MOVING DAY? TRY MOVING MONTHS.

Sometimes it's not smooth sailing.

Sometimes the waves are huge.

Sometimes the waves just slam you on the shore.

It's been quite some time since I've written anything. I've been exhausted; mentally and physically. In the last seven months our home was put on the market, sold, fell out of escrow, sold again, fell out of escrow again and then sold. Really sold. This is a process that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I still haven't recovered and the move was completed over a month ago. 

The process started last June, 2016 when we listed the home. The home sold pretty fast so the packing started. I figured  that I'd pack up some of the things that I didn't use that often. After all, I'd be unpacking in a couple of months. 

Right?
Not so fast.

Then we had a buyer who was perfect. He was a contractor and had all sorts of plans for the home. He had his house in escrow and he wanted to close quickly so we went crazy packing up everything only leaving the things we'd absolutely need for a few weeks. After all, we'd be unpacking in a few weeks. We were assured that his buyer was solid.

Or so we thought.

The NIGHT before the buyers documents were to be signed we found out that his loan had been denied. Un-fricking-believable. It took a week to process that bubble being burst. We decided to unpack and put the home back on the market in the spring. I didn't unpack everything. I figured that some of it I really didn't need and it would save time later.

Right.

In December that buyer came back. He had sold his home and still wanted ours. The little sticking point? Now we had to RE-PACK the house and find another home that we could close on quickly. Like in a month. At this point I'm ready to fall over but there is no time for that. We found a place that we actually loved and all the dominoes fell perfectly.

What wasn't perfect was me.
But, at least it was over.
January 17, 2017.
It was a LONG 7 months.

I couldn't do one more thing. I've pushed my body to its limit and it was too much. There is something about stress and how it affects your body. When Fibromyalgia is involved, however, all bets are off. You cannot do this without stopping to decompress. 

The problem is that I have very high standards for myself. My personality has really shown through during this move. I've become very pissy and I wanted things done. Did I also mention that I wanted it done yesterday and preferably in alphabetical order? Oh, come on.....who the hell puts moving boxes in alphabetical order? I ordered labels from Amazon and printed out the contents of each box. Try doing that for over 200 boxes.

The other thing I can't do is tell everyone how bad I feel. It becomes a broken record. I'm sure they get tired of hearing it and I really get tired of saying it. There is something to be said about smiling through the pain. Just because I sound fine doesn't mean that I don't spend most of my day in pain and exhaustion. What I have is variable. The symptoms vary from day to day and sometimes from minute to minute. Since the move we can just add second to second. 

I'd like to get out and do things. I'd like to start working out again. There are a lot of things that I'd like to do. I just don't have the inclination or the energy to do them. A lot of times, since the move, getting out and doing things can reduce me to tears before the end of the day. There isn't a place on my body that can be touched that doesn't cause pain. It makes me want to hide away. 

Once the muscle spasms hit it's time to take the medication otherwise sleep will be impossible and, of course, that exacerbates the pain. It's a roller coaster and you wish to God you could get off. It becomes your prayer late in the night. Please let me get off this roller coaster. 

Please.

Just when I thought there would be a break in all this the humidity hit with a vengeance. I don't do well when the rain rolls in and an increase in the humidity and barometric pressure causes havoc. So, it's back to feeling like crapola.

I tried going back to work for a couple days a week. I really do miss new home sales. I started with a temp service that staffs sales offices with people that have new home experience for the agents days off or vacation days. I loved it but my body didn't. I used to pride myself on my intelligence. I could look at proformas and spreadsheets and loved to read the fine print. Contracts were my special love. I could rip them apart and put together something to behold. Now it seems like someone smeared oil over my lenses. Everything looks fuzzy. I no longer have the patience or intelligence to read and retain what I've read. I read and re-read. I stare at what I've read and get the deer-in-the-headlight look and frantically search for a remnant of the former woman with the near photographic memory. What is this insidious disease that robs you of your intelligence and leaves a fairly intelligent woman searching for the right words, forgetting where she put her keys, sitting in the car and wondering where I'm going.

I found out that I need to make lists.

There is a reason that that there are lists.

Three most stressful things in life?

Death.

Divorce.

Moving.

