I WANT TO GO BACK TO MAYBERRY

It's been quite a week.

I'm not just talking about the pain.

Both personally and in our nation.

First of all, what do you say about the shootings of innocent children in Connecticut? I cannot imagine what those parents and families are going through right now. Also, the survivors....what those children witnessed......it's horrific and there are no words that will comfort those parents. Their dear, dear children's lives were cut short and they must be inconsolable with pain and grief.

Also, I got word that a former co-worker passed away. She was young. She was 51 and didn't feel well. She took a nap and when they went to check on her.....well, it was already too late. Her daughter was her best friend and she's still quite young. She graduated high school in 2011 and was away at college. 

I've had to learn the lesson of mortality at an early age as well. I can tell you that isn't a lesson that should be learned early. It changes you. It gives you the feeling that all relationships are on shaky ground because they can disappear at a moments notice. Closeness becomes scary.

Then, to add a tiara to the week, with all these things happening, it's cold and raining. That means the pain has spiraled once again. 

If it isn't one thing it's another.

I'm not trying to minimize the happenings or compare them to the pain that has attacked my body once again. I'm just adding it to the list of events of the week. There is nothing that can compare to that kind of loss. Then compound that loss with the addition of senseless violence and what can be said?

I hate these kind of life lessons.

I hate the change that life lessons bring; the innocence of life that is lost and the realization that the people you love most can be taken away from you in the blink of an eye. Parents should never have to bury their children and little children should not know loss. They should be safe and secure in the knowledge that their parents will be there. Parents should not know the all-consuming grief and pain that their beautiful little sweethearts are gone.

What is wrong with this world?

What will inevitably happen is that the issue of gun control will come up again. It will be debated and debated but nothing ever seems to get done. I truly believe on the one hand that if guns are outlawed then only the outlaws will have guns. The war on alcohol during Prohibition, the war on drugs, the war on terror and now the war on guns.....to what end? They are all still alive and well despite the efforts to rid our world of them. I do believe that we need stricter laws and background checks before anyone can purchase them. I think online sales should be banned. I think certain types of guns should not be in the hand of private citizens. Military weapons are just that...military weapons. You need an assault rife to kill a deer??

I think it's our culture that is sick and in need of help.
You can ban all types of weapons but you just can't ban evil.

I think it's time we get rid of our culture of certain kinds of tolerance. You cannot teach children that everything they do wrong is someone elses fault or that something else is to blame. We need to bring back consequences for actions. We've become a society that doesn't want to hurt that little inner child. We equate discipline with abuse. When did it become acceptable for manners to go out the window? When did "please" and "thank-you" get deleted from our vocabulary? When did we decide that just because children grow up less fortunate they should be given a pass? We have done that in our educational system and look what the effect of that has been. I've seen what so-called high school graduates have learned and it's appalling. We need to crank our curriculum up about 7 notches so we can start raising children who will be capable of working in this global economy.

If I sound like I want to take our culture back about 40 years......well, I do and I don't. In some respects.....I do. I look at what children can see on TV during prime time and I honestly don't know how I'd answer the questions that would arise. The innocence that should be childhood has been wiped away. Growing up too soon is all over the news and it's "cool." Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?

I don't think I'm old fashioned. I'm not trying to be an old grandma but I see society heading in a direction that isn't good.....

Enough.....

I'm off my soapbox.

But...........

I hope that everyone hugs those they love a little tighter tonight.

THANKS AND GIVING

Being thankful.

Attitude of gratitude.

Is it easy?

It's definitely not easy to pull yourself out of yourself and think of all the blessings that you have in your life. Chronic pain makes you withdraw..........it likes it that way. All it wants you to do is focus on your pain. The pain tells you that it's for self-protection and that it's for the best.

The pain lies.

Thanksgiving is a time for friends and family. It's a time for giving and it's a time to be grateful for what we do have and are able to do. No matter how bad we feel...well, it could always be worse. I know that I'm guilty of letting pain shift my focus inward. I mean, let's face it, if the only thing that I'm grateful for is that I'm not a turkey.........well, you get the idea.

