WALKING ON BROKEN GLASS

One step forward.

Two steps back.

No matter which way I go,

each step hurts.

Another post where I start out whining again.  When I wake up in the morning and feel the ever familiar stiffness I know that it will take awhile to get moving. What I hadn't banked on is when I put my feet on the floor and nearly fall over because the bottom of my feet hurt so much.  It's right at the arch and it's excruciating. I have to be careful how much weight I put on them right away because I'd lose my balance. As I gingerly take those first few steps toward the kitchen to get the necessary morning caffeine, I want to cry.

It's awful to start your day out in pain.

I know this is a typical symptom of Fibromyalgia. Pain can be all over your body and it can decide to settle in parts of your body. My pain has been pretty bad lately. I'm real fatigued and my hands and feet hurt on top of all that other pain. I've kept the pain cream at the side of the bed and I could probably go through a jar of that a week. Lately, the muscle spasms have been occurring on a nightly basis. Those are awful!!

Is anyone else going through this kind of thing?

It's been hard to focus as well. I find myself forgetting things even more right now. Yesterday, I was in the grocery store and, all of a sudden, I totally lost my train of thought. I couldn't remember what I went in to the store to get. I had to stop and just try to focus for a few minutes. I felt frustrated and angry! I stood there looking at the vegetables trying to remember what I needed. Finally, it came to me but it took some time. Trust me, the broccoli wasn't worth the lost feeling I felt standing in the middle of the store. I've been trying to eat well and cut out sugar but all I wanted at that point was chocolate.

I've got emails to answer and I just can't seem to get to them. If anyone has written to me, I will get there. I'm just in slow motion. I value the emails and comments and want to answer them.

Don't give up on me, I may give up on myself at times but hang in there. 

It feels like I'm walking on broken glass.

I love having Fibromyalgia...........(can't you just hear the sarcasm dripping???)

I WISH I MAY, I WISH I MIGHT, HAVE THE WISH I WISH TONIGHT

It hurts when I am in pain.

It hurts even more when I witness the pain of my friends.

Physical.

Emotional.

Spiritual.

Pain is pain.

And I wish that I could wish it away.

It's beginning to look like we actually might get some rain. The humidity is rising and my hands are beginning to throb. Yep, it's just another night in paradise. I've been using the new pain cream that I bought and I think it really does help the pain in my legs a little bit. So, as I sit here knowing it's going to be a long night, I read some emails from friends. Emails that expressed concern, emails that revealed dejection and depression and emails that told me about pain.

I've always said pain is pain. It doesn't matter how we think about it. All that matters is how the person who is in pain feels about it.

From the moment we open our eyes to the moment we close them we're engaged in battle.  The women I know who battle pain day in and day out are amazingly strong. We all think we're wimps but nothing is farther from the truth. We battle depression that springs from pain. We battle constant pain that ranges from throbbing to gut wrenching. We battle ourselves because we constantly think that we're inadequate. 

I think most of us deal with the issue of perfection and the fact that we'll never reach it. We are learning that it's okay to be human. Instead of looking at it as failure we are learning to accept ourselves. Instead of having a rigid view of life, we are learning to be flexible. Part of it is that we have kept a part of ourselves private. Privacy was something I valued above all else. Blogging, however, changed all of that. I learned about myself and I learned that there are people that I've never met who accept me for myself more than my own family. I have opened up more on this blog than I ever thought I would and I found out that others did the same thing.

I found out that this invisible illness has made us visible.

We decided that we wanted to be educated and educate others about this mysterious illness that plagues us. We became seekers. We've waded through the swamps to find out the truth. We found out that what works for some may not work for us. We're learning that we must discard the negative feelings that come from the supposed well-wishers who dispense unwanted medical advice. Advice that basically says we've done this to ourselves and if we want to get better we must get up and move around. We have become our own doctors because we found out that we know more about us than they do.

We are the people of duality. We are stoic and we are tender. We are strong and yet we are weak. We are the wimps and the warriors. We are the brave and yet we're cowards. We stand tall and unafraid but yet we fear. We are rigid but yet we are flexible. We are reserved and private but yet so open and vulnerable. It's no wonder that we're confused. There are times that we don't know which way to go.

So tonight is going to be a very long night. I've taken pain medication and the muscle spasms are still breaking through. The pain is reaching levels that will keep me awake most of the night.  I know that I'm not the only one who goes through this. We all have times like this and I think about the people that I've been blessed to meet through this blog. When you have nights or times like the one I'm having tonight be comforted in knowing that you're not alone. That thought has gotten me through some very tough times.

