IT'S JUST MY IMAGINATION

I always believed that I could do anything.

I always believed that I could be anything.

I just never believed my life would be

what it is now.

Where is the little girI, the teen and the woman who would use her imagination and dreams? I  remember little things. I think it started years and years ago when I'd walk in the room and my father would sing, "here she is, Miss America!"  I always believed in myself and my abilities. If I wanted something bad enough, I'd get it and I was not afraid of the work involved. I was self confident and unafraid. 

I don't know what happened to her. 

Little by little imagination and dreams drift away. 

I look at pictures of myself over the last 10 years. There was a lot of smiles and happiness. Then all of a sudden, the pictures start changing a couple of years ago. The progression of pain is evident and if I can see it in photographs what do people see face to face? 

It's very difficult to find your dreams in the midst of physical pain. When your central nervous system is on hyper-drive it's hard to think of anything else. I've often wondered how to make the best of this Fibro situation. I've tried to think of some way to occupy my time as well as my mind. 


It's hard to go from Type A squared to a Type B. I've always admired people that wouldn't know stress if it jumped up and bit them. They could go with the flow and nothing seemed to get to them. I thought it would be kind of cool to adjust my thinking and lifestyle and incorporate that philosophy into my daily life. I know it would be better for me in the long run. On the other hand,  these were the people that drove, walked and talked too slow. Just thinking about it makes me want to gnash my teeth. They took out their checkbook and started writing it after everything had been rung up at the store. I mean, don't you know that you'll have to pay for it? Why start at the last minute? Everything is at a much slower pace. 


And that isn't me.
See what I mean?
Did I really say I thought it would be cool?
Ha!


If I can't go back to high pressure situations, what can I do so I don't feel like a lump of doo-doo? In my mind it was either all or nothing and I chose all.  My motto was work hard, play hard and rest hard. If anything was worth doing it was worth doing 150%.  I hate sitting around and I'm running out of things to do. Not going 200 miles per hour on a daily basis makes me feel useless.

The days turn into weeks, turn into months then turn into years. I need to find something that brings my brain back. I need to imagine and dream again. I get sick of hearing myself say this over and over again but when I try to start the process the harsh realities come flooding in and dreams go out the window. 

I want my life back. I know it will be different than before and I'm starting to get that and adjust. I don't like it but I'm starting to get it. I just get so tired of looking at my four walls. I need to get out and start using my camera. I just need to get out of my house. How do you do this when your body hurts? I'm willing to move through pain; but, as I write this, I think it's the joy that I miss most of all. Anyone can move around through pain but where is the absolute joy of each day? I can't seem to get past the pain and into the joy. I can't seem to reach a point of acceptance so I can move on. 

Can someone give me any ideas?

I'm open to suggestions.

BOWLS AND BATTERIES

The humidity is still high.

The pain is still strong.

The bowls were calling.

My car had other plans.

I haven't felt good enough to do much of anything. I also haven't felt like seeing anyone either but one of my dear friends called and we made plans to head to a singing bowls class. These bowls emit sounds that are used for healing, relaxation and mental energy. 

I needed this class.

I needed the fellowship.

It was a bad night last night and I didn't get to sleep until 5. I guess all the muscle relaxers and pain medication hit it's threshold and decided to work a little bit. My room is dark so when I finally fell asleep from sheer exhaustion, I didn't wake up until 8.  I was able to go back to sleep after a little while and I slept until noon. I knew it would take me a while to get moving and then get ready so I started the process at two o'clock. 

Everything went as planned. 

I left the house at 4:15 in order to stop and get a diet coke and then make it to the class at five. Like I said, I was looking forward to this.

I put the keys in the ignition.

Zip.

Nada.

Nothing.

Unbelievable. 

So, I called Triple A and got the car battery jumped and drove it off to the dealership.  You know, I hate people that tell me what they think I want to hear. Now, I can see the line up of cars and it's getting late. I offered to leave the car and they could do it tomorrow. The clown at the service desk kept telling me it would be very quick and he'd have me out of there in no time. 

I should have listened to myself.

You see, I knew better. There was no way they'd have it done shortly. You know what time I finally got out of there? A little after seven o'clock and the attitude that I tried to lift out of the toilet went back in there. If he just would have said how long it would take, I would have had the shuttle take me back home or arranged a ride but, no, he had to give me the okey-doke shuffle. I guess I got a little pissy with him. Actually, I have pissy down to an art form.