I need to stop and think.

Sometimes it's volunteering, or listening. Sometimes it might just be a smile. Gratitude is infectious even for the most cynical. I went to a church service and people were speaking about what they were thankful for this year. I was sitting there half listening and a man took his turn at the microphone and said he was grateful that he had his son for 17 years because his son went home to be with the Lord. I was shaken out of my complacency. I couldn't believe the dignity and grace that this man had in the face of such tragedy. It's hard for me to even write the words. 

I can think of nothing worse.

So, I think I can look at "me" and be grateful. I don't mean that I'm playing Pollyanna or glossing over trials that can be faced in life. I just think we can still find blessings that we have all around us. Instead of my focus being negative (like it usually is) I need to find a way to be more positive. I know that I have to dig down real deep. 

Wait.........this is making me sound like an ungrateful brat. That's not it at all and that's not me at all. I do know that there are others hurting as much and much more than I am. So what to do? It's still difficult to give when you feel like you don't have anything left in you. I have friends that I've met through blogging and they are HURTING. 

It comes down to not only being grateful for what we do have but also giving to someone, ANYONE else. We need to move beyond ourselves. I realize that if I were to go to houses down the block and trade my problems for theirs I might just come to the conclusion that I don't have it so bad after all. 


I may not have a back and neck that are in the greatest condition and I may have an illness that doesn't have a conclusive beginning or end BUT, all in all, I am thankful for my wonderful family and friends. That, in itself, should keep me in an attitude of gratitude. 


I have a wonderful daughter and son-in-law.


That's the icing on the cake.


Cake??


Did someone say cake??


Oh yeah..........I did!!


Time for dessert and for that I am thankful!

TIME CAN HEAL ALL WOUNDS

It's funny how things change.

Life, Ideas and Beliefs.
You.
Time can heal all wounds.

It was Thanksgiving Day and it was going to be a long day. The pain had started early in the morning and it was hard to walk. I knew I better start the pain medication otherwise I'd be crying before I even arrived at the in-laws; or the outlaws, as we like to call ourselves.

I didn't want my daughter to be worried about me and seeing me wince in pain would definitely do that. I prayed that the medication would take effect and at least help me pull off my little charade of feeling just fine. Her dad and his wife were also going to be spending the day with us and I wanted it to be a day of joy, not one of worry. 


For so long I blamed my former husband for the events that led up to our divorce. I had a lot of anger that I kept buried deep inside. What I didn't realize is that the anger was there long before I even got married. I still don't know everything that is buried in there but he got damaged goods and neither one of us was aware of it. You can't fully love anyone else unless you love yourself first and that was my problem. I didn't know how to be open and vulnerable, well, I did but it wasn't going to happen. The added plus was that if he did see what was underneath all of that he wouldn't love what he saw. Having gone through all of that and very slowly came out of it, I wasn't sure how I felt about spending the day with them. All I did know was that my daughter wasn't going to pay for my insecurities and I was determined to smile, no matter what.


The conversation during dinner was so easy. The families were blending beautifully and I couldn't ask for anything better. Then my former husband asked me if I'd spoken with my aunt lately. 


Maybe it was all the carbs and the sugar but I had a moment of clarity. I'm not saying my ex-husband was an angel but my reactions to the issues and problems that we had were way over the top. He was surrounded by the women in my family who had their own problems in their marriages and, in this case, misery really loved company.  I have no idea if we would have worked everything out but it seemed that everyone from our pastor (and that is whole other story) to my family was actively sabotaging our marriage. The scary thing is, I allowed it, reveled in it and did my part to destroy it.


It took me a very long time to get away from the dysfunctional dynamic this side of my family possessed. It was a family that needed drama, intensity and high volume to survive. The women were strong and heaven help you if you got in their way. Well, they would just steamroller over you and that was that. I ended up with them because I had lost both of my parents and I moved in with them.  The trauma of losing both of my anchors so early in my life took a huge toll on me. I already had issues with abandonment and losing my parents cast those issues in stone. I took on the personality of my aunt as my own and even when I disagreed I couldn't open my mouth. I felt that if I did take an opposite stance I could lose another set of parents. I was locked up in a prison of my own making. 


