500 POSTS AND COUNTING

500.

I can't believe it.

Thank you.

When I first started blogging it was mainly for me. It was a way to find out what was going on in my body and also as kind of a journal. Writing has always been therapeutic for me so when I got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia I wanted to know as much as I could and keep track of what I learned. Little did I know what "I really do miss myself" and subsequently, "Seeking Equilibrium" would turn out to be. It's a place where I would "meet" some of the most wonderful friends I've had the privilege to have in my life.

Isn't it wild to have friends you've never met face to face?

And yet they are.

I've met CDT's (canine dog therapists) and their humans. I've met wonderful people in New York, North Carolina and Washington State. I've met wonderful people in Canada and England! We've never met face to face but I can assure you that we've met heart to heart. We have different backgrounds but a shared common purpose. We have different challenges that we've faced before in our lives but we have the same challenges that we continue to face. We have different life experiences but we have the same desire to go back to the life we once knew.

I've learned that we are not alone in this fight. 

I have found so many joys in blogging. Not only have I been able to open myself up and write about experiences that are either depressing or embarrassing but I've also been able to open up and ask for help. That, for me, is huge. I enjoy looking for new comments because feedback is wonderful.

You know what's funny? 

You start something for you and then someone comments. 

Then they follow you. 

All of a sudden you realize it hasn't been for you all along. 

What a blessing.

Onward...........''

THANKS AND GIVING

Being thankful.

Attitude of gratitude.

Is it easy?

It's definitely not easy to pull yourself out of yourself and think of all the blessings that you have in your life. Chronic pain makes you withdraw..........it likes it that way. All it wants you to do is focus on your pain. The pain tells you that it's for self-protection and that it's for the best.

The pain lies.

Thanksgiving is a time for friends and family. It's a time for giving and it's a time to be grateful for what we do have and are able to do. No matter how bad we feel...well, it could always be worse. I know that I'm guilty of letting pain shift my focus inward. I mean, let's face it, if the only thing that I'm grateful for is that I'm not a turkey.........well, you get the idea.

I need to stop and think.

Sometimes it's volunteering, or listening. Sometimes it might just be a smile. Gratitude is infectious even for the most cynical. I went to a church service and people were speaking about what they were thankful for this year. I was sitting there half listening and a man took his turn at the microphone and said he was grateful that he had his son for 17 years because his son went home to be with the Lord. I was shaken out of my complacency. I couldn't believe the dignity and grace that this man had in the face of such tragedy. It's hard for me to even write the words. 

I can think of nothing worse.

So, I think I can look at "me" and be grateful. I don't mean that I'm playing Pollyanna or glossing over trials that can be faced in life. I just think we can still find blessings that we have all around us. Instead of my focus being negative (like it usually is) I need to find a way to be more positive. I know that I have to dig down real deep. 

Wait.........this is making me sound like an ungrateful brat. That's not it at all and that's not me at all. I do know that there are others hurting as much and much more than I am. So what to do? It's still difficult to give when you feel like you don't have anything left in you. I have friends that I've met through blogging and they are HURTING. 

It comes down to not only being grateful for what we do have but also giving to someone, ANYONE else. We need to move beyond ourselves. I realize that if I were to go to houses down the block and trade my problems for theirs I might just come to the conclusion that I don't have it so bad after all. 


I may not have a back and neck that are in the greatest condition and I may have an illness that doesn't have a conclusive beginning or end BUT, all in all, I am thankful for my wonderful family and friends. That, in itself, should keep me in an attitude of gratitude. 


I have a wonderful daughter and son-in-law.


That's the icing on the cake.


Cake??


Did someone say cake??


Oh yeah..........I did!!


Time for dessert and for that I am thankful!

LIFE IN THE FAST LANE

I forgot the phrase.

If you play you will pay.

Today, I was reminded of that fact.

I had friends in town this week and I can feel every minute of it. On the one hand, it was wonderful to see friends that I've had for over forty years. Our high school class was rather unique. Even though we've gone our own way through life, a connection still remains. It's an easy camaraderie; and a knowledge that no how many miles separate us or how much times goes by, we can pick up a phone and we'd all be there for each other.


We went to dinner, lunches and on drives.
I'm exhausted.


I can't imagine living life in the fast lane again. As much as I'd like to be able to move at the speed of sound again, it just isn't happening. I felt like I was on overload. We took some pictures and I looked at myself happy and smiling. 


I felt like a fake.


