CHOCOHOLIC HEAVEN

I need a sugar fix.

Right now.

It looks good.

It tastes good.

It feels good.

If I get stressed I want chocolate. I don't care what form it's in either. Right now I'm a little stressed and I've been good for so long. I figure it's time for a snack.  Also, I'm not a chocolate snob. I'll eat Hershey Kisses (actually I like the ones with the cherry cordial centers) as well as Godiva and Ethel M's. You would think a quart of chocolate Haagen Daz ice cream would be pure nirvana but when it comes to ice cream I lean toward the vanilla. Literally.

Lately it seems that chocolate can do everything.  Lowering cholesterol and blood pressure, prevents cancer, it enhances memory and alertness and prevents heart disease. It seems that chocolate can fix anything that's wrong with you. At this point, it is noteworthy to add that research on some of these claims was funded by Mars (as in the candy bar). There have also been studies that claim chocoholics live longer than people who don't indulge. This sounds good to me!

Here's to a very long life!

Some of the benefits of chocolate come from resveratrol, an immune booster, which is also found in red wine. So far this is sounding better and better. One of the main benefits is that it releases endorphins and boosts seratonin levels in the brain. Seratonin promotes positive feelings and fends off depression.

So after convincing myself how good this is for me I think I'll give in to the emo eating urge and go for it. The problem is that I'd rather have milk chocolate than dark but maybe I can control the urge by eating just a little of the dark chocolate. 

Didn't Hershey make dark chocolate kisses? Oh.........peppermint patties and Mounds. Oh yeah, snickers just came out with a dark chocolate candy bar. Let's see........what else? Dove dark chocolate candy bars and dark chocolate m&m's. 

There's hope for me yet.

CAPABLE OF WHAT?

What are my capabilities?

I get to find out because I've got a test coming up that will measure just that. I was told where to go and then I asked about the test. They told me to wear loose clothing because I would be.....get this.......sitting for extended periods of time, the same for standing, stooping, bending, crawling and that the test would last approximately 3 to 4 hours depending how long I would need to rest. Well, if that's the case the test should last a couple of weeks! How many boxes of Kleenex's will I need because it sounds like I will be crying all the way through the test.

I know that it will take me through the physical demands of the workplace but what about the things that are impossible to be measured? Things like stress, variables like weather or symptoms that plague people with Fibromyalgia that appear and disappear at will with an intensity level that can go from zero to OH-MY-GOD in a matter of minutes. These things cannot be measured in testing that lasts a few hours. Also, what happens after the testing is complete is also not taken into account. I may have a good day and do relatively well on the test and then completely fall apart the next day. The testing doesn't monitor your abilities over a period of time. It's a single snapshot of a particular point in time and, to me, that is inadequate.

Plus, I took a look at the extended forecast. I understand that weather can change but right now the extended forecast calls for rain on the day I'm scheduled for the test. If anything can make me laugh, that did it. I should just be in fine shape if the humidity is off the charts and it's raining. Can you imagine me doing all of this with a pain level of 8 or above? It makes me shudder just to think about it.

I'm sure this will be the first of many tests that will decide my future. It is enough to have the pressure of an income level that has been cut by more than three quarters now I have to think about this. I do have a tendency to over-think things and I'm sure this subject will be no different. I have already started the process which includes analyzing, over-analyzing, beating it into the ground, killing and burying it and then finally resurrecting it and being analyzing it all over again. 

The problem is that I don't like limitations. Never have. I don't care whether it's been limitations on mental challenges, food or speed limits. It makes no difference to me. If you tell me I can't do it I would give my last dime to prove you wrong. Notice, however, physical limitations are not on that list. I used to believe that my body would never attack me. I could use it and push it and there was never a problem. That was before. After all of this??  I will push my body only so far. Pain is not gain as far as I'm concerned. To me, pain is a way of your body telling you that you need to STOP. I know my body well and I tend to listen to it. If I continue to push beyond a certain point my body has never failed me. It slams me against a wall and says, "I told you to stop now you have no choice but to LISTEN TO ME!"  I have no desire to learn that particular lesson over again.  It's a difficult thing to reconcile........hating limitations but knowing that you do have them at this point in your life. I still don't like them.

Great. Just one more thing to keep me up at night........

THE MASK

I think the secret is to know who you are underneath the mask. 

