THE MUSCLE REBELLION OF 2015

Oh, what a beautiful morning!

Oh, what a beautiful day!

I've got a wonderful feeling....

blah, blah, blah....

What a crock.

First of all, I've never been a morning person. Ever. My body just isn't set up that way. When I say that I walk into walls, I mean it.  As long as I can remember I've loved to stay up late, sleep late and  I tend to do my best thinking late in the evening.   However, as I entered the work force I gradually re-adjusted my body clock. My dream schedule would have been actually adding hours to the day because there never seemed to be enough. Yep, I was on hyper-drive. 

Past tense.

About 90% of the people with Fibromyalgia experience muscle stiffness in the morning. The stiffness can occur in your muscles, tendons, ligaments and joints throughout your body. I know that it takes about 15 minutes before my feet can hit the floor, There are times that it's much longer.  My back, hands, arms, legs and feet feel like the Tin Man without his oil can. It takes some time to get body parts moving. Every muscle in my body is screaming and they aren't screaming that they love me. 

The muscle rebellion is in full force.

Actually this doesn't just occur in the morning. If I sit down or have any period of time when I'm not moving, the stiffness and muscle pain hits. Sometimes I can't even walk for a few minutes because of the pain.  I feel like an old woman trying to get up and move. I probably creak too. 

The package just keeps looking better and better.

It's interesting how the pain fluctuates and radiates. The stiffness is bad in the morning and then gradually improves in the afternoon. Then it starts to return in the evening accompanied by muscles spasms. Throw in a little fatigue and insomnia and there you have my day. I spend a lot of time in the jetted tub because the swirling water helps the pain. Some days there isn't a place on my body that doesn't hurt. 

Well, I exaggerate..........maybe my eyebrows don't hurt.

All I seem to do lately is live in management mode. 

And I'm not doing a real good job of it.

Like I said.

Beautiful morning?

What a crock.

THERMAL THERAPY..... OK, TAKE A HOT BATH

Now, I've read it all.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

We're back to mud.

I love going to the spa. It just feels good to get pampered every now and then. If we talk about now, I don't love massage anymore. Touch, especially touch that rearranges tender points, is not a good thing. 

It hurts like hell.

Now it seems that mud-bath therapy and balneotherapy (bath therapy) has hit the scientific pages regarding Fibromyalgia. For two weeks the subjects received "thermal therapy" (OK, a bath or a mud bath) for six days a week. 21 got a mud bath and 20 got a hot bath. Most of the patients reported a reduction in pain.

WELL, OF COURSE THEY DID.

Who hasn't felt better after a hot bath? My daughter has stories galore. Anything that went wrong.....get in the bath. As far as I'm concerned, a hot bath helps everything. You just feel better. I only see an eensie-weensie problem.

I can't live in the bathtub.

My goodness, who gets grants for this????

And, how can I get in on it?

There are studies about moderate drinking helping Fibromyalgia symptoms, now mud baths. Like I've said, if you're half lit of course you're not going to be in as much pain. There is the obligatory disclaimer about not drinking with certain medications, thank goodness. The same premise applies here. Who wouldn't feel better after a mud bath or a hot bath?

I find that when I get in the tub of swirling water at night it helps me relax. I take a muscle relaxer and take a good book, my diet coke and I light some aromatherapy candles and try to keep my muscles from going into painful spasms. It's one of those simple pleasures that, for just a few moments when I close my eyes, put me on a beautiful, verdant tropical island far away from the barren wasteland of Fibromyalgia. 

I love that part of the evening. There is one slight problem with a jetted tub and I cannot stress what I am about to tell you enough. Never, and let me say it once again, never put even a little bit of bubble bath in a jetted tub. Then after you've been dumb enough to do that, never lay back and close your eyes and surrender yourself to blissful meditation.  First of all, Philosophy's Amazing Grace bubble bath in your nostrils is vile. Second of all, it makes a TON of bubbles. It takes forever to get rid of the bubbles and the serenity of the bath will be replaced by the irritation of cleaning up bubbles.