I fell into the usual trap. When asked how I was feeling I just replied, "fine." Nothing could have been farther from the truth. I'd get in the shower and when the water hit me it felt like it was battering my body. I'd get dressed and the clothes hurt. I really tried to put everything aside and concentrate on how wonderful it was to be with them but it just didn't work. After I took one of them to the airport, I drove home and slithered like a boneless mass of jelly into my bed. 


I know that the exercise has helped me but combined with the hectic pace of the last few days, I was toast. 


Why is that?


Could the flare have been caused by the sudden intense stress that I felt when I realized that I forgot my ipad in the rental car?  The stress when I realized we had dropped it off over an hour before I missed it? Or by praying that I didn't get stopped by a police officer when I was driving 90 down the freeway? Or wanting to drop to my knees in gratitude when I found that the car hadn't been moved and the ipad was still in the front seat?


Can you believe I did that? Not only can I not move like I used to I still can't remember crap. I mean that's fine if it is a doctors appointment but when it's an ipad and your whole life is in that little thing.......well, it's not good at all.


So I'm in relaxation mode.


No, that's not correct.


I'm in slug mode.


And that feels pretty good.

THE WINDOWS OF THE SOUL

I truly believe it.
Eyes are the windows of the soul.

There are people that don't look you directly in the eye. Call it vibes if you want but I believe we are given a sense about the people with whom we come in contact. Some people actually make the hair stand up on the back of your neck. On the other end of the spectrum there are those people that we know we can be totally ourselves and curl up in the security of their very being. 

Thank goodness I've met a few of those too.


I've met people that say all sorts of interesting things to you but you can feel it almost physically and know that it's not the truth. Your body reacts and if you listen to it you can learn a great deal about people. We have a sixth sense that we should let come through. Is it a perception of a fleeting expression that we didn't even know we noticed? 


Intuition comes from deep within us. Is it just our brain rapidly going through our internal file cabinet and then reaching a decision based on something or someone in our past that gave us a similar reaction? Do we really have understanding or do we just feel the emotion? 

I've been feeling so isolated lately. I feel like I've just been punched in the stomach and the twins (pain and fatigue) have reacted accordingly. It seems all I do anymore is yawn and sleep. I just can't seem to get it together. It's been a major crash extraordinaire and even as I type this I know I'm going to have to shut everything down and go to sleep.


I thought that if I finished this when I woke up I'd be a little more clear-headed. 
Wrong.
I'm still feeling somewhat muddled.


I'm just so glad that I've got people around me that make me feel, well, like me again. One person I've known for 32 years and I appreciate his quiet strength and friendship so much. He's got his own battles and no matter what happens I would always be there if he needed me and I know that he'd do the same for me. 


We should all have a friend like that.


I just know that people always tell us who they are. They ALWAYS tell us who they are. We just don't choose to listen. We overlook the red flags that are out there and convince ourselves it just couldn't happen to us. Red flags are the symbol to tell us that there is danger. It is the symbol that tells us to stay out of the water. We ignore the red flags because we really want to be in a relationship. We see the flags but we still go into the water not believing that we could drown. No matter what we do we will taste the sand on the ocean floor.


Sometimes we just don't listen.


If we would we could save ourselves from all sorts of problems.


It could simply just save us.

TO TELL THE TRUTH

What is truth?

Well, it all depends on what your definition of "is" is.

So I got this wonderful award and, surprisingly enough, it was difficult to make up five different stories. The truth was wild enough but the lies were tough. Some of the more colorful events of my life needed no enhancement. I had fun........what can I say? 

So I decided to weave a little bit of truth in all of them. 

I was at UCLA and a friend that I knew dated Mark Harmon. My divorce was a bit nasty at first but the billboard .......well, that would NOT have happened. I always wanted to be wonder woman and I did go to a house in Laurel Canyon but it was Stephen Stills that was there, not the group Pink Floyd.

So there it is. The truth is that I was naive enough to believe that tin foil would jam the radar guns. I was also blissfully ignorant of the fact that my license plates said, "Rose." I always thought it was sweet of my Dad to do that for me when all the while he was keeping tabs on me. My girlfriend and I would get into all kinds of trouble because I got to drive all the time. I loved driving and I loved driving fast. 

Thank the good Lord that we didn't do any major damage to ourselves.  

We used to go four wheeling in the desert but I don't think a Mustang was designed to go driving through rocks and tumbleweeds. We would drive through my high school and the lunch area yelling, "curb service!" We loved to drive down the Strip after a rain and splash the tourists by driving through the puddles and laughing hysterically when they got totally drenched! While at school we'd get hungry for tortas and do a run to Tijuana. And, of course, I'd drive. While driving down one of the hills from my dorm room after a rain we started doing donuts. Again, laughing hysterically. We thought we were invincible. I'd would have killed my daughter if I found out she did anything like that.

