WALKING ON BROKEN GLASS

One step forward.

Two steps back.

No matter which way I go,

each step hurts.

Another post where I start out whining again.  When I wake up in the morning and feel the ever familiar stiffness I know that it will take awhile to get moving. What I hadn't banked on is when I put my feet on the floor and nearly fall over because the bottom of my feet hurt so much.  It's right at the arch and it's excruciating. I have to be careful how much weight I put on them right away because I'd lose my balance. As I gingerly take those first few steps toward the kitchen to get the necessary morning caffeine, I want to cry.

It's awful to start your day out in pain.

I know this is a typical symptom of Fibromyalgia. Pain can be all over your body and it can decide to settle in parts of your body. My pain has been pretty bad lately. I'm real fatigued and my hands and feet hurt on top of all that other pain. I've kept the pain cream at the side of the bed and I could probably go through a jar of that a week. Lately, the muscle spasms have been occurring on a nightly basis. Those are awful!!

Is anyone else going through this kind of thing?

It's been hard to focus as well. I find myself forgetting things even more right now. Yesterday, I was in the grocery store and, all of a sudden, I totally lost my train of thought. I couldn't remember what I went in to the store to get. I had to stop and just try to focus for a few minutes. I felt frustrated and angry! I stood there looking at the vegetables trying to remember what I needed. Finally, it came to me but it took some time. Trust me, the broccoli wasn't worth the lost feeling I felt standing in the middle of the store. I've been trying to eat well and cut out sugar but all I wanted at that point was chocolate.

I've got emails to answer and I just can't seem to get to them. If anyone has written to me, I will get there. I'm just in slow motion. I value the emails and comments and want to answer them.

Don't give up on me, I may give up on myself at times but hang in there. 

It feels like I'm walking on broken glass.

I love having Fibromyalgia...........(can't you just hear the sarcasm dripping???)

I WISH I MAY, I WISH I MIGHT, HAVE THE WISH I WISH TONIGHT

It hurts when I am in pain.

It hurts even more when I witness the pain of my friends.

Physical.

Emotional.

Spiritual.

Pain is pain.

And I wish that I could wish it away.

It's beginning to look like we actually might get some rain. The humidity is rising and my hands are beginning to throb. Yep, it's just another night in paradise. I've been using the new pain cream that I bought and I think it really does help the pain in my legs a little bit. So, as I sit here knowing it's going to be a long night, I read some emails from friends. Emails that expressed concern, emails that revealed dejection and depression and emails that told me about pain.

I've always said pain is pain. It doesn't matter how we think about it. All that matters is how the person who is in pain feels about it.

From the moment we open our eyes to the moment we close them we're engaged in battle.  The women I know who battle pain day in and day out are amazingly strong. We all think we're wimps but nothing is farther from the truth. We battle depression that springs from pain. We battle constant pain that ranges from throbbing to gut wrenching. We battle ourselves because we constantly think that we're inadequate. 

I think most of us deal with the issue of perfection and the fact that we'll never reach it. We are learning that it's okay to be human. Instead of looking at it as failure we are learning to accept ourselves. Instead of having a rigid view of life, we are learning to be flexible. Part of it is that we have kept a part of ourselves private. Privacy was something I valued above all else. Blogging, however, changed all of that. I learned about myself and I learned that there are people that I've never met who accept me for myself more than my own family. I have opened up more on this blog than I ever thought I would and I found out that others did the same thing.

I found out that this invisible illness has made us visible.

We decided that we wanted to be educated and educate others about this mysterious illness that plagues us. We became seekers. We've waded through the swamps to find out the truth. We found out that what works for some may not work for us. We're learning that we must discard the negative feelings that come from the supposed well-wishers who dispense unwanted medical advice. Advice that basically says we've done this to ourselves and if we want to get better we must get up and move around. We have become our own doctors because we found out that we know more about us than they do.

We are the people of duality. We are stoic and we are tender. We are strong and yet we are weak. We are the wimps and the warriors. We are the brave and yet we're cowards. We stand tall and unafraid but yet we fear. We are rigid but yet we are flexible. We are reserved and private but yet so open and vulnerable. It's no wonder that we're confused. There are times that we don't know which way to go.

So tonight is going to be a very long night. I've taken pain medication and the muscle spasms are still breaking through. The pain is reaching levels that will keep me awake most of the night.  I know that I'm not the only one who goes through this. We all have times like this and I think about the people that I've been blessed to meet through this blog. When you have nights or times like the one I'm having tonight be comforted in knowing that you're not alone. That thought has gotten me through some very tough times.

So to you my friends:

I wish you freedom from pain.

I wish you sound sleep.

I wish you comfort.

I wish you strength.

But most of all, I wish all your wishes come true.

I

TOPRICIN PAIN RELIEF AND HEALING CREAM

I've always said I'd try anything that would help relieve the pain.

I just happened to open an article about pain relief and Fibromyalgia.

There is a reason for everything.

I just happened to open a link. It said pain relief and healing cream awarded patent for pain associated with Fibromyalgia. Okay, I'm a sucker and I figured, "what the heck?" I went to Whole Foods and picked up a rather pricey jar of this stuff and put it on my hands.

Amazing.

It actually helped me.

