ERASED BY PAIN

It's been a bad week. Ever since I went to the dentist I've been in hurting mode.  I've spent my evenings in the jetted tub trying to get my mind off the pain. Trust me, it hasn't worked. Even now, as I type this I don't know if I can finish what I'm trying to write.

I feel like I'm being erased by pain. I'm taking the medication and muscle relaxers as directed so I'm sleeping during the day; more so than usual. My muscles are cramping and sore and my body feels so stiff. It almost hurts to walk. 

So I don't.

I'm in bed trying to feel even a little bit better.

I feel very sorry for myself right now.

I understand what people mean about confinement. I am trying to do everything in my power to keep my mind active and busy but, right now, at this point it isn't working. I've watched movie after movie to keep me entertained but it's not working. The bad thing is that I haven't wanted to post about my pain and whining. 

I really want to write something uplifting and upbeat that could be somewhat inspirational; but I can't. I would love to write how I've managed to overcome the pain and fatigue; but I can't. I want to say that I just ignored it and went about my day; but I can't. I feel boxed in and confined and I would love to break free; but I can't.

My day is being defined by how I feel and I don't feel good.

I want to say I can.

But I can't.

EVERYTHING HURTS

Did I mention that I didn't like dentists?

I did, didn't I?

It was confirmed again today.

My appointment was for 2:30 and I arrived at 2:15 to check in. The room was buzzing because a woman from Chicago also lost a filling and she was in pain. 

Really? 

Imagine that.

We started off with x-rays and it progressed from there. She inserted the dreaded instruments of torture and started in on me again.

I WAS THERE FOR 3 HOURS.

Excuse me, I was there for 3 hours and 15 minutes. By the time I crawled out of the office I could barely close my mouth. All I wanted to do is get home. I can't even tell you how bad it was but she had to do the Novocaine thing twice.  After one session I went for an x-ray ( two of four) and at that point I still wasn't too bad, then I sat back down in the chair.

YOWZA.

It seemed that the Novocaine had worn off and when she put the instrument up in the canal, I could feel it. 

I could really, really feel it.

And it hurt.

My face felt like it was on fire.

So I was back in needle city for the second round. Needless to say, I was calling her every name I could think of by the time this was over. Calling her every name in my mind, of course.  When I got up to leave she casually mentioned that I should begin taking pain medication before the numbness wore off. 

I got the message loud and clear. 

So tonight my best friends have been my pain medication and ice packs. 

We be buds.

THIRD RATE ROMANCE, ROOT CANAL RENDEZVOUS

I am dreading this appointment.

Need I say more?

But, of course, I will.

I've already made it abundantly clear that I do not like going to the dentist. I meant that. Today, I've got the second appointment for the root canal on the other side. 

That means more Novocaine shots which will make my face and a chipmunks look identical. There will be more instruments of torture drilling holes in my tooth. Not only will my face look swollen for a couple of days but it will also hurt like holy hell. 

It may sound weird but ever since this root canal crapola started I've had a huge flare. Is it the stress of the dentist? Maybe that does have something to do with it but if that were the case the simple relaxation techniques would work. 

This doesn't take relaxation.

This takes drugs.

Oh. I forgot something. Because I feel so icky from all this work I need to get moving.....hmmmm...right about now. Why?

Because it will take me that long to get moving and dressed. I think I'll sit in the shower for an hour and then crawl to the vanity to put on makeup that will just get rubbed off anyway.

I think if you're going to the torture chamber it's important to wear red lipstick. That way, if it's going to be all over my face it might as well be all over them too. Plus, it just makes me feel a little more festive.

Important for today, don't you think?

ALTERED STATES

Slightly skewed.

Maybe to the right a little bit.

It seems I live

in an altered state.

The one thing chronic pain tends to do is make you a little introspective. It gives you something else to think about besides your pain. 

Well, not really, we just trade thinking about one kind of pain for another. 

I thought my chronic pain would give me a chance to deal with issues and some of the baggage that I've carried around for years. I've even written that I've possessed some sort of clarity of thought in these times. I wanted to write through the depression and maybe, just maybe,  work out and figure out why I do what I do. 