OK, any followers that are doctors?? I have a wonderful idea for a study. We need to take 50 women who have Fibromyalgia. I'll leave the weeding out the candidates to the doctors. The control group will have a yummy, moist, chocolate filled, chocolate cake and the placebo group will receive edamame. The trick is to have each group watch each other eat. Then we report which group felt better after eating. (note: we do not weigh the control group after the study.) Let's name it "the chocolate cake hypothesis."

I think that would qualify as a scientific study.

When does common sense get into scientific publications?

Will insurance cover spa visits?

I do have so say one thing.

In some respects, I do like this study......

THE MEDICATION CONUNDRUM

I was looking through papers. 

One in particular stood out. 

It was the flyer about medication. 

I've been looking at the medications that are currently used for the treatment of Fibromyalgia. Pain relievers, muscle relaxants, antidepressants and even anti-epileptic drugs. The approved drugs like Lyrica have side effects that can be serious.

So what are some of those medications?

I tried Lyrica and I still haven't lost all the weight I gained when I took that stuff. Not only do I hate the commercials but Lyrica made me squirrely. I gained weight (a lot), wondered if life was worth it and I couldn't trust my own mind. Even if it promised to take the pain away forever, I still wouldn't take it ever again. 

See, I will aways believe that Fibromyalgia has sub-groups. I have pain but not depression. I still feel that if depression accompanies the pain then Cymbalta or Savella may help and work for people in this group. It doesn't help me AT ALL. 

I have pain and terrible muscle spasms. I always say I'd take a baseball bat to my legs and beat the crap out of them because it would feel better than those stupid spasms. I take Zanaflex (tizanidine) and it does help. It helps normalize the amount of Substance P in the spinal fluid. Substance P is a neurotransmitter and it has been found that people with Fibromyalgia have an excess of Substance P in the spinal fluid. For me, it helps.

Back to the flyer.

It states that Zanaflex is ranked in the "poor" category.

I'll get back to that.

In the "excellent" category is Cymbalta, Lyrica, Savella and, funnily enough, Hydrocodone. Again, if you have pain and depression it's quite possible that these medications will help. The thing about hydrocodone, in my humble opinion, is that it isn't good for the long term. It is  usually combined with acetaminophen and there is a possibility of liver damage with long term use. The drugs in the excellent category in the flyer have weight gain as a side effect. I don't know about anyone else but pain is difficult enough to deal with.....

Weight gain?

Let's just add a tiara.

While I think the flyer gives good information about the approved medications that are used for Fibromyalgia, I think it's a mistake to rank them. The problem with Fibromyalgia is that this is a crap shoot. No one really knows what is going to work for whom. While a low dose opioid and tizanidine work for me to manage the symptoms, it may not work for someone else. 

Medications are tricky. They are to be used with caution. We have been made to believe that popping a pill will be magic. The pharmaceutical companies are big business and the side effects of the medications that we take are wide and varied. When I hear the disclaimers I think that the illness is almost better than what we have to take to manage it. Plus, they always talk REAL fast when they hit the real icky side effects. 

I think that sometimes we're being sold an illusion. They really don't know what these drugs can do. Is it possible, years from now, we will be told that these drugs are really not safe? I think there is a place for everything and we need a strategy that encompasses a pharma-exercise-alternative-behavioral-nutritional strategy. 

Let's face it, until they figure out what causes our pain perception and reception to go haywire......well then.......

We are where we are.

It the middle of the stream.

Reaching for any paddle that can get us to shore.

SEROTONIN SYNDROME - THE POISON APPLE

Things are not always as they seem.

The first appearance can deceive many.

A friend of mine disappeared from view for awhile. I was concerned but I understood. Chronic pain makes it very easy to hide. You want to curl up and pull the mantle of pain very close to you; like an old comfy sweater pulled tight. Sometimes it's such an effort to interact. It pulls the plug on whatever energy you have left. Plus, when pain is a constant, it's easier to be alone.