When my aunts and cousins marriages were breaking up I was at ground zero in the middle of the perfect storm. As far as everyone was concerned, men were bad and then it turned out that my husband couldn't even breathe right. I was in an environment of malice and I couldn't stop it. I felt powerless and I went right along with all of it. It wasn't until they turned on me as well that I found out that I still had my own personal power; and, at that point, I used it. However, by the time I used it the cost was very high. I had been a loose cannon and everything was fair game. By the time the storm had stopped there was a lot of devastation in its path.


It's bittersweet to look back and think of the different paths that could have been chosen. There are ways to handle conflicts and I chose every wrong one. It took a long time for me to finally be at peace and I value that more than anything I possess. I can now look at him and, with all my heart,  thank him for the years we did have together and for our beautiful daughter. 


I can say how sorry I am, and mean it. 


I don't have to preface everything with, "if you hadn't......... then I wouldn't have....."  


I guess I've grown more than I realized.

LIFE IS FRAGILE

In the hustle and bustle of everyday life,

we forget how fragile life is.

In a moment, a twinkling of an eye,

everything can change.

It was Labor Day and in my ever-present fog I had forgotten about a barbecue for a dear member of the family who is moving back to Ohio. I was so tired and I had slept most of the day. Once I had gotten up and looked at my phone I realized that I had totally forgotten it. My daughter had sent me a text message earlier in the day about it and I sent one back that I was just to tired to go.

I called her and then my world suddenly dropped out from beneath me. Her fiance, my dear almost son-in-law, was in the emergency room. It wasn't clear what was wrong but from all indications it looked like he had some kind of stroke or seizure. His speech was slurred and he didn't know where he was and it took quite a few people to get him into the car and to the hospital which, thank goodness, was only a few minutes away. 

I flew out the door to the hospital. I was in pain before the call and after the call my whole body was crying out in pain. 

I ignored it. 

I had to. 

Hearing my daughters terrified voice propelled me into action. I couldn't believe what was happening. I can understand it happening to someone older but he's 30 years old and healthy. What the heck was going on?

When I walked into his room he didn't know me and that scared me to my core. I looked at my daughters face and quickly looked away. I'm the only one that just by looking at her can bring her emotions to the forefront and reduce her to tears. I know she didn't want to break down in front of him so I went back to the waiting room. During the next 24 hours he had every test imaginable and they all came back normal. So far, until they get the results of the EEG, he passed everything with flying colors. As of now, he's alert and can remember everything except  when the episode occurred. 

What it did was put life in perspective. We don't know when our lives can change. Thank goodness, it looks like he's going to be fine and it was some sort of TIA (transient ischemic attack) but it could have gone the other way too. The only thing that matters in this life is the health of the people we love. 

We have changed from the people that we were. While not quite on the level of a mini-stroke or something life threatening, what we have is something life changing. It take us from normal, functioning human beings and brings us to people that live our lives at the whim of our bodies. We never know what the day will bring. One day we can be free of pain and then next be down on our knees begging for God to take the pain away. We just never know.

What I do know is that we should embrace every day as a gift, no matter how we feel. Everything we know and have can be changed or taken away in a moments notice. Life is much too short. I will try not to let the stresses of life's circumstances get to me. I will try to remember that however bad I feel, life is still precious. I will try to look up into the heavens and be grateful for each breath. 

I will look at my children and smile and always thank God that they are happy and healthy. It's come too close and I was reminded how fragile life can be.

I will never take that for granted again.

FROM A DISTANCE

When I stop to think about it,

I realize that the pain

has made it easier 

for me to be alone.

There comes a point when it's easier to retreat than to move forward. I got so tired of explaining myself and I also got tired of feeling guilty when I did. I got tired of  "the look." You know the one, the one that tries to say "I understand" but the truth shines through and their eyes are saying, "oh no, not this again."