What I didn't realize is that chronic pain doesn't give you a true clarity of vision. It skews your reality toward your pain. I'm not saying that you can't work out issues and problems but, for me, I had an awakening that showed me something a little bit different.

If you ever think you know yourself, just ask your friends to describe you. I tried a game from a post where you describe yourself using 25 adjectives. As I looked at the task last night, I was in a great deal of pain and it seemed almost overwhelming. Even though I wrote what I was feeling at the time, I was surprised when I got comments adding adjectives that seemed upbeat and spirited; totally unlike the dejection I felt when I wrote my list.

As I looked at it today, with the pain lessened to a manageable level, I would have written something a little bit different. Make no mistake; I'm still a cynic and I have a love of sarcasm but the list looked so down. Some of those things wouldn't change but I think I would have written more about a sense of fairness and justice. I would have written about my compassion for strays. I wouldn't have written so much about depression and fear. Those things are still there but today they're not as prevalent as they were yesterday.

I think we all go through the dark and I also don't think that's going to change for me anytime soon. Once pain became a part of my daily life, it stole a part of me. I just don't want it to keep stealing bits and pieces because one day that means it wins. I don't want it to win. There is too much that is light and good to let the pain keep me in a corner in the dark. 


I'm certain that my Type A status and perfection issues are not going to disappear. I'm just as certain that when the pain spikes I'll wear the melancholia cloak like it was tailored just for me. Fibromyalgia puts you on the roller coaster and doesn't let you off. That's just the way it is but thank heaven for the days where you can put things back into perspective.

I also realized, from the comments left for me, that I'm not the empty shell that I sometimes feel like but that there still are some of my finer qualities hidden underneath all that pain and fatigue. Sometimes it's just hard to find it and sometimes I don't want to find it. It's easier to pull the emotional cover over my head and let the pain take over.

That's why it's good to get a reality check from your friends. They keep us grounded and bring us up when we're down. That has been one of the greatest blessings of this blog; the friends that I've met.

Of course, sometimes we join each other down on the floor and just cry, whine, bitch and moan together.

That feels good too.

Isn't it supposed to??

WHO AM I

25 Adjectives

To Describe Myself

At this Moment

Annie,  at  It's Time To Get Over How Fragile You Are , had a game on her blog today. As above, it's 25 adjectives to describe yourself at this moment. I thought, "cool game, I'll do it." Then I started to think about what I would say and I was, how you say, disheartened.

How do you describe yourself when your attitude is in the toilet because you feel horrible. Then I started thinking, do I want everyone to know who I really feel about myself?

Well, here I go.

Exhausted

Determined

Stubborn

Foggy

Reserved

Resigned

Confused

Loyal

Fragile

Strong

Intelligent

Computer Addict

Observant

Cynical

Spiritual

Introspective

Worried

Sarcastic

Funny

Recluse

Caring

Disheartened

Pained

Tired

Scared

Well, there I am. I think. You know what is amazing? I don't even know how to describe myself anymore. It changes from day to day, hour to hour and sometimes minute to minute. 

Right now, I don't know who I am or what I want. 

No, that's not true.

I want to be me again. 

A MINDLESS LUMP

My muscles have been really twitchy lately.

 And I'm so tired.

And I hurt.

Real bad.

I think this dentist business has really taken it's toll on me. At least I don't have to go back until Friday. I don't think I can take much more of that place. It hurts too much for too long. I'm exhausted and all I want to do is sleep. This doesn't work because when I finally fall asleep and I move; even a little bit, I wake up and then it's impossible to go back to sleep. 

I feel like I've been drained, de-boned and I'm this jellied mass. I'm too tired to rub my aching muscles. I'm actually too tired to rub Ben Gay on them. I want to get up to get something to drink but I'm too exhausted to move. Not good.

Now I've got some pain in my jaw going up to my ear. Is that part of this too? Now, I've got this sound in my right ear that sounds like static. It is off and on and slightly annoying. It's just one more thing that seems to be going wrong with my body. 

The typing is almost more than I can take. I'm even too tired to get in the tub. Even if I could get in the tub, I'm too afraid that I couldn't get out of the tub. It's been years since I've been this tired. It feels like Chronic Fatigue in high gear. I hate this thief who is slowly stealing my life. It's already stolen my career; what else does it want?