So to you my friends:

I wish you freedom from pain.

I wish you sound sleep.

I wish you comfort.

I wish you strength.

But most of all, I wish all your wishes come true.

I

TOPRICIN PAIN RELIEF AND HEALING CREAM

I've always said I'd try anything that would help relieve the pain.

I just happened to open an article about pain relief and Fibromyalgia.

There is a reason for everything.

I just happened to open a link. It said pain relief and healing cream awarded patent for pain associated with Fibromyalgia. Okay, I'm a sucker and I figured, "what the heck?" I went to Whole Foods and picked up a rather pricey jar of this stuff and put it on my hands.

Amazing.

It actually helped me.

You can put in on your back. You can use it for muscle spasms. I'm actually kind of jazzed about the product!! They also have a foot therapy cream and I'm going to order it because it's so hard to move on my feet first thing in the morning. It isn't greasy or oily either.

I've included the link so you can research it and see if you like it. I thought I'd pass on the information because it might help someone else.

Let me know if you try it!!

This is not an advertisement and I have not been paid for any endorsement. This is just from me to you!!

TOPRICIN PAIN RELIEF AND HEALING CREAM

WARRIOR OR WIMP?

One day a warrior.

The next day a wimp.

The next day somewhere in-between.

Who am I?

I spent today sleeping. I can't believe I knuckled under to the fatigue and pain and I'm still irritated with myself.  I pulled myself out of bed enough to have dinner and now I'm back in bed. It's time for another pain pill and muscle relaxer. My legs are jumping and my body is hurting. Hurting big time.

Boy, this makes for a fun life.

I'm still going to the gym in the morning but by the time I'm done I'm wiped out. I need to take pain medication before I even attempt to make the walk. I keep doing this because I know eventually it will help me.

So now what?

I'm going back to the doctor on the 31st to see what I can do for the breakthrough pain. It's not just the issue of the Fibromyalgia, although that is the issue that wreaks the most havoc on my body. I've still got the back issue to deal with and that causes the pain to shoot down my legs. There still is nerve damage in my lower legs and that isn't fun either. I've got to find something that will help me with the pain. I'm not going to be as stubborn about taking the medication. I'm taking the Zanaflex at night because that does help the muscle spasms. I really fought against taking this with the pain medication but no more. I found that it does help me sleep a little bit more. I still wake up 3 or 4 times a night but it does feel like I get a little more sleep.

It was my birthday yesterday and I didn't even have cake because I've cut out sugar. How boring, huh? It was very low key and I spent the day reflecting on  the last couple of years. The only thing it served to do is depress me even further so my daughter and I went to Pier One for a half hour and then I came home and slept. Gee, you think I could manage more than a half hour out in the world! It seems when I go out I have to come back in and rest. YUCK.

It's been a weird summer for everyone, it seems. Flares galore, pain galore and fatigue galore. Is there something in the air?

If it was in the air, I caught it.

WALK A MILE IN MY SHOES

What would it feel like if you could,

walk a mile in my shoes.

Not the pretty high heels,

but the really muddy icky shoes?

"I know how you feel."

How many times have we heard that statement? How many times have we said that very same thing? You won't know what I feel like until you walk a mile in my shoes. Well, after having walked that mile just this morning, I can tell you that a part of that statement is very true. How do we make someone understand something that is impossible for them to understand unless they feel it? 

The most widely used definition is from the International Association for the Study of Pain. "Pain is an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience arising from actual or potential tissue damage or described in terms of such damage."  Therefore, pain is both a physical and emotional experience. So, how do we make others understand how we feel? How can they really know what this is like?

How would they feel if they could walk a mile in my shoes. Well, first of all, they'd never be able to walk that mile during a flare. Well, maybe with pain medication. A lot of pain medication. How can you convey what it's like to get out of bed in the morning after a night of interrupted sleep and cry because the bottom of your feet hurt so bad?  How do you make someone understand that the tears are not only of pain but of frustration and anger because you really want to get out of bed and do something, anything, with the day?