We have a hard time putting this on anyone else. Geez, we don't even like ourselves at this point.

On top of the issues with chronic pain she brought to light a little issue called serotonin poisoning. I'd never heard about it and started researching it. All I can say is, "oh my goodness!" I can't believe what I found and the more I read, the more scared I became.

What scares me the most is that it could happen to any of us.

First of all serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps regulate many of the functions of the body. Research is showing that people with Fibromyalgia may have low levels of serotonin. Low levels of this neurotransmitter could include: fatigue, sleep problems, headaches, irritability, depression, mood issues, muscle cramps, emotional or behavioral outbursts and bowel and bladder problems. Some illnesses improve when you raise the serotonin levels. Then there is the other end of the spectrum: high levels, and it isn't good.  In fact, it can be fatal.

Part of the problem is that there are pills for everything and we get a lot of them prescribed to us. Compound that with over the counter medications and alternative medicine supplements. There are the antidepressants, the opiates, stimulants, herbs and even something as simple as cough medicine containing dextromethorphan. 


Serotonin poisoning or Serotonin Syndrome can occur in patients that have taken a combination of medications that increase these levels. We tend to forget that supplements can interact with our medications. We take supplements and herbal solutions and don't think twice about it. I know I'll try just about anything to feel better. We need to tell the pharmacist exactly what we're taking and make sure there aren't any problems. There is a website as well where you can list our medications and it will tell you of potential risks. It's called Medscape. Just click on the word "Medscape" and it will link you to the site.


Symptoms of serotonin poisoning are increased heart rate, shivering, sweating, dilated pupils, myoclonus (muscle tremors or twitching), high blood pressure, fever and this can progress to high fever above 106, seizures, renal failure, coma and, in rare cases, death.


If you're on antidepressants, please......please......please be careful and monitor all your medications carefully.


Watch everything. For example, a combination of antidepressant medication, an opioid for pain, taking a stimulant like phentermine and then going to Whole Foods and picking up some Yohimbe or St. Johns Wort can put you at risk for something like this. The problem can come alone in high doses or like the example of taking a combination of medications.


Just be careful.


We have enough issues that we have to deal with.


We don't need any more of them.


All these medications may seem like a pretty apple that will give us what we desire,


but it can be a carefully crafted, dangerous illusion.

DAZED AND CONFUSED

I really do believe that you can

 weather any storm.

Unless you're standing

knee deep in a conductor.

If the picture elicits a confused response then it has done what it was intended to do. I am confused. 

And tired. 

And sore.

And it keeps getting worse.

The muscle spasms at night have been horrible. Around nine I can feel the old familiar tightening and I know they're going to start soon. I hate to take the muscle relaxers but I have no choice unless I want to endure the pain. I've tried the bath and it will help while I'm in there but after I get out they just start all over again.

Let me back up just a bit. 

I'm packing up a home that I've lived in for seventeen years. I have more crapola than I know what to do with. Some of it, well, I've just tossed and some I've given to goodwill. That still leaves me with stuff that my daughter doesn't want and stuff that I'm just not ready to toss. I don't know why I'm still holding on to things that I haven't used in years. I found that I have 15 sets of sheets and blankets that I haven't seen in years. 

It was like Christmas all over again.

But I digress.

There is a reason that moving is one of the most stressful things that you can experience. When you add fibromyalgia to the mix you are in for one doozy of a time. I pack a box and then find that ten more are needed. Just when I think I've made a dent in this venture, I find out that I'm not even close. Maybe I should just close my eyes and throw it all in a box and hope for the best when I get to my new home. Really, I wish I could do that.

I'm just not made that way.

I'm too organized for my own good.