I'm laying in bed with the laptop which is where I write most of these posts. I'm staring at the monitor like some mindless lump because I'm too tired to think. I'd like to cry but I'm too sore and much to tired to even do that. If none of this makes sense please realize that I'm too tired to even have words make sense.

Doesn't this sound fun? 

Don't you wish you were me?

Me either.

THANKS, DAD.

Father's Day

It's a tough day for me.

He's not here.

This is still a tough day for me because I was always a Daddy's Girl and I have wonderful memories of my dad. He was tough because he knew I could conquer any challenge put before me. He was fair because justice was played a huge part of his character. He pushed me because he knew I needed to be pushed. He made me focus when I would be scattered. He was proud of me no matter what I did.

It was one of life's defining moments for me when he died. He was diagnosed with advanced brain and lung cancer in May and was gone by the end of July. It's one of those weird moments because you think your parents will always be there. Well, you know not always  but not until you're waaaaay older.

I got my first taste of mortality right before 21 and I didn't like it. I took it out on everyone when he died and it changed me. I realized then that life and relationships were not permanent and I steeled myself against further loss. It didn't matter because my mother died 3 years later. That served to cement that thought in my mind even further. 

Don't get too close because they will only leave you.

It took a long time to get through that and I'm not sure that I don't have some of the remnants of that left. 

I have especially missed him once I had my daughter. You know, it's the milestones when you miss them the most. I know how he treated his other grandchildren and Danielle would have been the apple of his eye. If I spoiled her that's nothing compared to what he would have done with her. 

So another Father's Day has come and gone. I can only wish that Danielle's father would show that kind of interest in her. Having that relationship was so special and I think it's great for a girl to be spoiled by her dad. I'm thankful that I had the kind of upbringing that I had and I miss him especially on day's like today. 

So, thanks Dad, for everything. 

I miss you.

NEEDLES AND PINS

I don't like going to the dentist.

I like it even less the past few days.

First, my mouth really hurts.

Now my whole body hurts.

Just what I  needed.

Great.

I feel like a fricking pin cushion. If the needles aren't going in my mouth, I feel like they're being pushed in all over my body. I've spent the last couple of nights curled up in a ball cursing life and especially cursing my teeth. 

It has to do with pain amplification.

And, right now the amplification is turned up full blast.

This time around I took a muscle relaxer before I got in the chair. That helped the muscles spasms while I was sitting in the chair. What to do for the pain after? Actually, nothing helped. The pain medication took the edge off but all I wanted to do was curl up in bed.

Can there be a connection between the root canals and the fibro flares besides just the stress that there is in going to the dentist? Could it be when the procedures are being done bacteria is being released into the bloodstream? If that is the case could it stimulate the immune system a little bit so that would increase the cytokines in your system? Cytokines are the molecular messengers of the immune system. If cytokines are responsible for inflammation and cytokines increase Substance P which transmits pain messages, is it so far out of reach to assume when you have these kinds of procedures done that it will affect the severity of the flare with Fibromyalgia? Most Fibromyalgia patients have elevated cytokines in their system. Whether it is a problem of the immune system in and of itself or secondary to something else hasn't been shown yet. 

I don't know but I have enough problems managing this crapola without root canals let alone with them. 

I'm so tired and I have to go to a Father's Day dinner at 5:00. I really want to go but I'm having a hard time getting motivated enough to crawl to the shower. It's going to take me some time to get it together and I'm just not looking forward to that part of the process.

Can I sleep for an hour before I go?

I'M GOING AND IT'S COMING

I am still dealing with the root canal 

from the Memorial Day filling loss.

Now, I have to go again today.

This is not good.

Yesterday, I finally finished the last stage of the root canal on my tooth. I can honestly say that going to the dentist AF (after Fibromyalgia) as opposed to BF (before Fibromyalgia) is a WHOLE different animal.

Talk about amplified pain.

I've never been in love with dentists but I went and got my teeth cleaned and did what I had to do. I've had fillings and gone the novacaine route; again, no big deal. I thought I was going to come out of the chair yesterday. I can really feel the difference in my response to pain. 

To top this all off, I lost ANOTHER crown on the other side. She looked at it and there was a cavity underneath the crown and it was a cavity that HAD to have been there when the last clown put the crown on the tooth. I went to a new dentist because he was right around the corner.

