Monday, December 31, 2012


I don't do those well.

Resolutions have not been on the top of my list of completed items at the end of the year. Most of them have been thrown out the window before the first month of the year has passed. 

I think that a resolution, at least in my case, starts out with the best of intentions. I don't think I'm necessarily to blame. I think I choose the wrong resolutions.

So let's try for this year. 

I resolve: that I will be more accepting of me. I have an illness that has no cure. I will have bad days and good days and some fair days and, yes, I will have good days. I need to understand that there is absolutely nothing that I can do about that fact. What I can do is manage this to the best of my ability.

I resolve: that I will be a little kinder to me. When I have some of "those" days I will try not to beat myself up. I will not hate the fact, and myself, that I have limitations. 

I resolve: that I will try to check the attitude at the door when the pain feels overwhelming. I know this will be the toughest to achieve because it does tend to get the better of me. I know that if I just try to make my attitude a little better it might help get me through those tough days.

I resolve: to be a little more patient with myself. When I get frustrated from the fibro fog and my memory gets fuzzy I will remember that "this too shall pass." I will try to stop getting irritated. I will also quit bemoaning the fact that my fabulous memory is a thing of the past.

I resolve: to try to find the joy in my life. This is just a blip on the screen and it could be a lot worse. A whole lot worse. I am definitely not minimizing what we go through on a daily basis, but even on our worst days we need to find the strength to believe that life could be a lot worse.

So for the coming year........

For all my family, friends and followers.........

I wish you all the love, laughter, wonder, health, happiness and God's blessings.

Every minute,

Of every day........

Happy New Year.

Saturday, December 22, 2012


I don't know if it's the weather.
I don't know if it's stress.
I do know that it hurts to be me.

Sometimes pain just permeates your whole being and takes over your life. Just when you get used to one level of pain another one decides to take you by surprise. It kind of likes to stop by and say hello just in case you've forgotten about it.  It doesn't want to go away gracefully.

Pain wants to rob you of your joy. I don't care whether it's physical, emotional or spiritual pain. It wants to be your nasty little reminder that pain can take away your day in one fell swoop.

Having a good day?

I tend to second guess myself right now. I feel a twinge and I know what's coming. Should it always be like that? Am I forever bound to a life where I measure every twinge and jab? I  also can't stay in one position for too long. My legs are starting to twitch so I know the night is going to be a long one.

Is it wise to know or is it better to let it take you by surprise?

I don't know if it's the humidity levels or just the stress of the season. I tell myself I'm going to pace myself and just do what I can. The problem is that even as I'm typing those words I know how ridiculous that sounds. My problem has never been to "just do what I can." If I'm able to, or even if I'm not able to, I keep going until I collapse. This isn't a good way to handle the holiday season.

What am I saying?
It's not a good way to handle this life. Period.

Isn't it pathetic when I can't handle shopping? Just looking at that statement depresses me. You'd think it would be so fun to go out and shop. All I know is that I can't face the stores. It's just too much to deal with and the other thing is the crowds. I can't handle that many people.



Time to stop sounding pathetic.

I need to put a smile on my face.

Is it working?


That's a four letter word too.

Friday, December 14, 2012


It's been quite a week.
I'm not just talking about the pain.
Both personally and in our nation.

First of all, what do you say about the shootings of innocent children in Connecticut? I cannot imagine what those parents and families are going through right now. Also, the survivors....what those children's horrific and there are no words that will comfort those parents. Their dear, dear children's lives were cut short and they must be inconsolable with pain and grief.

Also, I got word that a former co-worker passed away. She was young. She was 51 and didn't feel well. She took a nap and when they went to check on her.....well, it was already too late. Her daughter was her best friend and she's still quite young. She graduated high school in 2011 and was away at college. 

I've had to learn the lesson of mortality at an early age as well. I can tell you that isn't a lesson that should be learned early. It changes you. It gives you the feeling that all relationships are on shaky ground because they can disappear at a moments notice. Closeness becomes scary.

Then, to add a tiara to the week, with all these things happening, it's cold and raining. That means the pain has spiraled once again. 

If it isn't one thing it's another.

I'm not trying to minimize the happenings or compare them to the pain that has attacked my body once again. I'm just adding it to the list of events of the week. There is nothing that can compare to that kind of loss. Then compound that loss with the addition of senseless violence and what can be said?

I hate these kind of life lessons.

I hate the change that life lessons bring; the innocence of life that is lost and the realization that the people you love most can be taken away from you in the blink of an eye. Parents should never have to bury their children and little children should not know loss. They should be safe and secure in the knowledge that their parents will be there. Parents should not know the all-consuming grief and pain that their beautiful little sweethearts are gone.