I've found that moving may cause the other two on the list.

I never want to do it again.

Oops......

I said never.........

Drat.

MY TEACHABLE MOMENTS

I've learned a lot.

Taking it to heart?

Well.....not so fast.

Being in pain on a daily basis has taught me a lot. Not only has it taught me about my body but it's also taught me about my soul. 

So, what have I learned?

1. I've learned that chronic means forever. When I was first diagnosed I didn't know what it really meant. I knew there would be bad days but I actually thought I'd also have pain free days. What I've learned is that Fibromyalgia doesn't change. It's there with you in varying degrees of severity on a daily basis. Wishing it away doesn't work.

2. I've learned that trying to fix all of this sometimes doesn't work. I've jumped on every bandwagon out there. I'm not saying that a good diet doesn't help and I'm not putting down alternative medicine. I think there is a place for all of it. I, personally, just don't think that there is "the miracle cure for only $29.95" out there. I don't think all of this is a conspiracy of "big pharma." Having said that, I think the medications that have been approved for Fibromyalgia don't work for a lot of patients and, personally, I think the risks outweigh the benefits.

3. I've learned that we need to take responsibility for our actions. I can't reinvent the wheel. I was born with my Type A squared personality. I loved the stress of the job and the more on my plate the better I liked it. Your body was not meant to live in the "flight or fight" survival mode on a continual basis. You will burn out. I've come to realize that my excuses for not coming down off of hyperdrive were just that: excuses. We need to decompress not only for our mental well being but for our physical well being. Now, for the caveat. Just because we loved the lifestyle does not mean we did this to ourselves and if we just calm down it will go away. There is a switch that has been tripped and, hopefully, that is what researchers will try to figure out. Me? If I do anything I do it all the way. I work hard, play hard and rest hard. I also got sick hard. I guess I've been perfect at that as well. I wake up everyday thinking that I'll set these realistic boundaries for myself and once again I find a way to count everyone of my imperfections. I find a way to include just one more task, one more email or one more activity that I know will hurt me tomorrow. 

4. I've learned that I can't be in denial. It doesn't work. Trust me, I've been down that road too. If I just forget about it and push through it will be ok. Your body has a wonderful way to pay you back. I do it all the time because I don't listen to my own advice. I feel pretty good? Back to mach 2 until my body reaches up and slaps me as if to say, "you were acting stupid and I stopped you for your own good." Gee, I sound like my mother. 

5. I've learned to forgive myself. I know that we hear from articles and people all the time that we are the result of trauma and abuse or our own unresolved hurts and issues. Maybe it's true and maybe it isn't. I do know that I didn't hurt like this until I had a car rear-end mine in 2008 going about 35. Maybe I need to forgive him because NONE of this started until that moment. Then again, maybe that was just the trigger. I don't know. Here's what I think about forgiveness. I think asking forgiveness for those issues can be healing if you have had trauma or abuse and need to move forward from that. Forgiveness doesn't give carte blache for the act but what it does is tell the ones who have hurt us that they no longer hold any power. I think on another level we need to forgive our body for betraying us and changing our lives. I'm a natural cynic who has unyielding faith. Weird, isn't it?  I have an absolute faith in the tenet that God has never left me or forsaken me, no matter what my personal circumstance. Whatever I'm going through right now will take me to a different level; not only in my life but my faith. I've never faulted God for my personal circumstance. On the other hand, if I hear "suffering builds character" one more time I may scream.

6. I haven't learned that it helps to keep our minds positive. This one is the hardest for me. I am not Mary Sunshine. I tend to see the glass half empty and as far as human nature goes, well, I've never been disappointed. I like phrases like, "when you see the light at the end of the tunnel it's probably the train coming at you full speed."  So how do you do this? I don't think I'm a pessimist....I'm more of a realist. I have really tried to be optimistic but if any of you have some ideas I'd love to hear them. I want to be better at this, I really do. I only put this in here because I haven't learned this lesson yet.

7. I've learned that we need to trust our own judgment. There are all sorts of groups on social media out there. If you don't follow a gluten free diet you're going to be in pain. If you don't follow use alternative medicine you won't get well. If you go to a regular doctor you're an idiot. I've seen people used medical terminology and they have NO CLUE what it truly means. It does take awhile to find a doctor that will understand and listen. I'm not saying they are infallible but to trust social media isn't the way to go. We need to listen to our bodies, ourselves and our doctors.