Pain tends to cloud that knowledge. I know that before I got in the accident that was never an issue. Strong, confident, strong-willed and a woman who never knuckled under to ANYONE or ANYTHING. Sometimes my choices were not the best; I'll admit that. There are things that I wish I'd never done or said; I'll admit that too. Whatever my decisions were they were done and I learned and moved forward. I had a love of love and of life and an assurance that the path that I was on was right for me.

There were not many masks. I'll say many because I didn't let too many people in. I did have self protective walls up and only a select few got to see beyond those walls. Most of the time, however, it was "what you see is what you get." No fear of stating my opinion and an assurance that more often than not, I was right. There was the personal woman and then there was the professional woman. The personal woman had issues; the professional woman was secure in her work ethic, knowledge and drive.

Then came the "event". As events go it wasn't a live or die situation but what it did was change my life. Along with the accident came a different sort of pain that really did a number on me. I had no idea that this would be the event that tripped the domino and left everything spinning out of control. On top of it all I get questioned about my ability to function in my profession. I hate that. I really dislike people who seem to imply that I'm faking it. Well, maybe not totally faking it but, come on, it's not that bad.  I don't like feeling this way and today I'm particularly pissed off about it. I loved what I used to do and today I'm missing it. I'm getting stir crazy but I know that I can't do what is required in a sales office and I'm very angry at this illness. 

The other thing that this did (and I know I've written this a lot) is mess with my head. There are days that I don't know who I am and I look hard to find the woman that I described above. Sometimes I find her and sometimes I don't. I keep looking because I don't want her to disappear and pain can do that to you. 

I'm a natural cynic who has unyielding faith. Weird, isn't it?  I have an absolute faith in the tenet that God has never left me or forsaken me, no matter what my personal circumstance. Whatever I'm going through right now will take me to a different level; not only in my life but my faith. I've never faulted God for my personal circumstance.

On the other hand when I hear that suffering builds character all I want to say is that I've got enough character. 

So here I am. I'm in kind of a pissy mood because of everything and however weird it sounds I've got the faith that it will all work out in the end. 

Does that sound strange?

TO SLEEP PERCHANCE TO DREAM

There seemed to be something in the air.

Today just seemed to be the day that I could have slept all day long. Last night I didn't sleep much at all. It seemed like every hour I was turning and awake. I was exhausted. I talked to my daughter and she was tired too. The problem is that I see a lot of the same symptoms in her that I have. At least she has an appointment to see the doctor and get a jump on this before it gets out of hand.

The sleep deprivation does so much damage to daily life. I used to be able to fall asleep at the drop of a hat but most importantly, I could stay asleep. Even during the most stressful periods of my life sleep problems were non-existent. Sleep was the time where I could forget the days worries and problems and sink into blissful slumber.  What I'd give for days like that again! 


Medications, even the natural ones, don't seem to give me the deep sleep that I need. I do think that the natural sleep aid called Midnites, which is melatonin, seems to help me fall asleep. They dissolve quickly and taste pretty good. I also use aromatherapy for sleep; well, I'll try anything at this point.


Staying asleep is a whole other problem. It's the alpha wave intrusion that plagues me. The disrupted sleep leads to the fatigue and a whole host of other symptoms. At a time when we should be in deep rest the awake brain waves (alpha waves) intrude and the deep REM sleep is gone. 


What is prescribed as behavioral modifications for the treatment of insomnia doesn't seem to me to be particularly helpful to someone with Fibromyalgia. I understand what the intent is but for me it just wouldn't work. Actually, it would make it worse. For example, let's just take no TV, phone or computer while lying in bed. Ok, let me think about this. If I'm in a great deal of pain and I'm in bed that means I have nothing to distract me. All I will do is be in bed and have nothing to think about but the pain. Nope, that won't work. 


Let's try maintaining a regular sleep schedule and waking at the same time no matter what amount of sleep you've gotten during the night. Well, this one will increase the sleep debt considerably. I can maintain a sleep schedule all I want. All this will do will insure that my eyes will be open at 3 or 4 in the morning but no matter what I will get up at 8 in the morning. Oh, also one of the other prescribed treatments is not to nap during the day. With the amount of sleep deprivation that I already have let's increase it by forcing myself to stay awake when there just might be a possibility that I can get some quality sleep. 


Now for the exercise. I'll agree that people with Fibromyalgia need to exercise. Too much and we're down for the count. Not enough exercise and we're down for the count. There's a fine balance and you need to know your body so that you don't go into the overdo it - then pay for it cycle. It doesn't seem to have any influence on how much sleep I'll be able to get during the night. 