How do you make someone understand how drastically your life has changed? At first, no one understood or believed what Fibromyalgia was and now it's on every commercial; commercials that tell you with one little pill life will be what it used to be. That same commercial where a woman is smiling and acting like nothing is wrong. That same commercial that pisses me off every single time I see it. It makes it seem that Fibromyalgia is this annoying little fly you have to swat and then it's gone. How do you tell someone that I used to be lively and energetic and loved to go out and have fun? How do you make someone realize that this isn't something that moving around will help? How do you make someone realize that everything hurts and nothing, absolutely nothing, is the same anymore?

How do you convey the sadness when you walk into your closet and look at the clothes and shoes that just don't work for you anymore? You can't bear to see them and you can't bear to give them away. Giving them away brings home the thought that there is no cure and this is a life sentence. How do you tell someone that the pain you bear on a daily basis makes it impossible to do the work that you used to do? How do you let them know that sometimes just lifting a glass is too much and that being scared you'll drop it depresses you even more? How do you let someone know that being forgetful is as frustrating for you as it is for them?

How do you let someone know that you feel like a worn out pair of shoes? That sometimes just like those shoes you feel so useless like you've been thrown out of society. How do you let someone know what you'd give for the time when you didn't feel worn out just by waking up in the morning? How do you tell them that you watch from afar with jealousy every time you see someone running and laughing looking like they didn't have a care in the world? How do you explain that the devastation this disease is not one that you anticipated or wanted or can do anything about?

How do you tell someone that even though you are in pain and there are tears in your eyes you are still thankful? How do you tell someone that even though you look happy behind those eyes is a person that deals with chronic pain? Can you tell them that you can still be at peace with the little things in this world? How do you tell them that even though they can't see this illness it is still there? 

Can you tell them to have compassion, strength and patience with you and for you because that is the greatest need that you have? 

Can I?

I don't know.


(this is for you jimmy choo, don't be a naughty monkey, I live at 9 west with my manolo, my friend is Cole Haan, we love to go to Brighton and I love Stuart Weitzman.............................huge sigh)

BACK TO THE FUTURE

I really wish I could.

I'd make different choices.

I would turn different corners.

I'd drive down a different street.

It's one of those nights. I woke up this morning  and forced myself to go to the gym so I could walk for 15 minutes. It's funny that I'll drive 10 minutes to go to a place where I can walk for 15 minutes. Why not just go out the front door and take a walk?

First, it's too hot.

Second, I'll walk back in the door and get back in bed.

Yep, it's been that kind of day. I hobbled and finally quit walking in less than 5 minutes. Every bone in my body aches today and I just couldn't finish a walk. Then, because I was wiped out from the walk I came back home and got into bed. Wasn't that what I really wanted to do in the first place?

It would have been nice to have a crystal ball and see what life had in store for me. Don't we all wish we have some sort of warning for everything that smacks us in this life? Of course, there are varying degrees and there are certainly some things I wouldn't want to know in advance. What I mean is as far as the Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue and Car Accidents. I really would have wanted to prepare for what was coming. 

How would I have prepared? Well, I think thinking I thrived on unending stress would have been a good place to start. Once trauma hits your body it wreaks all kinds of havoc. What I should have done before is stop and smell those proverbial roses. I should have realized everything doesn't have to be perfect and I should have definitely realized that stress isn't a good thing.  I just keep going over this in my head and I can't come to the acceptance part. Will I ever get to the point where I can say that this turned out to be a blessing in my life?  Will something come along that will take the place of a meaningful career and replace it with something better? 


I know I say that if I knew this was coming I would have changed certain aspects of my life but would I have changed? I doubt it. There are a number of things that cause this but I am absolutely certain the car accident was the domino that tripped this nasty series of events.  That's when I get angry and just when I make a little bit of headway toward that elusive acceptance,  the pain starts. The cycle begins anew.


I think everyone would like an opportunity for a do-over. Just hop back on the old time machine and see how you could change your life. Oh yeah, there are definitely a few changes I'd make!

So, considering I can do nothing about this,  I'm going to watch movies. I have a feeling this will be a very long night. The fog (mine) is rolling in and I almost fell asleep and then......pow! I'm wide awake. Not good...........what I'd give for a full night of deep sleep!!


Okay..........what to watch...............I think I need a real good disaster movie. Do I want one where an asteroid hits the earth or giant tidal waves wipe out the coast? How about volcanoes? Hmmm.......or do I want to get sappy and watch 13 going on 30. (I love that movie!)  Or maybe Armageddon. I've got it........I'm watching and old one. Meteor with Sean Connery.


