WILL THIS EVER STOP?

45%

I just can't seem to catch a break where the humidity is concerned. I feel like someone took a baseball bat to my body. My legs are starting to spasm and that proverbial bat would probably feel pretty good right about now.

I just start to get a little improvement and there are a series of storms moving in off the Pacific. That's just dandy.

I can't even think tonight let alone write and it hurts like holy hell to type.

Here's another night of sleeplessness when I'm praying for the pain to stop. I'll try a movie but all I can think about is how much pain I'm in. 

I'm going to try the medication, then the heating pad, then a hot shower. If that doesn't work I'll probably want to be reincarnated as a horse because right about now they'd shoot me. It's another night of many that I hate.

I'll try more later but right now I can't think of anything but pain.

THE MONSTERS IN THE SHADOWS

Fibromyalgia has many monsters. The one I hate the most is the fog monster. It has the audacity to steal my intelligence and my memory.

It's scary when you look up and have to open up the databanks and desperately search for the thought you were trying to process. It's scary when you look at a page of words and wonder if you can comprehend complex sentences ever again. It's scary when you walk into a room and can't remember why you went in there in the first place. 

It's very scary when you arrive at your destination and wonder how you got there. You wonder if the insomnia is shrinking your brain cells. Restorative sleep is hard to get with Fibromyalgia but it's that refreshing rest that helps manage the Fibro fog. I find that it helps to break up tasks or reading into small blocks. That way when the fog envelops your brain you don't give in to the stress of losing it. 


I don't actually have difficulty with my memory; I just have problems with the retrieval. It seems like there are problems in the temporal lobe area of the brain. If the persistent insomnia and subsequent sleep deprivation is the cause of the fog then what to do? If the body can't get enough sleep during the delta cycle the fog monster is likely to appear. Not getting enough deep sleep will impair your ability to recall information at an optimum level. Neuron connections are remodeled during the sleep cycle and if the cycle is not completed or broken and sleep deprivation occurs, memory problems will occur. It seems to be concentrated in the area of consolidating memories.


I find that if I write things down it helps. Also, I remember things better first thing in the morning which is weird because I am NOT a morning person.  I'm constantly doing things to help my memory. I play puzzle games where I have to remember faces or objects. I play match games and that seems to help as well. I worry about the fog. It's unsettling, scary and disturbing. I write not only to remember but to validate the emotions and feeling that accompany Fibromyalgia.


The emotions are complex. There's a great amount of fear and anger. The fear is that I've been given a life sentence and I'm stuck in this jail cell forever. There is anger; a great amount of it, that my body has betrayed me. There is anger that a car accident can trigger all sorts of central nervous system problems. There is also anger that I'm a victim of my own circumstance. My perfectionist tendencies don't help me and I continue in these tendencies so I've only got myself to blame. There is fear every single time I read a book and put it down moments later in frustration. There is sadness and grief of the life that I used to have. Every time the pain flares up there is a certain amount of resignation and depression that this is what my life will be forever more.


The monster sneaks out from the shadows and captures me. 

I need to buy stock in sticky notes.

WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS?

My dear friend is going through a breakup. Whatever I got he got ten times over in spades.

It had all the tell tale signs. There wasn't anything of substance just a ton of sexual innuendos. Then came all the issues of the bed. It seemed that he was too used to sleeping alone. Wow, did that sound familiar. I got all sorts of grief because I was up late. Then it was the pillows, then the covers or the temperature of the house. He got the same plus more.  

The problem is that these people are users. With some, it's money but with others they use up all your emotion until you're depleted. By the time that happens you're second guessing yourself and them. I think the hardest part was to let go of the person that I thought he was, the person he created just for me as opposed to the real person that was hiding under the mask. I woke up just in time but it took a lot out of me. 


I know there's someone out there right now who's probably enamored with the person he's created. He will have her smiling and feeling on top of the world. She will be absolutely loving the wonderful emails and calls that keep her nerves on edge. It's the high, the buzz that he loves. He's talented and she'd never believe everything that his wife or I could tell her.  I wish I could not think about that but I do. I don't wish for anyone to experience that kind of heartache. It's a heartache that will bring her to her knees. It will do that because she'll never see it coming.

This has happened to my best friend and I hurt for him. He really wanted it to work. He was even willing to take on more than he should have but he did and with an open and true heart. The only silver lining is that it didn't last long enough to do real damage. He'll hurt for quite a while but he'll get over it. At least it didn't take him 14 years to figure it out.

We have gone through so many girlfriends, boyfriends and heartaches together. Usually he was comforting me. 

Now it's my turn to help him.

IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE!