We just loved to hang out and it didn't matter if we had a place to go. We just loved to drive around.

We had T-shirts that said, "I'm with trouble."

It made no difference who trouble was. We were inseparable.  We'd just laugh and point at each other. Trouble followed both of us and we had the time of our lives. When we got busted our eyes would get as big as dinner plates and we'd look at each other and then at our parents. Sweet little ole us???? 

My theme song was Fun, Fun, Fun by the Beach Boys. One of my dearest friends in high school dedicated that to me. He would always tell me it fit me to a T. However, I didn't have a Thunderbird so it had to be changed a little bit. Instead of "till daddy takes the T-Bird away" it would be changed to mustang. We'd sing that at the top of our lungs and the usual laughter would ensue. I had an 8-track in my car and we'd turn it up full blast and drive off. 

Laughter was a huge part of our lives.

Life was just as it should be.

Fun.

Fun.

Fun. 

FROM A DISTANCE

When I stop to think about it,

I realize that the pain

has made it easier 

for me to be alone.

There comes a point when it's easier to retreat than to move forward. I got so tired of explaining myself and I also got tired of feeling guilty when I did. I got tired of  "the look." You know the one, the one that tries to say "I understand" but the truth shines through and their eyes are saying, "oh no, not this again."

So in accordance with my already trusting nature I keep people at a distance. Well, it really doesn't have that much to do with the pain, unless you count emotional pain. When your personality traits point to the glass half empty it's easy to just keep it going in that direction. I've had the people that should have been by my side turn on me and that betrayal really hurt me. 

Beyond hurt me.

I've always felt more comfortable writing about my feelings. It's so much easier than opening up face to face. I tend to keep the wall up and also I forget everything I want to say. I feel like I can get everything I need to convey across in this medium. Maybe it's because it's more impersonal so it's easier to get personal. 

Does that make any sense??

After I got divorced friends scattered to the winds. A few of them decided to take sides and I never asked them to do that. I didn't feel it was necessary but it seems a division of the camps was in the cards. So more friends bit the dust. My dad always told me if you can count your friends on one hand you're very lucky. I don't expect anything from my friends than I'm willing to give myself. I'm understanding and forgiving. I'll give unconditional loyalty and I expect the same. I don't need to hear from them everyday; they are tucked away securely in my heart. 

Evidently, that is too much to ask for some people.

If you can't say it to my face you better not say it behind my back. With true friends we can agree to disagree. I just really hate fake. Even though those experiences hurt me to the core, maybe it was for the better. No one needs toxic people in their lives especially when you're dealing with chronic pain.  Some of those people really needed to be purged from my life. I think I've always looked at people the way I want them to be instead of who they really are. Maybe the signs have been there all along and I just overlooked them. Maybe I just didn't want to face the fact  that people I loved could have been so hurtful. 

Deliberately.

I've always said that people will show you who they are if you look at them long enough. 

I won't confuse personality and character ever again.

I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS

Forget the whining

Forget the crying

Forget the pain

I am blessed.

This latest flare has been a real doozy and when that happens I just tend to go into hiding. I didn't want to write and that was kind of scary to me. I can't imagine not having this lifeline to my Fibro sisters. The problem was the pain. The pain that is so intense that it consumes you.  All I want to do is put the covers over my head and just stay in bed. 

I don't want to talk to anyone.

I don't want to see anyone.

I don't want anyone to see me.

Yep. 

That is just what I do.

Until I started blogging.

I've got a wonderful bunch of friends that won't let me go into hiding. Isn't that the coolest thing? I mean, how wonderful it is to have people that you've never met face to face care about your well-being? It's hard to find one friend in this world let alone a whole bunch of them. How many people can say they've got a whole bunch of friends that they've never met?  That's what is so wonderful about friendship. You don't have to meet face to face, although it would be nice, but you can meet heart to heart. If there is one thing about Fibromyalgia that I can be thankful for it is for an amazing group of people that has come into my life.

I would bet that most of them write posts about themselves and their pain that BF (before Fibromyalgia) they would never before have divulged to the world at large. There's something about writing that opens your soul and you can pour out all the pain and hurt without fear. What that openness brings is like-minded people that can see you without the walls. I know, as far as I go, that would have never happened before. I'm not a real trusting person and it's amazing to me how much of myself I share with others in my blog. It makes me feel so much better when I open up my blog and find comments from my friends. It is so touching when they make sure that I'm okay. I can't tell you how much it means to me. 