So in accordance with my already trusting nature I keep people at a distance. Well, it really doesn't have that much to do with the pain, unless you count emotional pain. When your personality traits point to the glass half empty it's easy to just keep it going in that direction. I've had the people that should have been by my side turn on me and that betrayal really hurt me. 

Beyond hurt me.

I've always felt more comfortable writing about my feelings. It's so much easier than opening up face to face. I tend to keep the wall up and also I forget everything I want to say. I feel like I can get everything I need to convey across in this medium. Maybe it's because it's more impersonal so it's easier to get personal. 

Does that make any sense??

After I got divorced friends scattered to the winds. A few of them decided to take sides and I never asked them to do that. I didn't feel it was necessary but it seems a division of the camps was in the cards. So more friends bit the dust. My dad always told me if you can count your friends on one hand you're very lucky. I don't expect anything from my friends than I'm willing to give myself. I'm understanding and forgiving. I'll give unconditional loyalty and I expect the same. I don't need to hear from them everyday; they are tucked away securely in my heart. 

Evidently, that is too much to ask for some people.

If you can't say it to my face you better not say it behind my back. With true friends we can agree to disagree. I just really hate fake. Even though those experiences hurt me to the core, maybe it was for the better. No one needs toxic people in their lives especially when you're dealing with chronic pain.  Some of those people really needed to be purged from my life. I think I've always looked at people the way I want them to be instead of who they really are. Maybe the signs have been there all along and I just overlooked them. Maybe I just didn't want to face the fact  that people I loved could have been so hurtful. 

Deliberately.

I've always said that people will show you who they are if you look at them long enough. 

I won't confuse personality and character ever again.

MEET THE PARENTS

July is always a tough month for me.

It's been 36 and 33 years

and even though the pain is gone

the reflections are bittersweet.

I don't think that you should learn the lesson of mortality in your early 20's. It changes you and, in my case, not for the better. My parents death shook me to my very core and removed the feeling of security. It served to cement the knowledge that nothing in this life is permanent and that knowledge has followed me, in varying degrees, until this very day. It not only followed me it shaped the way I looked at family, friends and life.

I didn't need or want to know that. 

I'm not sure what to write. I know that I miss them; their counsel and just their very presence. I believe that my life choices would have been very different if they had been here. I think if I had to decide, I'm more like my dad. He had a dry sense of humor and very quick decision making skills. He was more cerebral and very private. My mother was a wonderful cook and could make anything grow. She had a tender heart and showed every emotion on her face. She was hysterical and my dad likened her to Lucy. When I see some of the characteristics in writing I realize I'm a blend. I know that genetics obviously play a large role in development but, since I was adopted, I can tell you that a lot of it I picked up by osmosis. Either that or my biological parents were a carbon copy of my parents.

I really do wish that my daughter could have known her grandparents. That's one of my biggest regrets. They would have spoiled her rotten and to my mind, that is exactly what grandparents are supposed to do and I am certain that when my daughter has children I will most certainly follow that wonderful tradition. Spoil them and then send them home.

It's weird. July 9th is the anniversary of my mother's death and it is also the birthday of my daughter's almost mother-in-law.  When I was born I was premature and was in an incubator for 3 months. I needed to reach 5 pounds so I could go home. I was sent home on November 17th and that is the same day that I brought my daughter home from the hospital when she was born. My mother's birthday was May 26th and that is the day I got married. I could go on an on about coincidences with important dates in my life. It always seems to happen that way for some reason. Is that weird or what???

So July is a month of reflection for me. My parents would be in their 90's if they had lived. The other VERY strange thing is the age they were when they passed away. My mom was 59 and my dad was 61. They seemed so old to me......I mean, parents were old. They looked old to me and they acted old.  I'm almost the same age as my mother was when she died and I can't see myself as being old. I don't look it and I certainly don't act it. Come on, I am not ready to be a grownup!

That's the trick that age plays on us. Our bodies, no matter how in shape or toned we are, do age but our minds don't catch up. I still feel the same way that I did in my 20's except  I just have a little more experience under my belt. Well, a lot more experience. This is when I look in the mirror and  hate my neck. I've never been tempted to get a face lift but I have been tempted to refresh my neck just a tad. That's the thing about aging. You really do miss your neck. Also, when you walk down the street in your 60's, not many turn around and say, "whoa, baby"!