Big mistake.

The guy seemed nice. Lot's of credentials on the wall and the guy played Pink Floyd in the office.  It really was kind of a cool place. Looking back, he must have been on drugs. How the hell do you put a crown over a cavity?  Now, I have to have another root canal on the other side! Do you believe this?

To top it all of this is bringing on a real   doozy of a flare. I can feel it coming. I've got to be there at 10:00 and I'm hurting. I'm going to take a pain pill and half a muscle relaxer because I don't think I can sit in that chair for an hour without jumping. Plus the needles, plus the drilling, plus, plus, plus.

This is not good.

Have the ice packs ready.

I'm going to need them and a margarita.

Forget the ice packs.

Keep the margarita's coming.

A WAY TO SAY THANK YOU

It's a wonderful thing to get a gift.

Especially one from the heart.

Thank you so much Jolene.

And now it's time to pass it on.

It was so nice to wake up and find this wonderful gift waiting for me on my blog. The woman who gave it to me is a real inspiration. What makes it even more special is that she has been feeling like, in my terms, crapola lately. And that is putting it mildly!  Graceful Agony  is a blog that lifts you up and gives you hope that one day you will feel like getting back into this life again. The great news is that she just got published! 

Now to pass on my gift. 

As acceptance of this award, the following criteria should be met:

• 
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award and his or her blog link.

• 
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered.

• 
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

Ms. Lynn-Marie at The Invisible Disease, the journey of a Fibromyalgia Fighter is one of my twins. I say one of them because I've been fortunate enough to meet a couple of them. Lynn-Marie tells it like it is in her battles. Sometimes she can't move and you can feel her frustration and tears through her words. She has a wonderful, giving spirit and I hope you'll visit her blog.

Ms. Michelle at  Dogkisses Blog is a soul sister that has gone through the trials and tribulations not only of chronic illness but of a narcissist love. We found that in common and through all of our struggles came out on top. She is a fabulous writer and has a depth of soul that will touch yours as well. 

Ms. Judith and Max at CreativitytotheMAX is a place to go to find myself. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist that was blindsided by Fibromyalgia but through her creative imagery and self determination makes the best of what this life has given her. She passes her gift on and it has helped me find mine. Max is wonderful and be sure to say hello to him when you stop by.

CJ at  CJ in Time  also got this award today from Jolene at Graceful Agony however it wouldn't seem right if I didn't pass this on to her as well. She is honest, forthright and a real sister in this fight. Her words sometimes move me to tears and sometimes to amazing insights about myself. She is wonderful and please stop by her blog and encourage her. She's wonderful!

I just found My CFS Life. This woman is a beautiful writer. She brings her life alive and you can see through her suffering to the outside world. I love reading her blog and I hope by passing this one it brightens her day.

My Pain is Real/ Daily Living with Fibromyalgia is a blog I recently found as well. It sounds like she's beginning her struggle with this disease and could use some uplifting. I like reading her honest blog about her feelings. Stop by and say hello.


Cranky Fibro Girl is one of my new gems! She is just snarky enough that it has me laughing on my worst days! She just cracks me up! Definitely stop by, but I'm not sure that she'll like "lovely" blog. Snarky blog I'm sure she'd like!


My fibro-fog blog is very interesting. We think of Fibromyalgia as a female gender disease but this blog presents symptoms from a male point of view. 


Living with Fibromyalgia is a blog I started following recently. She is looking to reach out to others with Fibromyalgia and educate herself and others about this disease.


Just Breathe is a blog from a woman who had a car accident and ended up with a few things, Fibromyalgia being one of them. I read one of her posts and it really tugged at me. ***I got a comment that this site sets off a security alert on her virus software. I haven't had it but please be careful visiting this site. It might be adware or something but please be careful!


Conquering Fibromyalgia is by a woman who just started blogging about her symptoms. Stop by and encourage her.


Chronic Chili is a blog I just started following. I left a comment and she has some interesting words and and is looking for people with Fibromyalgia. Stop by her blog!


A Patient's Perspective on Fibromyalgia  is pretty new to me but I felt bad that she lost one of her dogs (i.e. babies). 