Maintaining a ritual before bed seems easy. It's nice and it feels good but it doesn't make any difference in my sleep quality. 


If these recommendations worked I'd follow them. I'd not only follow them I'd shout it from the rooftops but what we have goes beyond simple behavioral modifications. Our body chemistry is totally screwed up and it will take more than maintaining rituals to fix it.


So today has been a day of fatigue and the ever present fog. I'm still not sleeping and the pain level is about a 6.........


and this has been one of the better days.......

TO BE SICK YOU HAVE TO LOOK SICK

I don't understand why I have to look sick to be sick. I've tried really hard to keep the pain that I feel on a daily basis from appearing in my eyes or my smile. I still like to pretend that I don't have a care in the world. When I put on makeup I look fine. Is that a problem? 

Maybe I should go to the doctor looking like something the cat just dragged in the house. Maybe I shouldn't suck it up and whine and cry instead of putting on  my big girl panties. Maybe I should just crawl in the door and act the way I feel instead of the way I want to feel. Just because I sound fine or I look fine doesn't mean that I'm not in pain or exhausted from a lack of refreshing sleep. The problem is that what I have is variable. Symptoms change from hour to hour or sometimes minute to minute and then to top it all off they vary in intensity.


I get it. A lot of doctors don't want to deal with this because they can't cure it. They can't throw a couple of prescriptions at you and then say, "call me in the morning." You look fine! Get some exercise and you'll feel better. I hate to tell them that IT'S NOT WORKING!

Fibromyalgia is sneaky. You can feel fairly good one day and crash the next. I've spent the better part of this year in pain. I have had a couple of days where the pain levels diminished along with the humidity and now the humidity seems to be rising again. I would just like a week where I don't feel like I've taken up residence in a physicians office or they're not on my speed dial.


Today? Today I am SO tired. I can't seem to keep my eyes open. I've forced myself to get out of bed but when I sit down I want to put my head on the end table and just go to sleep. My muscles ache and I just can seem to get it together. My body hurts so much that I wish I could knock myself out and just sleep it off. The muscle spasms are starting early today and I want to put the covers over my head.

This is why my best friends are now my heating pad and spa tub. Heat seems to help the pain in my back and the swirling water helps the muscle spasms.

Geez, that sounds so pathetic, even to me.

THE SWEATER QUEEN

My cousin got me into a whole lot of trouble. 

I was 17 years old and it was summer vacation! I was feeling a little restless so what to do.........what to do????? My cousin called and said we could get a job at Sweater Queen. Oh boy! I thought to myself, "this could be kind of cool." Wow, a job! I could make some money and with the money I got from my dad shopping would be a lot of fun.

Now, Sweater Queen was a little boutique shop on Fremont Street in downtown Las Vegas that, of course, sold sweaters. It was owned by a couple named Sonny and Kitty Rapue. They ran a tight little business and they gave us a job as a favor to our parents. They probably talk about that experience to this day.

Ok, so we're supposed to be at work at 9:00 in the morning. That sounded fine until I actually had to do it. As I recall, my girlfriend and I went out the night before cruised Fremont and stayed out late. That was probably my second mistake. The first mistake? Saying I 'd work there in the first place. My dad tried....he really did. He asked me why I wanted to do this and I remember saying I wanted to work so I wouldn't have to ask him for money all the time. He just patted my hand and said, "I love you, honey." I kissed him on the cheek and skipped off to my room, turned on the stereo and got on the phone with my girlfriend. 

The alarm went off at 6:00. Time to wake up...............oh, no! My first thought was if I should call my cousin and tell her to see if we could start the following day. All of a sudden the magnitude of this decision was hitting me. I was not looking forward to this but I had to be strong so I picked up my cousin and we went to breakfast. I mean, we had to eat SOMETHING before we went to work and I knew I'd feel better with something in my stomach. 

You know, the first day on the job it isn't wise to show up late. We cruised in about 9:15. No prob. We had to find a place to park and we ran a little late. No big deal. 

Right?

Wrong.

I have to say that Sonny was a very nice man. He very gently reminded us that this was a favor to our parents and we needed to be responsible. Kitty was not so kind. It was obvious she didn't like this arrangement and set out to make this the day from hell. It was only fair that we returned the favor. 


We were shown how to fold the sweaters and sort them by size and color. We had fun with that except we messed them up and tipped over a huge display. We fell over in hysterics and we threw a few sweaters at each other. We were the keystone cops let loose in their sweater store. We got the look, the lecture and finally the scream.  She must have seen the disinterested look on my face so she put my cousin on the cash register and sent me marching right to the back of the store to unpack stock and steam the sweaters. 