I need to go through every last item and get rid of the stuff that I never use. Again, I have things that I haven't used in at least 15 years. Why do I persist in saving it?  For instance, my mother had tea cups and figurines from her mother. It wasn't anything valuable but they had sentimental value to my mother. I never met the original owner and these things were hidden away in the hutch in the dining room. Now that I'm really looking at these things my only thought is that they don't mean anything to me. The memories that my mother held are long gone. My daughter doesn't want these things and neither do I. Why then is it so difficult to toss them? Memories are stored in our hearts not in nameless figurines and sets of dishes. There are things that are a part of our tradition and those things will remain but the other things definitely need to go.


Good, I'm glad I talked myself into it.

So, now let me continue. 
Does the word rain, cold and cloudy mean anything to you?


I'm totally in move mode.


Moving and hurting don't go together.


But, for now, they have to.


One step at a time.


One baby step at a time.


I keep saying that but it still hasn't worked.


Crapola........ (that's not intended for the stuff in my house)

RAINY DAYS AND MONDAYS ALWAYS GET ME DOWN

I just can't seem to catch a break.

It's raining again.

Ow.

I feel like my whole life is on hold again. I just don't want to do anything when the pain level is going past voodoo. On a scale from one to ten, I just blew past 11. For some reason the last few days have been REAL BAD. I'll bet they can hear the howl on the other side of the valley.

I had to run out to Williams Sonoma (yeah, tough errand) and I got some cooking clay for chicken. My daughter and I have fond memories of this clay pot that I'd make dinner in and now she can play with clay herself. I didn't want to go out at all. I dropped it off at her house, smiling like I didn't have a care in the world, and came home and got into bed.

And I didn't leave it.

I'm feeling fragmented and raw again. There's something about pain that puts me right back into feeling "not good enough." I tried walking on the treadmill but after stopping every two to three minutes, I just gave up. The problem is that I set a goal for myself. I'm typical Type A squared and it feels like I'm falling short of the high standards that I set for myself. I'm so self-critical and I'm tired of having impossibly high standards that I fail to reach.

Why am I doing this to myself again?

I'm starting to go into think mode and that's a dangerous place for me to be. I analyze, over analyze, over analyze it again, beat it into the ground, bury it, resurrect it and then start the process all over again. 

See?

I even drive myself crazy.

What is it about pain that starts the regression? Is it the pain or the realization that it will always be with me? Last night about 3 o'clock I was awake and praying that I could find a baseball bat to take to my legs and praying that the roller coaster would stop and I could get off. I can't describe this sensation except that it's like a spring tightening until it almost breaks and then it lets go. The trouble is that it keeps doing that over and over again. That doesn't even count what my hands are doing. 

I've used the essential oils, been in the jetted tub, I've rubbed Topricin on my legs, I've taken the pain medication and muscle relaxers.........zip, nada, zilch.

I think I'm just tired.

And there are pretty puffy clouds forecast for the next few days.

I keep looking around for the license number of that truck that hit me again.

Ow......

Ow..........

Ow........

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

What an ordeal.

It's still humid.

I still hurt.

I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just can't even believe how bad and intense the pain has been this time around. This reminds me of when I first got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. The pain blew past voodoo and settled firmly into OMG-MAKE IT STOP!

The pain was staggering.

I've spent the last few days between muscle relaxers and pain medication. I've continued to walk even though it's taken oxycodone to do it. I became reclusive and silent again, simply because the pain took precedence.


Lately it has hurt to move, it hurts to get out of bed, it hurts to put your feet on the floor, it hurts to stand up, it hurts to sit down, it hurts to lie down, it hurts to walk, it hurts to type, it hurts to move your hands and it even hurts to think.

So now what to do?

It's still humid and the pain level has come down slightly. It was at 9 and right about now I'd say it's about a 7 and a half. I never thought I'd be grateful for the pain level but I am grateful for every little tick downward. 

There are more thunderstorms forecast so I'm on high alert. The humidity is notorious for wreaking havoc on my system and it's hovering around 70%. The storms have been very strong and there could be more of the same for tonight.