Butterfly Dreamer Please stop by this blog and encourage her. She's got a lot of followers but she's been thinking that she hasn't got anymore to offer and it might be time to go. She's got a beautiful blog and her poems are beautiful.


It's time to get over how fragile you are. I just just found her and fell in love with this blog!!!


So there we are. There are my 15 and I hope they will pass this on. To my dear Jolene, CJ, Michelle, Lynn-Marie and Judy; thank you so much for you inspiration, praise, help, concern, friendship and care. I love you guys!


Rose

I'D LOVE TO DUCT TAPE PEOPLES MOUTHS

I didn't ask for an opinion.

I didn't even bring up the subject.

Besides, my idea of a group decision

Is looking in a mirror.

Duct tape is a wonderful invention. I'd like to have pieces of it in a pop up dispenser for use every time I get a call like I got this afternoon. I should have known better. I really should have known better. It always happens when I go against my better judgement. I saw the number come up and it looked familiar. What harm could there be in answering the phone?  

I get so frustrated by her Ms. Fix-it personality. This woman should change in phone booths and come out with Supergirl on her chest. If I am Type A squared, I would categorize her as Type A-Pi. I sold her a home in one of my communities years ago and she stayed in touch. It was a moment of madness that I gave her my cell number and have regretted it ever since. Every so often she calls me and my eyes will glaze over by the time the one-sided conversation is over. Most of the time I can't tell you what was said in the conversation because I'll just interject an uh-huh every so often.  It was enough to drive me crazy years ago and now it makes me want to run for a voodoo doll and start pulling appendages out and sticking pins everywhere. She means well but it still makes me nuts. Initially, I felt sorry for her because I thought she needed someone to talk to but then I realized she wanted to preach. 

Nothing much has changed over the years. As usual I didn't say much in this conversation.  She said, "how are you?"  I told her that it wasn't a real good day today and asked if I could call her back. She wasn't about to let the conversation end there and she immediately went into this lecture about nutrition, red meat and if I ate correctly I wouldn't have any of the problems that I have. 

It does no good to argue with her. She doesn't take a breath long enough to get a word in edgewise anyway. What I did is program her name and number in my phone because I won't answer a call from her again. I really hope she never gets ill. Only then will she find out her diet won't save her. I know that proper nutrition does help our bodies but it doesn't cure chronic pain or chronic illness.

It was a disturbing call. I felt all this seething anger at her insensitivity and stupidity. Then I was angry at myself for not calling her on it but I just didn't have the energy to go there. Besides,when people are convinced that they have nothing to learn it's impossible to teach them anyway. Just one more brick in the wall. I did have fun imagining her face on a voodoo doll. I just needed to shake it off. 

I now understand the frustration you feel when people decide to inform you how to fix this disease. Between the vitamins, diets, drugs and what they'll do to my liver it is a never ending bashing. Oh, by the way, the drugs and what they do to me? Ask me if I care when my whole body is crying in pain and my muscles are spasming and cramping. Do you really think I'd want to go cold turkey and visualize my way out of my misery? Not on a bet.

So how did I spend my evening? I popped a muscle relaxer and shuffled my way into my bathroom and thanked the god of water heaters for that glorious invention.  So I filled my tub and relaxed.

In a glorious hot bath.

I guess you could say that I'm back in hot water.

I'M IN HOT WATER............NOT!!!!!!

If I have to make a bet 

between me and the world,

right now,

I'll bet on the world.

I don't live life in the fast lane anymore. To be perfectly honest, I don't even live life in the slow lane anymore. Since the onset of the pain of Fibromyalgia the pleasures I used to enjoy have dwindled to just a few.

A hot bath in a jetted tub is one of them.

I find that when I get in the tub of swirling water at night it helps me relax. I take a muscle relaxer and take a good book, my diet coke and I light some aromatherapy candles and try to keep my muscles from going into painful spasms. It's one of those simple pleasures that, for just a few moments when I close my eyes, put me on a beautiful, verdant tropical island far away from the barren wasteland of Fibromyalgia. 