8. I've learned that I need to let go. Life has a funny way of showing you another destiny than the one you carved out for yourself. What I did and had before is different now. I can't hold on to the past as desperately as I want to. It isn't good and I might miss opportunities that show up because of chronic pain. What does it take to reach a point of acceptance? Sometimes I think acceptance and resignation is the same as defeat. There we go again. Anything less than perfection is failure. In my head I know that I'm an imperfect being but the bar that I've set for myself is a different issue altogether.

9. I've learned that it's not a bad thing to be a little vulnerable. This one is hard for me as well. I've always equated vulnerable with weak when, actually, it's quite the opposite. It takes a great deal of strength to admit weakness. I've found out that sometimes I'm not as strong as I think I am. I've also learned that everyone else has weakness as well. We always think the other person has it all together. That's not necessarily true. I think it's more than that, though. I still say it makes me imperfect and weak. It makes me realize that I'm not as strong as I think I am and I can't take care of myself all the time. It's self-reliance and I may not be in total control of my destiny. I hate that.

10. I've learned that I don't have control. This one is a constant struggle. I've always liked to control the environment around me. That's a huge part of my personality. I've always felt that if I can control things then I won't get any nasty surprises. Well, I didn't say that it worked I just said I liked to operate that way! I've had to accept that I won't know what I'm dealing with regarding my body on a day to day basis. That means I can plan but plans may change. I've had to let go and that isn't easy for me.  So many things haven't been easy and I've had a hard time dealing with that. I know it's something I have to learn to accept but it's that darn little word called control. I don't have it and it makes me crazy.

So here's the top ten lessons for the day.

What I've learned.

What I'm still learning.

And what I should give up.

As far as that last one?

I'm not big on giving up things!

STOP, DROP AND PUT IT IN NEUTRAL

It's been well documented that our physical and emotional wellness intersect. We need management tips and we need them bad because, let's face it, there are days that everything is just overwhelming. Everything we read tells us to sleep and get rid of the stress in our lives. What happens when we just can't seem to do that? 

The one thing we don't want to hear is the rest, move and sleep platitudes. Like I said, very good things but those words tend to really irritate us especially when we are really hurting. We would do those things if we could. Don't compound the situation by telling us what we already know. 

So?

Stress makes us crazy. That old pesky fight or flight light that goes off and sends cortisol running through our body.  I remember the feeling. My muscles would tighten and my heart would beat faster. It seems like your senses are sharper. I thought I would thrive in that environment and I loved it. However...... If chronic stress can rewire the brain then I must be really screwed up. The body needs to shut off the switch and therein lies the problem. The stress felt so normal for so long that it tends to give you a warm, fuzzy feeling but the price that you pay for that over-achieving, perfectionist, familiar feeling is a very heavy toll on your system. 

You put a bulls-eye on your back.

Put the effects of stress together with a central nervous system dysfunction that is found in Fibromyalgia and you have a recipe for disaster. We have to find a way to breathe through the stress. Do whatever it takes because we have to. Try yoga, aromatherapy, acupuncture, massage, biofeedback.....anything.....going outdoors and looking at the sky......whatever it takes to relax.

If there is a great deal of stress that is overwhelming you the best thing you can do for yourself is to take some time for you. I find that a bath is a real lifesaver in those situations. I'm one of those people that thinks a bath helps everything. Feel icky? Get in the tub. Stuffy nose? Get in the tub. Stressed? You got it......

Having said that, removing yourself from your mind isn't easy. The wheels keep turning. There has to be some way that you can shut the door and stop. Even if it's just for a few moments. Put on your headphones and listen to some of your favorite songs. Place your head on the pillow and shut your eyes. Go to the beach or to the place where you felt warm and safe and stay there for a little while. Sit outdoors and look up at the sky and just "put it in neutral."

I love that  saying.

Our support group is focused on emotional wellness this month. I really needed to hear it this month. I'm in one of "those places." What was said was so simple but it was brilliant. It was something we all can relate to and know exactly what it means.