You can put in on your back. You can use it for muscle spasms. I'm actually kind of jazzed about the product!! They also have a foot therapy cream and I'm going to order it because it's so hard to move on my feet first thing in the morning. It isn't greasy or oily either.

I've included the link so you can research it and see if you like it. I thought I'd pass on the information because it might help someone else.

Let me know if you try it!!

This is not an advertisement and I have not been paid for any endorsement. This is just from me to you!!

TOPRICIN PAIN RELIEF AND HEALING CREAM

WARRIOR OR WIMP?

One day a warrior.

The next day a wimp.

The next day somewhere in-between.

Who am I?

I spent today sleeping. I can't believe I knuckled under to the fatigue and pain and I'm still irritated with myself.  I pulled myself out of bed enough to have dinner and now I'm back in bed. It's time for another pain pill and muscle relaxer. My legs are jumping and my body is hurting. Hurting big time.

Boy, this makes for a fun life.

I'm still going to the gym in the morning but by the time I'm done I'm wiped out. I need to take pain medication before I even attempt to make the walk. I keep doing this because I know eventually it will help me.

So now what?

I'm going back to the doctor on the 31st to see what I can do for the breakthrough pain. It's not just the issue of the Fibromyalgia, although that is the issue that wreaks the most havoc on my body. I've still got the back issue to deal with and that causes the pain to shoot down my legs. There still is nerve damage in my lower legs and that isn't fun either. I've got to find something that will help me with the pain. I'm not going to be as stubborn about taking the medication. I'm taking the Zanaflex at night because that does help the muscle spasms. I really fought against taking this with the pain medication but no more. I found that it does help me sleep a little bit more. I still wake up 3 or 4 times a night but it does feel like I get a little more sleep.

It was my birthday yesterday and I didn't even have cake because I've cut out sugar. How boring, huh? It was very low key and I spent the day reflecting on  the last couple of years. The only thing it served to do is depress me even further so my daughter and I went to Pier One for a half hour and then I came home and slept. Gee, you think I could manage more than a half hour out in the world! It seems when I go out I have to come back in and rest. YUCK.

It's been a weird summer for everyone, it seems. Flares galore, pain galore and fatigue galore. Is there something in the air?

If it was in the air, I caught it.

WALK A MILE IN MY SHOES

What would it feel like if you could,

walk a mile in my shoes.

Not the pretty high heels,

but the really muddy icky shoes?

"I know how you feel."

How many times have we heard that statement? How many times have we said that very same thing? You won't know what I feel like until you walk a mile in my shoes. Well, after having walked that mile just this morning, I can tell you that a part of that statement is very true. How do we make someone understand something that is impossible for them to understand unless they feel it? 

The most widely used definition is from the International Association for the Study of Pain. "Pain is an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience arising from actual or potential tissue damage or described in terms of such damage."  Therefore, pain is both a physical and emotional experience. So, how do we make others understand how we feel? How can they really know what this is like?

How would they feel if they could walk a mile in my shoes. Well, first of all, they'd never be able to walk that mile during a flare. Well, maybe with pain medication. A lot of pain medication. How can you convey what it's like to get out of bed in the morning after a night of interrupted sleep and cry because the bottom of your feet hurt so bad?  How do you make someone understand that the tears are not only of pain but of frustration and anger because you really want to get out of bed and do something, anything, with the day?

How do you make someone understand how drastically your life has changed? At first, no one understood or believed what Fibromyalgia was and now it's on every commercial; commercials that tell you with one little pill life will be what it used to be. That same commercial where a woman is smiling and acting like nothing is wrong. That same commercial that pisses me off every single time I see it. It makes it seem that Fibromyalgia is this annoying little fly you have to swat and then it's gone. How do you tell someone that I used to be lively and energetic and loved to go out and have fun? How do you make someone realize that this isn't something that moving around will help? How do you make someone realize that everything hurts and nothing, absolutely nothing, is the same anymore?

How do you convey the sadness when you walk into your closet and look at the clothes and shoes that just don't work for you anymore? You can't bear to see them and you can't bear to give them away. Giving them away brings home the thought that there is no cure and this is a life sentence. How do you tell someone that the pain you bear on a daily basis makes it impossible to do the work that you used to do? How do you let them know that sometimes just lifting a glass is too much and that being scared you'll drop it depresses you even more? How do you let someone know that being forgetful is as frustrating for you as it is for them?

How do you let someone know that you feel like a worn out pair of shoes? That sometimes just like those shoes you feel so useless like you've been thrown out of society. How do you let someone know what you'd give for the time when you didn't feel worn out just by waking up in the morning? How do you tell them that you watch from afar with jealousy every time you see someone running and laughing looking like they didn't have a care in the world? How do you explain that the devastation this disease is not one that you anticipated or wanted or can do anything about?

How do you tell someone that even though you are in pain and there are tears in your eyes you are still thankful? How do you tell someone that even though you look happy behind those eyes is a person that deals with chronic pain? Can you tell them that you can still be at peace with the little things in this world? How do you tell them that even though they can't see this illness it is still there? 

Can you tell them to have compassion, strength and patience with you and for you because that is the greatest need that you have? 

Can I?

I don't know.


(this is for you jimmy choo, don't be a naughty monkey, I live at 9 west with my manolo, my friend is Cole Haan, we love to go to Brighton and I love Stuart Weitzman.............................huge sigh)