I love that part of the evening. There is one slight problem with a jetted tub and I cannot stress what I am about to tell you enough. Never, and let me say it once again, never put even a little bit of bubble bath in a jetted tub. Then after you've been dumb enough to do that, never lay back and close your eyes and surrender yourself to blissful meditation.  First of all, amazing grace bubble bath in your nostrils is vile. Second of all, it makes a TON of bubbles. It takes forever to get rid of the bubbles.

Anyway.......I digress.

I really looked forward to tonight. I really needed that bath tonight. My muscles are cramping and my hands are really hurting today. 

There will be no bath tonight.

My hot water heater is kaput.

The plumber came out and thank goodness I have a home warranty. As it is they don't cover all of it but it covers most of it. However, they can't do it until tomorrow. Now I get to stress about how much this is going to cost and I need more stress like a hole in my head. 

So, no bubbles. No tropical island. No hot water. No relief. No relaxing. Just stress.

Well, I'll turn on Hell's Kitchen and watch Gordon Ramsay yell at the chefs. That will make me smile! Then America's Got Talent all the while wishing I was in a nice warm bath.

I just had a brilliant idea. I would LOVE a flat screen TV embedded in the wall (with cable) so I could be in the bath and watch TV. 

I'd never get out of the water.

I look good as a prune.

KICKING THE HORNET'S NEST

I feel like the girl who kicked the bee's nest.
Why are the bee's flying around me now?
Gee, I don't want to get stung....
I shouldn't have kicked the damn nest in the first place.

I read a friend's post and she was talking about how she blew it big time and it started me thinking. Well, how it started out she was rationalizing how a reasonable woman would never take candy from their child's Easter basket. First of all, I've done that a million times and I still feel no shame. It was the part about acting out and having all these issues and regrets that started me thinking.

And that's a very bad thing.

I start getting introspective and it does a couple of things. First of all it gives me headaches because there are so many issues that I have to deal with and I'm still not crazy about digging up all that pain. The second thing it does is make me reach for either chocolate or donuts and that can be either singular or plural. It's not a good thing for my backside because I still have that 25 pounds that I have to lose and just thinking about that hammers my self esteem.

The self esteem issue is probably a huge one because I struggle with it on a daily basis. I look in the mirror and see a woman in pain. No matter how you cut it pain still shows up on your face and you can always see it in your eyes. You can smile but pain will never fool your eyes. I have become someone that I don't know. Or have I? Is this the woman that was there all the time and I just kept her hidden away? Is all of this finally showing and I'm just now seeing it? 

I hope not.

I keep coming back to this issue of perfection and I still don't have it quite right. See the irony here? I just don't know why sometimes I feel that I'm just not good enough. Some people stuff their issues and some people medicate or drink away their issues. I sought to love mine away. If I was just good enough they would all go away. Of course, I wasn't good enough so the quest began again. I set myself up for failure. There would always be flaws because we are all imperfect beings. The opposite side of that coin, for me, was that I expected them to leave so I was always ready for that possibility. 

I'm just now beginning to see what that issue cost me. 

I had an ex that loved to manipulate situations. It wasn't for any love of me or what was best for me. It was all a game and what was best for him in that moment. Unfortunately, I didn't see it at the time and it set into motion a number of events that I will forever regret. We don't get through this life without making mistakes and I have made a couple of beauties. I cannot go back but I am going forward. What I want the past to do is help me NEVER to make the same mistake again. The other thing I hope that it does is give me wise counsel so that if someone I care for is about to make the same mistake I can help them before they go down that same path.

There are times that I wish I had a time machine and could go back in time. I would do things so differently. I would react oh-so differently and I would stand at those forks in the road and take a completely different path. I would speak in tenderness instead of anger and I would stand instead of retreating. I would laugh instead of cry and I would have chosen right instead of wrong. I would have understood what the saying, "by the choices we make we create the life we have," meant and chosen wisely.

What I have learned is to choose the higher ground. I think before I speak and I try never to say anything that I don't mean because once it comes out of your mouth you can never take it back. I think I have more compassion and tolerance for myself than I ever did before. While I still have plenty of things to deal with, I don't hate myself as much as I used to. I have learned how to say no and not feel guilty and I have come to the realization that everyone doesn't have to like me. Maybe, just maybe, I am beginning to believe that I just may be enough. Well, that's a big maybe.

Does this mean I'm becoming a grown-up?