CROSS MY HEART? NO.... MY HANDS

Now, I know it's easy to confuse myself.

I just didn't realize that it would be a good thing.

A very good thing.

For some reason the pain that I feel, when the Fibromyalgia really starts to flare, is in my hands. I can tell when it's going to get real bad because I start rubbing the joints at the base of my fingers. 

It starts as a dull ache and then it starts to throb.

I don't know why but it seems like I've been in almost a constant flare for the last few months. I've continued to go on but it it hasn't been easy. The humidity has been up slightly but when I've been this bad before the humidity has usually been higher. I'm not unduly stressed, so what is it?

It couldn't be the exercise could it?

Always before I would have used that as an excuse and opened up the fridge and buried myself in a cheesecake. Then, I'd quit.  Years ago I had a trainer that came to the house and I worked out with him for an hour three times a week. Even after that workout, we'd walk to Wendy's or we went to get cheesecake. It didn't matter because I weighed about 115. I have quit more gym memberships than I can count.

But that was before.

Now, I've made it a part of my life. Believe it or not, I actually enjoy it. Due to a failing thyroid and an autoimmune thyroid issue as well, my cholesterol was hard to control. When all this started going haywire all of a sudden, my weight was hard to manage as well. Throw in some icky medication that causes weight gain and I was a disaster in the making. After a couple of months of going to the gym I got my first set of blood tests. For the first time in a very long time, everything was in the normal range. To say I was beyond elated was an understatement. 

I suddenly got what I refused to believe all along.

Exercise really helps.

So, now I refuse to quit.

Well, back to the hands story. I was reading an article in the Daily Mail.  It seems that crossing your arms confuses your brain and its response to pain. It doesn't take much to confuse my brain anymore but when you cross your arms over your chest, the brain can't figure out where the pain is coming from in your body. 

Amazing, isn't it?

They did testing and found that peoples perception of pain was weaker when their arms were crossed. Part of the testing looked at how the body reacts to the signals of the brain on the right and left side of the body. If you put a glass of water to the right side of the body, most people will reach for it with their right hand. The same is true for the left side. It makes perfect sense to me. I know that the brain maps of the right and left side of your body and external space are linked together. If they are linked together, they are activated together and they react to painful stimuli together.  If you cross your arms over your chest these areas are now longer linked, at least, that's what the researchers found. By crossing your arms the response to sensory stimuli, including pain, is lessened. I think it's a fascinating study and could lead researchers to different therapies that could help chronic pain sufferers.

Now I have a legitimate reason for my brain to be confused.

As if I really needed an excuse................

ONE AMAZING LIFE

It doesn't happen often.

But when you get to witness it.

It's something to behold.

I don't think you can teach visionary leadership; well, not the kind of vision and leadership Steve Jobs had. Either you have it or you don't and it doesn't come around very often. It's something that is in the depth of your soul and you've been given the rare gift to be able to tap it and bring it forth.  Most of us are trapped by our fears but there is a great lesson to be learned from one extraordinary life.

Live each day as if it were your last. 

One day you'll be right.

It's very true. When given a diagnosis of a terminal illness, everything falls away and nothing seems to matter. All the drive for success and all the interest in the material things of this world mean nothing. Fear falls away because time is short. 

He lived every day with that thought front and center.

I can only stand back and reflect. The profound effect of a life that changed the cellular industry forever; changed the way we think of acquiring music, the impact on technology alone is staggering. My introduction to Apple started with the ipod and I never looked back. I not only didn't look back but I can't imagine my life without an iPhone, an iPod and an iPad. I can't imagine not having an App store or iTunes. 


It's true.
People with passion can change the world for the better.

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. 

Don't be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people's thinking. 

Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice, heart and intuition. 

They somehow already know what you truly want to become. 

Everything else is secondary."

Steve Jobs

RAINY DAYS AND MONDAYS ALWAYS GET ME DOWN

I just can't seem to catch a break.

It's raining again.

Ow.

I feel like my whole life is on hold again. I just don't want to do anything when the pain level is going past voodoo. On a scale from one to ten, I just blew past 11. For some reason the last few days have been REAL BAD. I'll bet they can hear the howl on the other side of the valley.

I had to run out to Williams Sonoma (yeah, tough errand) and I got some cooking clay for chicken. My daughter and I have fond memories of this clay pot that I'd make dinner in and now she can play with clay herself. I didn't want to go out at all. I dropped it off at her house, smiling like I didn't have a care in the world, and came home and got into bed.

And I didn't leave it.

I'm feeling fragmented and raw again. There's something about pain that puts me right back into feeling "not good enough." I tried walking on the treadmill but after stopping every two to three minutes, I just gave up. The problem is that I set a goal for myself. I'm typical Type A squared and it feels like I'm falling short of the high standards that I set for myself. I'm so self-critical and I'm tired of having impossibly high standards that I fail to reach.

Why am I doing this to myself again?

I'm starting to go into think mode and that's a dangerous place for me to be. I analyze, over analyze, over analyze it again, beat it into the ground, bury it, resurrect it and then start the process all over again. 

See?

I even drive myself crazy.

What is it about pain that starts the regression? Is it the pain or the realization that it will always be with me? Last night about 3 o'clock I was awake and praying that I could find a baseball bat to take to my legs and praying that the roller coaster would stop and I could get off. I can't describe this sensation except that it's like a spring tightening until it almost breaks and then it lets go. The trouble is that it keeps doing that over and over again. That doesn't even count what my hands are doing. 

I've used the essential oils, been in the jetted tub, I've rubbed Topricin on my legs, I've taken the pain medication and muscle relaxers.........zip, nada, zilch.

I think I'm just tired.

And there are pretty puffy clouds forecast for the next few days.