Put it in neutral.

When you feel yourself caving and life seems stressful take that gearshift and place the car in neutral. I was amazed at how simple, effective and how much it helped. 

That's all we need to say to ourselves.

Stop.

Drop.

And put it in neutral.

As an added FYI Judith Westerfield posted about "I'm safe" on her website. Read this as well. It truly helps!!!  

HERE'S MY NUMBER SO I'LL CALL YOU MAYBE

The stress of chronic illness.

Where do I begin?

Chronic illness:  the invisible shackles that bind us. It's been said that we "acquire" Fibromyalgia due to stress. What they fail to acknowledge is the stress that chronic pain brings along with it.

One of my favorites is agreeing to something social. Now, in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "should I put several caveats in the agreement so I don't look like a no-show again?" 

It seems that everything is a fight. Not a physical or verbal fight but a fight of circumstances. You feel like you are fighting against the immovable object.  I was driven, competitive and work obsessed. Then I got slammed and it all went out the window. When you have to redefine yourself....well, it isn't pretty. We go from mach 2 to ZERO and that takes its toll. That alone brings all kinds of stressors. Most of the people I know define themselves by their work and I was no different. 

I was in New Home Sales and loved it. It took a long time to get over the fact that I would never man a sales office again. There is a lot of climbing stairs, movement and memory involved. There are days that I still have a tough time dealing with it, not only because of the income, but I loved what I did.

So, back to feeling like cow plop.

When I have something I want to do it's kind of a crap shoot whether I'll go. If the pain level is manageable...of course I go....but on any given day....well, that's up for grabs too. Weather seems to bother me and it's been haywire lately. 

We want to go away and the stress of traveling is just one more thing. When you can't sit for more than 20 minutes and it's a five hour flight......what do you do? I don't love flying on the best of days let alone the worst of them. Just to get the bulkhead seats I had to get a doctor's note and show medical records for a reason that I have to sit there. Then the humidity levels are much higher than they are where I live......I'm just hoping that I can sit my fanny on a beach and not care how much pain I'm in.

Did we say stress? It seems that everything has stress attached to it. It may not be overt but it's still there. Why? Because we cannot fly by the seat of our pants anymore. Every little thing has to be planned out and accounted for......and even then it may not work out. I get so tired of being tired and in pain. I want to shake it off and have pain-free fun.

I want to get out and call people and enjoy life. Now, I'm afraid that I'll be a big drag because I just can't do what I used to do. Pain, fatigue and nerve damage.....did I say stress?

Gee............

Everything revolves around me.

That used to be a good thing,

Now, it's a pain in the fanny.

Notice I said fanny.

STILL STRESSED AFTER ALL THESE YEARS

Can we ever be stress free?

Not in this life.

I always thought that my body thrived on stress. As amazing as that sounds, I really thought that I was at my best when under pressure. I had no idea what I was doing to myself.

What does happen during stressful situations?

What happens is your body goes into the "flight or fight syndrome." Your liver produces more glucose for energy for your muscles. Your body produces cortisol which suppresses the immune system. Your blood pressure rises.  Adrenaline is secreted so your body is ready for action. A body full of adrenaline can do superhuman feats. 

You are now "in the stress zone."

Actually, you're in survival mode.

Cortisol is produced in the adrenal cortex in the adrenal gland.  In small amounts it can heighten memory functions, lower sensitivity to pain, help maintain your internal equilibrium and give you a burst of energy. However, at its height, stress hormones are released into the body in an unprecedented rate. 

When your body perceives that threat the nervous system responds by sending hormones into the body. You are on alert. Your muscles tighten, your heart beats faster, all your senses become sharper, your blood pressure rises and you breathe a little faster. It is your bodies was of protecting you. 

So what if we live life in the fast lane?

Chronic stress is different than the momentary flight or fight stress. Chronic stress changes the way the body functions because we don't flip the switch that turns the flood of hormones off in our body. The heart can become more susceptible to disease from the constant flow of cortisol. Brain function can be compromised and learning and memory can also be altered. The immune system is suppressed. 

If you don't switch it off your body doesn't have the opportunity to return to normal.

When the stress that you're under is greater than your body can tolerate you become more at risk for stress related disorders.