You know, I may be more like my mother than I realize. I started this post kind of blue and missing my mom. She was also a random thinker and she'd come up with stuff out of the blue and I'd look at her and wonder where the heck did that come from?  Well, I don't have to look far to find her. She's right here.

Hello mom.........your daughter is keeping up your glorious tradition and you'd be happy to learn that it has been passed on to your granddaughter. 

We're all just three little peas in a pod.

THANKS, DAD.

Father's Day

It's a tough day for me.

He's not here.

This is still a tough day for me because I was always a Daddy's Girl and I have wonderful memories of my dad. He was tough because he knew I could conquer any challenge put before me. He was fair because justice was played a huge part of his character. He pushed me because he knew I needed to be pushed. He made me focus when I would be scattered. He was proud of me no matter what I did.

It was one of life's defining moments for me when he died. He was diagnosed with advanced brain and lung cancer in May and was gone by the end of July. It's one of those weird moments because you think your parents will always be there. Well, you know not always  but not until you're waaaaay older.

I got my first taste of mortality right before 21 and I didn't like it. I took it out on everyone when he died and it changed me. I realized then that life and relationships were not permanent and I steeled myself against further loss. It didn't matter because my mother died 3 years later. That served to cement that thought in my mind even further. 

Don't get too close because they will only leave you.

It took a long time to get through that and I'm not sure that I don't have some of the remnants of that left. 

I have especially missed him once I had my daughter. You know, it's the milestones when you miss them the most. I know how he treated his other grandchildren and Danielle would have been the apple of his eye. If I spoiled her that's nothing compared to what he would have done with her. 

So another Father's Day has come and gone. I can only wish that Danielle's father would show that kind of interest in her. Having that relationship was so special and I think it's great for a girl to be spoiled by her dad. I'm thankful that I had the kind of upbringing that I had and I miss him especially on day's like today. 

So, thanks Dad, for everything. 

I miss you.

IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE!

It's fantastic to see my daughter and future son-in-law so happy.  Last night was an engagement party with the kids and their friends. What a nice group of people they have surrounding them. The couples they know are bright, articulate, funny, educated and they have wonderful values. It doesn't get any better than that.

The thing that amazes me about age is that your mind doesn't catch up to your body. It didn't seem all that long ago that I was their age. The conversations all seemed the same. The only difference was the advice that was given to new mothers. Ah, the benefit of years of experience! It is unreal to think that I was a little younger than my daughter when I got married. I felt so old and in control of my life. Now, I look at her and realize that she's a grown woman that I raised with all love and care that I possess. She is lovely and this is my greatest accomplishment. I, on the other hand, finally felt my age. 

All the milestones that you have with your children; you can't wait for their first steps, their first day of school, their first dance, sweet sixteen, their drivers license, graduation. You go through their first kiss, their first love and their first heartbreak. It's bittersweet because as you go through all these "firsts" you also realize how quickly time passes. It flies by WAY too fast.

I don't mind my age, I really don't, but there are moments that you realize the torch is being passed and last night was one of them for me. The mom's and dad hung around and talked to each other and had fun with the kids but we were definitely "the parents." Funny, isn't it?

When they are little you worry that they will meet the wrong man but that is nothing compared to the feeling that you have when they meet the right man. Now she is moving away from me and toward her future. She is moving toward a future with a young man who is strong, stable, grounded, centered and looks at her with an amazing amount of love in his eyes. Watching him watch her almost moves me to tears. He tells me he would walk through fire for Danielle and I know that he would. Together they're funny, strong, stubborn and passionate. I have no doubt that the same passion that binds them will also produce a few arguments that will rival the July fourth fireworks. The good thing is that neither one of them are right-fighters. They want resolution that works for both of them. 

So as we prepare for a beautiful and memorable wedding ceremony I know that this is another one of the firsts that I've been waiting and preparing for a long time. They will have a good strong marriage and I'm so happy for them. 