I think that one day we should all go on a cruise. The Fabulous Fibro Cruise! We could all meet and have a few days to kick back and have fun.  I think they should have a huge room filled with comfy beds so we can just hang out and talk without being confined in our room. Wouldn't that be cool?

Anyway, I have to go to the in-laws tomorrow and my plan is to just float in the pool all day.  I can definitely move to do that! I hope you all have a wonderful independence day and please be safe. Thank you so much for all your care and concern and know that I care just as much about you and your well-being.

In my pain I have found my relief.

In my lack I have found abundance.

And it's all because of my friends.

Yep, I get by with a little help from my friends.

ALTERED STATES

Slightly skewed.

Maybe to the right a little bit.

It seems I live

in an altered state.

The one thing chronic pain tends to do is make you a little introspective. It gives you something else to think about besides your pain. 

Well, not really, we just trade thinking about one kind of pain for another. 

I thought my chronic pain would give me a chance to deal with issues and some of the baggage that I've carried around for years. I've even written that I've possessed some sort of clarity of thought in these times. I wanted to write through the depression and maybe, just maybe,  work out and figure out why I do what I do. 

What I didn't realize is that chronic pain doesn't give you a true clarity of vision. It skews your reality toward your pain. I'm not saying that you can't work out issues and problems but, for me, I had an awakening that showed me something a little bit different.

If you ever think you know yourself, just ask your friends to describe you. I tried a game from a post where you describe yourself using 25 adjectives. As I looked at the task last night, I was in a great deal of pain and it seemed almost overwhelming. Even though I wrote what I was feeling at the time, I was surprised when I got comments adding adjectives that seemed upbeat and spirited; totally unlike the dejection I felt when I wrote my list.

As I looked at it today, with the pain lessened to a manageable level, I would have written something a little bit different. Make no mistake; I'm still a cynic and I have a love of sarcasm but the list looked so down. Some of those things wouldn't change but I think I would have written more about a sense of fairness and justice. I would have written about my compassion for strays. I wouldn't have written so much about depression and fear. Those things are still there but today they're not as prevalent as they were yesterday.

I think we all go through the dark and I also don't think that's going to change for me anytime soon. Once pain became a part of my daily life, it stole a part of me. I just don't want it to keep stealing bits and pieces because one day that means it wins. I don't want it to win. There is too much that is light and good to let the pain keep me in a corner in the dark. 


I'm certain that my Type A status and perfection issues are not going to disappear. I'm just as certain that when the pain spikes I'll wear the melancholia cloak like it was tailored just for me. Fibromyalgia puts you on the roller coaster and doesn't let you off. That's just the way it is but thank heaven for the days where you can put things back into perspective.

I also realized, from the comments left for me, that I'm not the empty shell that I sometimes feel like but that there still are some of my finer qualities hidden underneath all that pain and fatigue. Sometimes it's just hard to find it and sometimes I don't want to find it. It's easier to pull the emotional cover over my head and let the pain take over.

That's why it's good to get a reality check from your friends. They keep us grounded and bring us up when we're down. That has been one of the greatest blessings of this blog; the friends that I've met.

Of course, sometimes we join each other down on the floor and just cry, whine, bitch and moan together.

That feels good too.

Isn't it supposed to??

YOU GOTTA HAVE FRIENDS

The good thing is that the pain hasn't been quite as intense as it has been the last few days. The bad thing is that the pain hasn't been quite as intense as it has been the last few days.   

Why is that, you ask? 

Well, when the pain spikes to an unbelievable level and you get even the slightest bit of relief, it's so overwhelming that you want to get down on your knees and accept a level of pain that on any other day would be extremely depressing. When it spikes that high and you thank God that you have gotten any relief at all and then you realize what will be with you always it is a very sobering experience. 

This is why I love the people that have become friends through blogging. They keep me real and grounded. They keep me in the loop and not so isolated. They also keep me in their prayers and I keep them in mine. They understand what I'm feeling and what I'm not feeling. I can pick up the phone because I know they will be there. 

I have to say that in this life of mine I have never put a lot of stock in "girl friends." I've had a close circle of girlfriends that is very small. One of my best friends I met in the 7th grade. There wasn't a lot of women in that circle. For the longest time I found it was a headache to have too many girlfriends. If I didn't call all the time I got grief. Then there was the gossip and all sorts of chit-chat garbage. I found it tiresome. It was easier not to let a lot of people in "the group."

Then something changed.