The body doesn't differentiate between physical and emotional stress. Stress is stress. When you keep yourself in stress mode it becomes harder and harder to shut off the switch. That stress I thought I thrived on? It's that Type A personality that prides itself in its ability to be super person. 

Stress morphs itself into that old familiar warm and fuzzy bathrobe. It feels good to put on because its just too hard to become laid back but the price you pay for that warm and fuzzy feeling is very high. Very high. Over-achieving and perfectionist is what it is. You don't sleep right, you don't eat right and you think you're cruising through life.....

Until.

Anxiety, depression, insomnia, heart problems, immune problems, autoimmune problems or worse. Make no mistake. Stress can kill. 

Put the effects of stress together with a central nervous system dysfunction that is found in Fibromyalgia and you have a recipe for disaster. We have to find a way to breathe through the stress. Do whatever it takes because we have to. Try yoga, aromatherapy, acupuncture, massage, biofeedback.....anything.....going outdoors and looking at the sky......whatever it takes to relax.

Thrive on stress? 

Nope.

It just makes us worse for the wear.

And it just isn't worth it.

DAZED AND CONFUSED

I really do believe that you can

 weather any storm.

Unless you're standing

knee deep in a conductor.

If the picture elicits a confused response then it has done what it was intended to do. I am confused. 

And tired. 

And sore.

And it keeps getting worse.

The muscle spasms at night have been horrible. Around nine I can feel the old familiar tightening and I know they're going to start soon. I hate to take the muscle relaxers but I have no choice unless I want to endure the pain. I've tried the bath and it will help while I'm in there but after I get out they just start all over again.

Let me back up just a bit. 

I'm packing up a home that I've lived in for seventeen years. I have more crapola than I know what to do with. Some of it, well, I've just tossed and some I've given to goodwill. That still leaves me with stuff that my daughter doesn't want and stuff that I'm just not ready to toss. I don't know why I'm still holding on to things that I haven't used in years. I found that I have 15 sets of sheets and blankets that I haven't seen in years. 

It was like Christmas all over again.

But I digress.

There is a reason that moving is one of the most stressful things that you can experience. When you add fibromyalgia to the mix you are in for one doozy of a time. I pack a box and then find that ten more are needed. Just when I think I've made a dent in this venture, I find out that I'm not even close. Maybe I should just close my eyes and throw it all in a box and hope for the best when I get to my new home. Really, I wish I could do that.

I'm just not made that way.

I'm too organized for my own good.


I need to go through every last item and get rid of the stuff that I never use. Again, I have things that I haven't used in at least 15 years. Why do I persist in saving it?  For instance, my mother had tea cups and figurines from her mother. It wasn't anything valuable but they had sentimental value to my mother. I never met the original owner and these things were hidden away in the hutch in the dining room. Now that I'm really looking at these things my only thought is that they don't mean anything to me. The memories that my mother held are long gone. My daughter doesn't want these things and neither do I. Why then is it so difficult to toss them? Memories are stored in our hearts not in nameless figurines and sets of dishes. There are things that are a part of our tradition and those things will remain but the other things definitely need to go.


Good, I'm glad I talked myself into it.

So, now let me continue. 
Does the word rain, cold and cloudy mean anything to you?


I'm totally in move mode.


Moving and hurting don't go together.


But, for now, they have to.


One step at a time.


One baby step at a time.


I keep saying that but it still hasn't worked.


Crapola........ (that's not intended for the stuff in my house)

UNSETTLED SUNDAY

Peering out cautiously.

Looking at the world.

Not sure.

Unsteady.

I thought I knew my life path. I know that life can throw curve balls but I didn't expect them to be as strong and unrelenting as they have become. It feels like I'm coming to a crossroad and I'm not sure what way to go. I've never liked uncertainty and that quality has been a part of my personality for as long as I can remember. I feel comfortable knowing as much as I can about the people around me and my surroundings. I think that if I can then I can avert some of life's nasty surprises.

Wrong.