You know what they say.

When you can see the light at the end of the tunnel....

It's probably the train coming at you.............

Full speed.

NOT A HAPPY CAMPER

It's amazing.

Murphy's law is in full force and effect.

Since the wedding I've been unwinding and relaxing. I've been on overdrive emotionally and it's taken it's toll. It was a wonderful day and it's an unbelievable feeling to see your kids so happy and starting their married lives together.

Until.

I saw some of the wedding pictures.

I looked like a fat, stuffed sausage. Now, I know my daughter will look at me with that, "you do not" look but I feel like I looked so icky. So, now I'm back at the gym trying to walk and doing what I can to lose some of this weight. It just doesn't want to come off easily. I just have to figure out how to do this because I can't take the way I look any longer. The pictures took care of that!

Next.

Then it's been a little challenging with the pain. My hands have been really bothering me and the pain hasn't subsided. At night the muscle spasms have also been working overtime. I've been taking my time walking and taking my supplements. Hopefully it will help. I've tried to keep a good mental attitude but I can't seem to shake this snarky persona.

Then.

I woke up the other day and brushed my teeth and my crown cracked. Does it get any better than that? It's not bad enough that I look like a stuffed sausage let's add snaggletooth to the mix. So I go to the dentist and get the lovely needle full of Novocaine. Does anyone else have trouble after they go to the dentist? Plus, the temporary crown isn't the prettiest. Needless to say the flare has increased in intensity due to the trip to the dentist.

I've tried many times to sit in front of the monitor and start to write but I couldn't find the words. Today isn't much better but I feel guilty neglecting my blog. 

I'm tired.

My brain is fried.

I'm frustrated.

Nothing seems to be working right now.

I CAN FEEL IT

It started out as a twinge.

I went to the gym today to walk a little bit. First, it gets me out of the house and, second, I do need the exercise. 

If you don't move it you lose it.

So, I'm at the gym and I feel the old familiar twinge in my hands and it started to really hurt when I walked around the track. Great. I know what's coming and it isn't good. 

But I kept going anyway.

I knew I'd regret it.

I'm beginning to feel that I'm being sucked into this huge vortex. I've started the pain medication and I'm not going to be stubborn about it. I'll then take the muscle relaxers before bed. I can tell right now it's going to be a doozy of a night. I know the medication will not help me sleep and I should check and see what movies will be on cable. I'm going to need a few of them.

I don't understand why the pain strikes my hands and feet first. After that the old familiar body aches start building. I ran into an old friend the other day who reminded me to accept the pain and then move on. I can't seem to be able to wrap my head around that concept. To me, acceptance means defeat and I don't give up that easily. Then again, he's never gotten up in the morning in severe pain.

Could the pain have something to do with the new supplements I'm taking? 

My daughter got me started on the powder supplement called "Alive." I mix it with banana and almond milk and make a smoothie out of it. I've never been much of a breakfast person but she told me it would help with my energy levels. I figure it can't hurt me so I'm in. Actually I drink it after my morning coffee and diet coke. I need all the help I can get so I start the morning out with a good hit of caffeine. Then, I drink the smoothie. I guess I'll never really know how much it helps because of the caffeine but it's worth a try. It's better than slugging down a handful of vitamins in the morning. I know the diet coke isn't the best breakfast but there are things that I can give up and then there are the things I can't.

Caffeine is one of them.

I don't care what form it's in but it better be there.

Then the fog rolls in.

The fog is an other worldly experience in itself. I find myself searching for the right word or trying to remember why I just walked into the room. I have an iPhone and I put everything in the calendar. When I say everything I mean everything! I put events, appointments and even dinner with my daughter. I put that I need to go to the store and what to buy. If I don't I won't remember anything.

The problem is that I don't remember to check the calendar.