AND SHE DIDN'T LEAVE MY SIDE.


This was NOT what I thought this job would be like. I thought we'd get to see some cool sweaters, talk to people, hang out and get paid for it. This was manual labor and the steamer messed up my makeup and frizzed my hair. It was also really hot in that back room. I didn't like it at all and I really didn't like her. I asked if I could turn the air conditioner down because I was too hot.  That was a huge mistake. She gave me a nasty look and told me to get back to work.  After I'd done a few sweaters I casually asked her when we could take lunch. Geez, you'd have thought I'd cut her legs off. I was just trying to find something to make the day go a little bit faster. I don't think she got my sense of humor.


Needless to say the job didn't last for the summer. It didn't even last for the week. That was fine with me. I forgot that I didn't want to ask my dad for money and decided that I would much rather sleep in and enjoy the summer rather than spend it steaming sweaters. 


I don't think they missed me at all. 

CAN WE BE CURED?

Did you know that Fibromyalgia can be cured? 

I didn't either.

Did you know that there are secrets about Fibromyalgia that the government doesn't want you to know? What's odd about the article is that in all the little hints they give you not one of them point to government duplicity regarding a cure.

Don't get me wrong. I have definite opinions and beliefs about government's involvement in many things but hiding a cure for Fibromyalgia isn't one of them. A huge number of the medical community doesn't even believe that this is a real disease so how do you cure something that a lot of doctors don't believe in?

Fibromyalgia can also be cured by removing amalgam fillings and avoiding vaccines. It can also be cured by diet. If you exclude eggs, peas, dairy, whey, bean sprouts, all beans, broccoli, cauliflower, lentils, bok choy, cabbage, kale, asparagus, leeks, rutabagas, onions, garlic, shallots, papaya, any dried fruit, coffee, bananas, avocados, honeydew melons, meat, poultry and fish. Whew! Is there ANYTHING left that you can eat?

For greatly reduced prices you can download reports and buy e-books that will promise you relief and a cure. Use natural home remedies or super magnesium and feel better. The use of diet and massage (well, I'm ALL in for that one) to relieve the symptoms. Probiotics and your toxic liver and colon being cleansed can cure Fibromyalgia and you can do this for just 29.95! There is also the Whitcomb Method where you submit to the manipulation of your neck three times a day, 5 days a week for at least two months. I don't think I even want to know what that treatment will cost!

Acai berry juice, acupuncture, Eniva Vibe can cure.  Breast implants and low self esteem can cause it. Fluoridated water!

Is your head spinning yet?

Probably one of the most interesting books for the cure out there is the "Secret Cure For...." books by Pat Harper. This fictional author's picture is actually clip art.  If you do pop the 17.00 for this pamphlet theres the fine print that says you will be charged month after month until you cancel. That seems to be the sticking point. It's almost impossible to find the company let alone contact them. I have to hand it to "Pat Harper, M.D." She's an expert not only on Fibromyalgia but hypothyroidism, cholesterol, acne, anxiety, athlete's foot, back pain, boils, bursitis, candida, Chronic Fatigue, cold sores, colon ailments, Eczema, Crohn's Disease, Gout, Genital Warts, Gout, HPV, hair loss, head lice, hepatitis, hemorrhoids, hepatitis, infertility, kidney stones, lupus, nail fungus, panic attacks, restless leg syndrome, psoriasis and snoring!  An EXPERT, I'm impressed.....

I'm not saying that diet and nutrition won't help. I truly believe it will help not only Fibromyalgia but your general health and well being. I don't think that the chemicals in processed foods are good to put in your body. I'd much rather eat butter than to ever put margarine in my mouth. I don't know if it's one molecule away from plastic but I still don't want it. The effects from chemicals, pesticides and the  hormones that they feed cattle are still an unknown. All I know is that plastics and microwaves, processed foods and chemicals cannot be good for you. I'm not a fanatic and I enjoy junk food and sugar just as much as anyone else but at least I'm aware of what I'm doing. I think there choices out there to make and we should try to make them as healthy and chemical free as possible.

There are people out there who are made to take advantage of the misery of others. The sharks in the water can smell the blood and they're out there circling. I don't know .......what helps one person may not help another. Any information that we can give each other can only help. What I'm against are the people that will give you the secret for ONLY 29.95. BUT WAIT......ORDER NOW AND WE'LL DOUBLE THE OFFER!