So now it's time for the nightly ritual. First, pain medication and then muscle relaxers. If not, I'll be in bad shape by two o'clock. Second, time to spray the pillows with Bath and Body Works Lavender and Vanilla spray. Third, I spray the body mist of the same Lavender and Vanilla on me. Last, I take a melatonin. So now, it's movie time!!


Crap.
No popcorn.
I'm being good.

THE BUD

I looked outside and looked at
just a single rose in my garden.
And the day came,
when the risk to remain tight in a bud,
was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

I keep struggling with the concept of this illness defining me. Right now it does define me. I mean, I still have the personality and characteristics that I was born with and that have been defined and refined during my lifetime. Those same personality quirks and characteristics have been overshadowed and redefined by pain.  In that respect, this invisible illness and I have morphed into one being.

What my pain has done to me is very much like the rose. I cannot bloom in pain. But like that rose it is becoming increasingly difficult to stay as tightly wrapped as that bud. I know that it helps me and my spirit to touch another's life and lift them up. I think that this is why all of us decide to embark on this medium called blogging. We use words as a soothing balm for our souls. We use words to express our love, our frustration and our pain. And sometimes, our words soothe someone else's soul. We have embraced each other with our words and used them to touch each other's heart.

So, tonight as the humidity is rising as well as the pain, I will try to put all of this aside and think of what I can do to help one other person in this fight against chronic pain and fatigue. Staying tightly cocooned keeps me concentrating on the pain and that isn't good for me or anyone else. I'm hoping that if I can do that then I can begin to bloom and find a new direction that encompasses all of me (pain included). If I can do this then we all can do this. We have a group that has an immense capacity to reach out and help the chronic pain community. There are so many different people that have so much to give. They inspire me on a daily basis and I look forward to every glimpse into their hearts and life.

Thank you for the opportunity to join you on this journey. It's a journey that is frustrating, difficult and a journey none of us wanted to take and even though we are stuck on this road, we have found each other.

The knowledge that we are in this together makes this journey bearable.

EVERYTHING GOES BETTER WITH CHEESECAKE.

I've done the work.

I've joined the gym.

I'm walking.

I've lost one pound.

Crap.

I really am motivated to move just because I know in the long run it will help manage the pain of Fibromyalgia. At the very least it will, for a little while, help distract me from the pain. Okay, I can live with that. The other thing that motivates me is that I really need to lose the weight except that I'm not losing anything despite the fact that my calorie intake is very, very low.

Double crap.

What is it going to take to lose any weight? You can see where I'm going here. The pain seems to be my secondary motivation. I'm just tired of looking the way I do. My daughter is getting married next May and I want to look like the mother of the bride, not the grandmother of the bride. You see, I've got plenty of motivation to not only feel better but to look better. 

I really am trying to cut out all the crap kind of food. I know I need to eat breakfast but I hate it. My idea of breakfast is coffee and diet coke. Actually, I can go all day without eating and then hit it at around 5. I can then eat a sensible dinner. I love veggies and chicken so it's not difficult for me to cut back on calories. My problem is when I'm bored. Around eight I want either ice cream or popcorn both of which are bad for me. I know, I know.........the diet coke isn't good for me either but it's going to be REAL tough for me to give that up. Without caffeine I just might be comatose.

The walking has really knocked me out. After I walk I just want to come home and get in bed. I still hurt and my energy levels are practically non-existent. I will keep walking because I need to keep walking. 

Years ago I had a personal trainer who came to the house while I exercised. We would spend an hour doing aerobics and strength training. I was in really good shape. I could do push ups and sit ups and run like a champ. Believe that one? Another thing that I used to do. (sigh)

All I know is that after you exercise a little snack is in order.

Cheesecake would be nice.

CHAINS

There's hope.

Then there is hope beyond hope.

I think that I'm way past that.

I really realize how chained my body is now. I am not doing anything even remotely close to power walking and it's difficult for me. The gym that I joined has an inside track that you can either walk or run on. I was amazed at the amount of older people that show up at the gym and really work out and really move fast.

Then there's me.

Even the old people pass me.

It takes 6 laps to walk a mile and I'm crying while I'm doing this. Isn't that pathetic? I'm hobbling around this inside track at the pace that a turtle would envy. Gee, I'm working out. I try to keep in mind that this movement is going to do me some good but it's real hard to remember that when you're in pain.