I keep looking around for the license number of that truck that hit me again.

Ow......

Ow..........

Ow........

THE FIBRO TRAVELLING SIDE SHOW

What causes Fibromyalgia?

Pick a card.

Any card.

It seems that everyone has an opinion on what causes Fibromyalgia. It's almost as if they want to pin it on anything and everything but a neurological malfunction. Heaven forbid there would actually be something wrong with us.  Some of the opinions are, in my mind, just absurd. 


Let's reduce it to the ridiculous.
Obesity. 


Obesity as the reason for Fibromyalgia just cracks me up. First of all, if any sort of movement causes pain and your energy levels are in the toilet, it just makes sense that you would probably add a few pounds because of the inactivity. People that have Fibromyalgia remember the days with longing when they could run around and not get beat up. Most people would love to be able to exercise without feeling like they got hit by a truck afterward. Now, to add to this ridiculous theory, let's add the medications that are sometimes prescribed. The first one that comes to mind is the one that is touted by my favorite commercial of all time as the little magic pill that will give you your life back. 


Yep. 
Lyrica.


Even on the commercial one of the first things they happen to mention as a little, tiny, minor side effect is weight gain. Now, I'm not one to tell someone what they need to take to manage their pain but, as for me, hell will freeze over before I take something that will make me gain weight. Yes, I have food and perfection issues but that's another story altogether. Even some of the antidepressants and nerve pain medications also have weight gain as a side effect. I'm not saying that weight gain won't exacerbate the symptoms or that it's a healthy lifestyle. We've all been there and have struggles with different issues but what Mensa candidate came up with this as the cause of Fibromyalgia?


Next.


Then there's the vitamin deficiency theory. I rather like this one. It is just one step away from the it's-all-in-your-head theory. Just pop a ton of vitamins and voila! Your symptoms will magically disappear! Right after that there's the dietary theories. If we stop eating, get ready for this, eggs, peas, dairy, whey, bean sprouts, beans, broccoli, cauliflower, lentils, bok choy, cabbage, kale, asparagus, leeks, rutabagas, onions, garlic, shallots, papaya, dried fruits, coffee, bananas, avocados, honeydew melons, tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, meat, poultry and fish, we will be cured. It's true. As I looked up dietary restrictions this is the list of foods I found. Basically, when you put all the recommendations together, there's nothing left to eat.


Needless to say, no one can agree on dietary recommendations either.


I think that making adjustments to our diets is healthy but will it cure us? I don't think so. I'm not a doctor but none of this stuff makes any sense to me. If it was that simple it would have been done and over with already. We'd all be going back to our lives that we had before havoc struck.  I am of the persuasion that my Fibromyalgia was the result of the trauma from a car accident. I've said it before but most of us can pinpoint exactly what happened that caused our lives to be on the roller coaster. I firmly believe Fibromyalgia is caused by some sort of trauma to the body or there is a genetic predisposition. It can be physical or emotional trauma and by emotional I don't mean you just had a bad day. I'm sure these theorists have gone over that one too. That's the you're-just-depressed-take-a-pill-and-go-home-theory. Don't you just really love that one? Thank goodness there's credible research being done but I just love it when the media posts articles making it seem like we're a bunch of looney tunes.


Oops.......I forgot to mention................


Did you know that there's a secret cure for Fibromyalgia?

The government doesn't want you to know.................


Sheesh..............

OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOT

You'd think I'd learn.

Nope.

I'm going to keep my mouth shut.

When I started feeling like I was strong and then started spouting off about it as well, I set myself up for the Fibromyalgia to make me eat my words. It kind of falls under the category of never say never.

I wasn't disappointed.

Just when I thought that I found a place that the pain couldn't touch, well, it found its way in. It took everything I could do to continue to walk. Not only did it take every bit of concentration and a discipline I didn't know I possessed to continue but I had to wrap my ankles and feet in ace bandages. Everything felt weak and I ended up stopping every five minutes to give myself a break. 

I didn't want to write anything either.

Have you ever had so much that you wanted to say but couldn't find the words? I kept reading some of the comments that I'd gotten from the prior post. Needless to say, I was so unbelievably touched by them. If there's anything that's powerful it has to be the support of the wonderful women that respond to the posts on this blog. Whenever one of us feels like giving up or loses the will to fight, these women are right by your side to extend their hand to pull you back up. When one of us has a triumph or accomplishment they are also there to applaud.

There's power in people and friendship.


So I'm back to looking for that special place where personal power supersedes the pain. I think I've got the discipline down but what I haven't figured out is the hiding. I've got quite a few emails that I've ignored. I just don't have it in me to explain. I feels like it's just too much to put on anyone else. I know that it's just me; I'm very sure others don't feel that way but in hiding I can reclaim my balance and when it's there I will be ready to face the world again.


Why is that?


There is still a small amount of hope as I write this. I need to get out but at least I'm still continuing to move. I'm hoping the weather will break and the fall weather will set in. I do pretty well in the fall and winter. I know that the cold weather really bothers some people with Fibromyalgia but I seem to thrive in it. It's the heat and humidity that does me in......make that heat and/or humidity. Any combination messes me up. Even when the weather is good I still wake up feeling like the Tin Man who hasn't gotten a shot from the oil can.


Creaky joints and aching muscles: such and attractive package, isn't it?


I just think it's so funny (well, not funny) that when I start feeling a little strong, I have to go and open my mouth and announce it. I should have waited and reevaluated myself after a few weeks. This way I wouldn't feel as stupid. It's like praying and asking God for patience. You just don't do that because you've set yourself up for a real doozy of a test.


So it's not as bad as it could be.


It's not as bad as it has been.


But it's still not what it should be.


I don't think I should start singing "Eye of the Tiger" just yet.