Tell me.

Why are all these natural cures something that no one wants you to know?

PAIN, PAIN GO AWAY

Finally! 

A day without outrageous humidity. There was a slight breeze, sunshine and warm,moderate temperatures. It felt so good to turn my face to the sun. It's been a real long time since I've been able to feel the warmth. 

Pain is a constant in my life and I'm fine with that. What I'm not fine with is the fetal position, crying and pain-medications-don't-really-work-but-just-kind-of-take-the-edge-off kind of pain. The pain that I've been in for that last few months. 

Almost every day.

Brings you to your knees kind of pain.

Constant.

There is a truism in all of this. You can't appreciate good days without experiencing the bad ones. It's true, I never realized how grateful I could be for a day like today until the excruciating pain stopped. I'm not naive. I'm not going to believe that this flare is behind me. There are too many symptoms associated with this illness; symptoms that appear without warning out of the blue. I'm also aware that the daily stress I experience can also exacerbate every single one of them.

It's interesting that people think we have a low tolerance for pain. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I can tolerate pain and I tolerate it on a daily basis. The levels make all the difference but the pain is never truly gone. Not to pat myself on the back but it takes a strong person to tolerate the deep down severe aches and pains on a daily basis. Most of the people I've talked to feel the same way. We're not wimps. So it comes down to the difference between pain tolerance and pain thresholds. I have a very low pain threshold but my tolerance is very high. 

Pain tolerance is about the levels of pain that a person can take before breaking down physically or emotionally. 

Pain threshold is the point that the stimulus is perceived as pain. 

What this has also done is set me upon a path of self awareness. There are things maybe I knew and just didn't want to acknowledge and maybe there were issues that I just really didn't know I had but I do know some of those proverbial cans of worms I wish I'd never opened. Pain is pain whether it's emotional or physical and I know this is all about management. I've never been good at the emotional part and it's a daily struggle. There are so many things about myself that I never realized until  I encountered the pain associated with Fibromyalgia.  It gives you time to think about yourself and how you got to this point in your life. Some of it's fun, some of it isn't. Maybe I just had a severe flare and maybe I'm just getting introspective in my old age. 

When you get up in pain and go to sleep in pain it messes with your head. It robs you of your joy and it tries to rob you of your life. It permeates your whole being and wants to engulf you in it's darkness. It likes to remind you that at any given moment it has the capacity to steal your happiness and once again plunge you into the depths of despair. You can't afford to relax and let your guard down because it will try to take you by surprise. Pain will try anything. If it can't beat you physically it will try to beat you emotionally. It's power is to surround you and isolate from your friends and family you so that you have no choice but to live in it's world. It's real easy to take that step.

No one likes pain. I don't like it either but out of the two, I'll take the physical pain. It's tangible and concrete. Emotional pain is subjective and sneaky and I've tried real hard my whole life to keep it at bay. There are too many issues and I'm not in the mood to tackle all of them.  I'm much more comfortable with the physical pain; if that makes any sense. I know there are still things I need to deal with and, truthfully; right now,  I'd just rather keep a lid on it. 

WAKING IN PAIN

43% Humidity

Another day of waking in pain.                                                       

Even though the weather seems better as far as the sunshine factor goes, the humidity is still out of control. 

It's having your eyes open at 3 in the morning because you're waking up every hour and you look at the clock knowing what you will face in the morning.

It's opening your eyes slowly and turning your head just slightly so you can get your pain medication before your body realizes your awake.

It's feeling the pain spring tightening in your body and trying to move fast enough to get coffee and get back in bed so you can cry in peace.

It's looking for anything to divert your attention from the prospect of facing the day in pain. 

It's watching my legs spasm and jump and wishing the I didn't have to take muscle relaxers for them to stop.

It's knowing that I need not to stress over the previous days events because that stress will only make this day worse.

It's hoping that I'll be able to attend my niece's 50th birthday party tonight with a real smile on my face and not a smile that hides what I'm really feeling.

It's knowing that if I even want to attempt this I'll need to rest all day today and that isn't a possibility.

It's hoping beyond hope.

It's looking around for the baseball bat to put me out of my misery.

FROM THE MIDWEST TO THE WEST

I grew up in Omaha, Nebraska. It was a wonderful place for a child to remain a child and grow up with typical mid-western "values". I get emails that detail a time past where we could disappear and go outside and play, ride bikes up and down the street, where you went out and found friends and if you got hurt at a neighbor's house you didn't sue them for all they were worth. It sounds hokey but that was truly my upbringing. 