Why do they say that exercise is good for you when dealing with Fibromyalgia?

I've done this for four days now and the pain is getting worse not better. I came home today and promptly got back into bed. My body feels like someone just beat the crap out of me. My hands hurt. My feet hurt. My legs hurt. Everything hurts. Pain does not make exercise a high point of my day. Where is the release of endorphins that gives the feeling of exuberance after the work out? I'm not feeling anything but pain.

I really thought I could do this. I knew I wasn't going to get a personal trainer and do a major exercise program but I thought I could walk. As I walked around I thought about how much this illness has changed my life and my body. I watched women that are about my age power walking around the track and smiling as they went by. They looked healthy and they didn't look like they dreaded every step they were about to take. Every step I take begs  the question, "is it worth it?"

I might have to give this up right now and try the water exercises. At least I don't have an impact issue and I will still get some stretching. It's sobering to realize that even a simple act like walking can throw your body into fits. So now, by the crack of 4, I'm going to get out of bed and crawl to the shower and see if I can do something for me today. I think I'll go to the bookstore. I can sit and have coffee and read magazines. At least it will get me out of the house.

Who came up with the idea that this is good for me? 

Gee, I hope it's not the same people that make the Lyrica commercials.

I ACTUALLY MADE IT

I actually went to the gym today.

Gee, sitting upright today??

Call me wacky!

I set the alarm and when it went off I considered throwing it across the room.  I got up at 8:30, which in itself is a miracle, and put my feet on the floor. That was not good. I cursed and hobbled to the bathroom and took a look at myself in the mirror. 

I went to the gym.

I finally got there about 10:30. The water class was over so I decided I'd walk around the inside track. I did about six laps and, trust me, it wasn't a power walk. I kept telling myself that I needed the  movement. I do need it. Badly.

If today was any indication of how out of shape I am then I need to continue to do this. It hurt. It really hurt but I figure I can get through it. It may take pain medication to do it but I need to do something. I just wish I could have made it in time for the water class. That's the only way I'll be able to do some resistance exercises.

So I plugged in my ipod and continued to walk.

Tomorrow I'll try to do one more lap.

It still hurts to move.

Back to baby steps.

THOUGHT FOR THE EVENING

In the battle between you and pain.

Bet on the pain.

Today the humidity has been over 54%. Right now, it's at 28%. I don't do well with that level of moisture in the air. It feels like every bone in my body aches. 

And aches real bad.

It was so nice outdoors too. It was cool, wonderful and a day that we hadn't had in quite some time. I used to love days like this and now it hurts me to love them. I want to pull the covers over my head and give in.

I will probably do that tonight. 

I've tried baths to no avail. I've tried the medication and I will probably take more right before I try to go to sleep. Maybe it will knock me out so I don't wake up every five minutes. This is what I dread about the monsoon season. It just makes me want to cry. I'm hoping I can move in time for the water class in the morning. If it's as bad as it is tonight, I'm not going.

To top it off there was just a commercial for Lyrica on television. She looked so happy and smiling talking about the chance the it could cause suicidal thoughts. She even looked happy talking about debilitating pain. I would just love to see a real commercial showing how we look when our body is trying to fight off the pain.

So for tonight, in the war of me and pain, I'm letting pain win.

I'm too tired and I hurt to bad to fight it.


**just as an FYI, I want to throw things at the TV when those commercials come on. In fact, they really piss me off.

WATER MIGHT BE THE WAY TO GO

I understand that I need to move around.

I'm going to try to move through the pain.

I'll let you know how that works out.

Let me go back about 35 years. I have joined every single health club that opened up in town. Now, ask me about those memberships. Did I go and work out every day? I'll let you guess. I didn't like to work out when I felt good, let alone now.

The ONLY reason I'm doing this is because I feel that if I don't do something, I'm going to wind up as an invalid. I have succumbed to the pain and it feels good to curl up in bed and wait until the pain subsides to a manageable level. When I wake up I experience the morning stiffness that is part of Fibromyalgia. When I stretch enough to be able to move I want to cry when my feet first hit the floor because they hurt so much. It seems that the pain settles in my hands and feet.  I'm forever rubbing my hands.

So now I've decided to try some sort of exercise. I'm going to go to some water aerobics. First of all I can't run on pavement anymore. My body can't take that sort of impact. So, I figure exercising in the water can be a viable way to get some much needed movement in my body. I have some equipment in my house but I just don't have the motivation to use it. I use the treadmill for about 2 minutes. I thought that if I did it while I watched television the time might pass quickly. No such luck. 