I'm just hanging today. I'm trying to figure out my next move. If life was a chess game, well, I'd be pretty close to being the master. I'm sitting here drinking Wild Sweet Orange Tea and contemplating my next move. I used to be in Starbucks every day and until I found out about Mocha's, I drank this tea every day. Then Starbucks changed it for this Orange Blossom green tea crap that tastes exactly as I just described it. 

It helps me think.

It keeps my body warm too. Lately, around 5ish, I start to get very cold. Very cold. I end up having to take a real hot shower or bath just to feel warm again. Is that weird? Please tell me that other people get cold in the late afternoon too. I feel that I have enough symptoms and to add even just one more to the list is overload.

Back to thinking.

It's amazing how quickly I can revert to Type A squared. When I start thinking I don't know when to just let go. My perfectionist tendencies kick in and then start to get the better of me. Why the hell don't I just stop? I know that when I do this the stress starts and then pain becomes my best friend again. 

I just need to knock it off.

It probably doesn't help that the weather isn't cooperating either. I woke up to the pitter-patter of little rain drops on my window last night and to a lovely little rainstorm this morning. I used to love the feel of the rain in the air. I still do but with plenty of caveats. I love the feel of rain in the air but it's going to hurt. Nope, that's not quite right. Maybe it should be, "I love the feel of rain in the air but my pain is going to go from a throb to OMG, please make it stop!"


That's about where it is today.


I think we need a new pain scale.


And it shouldn't stop at 10.


Rosemary and the magic barometer .....


Over and out.

BURNING THE CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS

I always thought I thrived on stress.

I was wrong.

So what is the HPA Axis?

The HPA axis is the relationship between the hypothalamus, the pituitary and adrenal glands. Research is showing that people with Chronic Fatigue and/or Fibromyalgia have a real problem in this area.

The hypothalamus is at the base of the brain. It controls body temperature, hunger, thirst, mood, your sex drive and your sleep. The pituitary gland is also at the base of the brain. It controls our metabolism, blood pressure and stress response. The adrenals are at the top of the kidneys. They produce cortisol, adrenalin and norepinephine. 

So basically dysfunction in this area causes low body temperature, digestion problems, problems in the immune system, problems with energy and problems in the response to stress trauma or injury and pain and those are just the highlights.

Does this sound familiar?

The stress response is the body protecting you. I loved the feeling of flight or fight and lived that way on a daily basis. It was more powerful than any drug. I was typical Type A and thought that was the way to really live. If I wasn't going at mach two with my hair on fire then I felt like a wimp. What is interesting is that many of the women I worked with in new home sales now suffer from Fibromyalgia. I don't think it's a coincidence either. We lived under high pressure, long hours and high intensity. The stress was unbelievable. What I didn't realize was that I was burning myself out. I don't think any of use had a clue what was happening to our bodies.  

So what came first?

The chicken or the egg?

I'm not saying that any of us who are Type A personalities did this to ourselves. Did we have problems in this axis to begin with and then the stress just exacerbated the symptoms? Or did the stress and trauma put too much pressure on these glands and they weren't able to deal with it?

I remember the feeling. My muscles would tighten and my heart would beat faster. It seems like your senses are sharper. What I interpreted as daily living was my bodies way of protecting me. It would enable me to rise to the challenge of survival. 

I was in survival mode.

To the max.

When the stress is greater than the body is able to tolerate you are at risk for a stress related disorder. The heart becomes more susceptible to disease because of the increased cortisol and adrenaline in your already compromised system. The body doesn't differentiate between physical and emotional stress. Stress is stress.

If chronic stress can rewire the brain then I must be really screwed up. The body needs to shut off the switch and therein lies the problem. The stress felt so normal for so long that it tends to give you a warm, fuzzy feeling but the price that you pay for that over-achieving, perfectionist, familiar feeling is a very heavy toll on your system. 

You've basically put a big bulls eye on your back.

And back then I still didn't pay attention.

I pay attention now.

PIERCE THE VEIL

It never fails.

The weather acts up.

The triplets show up.

Did I say triplets?

What happened to the twins?

Lately I've been blessed with triplets. The twins were pain and fatigue but I've added another sister. 

This one is depression. 

