Friday, August 28, 2009


It's hot again. First the humidity then the heat; and that's not good.

I'm not sure why a lot of this pain that encompasses my whole body has a different relationship with my hands. Maybe it's because they're always in use, I don't know but the pain seems to settle there.

I walk because it's supposed to help. I walk because it puts my mind in a different place. I walk to exercise. So far, none of it has helped.

It gets very discouraging, this invisible disease. I'm glad that I don't look the way I feel. I wonder, though, with all these supplements and nutritional pills that I'm taking.......will this help? Is it nutrionally based? I find that hard to believe. I know that a lot of people have been helped by supplements but I'm not finding relief with them. I know they can help me nutritionally. My body has been depleted by the last few years of yo-yo dieting but can that depletion cause this kind of pain?

If it's an immune dysfunction how can the supplements help? Yes, they can help bolster the immune system but what is the underlying factor that triggers all of this? Nutrition? Yes. Stress? Absolutely yes. Is cortisol a big part of the problem?

Why does weather affect my body so much? What happens to my system when the humidity starts to rise? That can't be a supplemental problem, can it? If it was just that I was a nutritional wreck why then would stress cause so much pain? Where does the thyroid fit into all of this as well?

I guess I want to know what triggers the immune system to start attacking my body. I need to find that answer because taking pills everyday isn't going to do it. I need to get rid of the things that cause me pain and embrace a joy that will bring relief.

There's still something missing. It's the piece of the puzzle that starts all of this. Whether it's viral or something to do with the adrenals or the total immune dysfunction there's one domino that trips. There's something that keeps nudging the back of my mind. Maybe that is why I can't rest. I need to figure this puzzle out and when I can't figure something out I start a new obsession of why.

That's the question. Now to find the answers.

Saturday, August 22, 2009


The Good: Well, it's overcast with lots of gorgeous gray clouds that keep the weather cool.

The Bad: For the past few days I've felt this weather coming on.

The Ugly: Fibro is kicking into overdrive.

My birthday is tomorrow and I can barely summon up the "yay" for dinner with my family. It's really sucky when you hurt and you have to paste the plastic smile on your face. Normally I wouldn't have to do that with my family but they're so excited to take me out to dinner at a "surprise" location that I don't have the heart to disappoint them.

What I'd rather do is spend the night in bed.


As everyone knows ( I hope) the inactivity and absolute inability to move anything but your little finger when a real flare up comes rolling in tends to put a little bit of weight on you. This is not a good thing for your self esteem. I call it the piggie complex. I've spent the last year trying to lose the 25 pounds that I've put on only to look at a cheesecake and have it magically appear on my butt overnight. Tomorrow is my birthday and I'll be going out to dinner with my family and I can only imagine how much weight I'll gain within that hour period.

Now I'm not going to eat during the day so technically one should be ok. It doesn't work that way with me. I'd just like to have a dinner that does NOT include broiled chicken and veggies. I'd like to have potatoes with butter. I'd like to have a giant steak. I'd love to have a huge salad and not put dressing on the side. I'd love to have a ton of bread. At the end of dinner.........yep. Cake and ice cream and plenty of it.

Fantasies are a wonderful thing. So as another birthday comes and goes, I'll be hoping that the pain medication takes the edge off so that I don't have to plaster a fake smile on my face just to get through the evening. I'll be hoping that the humidity lowers a little so I don't spend the night in agony.

As bad as I feel right now, I can still say I'm grateful. This could be A LOT worse and, quite honestly, it's better than the alternative so while I'm not anywhere near optimum I'll have the people who love me and understand me next to me. For that I'm truly blessed.

For my birthday wish?

Screw world peace. I just don't want the cake to stay on my butt.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


How is it possible to lie while telling the truth? Manipulators do it all the time, it seems. They lie by reciting a litany of truths with such conviction that you begin to think you're crazy for doubting them. The problem is that the lies come in by what they're not telling you. It's the lie by omission and that's why they are so convincing.

It must be the quest for power. I used to call it "the game" and I have met the master. He gets off on the manipulation. It's like playing chess and he spends great time and care placing the pawns on the board. He lives to see what he can get away with. It's the high of possession; of the absolute knowledge that he has the ultimate power, and power is his drug of choice.

He will try to tell you that it's you. You always turn things around and blame him and it's always his fault. He will say, "It's always me, you can't do anything wrong, you're perfect." He will throw that back at you and now you're the bad guy for having the audacity to stand up to him. He wants to rob you of your right to defend
yourself and he will do that by becoming the victim. 

The problem is that you think he's cold and has no feelings. 