I can't believe it.

I joined another club.

Well, I'll see what happens.

Boy, if this isn't deja vu.

I MUST HAVE A SCREW LOOSE!

I must have a screw loose.

What was I thinking?

I don't think I was thinking.

Damn the fibro fog.

I watch a lot of television now and I love reality shows. Usually on Wednesday nights I watch America's Got Talent. I really enjoy watching either amazing talent or morons making complete fools of themselves on national television. There is a wonderful singer named Michael Grimm on the show this season. He's got a real bluesy, gravely voice and I think he's fabulous.

I get an email from the M casino and lo and behold Michael Grimm is appearing in the lounge tonight and there is only a two drink minimum! Hey, I can pop for two diet cokes for some good music. I send the email to my boyfriend and he called me.

"You sure you want to go to this?"

"Oh yeah, I would love to see him."

"Are you sure?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Okay."

God love him, he knows me better than I know myself. He's just too kind to say that I'm an idiot for attempting this in the middle of one hell of a flare.

But I digress.

The show starts at eight o'clock and lasts until midnight. 

Did you catch that?

Okay. So we drive out to the "M" and it takes about a half an hour from where I live. By the time we park and get out of the car I'm pretty well bent over from sitting for that period of time. I still don't seem to remember the fact that the show is supposed to last for FOUR HOURS. By the way, we park the car and it's a little bit of a hike to the casino. This is because I kept driving around looking for valet but couldn't find it. I haven't been there before and, believe it or not, I couldn't find the front of the casino so I said  "screw it"  and let's just park. Okay, back to the story. Now we get in the casino and where we've parked is at the OPPOSITE END of the casino where this lounge is located.

Are you beginning to get the picture??

At this point I'm beginning to get a little pissy because the pain in my back is running down my legs. It hurts to walk and it hurts to sit and my hands hurt like hell.  I got up and looked at the t-shirts and Cd's that he had at a table in the back. Very cool. So I bought a CD and sat down and started to drink my diet coke. I began to get an inkling that I might be in a little bit of trouble here. 

I took a pain pill.

The lights dimmed and Michael appeared on stage and started singing the old Joe Cocker song, "You can leave your hat on." I love that song and he did it justice. Actually, it was phenomenal! He really has a fabulous voice. Now, as he sings I start squirming in the chair. It wasn't the beat of the music, it was that I had really started to hurt. The music was very loud and my ears were ringing. Isn't that a joke? I love loud music and now it actually hurts me physically. Stupid, stupid stupid!

My boyfriend took one look at me and set the diet coke down on the table and said, "let's go." I tried to be brave and told him I could stay a while longer but he wasn't having any of it. It was almost as if to say, "you've got the CD, listen to it at home." So off we went in search of the car. I hadn't gotten over the first hike yet and now I was attempting it again.

Oh, I should mention, at this point, that I bought the new tennis shoes from Sketcher's that work out your legs while walking. I want to take those fricking shoes and throw them out the window. It's not bad enough that I hurt beyond belief when I walk that far, now I want to make sure my legs are toned while I'm in agony. 


We make it back to the car and all I want to do is get in bed and put the covers over my head. I'm dreading the long drive home. I'm very quiet because I hurt so much and I want to put my head back and just close my eyes until we get home.


"I know what! Let's put on the CD you bought and listen to it."


I jumped out of my seat! I want to take that CD and throw it at him. Does he actually think I can unwrap it? My hands are on fire!! Plus, he scared the crap out of me! I told him I'd put my purse in the back seat and couldn't reach it. After I said it I felt bad so I turned slowly in my seat and tried to reach my purse. I was feeling around the seat trying to find my purse.  It was then he turned on the radio and the song,  I Gotta Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas. The volume was about 300 decibels and I jumped about a mile!!!!


My grimace of pain had now become a snarl.


The only thing that kept me from doing bodily harm and causing absolute mayhem was the fact that we were in a car and that he had tried to keep me doing this. I had the grace to keep my mouth shut during the ride home and realized that I have a screw loose for even thinking I could do this. Normally, it would be no problem but when I hurt like this I shouldn't be trying to sit for hours. 


While it lasted (for about 5 minutes) I did have fun.
But I do have a screw loose.

THE SKIPPY DIARIES

Who am I?

