived. Couple this with the ever-waiting boom that can fall at any moment and bring a relatively calm day that is about a 4-5 on a pain scale to OMG! 

There's not a lot of security when faced with chronic illness,.

So the nice, easy current of my life has had a real nasty undertow. It's time to change course so I can get out of the water. This hasn't been an easy process for me. Relationships have come and gone. Jobs have come and gone. Money has come and gone. Homes have come and gone.

I have to say one thing though.

Through all the chaos and havoc, I have been truly blessed.

I can recover.

I've been thrown back on the shore.

Monday, January 2, 2012


The six strange signs of Fibromyalgia.
There's only six???

I got contacted by Everyday Health and they asked if I'd share a post about the six strange signs of Fibromyalgia. Of all the weird symptoms we have, these seem to be the ones that really stand out. I've included the link and if you click on Everyday Health it will take you to the page on Fibromyalgia.

Of course we have pain and fatigue. I like to call them "the twins." Remember the twin girls in the movie The Shining? Well, if I have to put faces on pain and fatigue.......there they are. But, I digress. On to some of the weirder symptoms!

Sensitivity to Fragrance.

I always thought it was me. My nose will drive me crazy! I can pick up the slightest scent and it isn't always pleasant. I'd like to carry around a can of Febreze. I know this can also mean chemical sensitivity but, at least for me, it's mostly fragrance. I know the article mentions that gabapentin (Neurontin) can help with this but that's a whole other post. I have definite issues with this medication and I had to stop taking it. One of the things that really bothered me was the weight gain associated with this drug. I could make a whole post about my issues with weight gain but I'll leave that for another time.

I guess it falls under sensory overload.

The article talks about lipomas (fatty tumors), excessive sweating, the ever-present fog and a couple of others that seem fairly common. Except in my case.

The two that really get me (besides the fog) is Allodynia. Rubbing my shoulders can send me climbing up a wall. Even when I get massages I have to be very, very specific about the amount of pressure that my body can handle. To someone else it would seem like a very light touch but for me it's excruciating. Heightened sensitivity to touch? 

The article does talk about the help that sleep, exercise and stress relief therapy can help but so far, I still have a lot of trouble in this area.

This is a fascinating article and I'm really looking forward to going through the site and learning more about this mysterious, lovely little illness that we have.

So please visit Everyday Health and give them a look.

 I think you'll like the site.

Strange signs of Fibro?

Everything is strange.

Just depends on the day.

Sunday, January 1, 2012


It's 2012.
How am I looking at the world?
Through the eyes of 2008.

I thought about making resolutions. I really did, however, I never really keep them. I can come up with all sorts of improvements that I can make to my life and I think that's a good thing to do, however,  I've realized that I'm more of the idea man.

The follow-up,on the other hand, isn't my strong suit.

I usually end up forgetting my resolve so this year I came up with an idea that I know will work. It's simple, easy and doesn't take a whole lot of effort.

I'm not making any resolutions.

This year I finally got "me." If I say I'm going to lose weight or eat healthier, I know those ideas will go by the wayside within the first couple of weeks. I am not good at setting arbitrary goals. I need to make them more broad based. I looked in the mirror and decided I wanted to look better in my clothes. If I'd made a goal to lose some weight I would have failed. It's like quitting smoking. When I was 50 I'd promised my daughter that I would quit smoking. If I'd told myself that I could never have another cigarette I'd never have quit. I always said that if I wanted one I could: I just chose NOT too.That seems to be my trigger. I just choose not to do something.

That seems to work for me in all areas except one.

I can't choose not to be in pain. I can't choose to forget the fatigue. I wish I could. I can occupy my time but the twins (pain and fatigue) are always with me to some degree. The exercise that is supposed to help control the pain: doesn't. I know what the articles say but I can say with an air of certainty that isn't the case. Well, at least in my case.

So I'm peering out into the world of 2012 with caution. I'll admit that my vision has been slightly askew since 2008. I'm not into acceptance and I don't know if I ever will be. I don't know how to be chronically ill and I don't think that I want to know how to be chronically ill. Passive acceptance has never been my thing. I know that I can't change the fact that I have a chronic illness. I know that I have to manage symptoms and maintain some sort of discipline over my body. I know that I have limitations. 

I know that the mind can do many things. It can heal and it can hurt but a calm acceptance to achieve some sense of nirvana just doesn't work for me. I've let go of the small stuff and I've let go of some of the "big stuff" but letting go of everything of my will to fight wouldn't fit my personality. For me acceptance means rolling over and letting the Fibromyalgia take front and center. It means I've embraced my limitations.

I just can't do that.

I'm still looking out with cautious eyes.

If the Mayans are right.

It won't matter anyway.

I'm just not going to watch 2012 coming up on the movie channel.