My brother's took me down the street and I think I was about 5ish? anyway, I had to see the cat in the window. Being my graceful self I tripped and hit the wrought iron chair and tore my lip and nose apart. 

Screaming, crying and blood everywhere. 

Thank goodness there was a doctor that lived close by.  I still have the scar for that little adventure. Then there was the infamous potato chip bowl fiasco. I was carrying a glass bowl filled with potato chips into the family room. Of course, I tripped and went face first into the bowl. 

Screaming, crying and blood everywhere.

From what I hear I wanted to be taken to a mirror so I could "see me bleed." No one was sure if the glass had gotten in my eyes and it was chaos everywhere. They ran and got the doctor from across the street and he stitched me up right there on the table. 

My dad owned a drive-in restaurant in Omaha, Nebraska. It was called Tiner's which was a combination of the two partners names; Fred "Tiny" Barnes and Einer Abramson, my father. They also had a restaurant in Council Bluffs, Iowa. It was the "in" place for teens to cruise but all I remember out of the deal was the best curly-q fries that I've ever tasted.  I actually think that started my quest for the perfect french fry. I still love them and can scarf them down waaay  before I get them home. Actually an extra large can be wolfed down in 1 minute or less. There were also Basket Burgers and Chicken Treats. I even remember the phone number.....556-4664. Weird, the things we remember, isn't it?  When I meet people from Omaha in my age group they all remember with fondness Tiner's Drive In. Quite a few of them worked there but all of them cruised there.  

My family moved to Las Vegas in 1963. The move was hard. This was all I'd ever known. My friends were there and I was moving to a place where I didn't know anyone and I hated it. I was in junior high and everything was changing. To top it off I was starting after the beginning of the school year so I was very visible. Being visible wasn't comfortable for a girl who wanted to be invisible. What a difference between Omaha and Las Vegas! The girls were wearing nylons and shaved their legs! Wow!  I was still in bobby sox and loafers. I wore socks and they got to wear nylons? They shaved their legs??? They shaved above the knee????  Needless to say, I didn't look cool on my first day of school and, boy, did I have a fight with my mother over that one! 

Fortunately, the girl who wanted to be invisible met another girl who was also trying to fade into the background. She was 6 feet tall and fading didn't come easy. To her, she was this big, huge log and to me she was statuesque and beautiful. To me, I was a short little thing with chipmunk cheeks and to her I was a cute little imp. We blended perfectly. For many years we didn't know that we secretly wanted to be the other. We were two injured souls that were drawn to each other and limped through the body image years together. Some things don't change, we still hate the way we look. We've become more accepting but we still have issues. Thank goodness, I met her. We were more than friends; we were sisters and kindred souls.

To get around my mother, who was ADAMANT that I wasn't going to shave my legs until I was 16, my best friend gave me a shaver for a birthday present. We thought we were so slick. No one had though of that one and, of course, our parents wouldn't guess what we'd done. Yeah, right. It takes becoming a parent to see right through that one. Anyway, it wouldn't be right that I didn't use it after they bought it for me. Finally after my friends mother talked with my mother she finally gave in and allowed me to shave my legs. One caveat however; not above the knee. Oh, come on, can you see no hair on the bottom part of your legs and black hair starting at your knee upward? 

Well, let me tell you that shaver slipped more than I can tell you! Hey, not my fault that I slipped and I would have to even it up so it didn't look ridiculous. That worked once and then after that it was a fight. We fought with each other like crazy through my junior high and high school years. I was a tad strong willed and I figured it was going to be my way. My parents, however, had other ideas. I'll have to give it to them. I had no idea how much they had to put up with until I had my own daughter who was just as strong willed as I.

I will tell you this; the curse works. Remember when they tell you, "Wait until you have children. I hope you have one just like you?"

 I did. 

MY FORMER LIFE

37%

37 Fricking Percent.

It just never stops, does it?

Right now Fibromyalgia has been classified as a neurosensory disorder characterized, in part, by abnormalities in the central nervous system pain processing center. The central nervous system (CNS) consisting of the  brain and spinal cord, are easily injured by accidents or stress. Studies show that people with trauma are 13% more likely to develop Fibromyalgia. Also stress, whether it is from emotional, physical or chemical means, is a cause of this disease.

Trauma and Fibromyalgia.