It's fantastic to see my daughter and future son-in-law so happy.  Last night was an engagement party with the kids and their friends. What a nice group of people they have surrounding them. The couples they know are bright, articulate, funny, educated and they have wonderful values. It doesn't get any better than that.

The thing that amazes me about age is that your mind doesn't catch up to your body. It didn't seem all that long ago that I was their age. The conversations all seemed the same. The only difference was the advice that was given to new mothers. Ah, the benefit of years of experience! It is unreal to think that I was a little younger than my daughter when I got married. I felt so old and in control of my life. Now, I look at her and realize that she's a grown woman that I raised with all love and care that I possess. She is lovely and this is my greatest accomplishment. I, on the other hand, finally felt my age. 

All the milestones that you have with your children; you can't wait for their first steps, their first day of school, their first dance, sweet sixteen, their drivers license, graduation. You go through their first kiss, their first love and their first heartbreak. It's bittersweet because as you go through all these "firsts" you also realize how quickly time passes. It flies by WAY too fast.

I don't mind my age, I really don't, but there are moments that you realize the torch is being passed and last night was one of them for me. The mom's and dad hung around and talked to each other and had fun with the kids but we were definitely "the parents." Funny, isn't it?

When they are little you worry that they will meet the wrong man but that is nothing compared to the feeling that you have when they meet the right man. Now she is moving away from me and toward her future. She is moving toward a future with a young man who is strong, stable, grounded, centered and looks at her with an amazing amount of love in his eyes. Watching him watch her almost moves me to tears. He tells me he would walk through fire for Danielle and I know that he would. Together they're funny, strong, stubborn and passionate. I have no doubt that the same passion that binds them will also produce a few arguments that will rival the July fourth fireworks. The good thing is that neither one of them are right-fighters. They want resolution that works for both of them. 

So as we prepare for a beautiful and memorable wedding ceremony I know that this is another one of the firsts that I've been waiting and preparing for a long time. They will have a good strong marriage and I'm so happy for them. 

I take that back.

I'm happy for all of us.

Plus, she's going to be a beautiful bride.

I love you both,

Mom.

I'VE GOT ONE NERVE LEFT AND YOU'RE GETTING ON IT

It's going to be another long night.

Again.

When I checked the humidity levels a few moments ago, it registered 52%. Now I know that our memories play all sorts of tricks on us, but I swear, this year has been the most humid that I can remember. Maybe I just notice it more but I think I'm going to hunt for a chart and see if I'm right. I want to curl up in my ever-present fetal position.  I've become quite comfortable curled up with my heating pad. Thank goodness I force myself to get  up and put on makeup otherwise I can see how people pull the covers over their heads and just stay in bed.

I went with a dear friend today to sit through a timeshare presentation. That's one business I could not handle.  They come in smiling and call you "bro" and "lady."  They ask about your vacations and try to pull off some sort of investigation. Then you see a wonderful movie that's designed to put you under the ether. (It didn't work) Then  we went on a tour to see a couple of rat hole rooms that you'll end up paying about 5 grand a year (do you believe that one?) The pitch is that over time (reduce it to the ridiculous) you'll pay around 60 dollars a night. When we did the numbers for him and then pointed out that we were fronting the money for services not received, it was still about 5 grand a year and for that we could take an amazing vacation, he got very ANGRY. Boy, was he ticked when we left. I don't understand how people buy into the timeshare racket.  It didn't help that I was hurting and he was really getting on my nerves. I don't like phonies and today just wasn't the day to push it.

The only part I did like was that I got to play with him and use all sorts of big words that he didn't understand. I'm joking about the big words but he didn't understand elementary real estate. All he did was memorize the pitch. It wasn't a real good pitch either. Believe it or not, I had to compare this to a $25,000 gift card. Finally, he got what I was saying.

It is a tough business though. I couldn't do it. I can't deliberately screw someone just to pick up a commission. Real estate gets a bad rap but at least I can look myself in the mirror and know that the people who bought homes from me were happy and I made a difference in their lives. This is just a screw job.

So now I'm paying for my lovely outing. I've already taken the medication, melatonin and muscle relaxers and I'm still not sleepy.  My body is screaming and the spring of pain is winding tighter and tighter. 

I'm in a very pissy mood and I don't want to hear whining right now. Especially my own. Ever have those days where its just best that you're alone? I don't think anyone could even breathe right.  So I think I'll put on a movie and see if I have the patience to sit through it. If my hands felt better I'd try to shake off this mood by cleaning. I'll make a deal with myself. If I'm still awake at 2 I will get up and clean, hurting hands or not.

I hope tomorrow will be better. The rain is supposed to hit Saturday afternoon. Maybe then I'll get a break.

Sweet dreams.