REWIRING THE CIRCUITS

My body is like the computer.

The hard drive isn't functioning.

I've had an interesting time lately. Ever since those fricking epidural shots my body has had a mind of its own. Every coping mechanism that I have used to control the pain hasn't worked. I had become a master of control. I even congratulated myself on that fact.  Even though the pain was ever-present, I had coping mechanisms that I would use to exert some sort of control over my body. Anything and everything would be tried and tested so that the days spent curled up in a fetal position would be minimized. I know that I would always have a level of pain but I thought I could control the levels. Control has always, always been my issue.

And I don't like being out of control.

Stupid me.

I haven't been sleeping real well. I mean, I do sleep but I am in that awful shadow of sleep. The one where you know you're asleep but it feels like you're awake? I know we have sleep issues but lately they're more pronounced. Why is it that all the articles on sleep fail to miss one important issue? If we lay in the dark and have nothing to distract us from the pain we will not drift off into blissful slumber. Instead, we will lay there in torture until we get up and do something else or have something else to help us pass the time.

Lack of sleep equals more pain and I understand that. Why do we have the alpha waves intruding into whatever possible sleep we might be able to get? Is the issue in sleep; not the actual sleep per say, but the ability for the heart rate to slow and the ability to breathe deeply enough to achieve that REM sleep that we need to replenish and restore our body?

There is an imbalance in the autonomic nervous system. 

The autonomic nervous system controls our unconscious bodily functions such as heart rate, breathing etc. There are two subsets: the sympathetic and parasympathetic. The sympathetic nervous system controls the flight or fight. Our bodies don't respond real well to stress and our cortisol levels are usually in overdrive as well. The parasympathetic system controls the quieter bodily systems such as digestion. So if this holds true, the sympathetic system gets us ready for flight and the parasympathetic gets us ready for rest. One or the other predominate inappropriately at inappropriate times.

We are screwed because neither one works.

We can't stop the flight and we can't rest.

Is it any wonder that we have pain?

So I guess when they find the "off" switch for the flight or fight and the "on" switch for the rest part of our brain we'll be fixed.

If they can flip the right switch.

LAY ME DOWN ON A BED OF ROSES

Ow, Ow, Ow.

A bed of roses sounds good right now.

Not what I got.

Ever since I got the epidural injections I've had a difficult time getting a handle on the pain. It not only didn't help the pain but it actually made the symptoms worse. For some reason the pain is just not going away.


Is it the injections or is it a doozy of a Fibromyalgia flare?
I wish I knew.


I'm trying to continue the movement. I know that it helps but, that too, has been a struggle. I go back to the pain management doctor tomorrow and I'm going to address the increase in pain. It's a delicate balance. I've been on the same level of pain medication for 5 years. I've never increased it because I knew that I'd never be out of pain. All I wanted was to take the edge off and bring the pain to a manageable level. Now, for the first time, I'm finding that what has always worked for me doesn't work anymore. 


I know the medication is monitored and very controlled. I'm a little hesitant to ask for a step up in dosage. I'm hesitant on a couple of levels. First, because of the very nature of the medication, I've never wanted to increase it. Second, I'm afraid that the doctor will refuse my request. It's a real complex situation and I'm not sure about it. I truly do need to get a handle on the pain but do I want to increase this medication? 


I don't know.
Maybe this is just temporary.


I'm hoping this is temporary but, this time, it isn't going away. This definitely comes under the heading of creative management. I'm doing the bath thing, aromatherapy, relaxation exercises and biofeedback. It falls under anything and everything that I can do to tolerate agony. It's amazing how intimate the relationship is between pain and depression. Chronic pain is depressing and there's no way around it. It changes your whole life and your outlook on life. It needs to be strictly monitored otherwise you can find yourself immersing yourself in the isolation and depression. 


It can happen in an instant. 


I have to say that it's a lot easier to be alone in the pain. It gets tiring answering all the questions. Even though it is well meant just hearing "do you need anything" or "can I do anything" all the time just seems to get to me. I know that its crazy to think that way but I can't help it. Maybe it's just my personality that likes to keep in control and those questions bring it home that I'm not. All I know is that I'm not in a healthy state right now. 


Does anyone else retreat in the face of pain?  It's a formidable opponent. You can't see how severe it is. It's very difficult to keep a happy face when the levels get up there. Because it isn't visible it's difficult for people to gauge and sometimes it affects how people view our fight. People cannot understand what's happening on the inside because they'll never see it on the outside. It is truly a constant struggle. 


There's time I think I'm winning and then times I think it is.


Did I just say "winning?"


Oh my...........I'm so not Charlie Sheen.


I really do want a bed of roses.............


I'm so much more Bon Jovi.

RELIEF PLEASE

I've tried it all.

The pain is still there.

Erased by pain again.

I know I've made light of a lot of things. I do believe that laughter and humor can go a very long way in helping us cope with a very real and debilitating illness. Sorry, I should have said "syndrome" since Fibromyalgia is not an "illness." Lately, its been tough to reach down and find the humor. My coping mechanisms have been on overdrive lately and trying to find the words has been tough. Usually, I don't have a problem expressing ANYTHING. That's why this latest flare has been so rough.