As I get older I find that women are wonderful. Gone are the politics and envy and what's left are women who are just trying to find their way in this goofy world. We find that we can genuinely enjoy our diverse experiences and opinions. We can agree to disagree. We can be there in joy, triumph, sorrow and accomplishment. The old saying is true. Men can come and go but a girlfriend is forever.

Now with the decreasing energy levels and pain involved with Fibromyalgia a new group of women have entered my circle of friends. These women truly understand but it's more than that. We've reached out in a way that I don't think we would have ever done before. It's a need for acceptance in a world that doesn't accept chronic illness. It's need for understanding in a world that doesn't understand chronic pain. It's the need to vent when no one else can stand to hear one more word about how we feel. It's the need to feel a touch when we can't stand for anyone else to touch us. It's a touch; albeit an invisible one,  but it still warms the heart.

I have found so many joys in blogging. Not only have I been able to open myself up and write about experiences that are either depressing or embarrassing but I've also been able to open up and ask for help. That, for me, is huge. I enjoy looking for new comments. Feedback is wonderful. I wish that everyone who reads my words would say what they think; whether that be a positive or negative opinion. I think all of us have a need for some sort of recognition and this arena is no different. I see all sorts of places and people that read this and I wish they'd let me know how, or if, this blog touches them.

So this is a little thank you to the people that follow me. Lynn-Marie, Michelle and CJ are wonderful women and I thank them so much for everything that they've given. The are truly angels and I want them to know that I appreciate them so much.

So tonight there's been a little relief from the pain. I will still be chugging pain medication this evening but at least it's not unbearable. I'll still need my heating pad so that I will get some warmth in these bones but thanks to some wonderful people in my life my heart is already warm.

WE ARE NOT ALONE

The one silver lining that I can find in the cloud of Fibromyalgia is the people that I've gotten to know that are suffering right along with me. 

We've never met face to face but I can assure you that we've met heart to heart. We have different backgrounds but a shared common purpose. We have different challenges that we've faced before in our lives but we have the same challenges that we continue to face. We have different life experiences but we have the same desire to go back to the life we once knew.

We face chronic pain that has forced us to look inward and still we do not ask, "what have I done?" Now we ask, "what do we do now?" 

We are fortunate because we have a medical community that is coming around to this invisible disease but we still have a long way to go. We are still afraid to open up about the severity and duration of the symptoms that we have. We feel like we sound neurotic to our doctors, to our friends and family and even to ourselves. We wonder if sometimes we are crazy.

We stress about the money that flies out the window. Whatever else may be said, Fibromyalgia isn't cheap. It changes our ability to make any sort of living. It changes the way we look at ourselves. It messes with our head and damages our self worth and self esteem. 

We want so desperately to rejoin the land of the living. The minute we do Fibromyalgia is right there slapping us in the face. This disease loves to let you know that it's lying just below the surface and has the power to rise up and snatch away any happiness that you might have. It will have you shooting pains on a day where you just start to feel wonderful and begin to let your guard down. It tells you that it can give you severe pain and it will never let you forget that it has the power of your life in its icy grip.

We hesitate to open up to anyone and gingerly step one toe in the water. Only when we get acceptance do we venture forward. I think we've become so used to people thinking that this is all in our heads that we don't know who we can trust with the devastation that resides inside of us. We try to keep everything that is going on inside of our bodies deep within us because we don't want to turn away the people that love us the most and we fear that if this continues no one will want to be around us.

What we need to tell each other is that we are truly not alone. If we can help just one person with chronic pain and fatigue then we've accomplished something wonderful. Maybe that is the one blessing that we can count. Whatever else we have in our lives; no matter how challenging and painful, if we can hold out our hands to one other person then we can hold our heads high.

We really aren't alone.

ENGLISH CLASS SO MANY YEARS AGO

I am certain that there are defining moments in life. 


I am also just as certain that we let some of those moments slip back into our memory banks.

Years go by and we sometimes lose touch with those who were such an important part of our lives. What was precious and wonderful still brings a wistful smile to my face and a wish that for just one moment I could be back in English class with a group of guys that were, to me, the best group of guys in the whole world.

We spent times memorizing Hamlet. I can still recite most of my soliloquy. "To be or not to be, that is the question..."  We spent times breaking into uncontrollable laughter.  To one, I was his favorite Jew and the other wrote that I was a very special Rose. To me he was not only my number one Senior boy but my friend. It was three special people that had a bond that lasts until this day. No matter how much time has passed, no matter what has happened in our lives, the moment we re-connected time went away and we were once again the three that could laugh and share a special point in our lives.

It was a high point in my life to learn that one read this blog and that it touched his heart because many years ago he touched mine.