Fibromyalgia stemming from cervical or any kind of trauma is still very controversial in the medical community. One of my doctors doesn't believe it; one of them does believe that trauma from my auto accident is the cause. I truly believe the trauma from the accident that I had tipped the scale in Fibromyalgia's favor. I was so different 2 years ago. I wanted to move around and through any back pain that I had. I wore heels; high ones. I swore I'd never leave them behind. I loved to laugh and be with friends and family. I would have bad days but not many. The good days were in abundance. Speaking of abundance, even in this economy I was financially sound. I can unequivocally proclaim that this accident definitely did something to me. 

The humidity and the subsequent pain that it brings gets me a little moody and introspective. When I start to think about how different my life is today I then go from slightly moody to really pissed off. When doctors tell me the Fibro isn't caused by the accident then I want to know why I changed. I'm not a weak sister. I've tried to fight this all the way. I even tried going back to what I normally do only to fall in bed in pain after a day at work. I'd wake up in the morning and get ready to go and almost cry. Sitting on my fanny or curled up in bed in pain isn't my idea of a good time. I don't like to be around a lot of people that know me because they see the difference in me and I hate the pity. 

Attention seekers.

I know that some people revel in the fact that they are chronically ill. It gives them the attention they crave. If they didn't find it in illness they would find it in something else. There is not a  question in my mind. I do not think that most people fall into this category but the few that do taint it for everyone else. The problem is a two-edged sword. If you lay in bed because you hurt, you're a drama queen over-exaggerating your condition. If you get up and try to fight it then you're able to do something and it's not a disabling condition. It seems that you just can't win.

So, as I'm waiting for all these people to make their determinations regarding the severity of my condition and the causes of my illness I am writing. I'm writing to make a difference for myself and anyone else who is suffering as well. It isn't easy watching your life go down the toilet and be at the mercy of all these outside influences. Patience was never a virtue that I possessed. If it was able to be grabbed I wanted it NOW. 

Life Sentence not Death Sentence.

Yes, this isn't an illness that will disappear after a round of antibiotics. This will be with me for the rest of my life. Being in jail handcuffed and bound is so tough to take. There will be limitations on my body and my psyche. There are days that I deal with it well and there are days that I don't. I think that I have to go through the process of grieving for the life that I once had. I can't worry about the loss and I have to be able to dig deep down and not be bitter about it.  I have to find something to do and I realize it isn't going to be what I once loved. What I used to do is too physically and emotionally taxing for me to handle at this point in my life. It was a life of stress squared, so I'm gradually learning how to leave it behind and search for another creative outlet.

Is this it?

I'm not sure but I love it.

Now I just have to figure out how to make money from it.

Ah, yes..........the sordid topic of coin.

TRIP THE FIRST DOMINO

The humidity is still between 55 and 65%. I'm so sick of writing and whining about the weather. I wish it would change but I can't do anything about it. I'd love to wave a magic wand and change the weather to something more tolerable. While I'm at it I'd love to wave that wand over my whole life. Well, not my WHOLE life....just the health and financial section of it. Right now, that part really sucks.

I met with an attorney for my long term disability today. I finally felt some sort of validation. For the first time I didn't have to explain myself. To my amazement, he explained me to me. He understood and offered a glimmer of hope.  I wasn't sure I wanted to go the attorney route but fighting insurance companies takes everything out of you. I finally got to the point where I felt that I could relinquish control because of the simple fact that they are competent. In a city where there are flakes galore I found a firm that understands Fibromyalgia, insurance companies and the steps that need to be taken to finalize this mess. So now I have to be patient and wait this out. I guess I've waited this long so what's a few more months or six.

So now it's time to trip the domino. First to deal with the disability and then the car accident that seemed to start this fiasco. You see, that is one of the things that impressed me about the attorney I saw today. He didn't look surprised about the car accident. That lovely little car accident that took away my controlled little life and sent it spiraling into the chaotic world of doctors, attorney's, tests and pain management. They didn't seem surprised by that at all. To top it off, they gave me all the information on the support group for Fibromyalgia in Las Vegas. Tomorrow, I start trying to make contact with them. I can get involved and get the support that is needed with this illness.

So here I am getting on this roller coaster ride again. The ride that is thrilling but also makes you want to throw up. As long as I can see the light at the end of the tunnel I can bear getting back on this ride. I'm tired of keeping volumes of paperwork that includes all of my medical files. Oh, that's the other thing. I brought in one of my binders and he looked at me and said, "oh, another Type A personality with Fibromyalgia. I'll bet you've been this way all of your life, haven't you?" 