I keep trying to find the person inside. I can go out but all I want to do is go home and get into bed. When it spikes I just want to hide from the world. I hate the fact that this limits me so much. I hate the way I look right now and I hate the way that I feel. I hate the pain and I hate the fatigue. I hate the body aches.

I guess I don't like much right now.

Wrong..........

Right about now I'm liking my bed very much.

JAGGED LITTLE PILL

Pills.

Supplements.

This is what I feel I'm made of.

Just one more.

Maybe the next one will do the trick.

I feel like all I do is take pills. When I wake up in the morning I take pills and when I go to sleep at night I take pills. It doesn't matter that they are all prescribed or supplements. It's just more pills than I can handle.

Where do I start? Well, let's start with the thyroid medication in the morning. Before the car accident I went to the neurologist because my hands were cold and tingling. The neurologist wanted me to get an MRI to rule out neurological problems that could cause those symptoms. It turns out that it was my thyroid. And I was hypothyroid with a vengeance. I thought that once I started the medication I'd lose weight. It didn't matter to me in the slightest that the tingling and coldness in my hands went away. All I cared was the weight that I couldn't seem to lose would come off once I started the medication. Maybe I'm naive but if the weight stays because your thyroid is off balance it stands to reason, at least in my mind, that once it's regulated the weight would come off. I still don't get it.

After that, the supplements are taken en-mass. The alphabet vitamins. The A,B,C,D and E.,  DHEA, CoQ10, multi-vitamins are gulped down with a protein drink. Every morning I look at those and just wonder if I can swallow them again. Pain medication is taken so the stiffness and pain that comes in the morning can be tolerated. You know what's funny? I have been asked why the strength of the pain medication that I've been taking for years is the same. That is a really easy question for me to answer. I've always been afraid of the amount of medication that I'd have to take to get rid of the pain.  I don't want to be zonked out and a zombie. It's just not a good place to be so I've resisted upping the strength of the pain medication. It's a double edged sword.  It's almost implying that if I'm on the same strength the pain must be the same and that's not it at all. It's fear plain and simple. Well, let's keep going on.............

Then comes the morning coffee. Or some semblance thereof. My coffee is mostly vanilla powder and sweet and low mixed with a little bit of coffee. My daughter shudders when she watches me make my "coffee." 

Do the supplements work? I don't notice any difference but, funnily enough, I am a little afraid to stop taking them. After all of the pill taking I massage Topricin in my hands and feet. Believe it or not, this is what it takes to get moving in the morning. 


If you haven't tried Topricin you should. It's a homeopathic cream for pain. I got it a Whole Foods but you can also buy it online. I've included the link so just click on the name and you can read all about it. Topricin recently received a patent for the treatment of Fibromyalgia pain. It's an amazing product and it really seems to help.


By the time the evening arrives it's time for the last round of medication. The evening includes magnesium, pain medication and muscle relaxers. I try to get through the day without loading up on the muscle relaxers but that depends on the severity of the muscle spasms. Then I start the ritual for sleep. This involves lavender aromatherapy and pillow spray. Lavender vanilla cream is massaged into my arms and then I take Mid Nites. They are melatonin melt away pills that help me relax and drift off into sleep. 


Well, do they really?  


I still have a problem sleeping. I can sleep for a few hours and then I'm up. Where I could fall asleep at the drop of a hat before.......well, there are a lot of things that I used to do BEFORE.....


Before what you ask?


Before Fibromyalgia.
Before the car accident.
Just before. B-4??


Bingo.

WHERE'S THE SANDMAN?

It's 3.
And I can't sleep.
Kind of reminds me of Passover.

Why, you ask? The Passover Seder is a feast that commemorates the Israelites liberation from Egypt. There is a part of the Seder ceremony that is traditionally given to the youngest child and it's when four questions are asked. I'll write them phonetically in English because the Hebrew version is a little tough to read. One of the questions is: Ma-nish-ta-naw-hi-li-la-hazeh-me-kohl-ha-lay-lot?

Translation. 

Why is this night different from all other nights?