Oh, but he does and they run real deep. It's just not for you or your feelings. 

The only feelings he cares about are his own. It's his wants and needs and desires that need to be satisfied. If they're not then there's no one to blame but you for not servicing his needs. Thus, he feels justified and has every right to move on in his clandestine endeavors. He absolutely refuses to acknowledge my feelings but constantly demands that I respect his feelings. It's like walking on eggshells. You have to submit and kowtow to his demands and if you don't he reserves the right to destroy your feelings and self respect until he's spent and feels better about himself once again. He has no clue of how to apologize. Apologies would mean he'd have to admit what he's intentionally done. All he can say is, "I don't feel real good about myself."


He is the master at wearing masks. He preys on the weak. Not weak of heart but the weak in self esteem. He needs the woman who has just been through a divorce or is unhappy in her marriage. He needs a woman who needs him. That gives him the food he needs to thrive. He comes alive when he smells blood in the water. He uses the phone and the written word to make you feel alive. He zeroes in on your weakness and bolsters it and he massages it. He tells you he's one of a kind. He is so subtle and you don't even realize what he's doing and before too long you're hooked. He's fed you the lines and you bought them hook, line and sinker. 

Once you buy he'll tell you that he wasn't looking for it and that he never made the first move: you did. He's right. He set it up masterfully so that you would make the move and let him off the hook. He's a predator. He's a chameleon that will adapt to what you need and you can quickly fall under his control and never even know you were a pawn. 

How can this be? 

He's so charming and has many admirers. He has people that know him and his persona is solid. He absorbs the goodness and virtue of those around him for himself but underneath it all it's dark and cold. Just try and catch him or confront him and you will see his true nature come out. If you fail to give him what he needs he will just move on to someone else. There always needs to be a backup so he can bask in his own glory.

Should you believe that he loves you, beware. He doesn't love you. He needs you. He needs a covering so he can continue his incessant manipulations. He needs adoration. He has no concern or care about the hurt he causes or the tears you cry. When you cry he will back up just enough to keep you and help you dry your tears, all the while congratulating himself on how good he is at his game. You go back to the blissful illusion that he is the man he's let you see. He is the master of illusion.

He will never have mastery over his urges. He gave up, a long time ago, the struggle to control his demands, selfishness, control of others, lusts and his entitlement. He's fully embraced it and justified it. He's openly boastful and proud of how he always
gets his own way. He will never let anyone get in the way of what he wants and when you do you become the liability. 

There's a deep smoldering anger that he tries very hard to control but every now and then it comes out.

He will slip up and let you see the man under the mask.

Saturday, August 1, 2009


ThyroidImage via Wikipedia

Hashimoto's Thyroiditis.

The extreme fatigue, muscle cramps, thinning eyebrows, vague joint pain, cold hands and feet, low body temperature, depression, weight gain and the ever-present lack of concentration.
It seems that this has been going on for quite some time. The confusing part is that the normal thyroid panel that is run was in the normal range. I guess the most people have one or the other. I have Hashimoto's thyroiditis and a very high rate of reverse T3. This is basically your fake parking spot for the thyroid hormone but it doesn't know what to do when it gets there. It would figure that I'd have both.
It is inherited. I don't know that much about my medical history but at least I know that I did get this lovely gene from my mother. When I found this out I immediately alerted my daughter to get these blood tests because she has some of the same fishy symptoms.

chemical structure of reverse triiodothyronine...Image via Wikipedia

The thyroid is a little butterfly shaped gland located at the base of the neck and it wraps itself around the windpipe. Slight trouble swallowing could occur if the thyroid gets inflamed and presses upon the esophagus.

This is an autoimmune disease. Your bodies own T-cells are attacking the thyroid and treating it as a foreign entity. If left untreated this can eventually lead to heart failure. Thank goodness my homocystine levels (a marker for cardiovascular disease) was very low.

The reverse T3 was very interesting. It seems that the body, in reaction to either physical or emotionally prolonged stressful periods will increase the levels of Reverse T3. This is probably the reason for weight gain. A lot of times medication addressing the active T3 levels will allow weight loss without a lot of dietary changes.

Now without insurance the medication for bioidentical thyroid, hormones, progesterone and testosterone was $262.00. How in the world do people do this every month??

Great. More stress. Just what my body needs. I do feel slightly validated. At least I know I'm not crazy about the symptoms. You know that you know that you know but no doctor will believe you or get the appropriate tests to find out what's going on in your body. Then this disease slowly progresses until you feel like a lump. A big, fat lump.

The good old fibro cake is baking and the icing is the thyroid.