Trust me, there are days that I have no idea.

But I know who I used to be.

I used to have the nickname of Skippy. 

Why?

Because I was never still and I was skipping around everywhere.

That was then and this is now.

There are a number of adjectives that describe me. Even now, I still get the past and the present confused. I still think of myself as that healthy woman that wore 4 inch heels on site. I was constantly running around and one of the highlights of my year was the anniversary sale at Nordstrom's. I would hit the shoe department and stock up. 

I now look at those shoes and want to cry.

I had Manolo shoes that looked like sneakers, Jimmy Choo's and my wacko favorite, Naughty Monkey. I had Cole Haan, Brighton's and Nine West. I thought 2 inch heels were for old ladies (sorry to those of you that wore these!) and I only wore tenny's when I went to work out.

They now sit in my closet collecting dust like trophies of a by-gone age.

I'll admit that characteristics that didn't come out all that often come out on a regular basis now. Snarky? Oh, you bet! My patience level for stupidity (including my own) is not real high. I get frustrated when I can't remember ideas, words and appointments. I've put together paperwork for friends and when they walked in to the arbitrators they asked who was the attorney. Okay, I'll pat myself on the back just a little here. I was pretty good with words.  Was.

I loved to read and now the back of cereal boxes challenge my intellect. I have the attention span of a gnat. I mean, who has to read and read and re-read Harlequin romances just to catch the drift?  I had attitude; not in a bad way but I wasn't lacking in opinions or confidence. You came in to buy from me I would tell you what to do and how to do it. I could recite the disclosures practically verbatim. And I loved it. 

I loved to laugh and my sense of humor ran to the absurd. I love the roadrunner and coyote and the Acme products send me into hysterics. I love cartoons and slapstick comedy. Snoopy and Calvin and Hobbes are my favorite comic strips.  I feel that a day should never go by where you don't laugh at something. I had a real joy in all circumstances of life. I loved to live and laugh and love.

I really felt that even though life gave you trials, you could always find something to be thankful for and smile. 

UNTIL THE ACCIDENT.

I know that I shouldn't be defined by an illness or a circumstance but I'm still struggling with that concept. I am not the same as I was a couple of years ago.  Pain doesn't turn off and leave you alone at designated times. I struggle with the idea of being disabled. I struggle with the fact that I won't be selling new homes again. I struggle with the loss of brain cells. I struggle with this invisible disease called Fibromyalgia. I struggle with muscle spasms and I struggle with the daily pain. I struggle with the voodoo pain and not knowing when it's going to strike. I hate being fearful of my body and I really hate that it's betraying me. 

So what part of me was before the accident? I'm a cynic and I'm a frequent visitor of despair.com. I love computers, technology and photography. I love to observe people and read body language. I love movies and documentaries, throw in a few romantic comedies and I'm a happy camper. I love to watch the news and the stock market. I love to go to the ocean and watch the power and majesty of the waves pound the shore. I love it when the weather starts to turn cold and you can feel the slight nip in the air.  I love shoes, purses, kitchen gadgets, sheets and dishes. Put me in Williams Sonoma and I'm in heaven. I love to cook and watch the Food Network. To me, you can never have too many kitchen tools. 

I love dogs. I always have. I've never been a cat person, partly because I'm allergic but I love love love dogs.  I've had long hair Chihuahua's and named one Bebe La Strange. I've had a Havanese called Peaches that would smile at me and climb bushes to get to her toys. I had a bichon poodle pound puppy called Squirt that had a personality all her own. She was a carb dog and loved popcorn. Anytime anyone needed a home for a dog I would keep it until a good home could be found. I also make up alter ego's for them as well. Mr. H is a financial guru who makes networking calls and develops Ponzi schemes while I'm away. He and Squirt would go to the pig farm in the red wagon and bet on the pork races. My house is run for the comfort and convenience of my dogs and in  the next life I want to come back as one of my dogs.

I know I say I want my life back all the time because I'm struggling with it. I do want my life back and it's not something that can happen just because I wish it. I still haven't fully accepted what I am after this car accident. The pain, the Fibromyalgia; you spend your days feeling like you got hit with a baseball bat and see how perky you are. 

I'm not dealing with this well, am I? It's the notion that life isn't always fair. I've always hated injustice and applying it to myself isn't easy. 

So I'm still here, moving slowly, one day at a time and still trying to figure out who I am.