What is wrong with this world?

What will inevitably happen is that the issue of gun control will come up again. It will be debated and debated but nothing ever seems to get done. I truly believe on the one hand that if guns are outlawed then only the outlaws will have guns. The war on alcohol during Prohibition, the war on drugs, the war on terror and now the war on what end? They are all still alive and well despite the efforts to rid our world of them. I do believe that we need stricter laws and background checks before anyone can purchase them. I think online sales should be banned. I think certain types of guns should not be in the hand of private citizens. Military weapons are just that...military weapons. You need an assault rife to kill a deer??

I think it's our culture that is sick and in need of help.
You can ban all types of weapons but you just can't ban evil.

I think it's time we get rid of our culture of certain kinds of tolerance. You cannot teach children that everything they do wrong is someone elses fault or that something else is to blame. We need to bring back consequences for actions. We've become a society that doesn't want to hurt that little inner child. We equate discipline with abuse. When did it become acceptable for manners to go out the window? When did "please" and "thank-you" get deleted from our vocabulary? When did we decide that just because children grow up less fortunate they should be given a pass? We have done that in our educational system and look what the effect of that has been. I've seen what so-called high school graduates have learned and it's appalling. We need to crank our curriculum up about 7 notches so we can start raising children who will be capable of working in this global economy.

If I sound like I want to take our culture back about 40 years......well, I do and I don't. In some respects.....I do. I look at what children can see on TV during prime time and I honestly don't know how I'd answer the questions that would arise. The innocence that should be childhood has been wiped away. Growing up too soon is all over the news and it's "cool." Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?

I don't think I'm old fashioned. I'm not trying to be an old grandma but I see society heading in a direction that isn't good.....


I'm off my soapbox.


I hope that everyone hugs those they love a little tighter tonight.

Sunday, December 2, 2012


Dogs are therapy.
This one is a little wrecking ball o' love,
I don't know what I'd do without him.

It's been a rough few weeks. Two people that I care about lost their baby dogs. I think we've all been through it but it doesn't matter,

It hurts like hell.

They aren't pets. They are little mini-people with fur that might not have the power of speech but their wants, needs and feelings are still very clear. They have their own personalities and quirks. The make us laugh and their love is unconditional. When ever we have a bad day they are there to make it all better.

They feel our love, our joy and our pain.

It feels so good to feel that kind of joy. Putting my arms around those little angels necks and and feeling their behinds start to wiggle with joy and puppy kisses galore. It makes no difference to me where that tongue has that I stop to think about it.....well, as long as the licks are on my face!! They also don't know how to measure time. I don't care if I've gone out to the garage, when I come back in the door I'm greeted like I've been gone hours. When I'm gone hours the yips and cries of hello make all the cares of the day melt away.

All they want is to be with their pack.

They feel the abandonment when they're in the shelter. I'm a rescuer. I walk down the aisles in tears wishing I could take them all home. But I can't. Still, I know I will choose one. I usually want the one looking dejected in the corner. He lifts his head warily, not wanting to believe that I could be "the one." Then, as I stop, the tail starts to thump and then a little more, and then, he's by the cage licking my fingers.

That's the one,

When I've been in so much pain my high energy, off the wall my baby dog lies quietly by my side. He looks up at me as if to say that he feels my pain. When I try to get up he stays by my side as I go to the refrigerator for something to drink and then jumps right back in bed next to me.

Any dog can be a therapy dog.
This is Buster.

I feel better knowing he's there. It brings a smile to my face when he jumps up on the bed with his favorite toy and puts it right down by my head. He wants to go outside but won't move until I do. This dog just makes me laugh and, for me, that is therapy. It helps with the pain...not the physical aspect of the pain, but it's more manageable and easier to bear. He looks at me and he understands. 

I know that the loss of an angel leaves a huge hole in your heart. I know they would want you not to grieve and go back to the shelter and rescue another baby so they can find the comfort of a loving home.

"It came to me that every time I lose a dog they take a piece of my heart with them. Every new dog that comes into my life gifts me with a piece of their heart. If I live long enough all components of my heart will become dog and then I will be as generous and loving as they are."

In order to really enjoy a dog, it isn't enough to make him semi-human, it is, on our part, becoming part dog.

I can't imagine Buster Boo in a service dog hoodie.

I don't think a service dog has the attention span of a gnat.

Squirt and H would have called PETA and had them on speed dial.

Buster wouldn't know the number.....

In loving Memory of that sweet little Max.