I still attribute this to the perfect storm of events culminating with my lovely epidural injections. 

I will finally go back to the doctor tomorrow and he'll want to know how I coped. Trust me, I can't wait for this appointment. I will be telling him exactly what I've been feeling..... no thanks to him.

I have done everything. 

I've played by the rules.

I have been consistent. I go to the gym pain or no pain. I still say that exercise has had no effect on the level of pain that I experience on a daily basis. It may help me cope but it doesn't do anything to help the pain levels. Exercise is supposed to help restore the bodies neurochemical balance. It boosts endorphins. It is also supposed to desensitize the bodies reactions to stress. It does help me feel better about myself and it helps my emotional state of being but, again, it does nothing in regards to pain levels. 

More often than not I feel like roadkill when I leave the gym.

I had a friend of mine suggest that the pain might go away if I had a more positive outlook. I just love comments like that. I reminded them that this is not a psychological problem but thanks again for the support.

What is the trigger? 

In my case it was definitely the trauma of the accident that triggered the Fibromyalgia. Genetic predisposition my be a part of this but there is something we are all missing. There are low levels of chemicals that inhibit pain signals such as serotonin and norepinephrine and at the other end of the spectrum there are high levels of chemicals that cause pain signals such as Substance P and glutamate. So what causes the low and high levels?  There is definitely a change in the way the brain processes pain. 

Well, we have trouble with our dopamine levels also.

What triggers the levels?

I wish I knew the answer to that question. 

Oh, by the way, the weather has been all over the place as well.


High humidity and wind.


It just keeps getting better and better......

STILL HURTING AFTER ALL THIS TIME

Ever since the injections,

I've had a very difficult time getting a handle on things.

A very difficult time.

I don't know why these days have been so trying or so difficult. Could it be the aftermath of the move and stress of these last months? Could it be the humidity and temperature fluctuations?  Could it just be one heck of a flare that decided to rear its ugly head? Or could it be from the injections that I was subjected to by the sadist.

Hmm.....so many choices.

Ever since the injections the pain has been horrendous. I'm used to living with a degree of pain everyday. I can even deal with it when it starts to rise but the pain I've been in since the injections is borderline intolerable. It feels like someone is taking jabs at all the joints in my body and hollowing them out with a dull knife, scraping and stabbing along the way.  It tends to be much worse at night. Great. I get through one set of adverse circumstances and jump headlong into another.


I'm curled up in the fetal position praying for it to stop.


I tried going to the gym but I couldn't even walk on the treadmill. Along with the pain I feel like I've got lead weights hanging all over me. So, the gym wasn't part of the equation this morning. The only thing I've done is stay in bed. 


Again.


I was thinking about turning this into a learning experience.


So what have I learned?


Never, EVER, do this again.

HELGA'S HOUSE OF PAIN

I have decided that anyone who sticks needles

in your back, and doesn't put you completely under,

is a sadist.

I was scheduled today for my annual epidural injections from my pain management doctor. Due to changes in my insurance, I had to change doctors and this is the first time that I am having this kind of procedure from this doctor. I'm sure he's competent but I need to put on my happy face and get it over with. Am I Pollyanna? Obviously not, however, I was resigned to getting the epidural injections and I was going to make the best of the situation. I've had them before and they helped for a couple of days and then it was back to the same old routine. The doctors, however,  seem so happy and excited to do them that I didn't want to burst their bubble; so I agreed. I've told them over and over that the injections aren't worth it but they still seem to believe that it will help relieve the back pain. 

Now, if they'd only listen and realize that the back isn't my only problem.....

I'd be home free.

They do seem to forget about the Fibromyalgia. Needles and problems with pain receptors do not have happy endings. I tell them that this is going to hurt more than usual but it's a mental fly-by on their part. Why do doctors do this? 

They just don't get it.

Fibromyalgia has been downgraded thanks to the Lyrica commercial. It's a pesky little fly that can be brushed off your shoulder. I mean, can the pain really be THAT bad? I mean, you don't look THAT bad so you must not be that bad. So, they start the IV and I'm getting relaxed. I figure I'll be out in less than ten seconds.

Nope. Didn't happen.

Then this clown takes this 6 inch needle and tells me I'll feel a little pinch. Is he fricking kidding me? I'm not out??? I nearly came off the table and he's telling me to hold on. Then he hit a nerve and I felt that lovely little electrical current right down my leg to the bottom of my feet. 

At this point my knuckles are turning white from the grip that I had on the table.

He hit the trigger points on my hips and then started on the other side. At this point, tears are streaming down my face. He had this look on his face that spoke volumes. It was a look that bordered between disgust and disdain. It kind of said, "suck it up." I can tell you that I will NOT do this again. 

So, as I'm waiting for the local to wear off,

I once again am waiting for pain.

No worries, I have plenty of movies.

I just wish someone would beat the crap out of "Helga" and then tell me it doesn't hurt.