I take that back.

I'm happy for all of us.

Plus, she's going to be a beautiful bride.

I love you both,

Mom.

IT WAS WONDERFUL

I was right.


As my nephew-in-law stated, "it wasn't a meeting, it was a reunion."


Families met, told stories, laughed and bonded. 


It was a perfectly blended drink.

We watching wedding tapes, old movies and new engagement movies. We ate great food and just had a wonderful time. It had been so long since I've seen my family and I've missed them. My problem is that I'm too frozen to go out and be among the living again.

All I know is that I smiled and felt good for a short period of time during the day. I still had to take some pain medication because I started to hurt but having them around me helped, not only my disposition, but my pain.

I can't wait for the next time. 

It just can't take two years for it to happen because I do love them very much.

AUTOIMMUNE HASHIMOTOS THYROIDITIS

Image via Wikipedia

Hashimoto's Thyroiditis.

The extreme fatigue, muscle cramps, thinning eyebrows, vague joint pain, cold hands and feet, low body temperature, depression, weight gain and the ever-present lack of concentration.

It seems that this has been going on for quite some time. The confusing part is that the normal thyroid panel that is run was in the normal range. I guess the most people have one or the other. I have Hashimoto's thyroiditis and a very high rate of reverse T3. This is basically your fake parking spot for the thyroid hormone but it doesn't know what to do when it gets there. It would figure that I'd have both.

It is inherited. I don't know that much about my medical history but at least I know that I did get this lovely gene from my mother. When I found this out I immediately alerted my daughter to get these blood tests because she has some of the same fishy symptoms.

Image via Wikipedia

The thyroid is a little butterfly shaped gland located at the base of the neck and it wraps itself around the windpipe. Slight trouble swallowing could occur if the thyroid gets inflamed and presses upon the esophagus.

This is an autoimmune disease. Your bodies own T-cells are attacking the thyroid and treating it as a foreign entity. If left untreated this can eventually lead to heart failure. Thank goodness my homocystine levels (a marker for cardiovascular disease) was very low.

The reverse T3 was very interesting. It seems that the body, in reaction to either physical or emotionally prolonged stressful periods will increase the levels of Reverse T3. This is probably the reason for weight gain. A lot of times medication addressing the active T3 levels will allow weight loss without a lot of dietary changes.

Now without insurance the medication for bioidentical thyroid, hormones, progesterone and testosterone was $262.00. How in the world do people do this every month??

Great. More stress. Just what my body needs. I do feel slightly validated. At least I know I'm not crazy about the symptoms. You know that you know that you know but no doctor will believe you or get the appropriate tests to find out what's going on in your body. Then this disease slowly progresses until you feel like a lump. A big, fat lump.

The good old fibro cake is baking and the icing is the thyroid.

WORDS OF WISDOM

"It's not that I don't care about losing good friends. It's simply I know when someone wants to walk, let them. Cut the cord and don't look back. They're not worth the time it takes to hold onto a cord that is unraveling, anyway."

You know......it's amazing how much you can learn from your kids if you just listen. The statement that I posted above could have saved me years of heartache. It's true.....if you can go through this life and count your friends on one hand, you're a very lucky person. People come and go and there is a reason and season for everything.

It's keeps you in somewhat of a comfort zone when you look at people the way you want them to be instead of the way that they are. What don't you realize? They don't pay the price, you do. Keeping the cord from unraveling when it's going to anyway is very consuming work. It is better to let it go. Memories play funny tricks on your mind and sometimes you think you can re-capture the feeling or you don't want to make the first move. It comes back to standing for something is better than falling for anything.

I've got members of family that have gotten so far to the edge of the world but it's not my job to keep them from going over the cliff. I've come to realize that if I hang on they'll take me over with them. There's a fine line between supportive and enabling. It became time to let it go and say so. I'll tell you............it feels good.

The other thing is that sometimes it's very easy to confuse personality with character. That little lesson sometimes costs you as well. So as life lessons continue, I am indebted to my son-in-law for genuine words of wisdom that I will take to heart.