Bingo.

WHAT MORE CAN I SAY?

69% to 78%

The humidity is out of control.

What more needs to be said?

MORE OF THE SAME

35% to 61%

This is what the humidity will be doing tonight between 8 o'clock and 3 a.m. It will be rising. This is NOT a good sign. Definitely not a good sign and I can feel it. It's not a good feeling either.

What would be a good sign? How about...................

This would be a good sign. I think temperatures that hover around 85 with very little humidity would be perfect. I must be in dream land because I live in Las Vegas and we may get one or two days a year that fit that description. It just doesn't happen. We have cool, cold, humid, spring and then hotter than hell. 


As the humidity rises again my body is hurting and it's time to get in the fetal position and whine. Time to start the ceremony of the pain medication and pray it works quick. Humidity just drains the life out of me.


Crap.


I keep saying this. Will this fricking humidity ever stop? It's on the rise and this is about all my body and hands can deal with right now. If I feel better later I'll start again but for now. I keep saying fibromyalgia and humidity DO NOT MIX. Would chocolate make me feel better right now? I can barely hear myself say these words in regards to chocolate, but no it wouldn't. That's bad.


It starts like this:

and ends like this:

Ow.


Ow.


Ow.


Ow Squared.

FINDING BALANCE

Finding a balance.

I haven't got much to report today. I moved and stretched to no avail. I know that my innate inertia doesn't help but light exercise is still intolerable to me. After moving around and even going on a job interview I came home and wanted to cry. I still hurt. How in heavens name am I going to work on a daily basis if a simple interview makes me want to crawl under the covers?

I know that management is so important. I'm still unclear, however, how to put a smile on my face when the pain is spiraling out of control. The dull ache that is now a part of my daily life has my patience level on a very short rope. It's not that my anger at this illness manifests itself on the outside. It's just that I find it hard to find my joy when I hurt.

I know it could be so much worse. I've said it before and I'll say it again. My pain is nothing compared to the pain of cancer or the pain of the loss of a loved one. It can be a lot worse. I do appreciate my life and even though circumstances are very difficult right now, I still hang on to "it could be a lot worse."

I just need to find a balance. I need to get this flare under some sort of control so I can deal with life in general. It truly is a management thing. I know I will get this past my head and into my heart. I'm not sure when that will happen but I know I will realize this. I think the humidity has been around for so long that I haven't had a chance to feel good for an extended period of time. The length of time in constant pain has taken it's toll.  I do know that I need to learn how to find joy in the midst of all of this. Fibromyalgia is a life sentence but it's not a death sentence.

Have I lost my marbles?

It's learning to live with a limited amount of marbles in the jar. If I have a jar filled with 100 marbles and every chore, every act and every stressful emotion takes marbles out of the jar then I will be more conscious of what I do and how I feel. I won't have any marbles left if I waste them all on things that cause me to be under stress or upset. If I want my emotional needs met then I need to be aware of my reserves. There are the things that I must do but managing my life's physical and emotional needs takes discipline. I need to make my list and stick to it.

Maybe it's denial. Maybe I really need to take it to heart that this is a chronic illness and it won't go away. I can't make it stop. I've tried to hang on to my life before all of this hit me. I haven't wanted to admit that. Like I said before, it's easy to get this through my head but I need to get this into my heart. A big part of me doesn't want to face that. 

Maybe I have lost my marbles.

A BRAND NEW DAY

36%

As far as the numbers go, it is a little bit better. 

Not much but every little bit helps.  

Or rather, it should help.

But it doesn't.

I'm watching the news and the weather report seems to be more of the same. We get a few days of decent weather and now the weatherman states there are more storms heading our way. Great, just a another few days of shooting and stabbing pains and the dull ache that envelopes your whole body.

Geez, I can't even whine convincingly anymore. I've resigned myself to the fact that if I want to laugh and smile I will be doing so while being wrapped in a blanket of pain. If I want to walk and move around, which I will do, I will be in pain. Whatever I do right now managing this flare is my first priority. It's the widespread muscle pain that has been flaring up for so long. I am severely impacted by humidity and it just seems that it's been much higher than normal this year. 

So what do I do? I forced myself out today. I know I need to do this! So what happens? I come home a few hours later and fall apart. I just feel so stupid. 

So I will try again  tomorrow. I'm taking my medication so I can get a few hours sleep. I'm not even going to try to watch  a movie. Maybe 

As always I'm looking to tomorrow hoping for pain relief.

To a better day....................