It's been difficult to write about "me" lately. I've missed the feeling that I get when I write. That feeling that I've got something to say and the fun of finding the right words to say it. I've always believed that if you're going to write you should be able to push back the veil and be open to "being open."  The beauty of sharing yourself as well as healing yourself, however, there is only so much pain and fatigue that you can take before the other sister shows up. It's not fun trying to smile when you body is in pain. 

Then you stop trying to smile.

I feel like I'm existing until I have a day without pain and fatigue. Hell, I'll even take one of the two. Then when I have a day where I can function, I try to get the things done that I need to do. Or, I try to do things that are even a little bit of fun. 

Fun?

Do I even remember that?

I'm just not having a good time lately. No matter what my circumstances or issue I've always been able to find humor in my life. Humor can keep you going in difficult times. I've always believed that laughter is truly the best medicine. I need to remember that because that particular medicine is a little tough to swallow right now. 

I sound like Mary Poppins. 

I could write a whole novel on my life with Mary Poppins. First, I can practically recite the movie. When my daughter was just a few weeks old the penguin scene caught her eye and from that moment on Mary Poppins was a staple in our home. It would calm and quiet her and I took full advantage of it. She would get fussy and I'd put on the movie and she'd be fine. We watched it until she was two and then she found Winnie the Pooh. Just as an FYI, I can recite that one also. 

But I digress.............again..............

Ever since the deposition I've been in a huge crash. I still have to review it but I can't get through it. I need to look for mistakes but it's difficult to read the irritatingly little print right now. The cognitive issues are rearing their ugly head as well. I know that stress has a lot to do with it but this time it hit me with a vengeance. I have tried meditation and visualization but I just can't seem to get there. Nothing seems to be working correctly and it's frustrating. I just need to find laughter and fun. 

I'm whining again and I know it. When I get tired of all the crapola that goes along with the pain then I know I'm about to turn it around. I need to stop whining about the pain and fatigue and pick myself back up. I think the problem was the deposition. It unleashed a lot of anger about the car accident. The opposing attorney will do anything to discredit me and the fact that his client was racing through an intersection without looking where he was going wasn't even addressed. 

One of these days I'll be able to let it go. 

One of these days I'll have to let it go.

I am just so tired of doing nothing.

I am tired of hurting.

I am tired of being tired.

And I am really tired of not having fun.

I'M IN HOT WATER............NOT!!!!!!

If I have to make a bet 

between me and the world,

right now,

I'll bet on the world.

I don't live life in the fast lane anymore. To be perfectly honest, I don't even live life in the slow lane anymore. Since the onset of the pain of Fibromyalgia the pleasures I used to enjoy have dwindled to just a few.

A hot bath in a jetted tub is one of them.

I find that when I get in the tub of swirling water at night it helps me relax. I take a muscle relaxer and take a good book, my diet coke and I light some aromatherapy candles and try to keep my muscles from going into painful spasms. It's one of those simple pleasures that, for just a few moments when I close my eyes, put me on a beautiful, verdant tropical island far away from the barren wasteland of Fibromyalgia. 

I love that part of the evening. There is one slight problem with a jetted tub and I cannot stress what I am about to tell you enough. Never, and let me say it once again, never put even a little bit of bubble bath in a jetted tub. Then after you've been dumb enough to do that, never lay back and close your eyes and surrender yourself to blissful meditation.  First of all, amazing grace bubble bath in your nostrils is vile. Second of all, it makes a TON of bubbles. It takes forever to get rid of the bubbles.

Anyway.......I digress.

I really looked forward to tonight. I really needed that bath tonight. My muscles are cramping and my hands are really hurting today. 

There will be no bath tonight.

My hot water heater is kaput.

The plumber came out and thank goodness I have a home warranty. As it is they don't cover all of it but it covers most of it. However, they can't do it until tomorrow. Now I get to stress about how much this is going to cost and I need more stress like a hole in my head. 

So, no bubbles. No tropical island. No hot water. No relief. No relaxing. Just stress.

Well, I'll turn on Hell's Kitchen and watch Gordon Ramsay yell at the chefs. That will make me smile! Then America's Got Talent all the while wishing I was in a nice warm bath.

I just had a brilliant idea. I would LOVE a flat screen TV embedded in the wall (with cable) so I could be in the bath and watch TV. 

I'd never get out of the water.

I look good as a prune.