Me?

Really?

So I not only missed my chance to see my girlfriend and go to a badly needed class, I had to deal with a clown at Nissan.

Did I also say it was still VERY humid?

Can you guess where my attitude still is tonight?

I hurt a lot.

But my car runs like a champ.

PAIN, EXHAUSTION AND A REAL BAD ATTITUDE, OH MY..

I've been so tired.

Now it's the pain.

And it hasn't gone away.

Now the humidity is rising and 

my attitude is going in the toilet.

Need I say more?

Parts of my body still hurt more than others. I just want to keep rubbing my hands. My hands with the ugly short nails because I couldn't stand to sit for a couple of hours to get them done. Plus, all the filing would drive me absolutely crazy. So as I rub my hands I get especially irritated because of the stubby little nails. I mean, I used to have my nails and toes done every two weeks. It was part of my upkeep and maintenance and it gave me some down time because I was constantly on overdrive. 

There are a lot of things I used to do.

I haven't slept because it is getting humid and that sends my body into fits. So now I'm entering into the wonderful cycle of no sleep equals more pain which equals no sleep.  I did try to sleep. I tried to find my little zen place. It's my place where I'm sitting on a beach and watching the waves. Notice I said that I tried. I didn't say I succeeded. All I can think about are my hands and my feet and my back and and and. The list seems endless right now. The more I think about it the more irritated I get and it seems that my zen place is getting harder and harder to find.

Sometimes I wonder if massage would help but my body is so tender right now. I can't have a lot of pressure anywhere; even light pressure is too hard to handle. 

It just hurts to do anything. 

It hurts to get out of bed.

I didn't bargain for all of this. If you'd asked me what I expected my life to be it most certainly wouldn't have been all this pain. It's almost two in the morning and all I can think of is pain. What a bunch of crap. I could be getting up tomorrow and selling homes but instead I'll be trying to get out of bed without crying. Usually I can get through these times but I can't seem to shake this anger. I'm angry that this has taken over my life and I'm angry at the person that caused it. 

Nope, I didn't bargain for any of this. 

I really love this blog. It has helped me get through many nights and days and flares. Writing, at least, can take my mind off of this for a little while. I don't know what I'd do without it. So as the clock hits two I'm going to try to close my eyes and rest. I'm going to try to shut off my brain and not think. 

Can I do it? 

I don't know.

I'm in the middle of a barometric free for all and my attitude is still in the toilet.

SPRINGS AND THINGS

I don't know how much I'll write tonight.

The voodoo pain is in my legs right now.

It feels like a spring is winding up and

it's so tight it's ready to pop.

I have already been in the bath twice today. On top of it all it feels like my lower back is starting to go out. That is definitely not a good thing. Since the car accident a couple of years ago it hasn't been right and the subsequent pain that starts there and runs down my legs is not easy to handle. 

I just got up and took a pain pill.

Then a dear Fibro friend sent me a message that her pain is intolerable. I understand so well what she is going through. It seems that everyone I'm communicating with is having some kind of flare. Not just any flare but a real doozy of a flare.

I wish I could take it away from them. 

And I know they wish the same for me.

Maybe a half of a muscle relaxer will help too.

The humidity is up and there were clouds circling the valley today. I could feel the humidity rising because I always feel it in my hands and feet. Right now the bottom of my feet hurt so bad I don't even want to walk. I sit and rub my hands just so I can finish typing this. Boy, am I a sight; muscles spasms, pain, and the need for sleep that I won't find. The pain is so intense that I want to cry.

I hurt today but I thought I'd move around and bake some lemon bars and make a pasta salad. I didn't think it was a big deal. Halfway through the pasta salad I knew I was in trouble but I pushed through it. That was a huge mistake. Now I'm sitting up in bed, watching the movie, The Holiday, and wishing for a baseball bat to take the pain from my legs. Now, I can't do that, can I ?

I'm getting the heating pad. 

The baseball bat for my legs is next.

All I want is for it to stop...............just, please, stop.................

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

ok....I am editing and taking out the first

picture but leaving the other two.

Everyone seems to like the second one!!

My last post depressed even me.

So I thought I'd mix it up a bit.

So here they are.....

my cynical thoughts of the day!