That's usually my standard reply for an event that repeats itself. 

Most of the time I'll fall asleep for a little while and then I'll wake up and this is just one of those nights. It isn't because of the weather; today was just, well, beautiful. It was the kind of day when spring fever sets in. Mild and a slight breeze in the air. It was one of those days where you could be lazy and fall asleep in a hammock in the back yard. You could lay down in the grass and stare up at the clouds and try to guess their shapes.

This is one of those nights that back pain and muscle spasms are making it impossible to sleep. I just can't find a comfortable position for any length of time.

As wonderful as the day was I could tell that the night was going to be interesting. I knelt down,  placed Mr. H's food on the floor and I got a nice jolt of pain. The kind of pain that slaps you suddenly and then in case you didn't get it the first time, sends another jolt down your legs just for good measure.

So, here I am eyes kind of open. 

Mr. H is on his back snoring loudly. 

Well, at least one of us can sleep.

Thank goodness there is a Criminal Minds marathon on television. 

Just another sleepy time movie for me........

I'M READY FOR MONDAY

I have a deposition on Monday.

Need I say more?

I'm surrounded by the twins. Pain and fatigue.  This latest storm isn't real good for my body. I've been in a lot of pain and the muscle spasms have been a real joy to live with. Usually it helps to spend a lot of time in the bath. 

The good thing is that I've read a lot of books. 

The bad thing is I'm a prune.

The ugly thing is that it hasn't helped.

Usually the swirling water helps my muscles. I get quiet and down to relaxation level but this time has been different. I just can't seem to get relaxed. Maybe it's because I've got a deposition on Monday. I'm not worried but I am stressed. I just know I'm going to be asked how this accident has affected my life. 

I don't think there is enough time to tell that story.

My dog "H" is on the bed beside me. Fortunately, he's a slug like me. I just want to do something besides focusing on pain. I want to walk outdoors and enjoy the rain and cool weather. I actually tried that this morning but crawling around the neighborhood looks suspicious. Plus, I don't like the idea of concrete burns on my knees. So, I came back inside the house. H wasn't happy because he was looking forward to being out in the front yard and networking with his puppy buddies down the street but he decided to stretch out and sleep the rest of the day.  

I'm tired of watching television and reading books. I want to interact with people again. I miss working and I miss sales. There is a high that goes with the territory and I miss it. Plus, I miss making a living. Sitting around and collecting Social Security isn't my idea of having a good time. I've been angry about this for so long. Now I get to be deposed and the question of how this affects my life has been nagging at me all day.

It's affected me physically. 

I'm in pain on a daily basis. Granted, some days are a little better than others but there isn't a day that goes by where pain doesn't accompany me. I look at my life before the accident and I had a lot of fun. Did my back hurt? Yep. Did I still wear 4 inch heels? Yeperoo.  That was then and this is now.

It affected me emotionally.

It's a different mindset that you have when you're working. Your days off and vacation days are precious. You use them to unwind and regroup and often wish you could just stop the rat race and make it permanent. Then when the unthinkable happens you realize that it isn't a good thing at all. I need to keep my mind active and I want nothing more to be in a sales office again. Then I realize what it entails and I know I can't do it. You have to re-invent yourself and that sucks. Big time.

It's affected me financially.

A friend of mine once said to me. "It's not how much money you have, it's how quickly you can replace it." Truer words were never spoken. Savings are a good thing but it only takes one illness or one accident to wipe it out. Money doesn't buy happiness but it sure makes your life a lot more convenient. Of the two ways to live one is a lot more fun.

So on Monday I get to be deposed and express myself, hopefully, without hostility. I am angry about this accident and I have to let that go. Well, at least in front of the other attorney.  I'm using the next couple of days to unwind and regroup. Post traumatic Fibromyalgia can be argued so it's back to the pain.

I can do this.

I know I can.

I'm just going to hope the bruises aren't too big from my attorney kicking me under the table when I get out of line.