A VIEW FROM THE REAR

Yes.

I seem to still have some perfection issues.

My daughter is getting married next week and I am so excited. Her intended is wonderful and the families have blended perfectly. It's a fairy tale story with a very happy ending. I just have a couple of concerns that make me a tad unhappy.

Why, then, am I unhappy?

I'm really not looking forward to pictures. It's bad enough my self image has taken a major hit with all the Fibromyalgia, hypothyroidism and Hashimoto's crapola going on. No matter what I do the 30 pounds will not come off. I know I harp on this subject but it really bugs me. 

The fact is that I don't want to look like a stuffed sausage in pictures.

I have a hard time reconciling the old me with the new me. I know in my head it shouldn't matter but it does. I bought a beautiful dress and I keep trying it on and looking at myself from the back. Think about it. It makes perfect sense. I'll be walking down the aisle and everyone will have a rear view.  All I need now is the beeping sound for the truck backing up. OK.........I'm not quite that bad but in my head I might as well be.

I've said it before and I 'll say it again. A dress size shouldn't define me as a person. In one sense it doesn't but in another it absolutely does. 

Anyone find the sense in that statement? 

Anyway, I've got a week to go and I'll be starving myself for the better part of it so I can, maybe, take off a pound. So here I go..........I've tried walking everyday and getting some exercise. Did it help? No.

One week until the wedding.........

No pounds down.

And counting................

THE WINDOWS OF THE SOUL

I truly believe it.
Eyes are the windows of the soul.

There are people that don't look you directly in the eye. Call it vibes if you want but I believe we are given a sense about the people with whom we come in contact. Some people actually make the hair stand up on the back of your neck. On the other end of the spectrum there are those people that we know we can be totally ourselves and curl up in the security of their very being. 

Thank goodness I've met a few of those too.


I've met people that say all sorts of interesting things to you but you can feel it almost physically and know that it's not the truth. Your body reacts and if you listen to it you can learn a great deal about people. We have a sixth sense that we should let come through. Is it a perception of a fleeting expression that we didn't even know we noticed? 


Intuition comes from deep within us. Is it just our brain rapidly going through our internal file cabinet and then reaching a decision based on something or someone in our past that gave us a similar reaction? Do we really have understanding or do we just feel the emotion? 

I've been feeling so isolated lately. I feel like I've just been punched in the stomach and the twins (pain and fatigue) have reacted accordingly. It seems all I do anymore is yawn and sleep. I just can't seem to get it together. It's been a major crash extraordinaire and even as I type this I know I'm going to have to shut everything down and go to sleep.


I thought that if I finished this when I woke up I'd be a little more clear-headed. 
Wrong.
I'm still feeling somewhat muddled.


I'm just so glad that I've got people around me that make me feel, well, like me again. One person I've known for 32 years and I appreciate his quiet strength and friendship so much. He's got his own battles and no matter what happens I would always be there if he needed me and I know that he'd do the same for me. 


We should all have a friend like that.


I just know that people always tell us who they are. They ALWAYS tell us who they are. We just don't choose to listen. We overlook the red flags that are out there and convince ourselves it just couldn't happen to us. Red flags are the symbol to tell us that there is danger. It is the symbol that tells us to stay out of the water. We ignore the red flags because we really want to be in a relationship. We see the flags but we still go into the water not believing that we could drown. No matter what we do we will taste the sand on the ocean floor.


Sometimes we just don't listen.


If we would we could save ourselves from all sorts of problems.


It could simply just save us.

FAT FOR RESEARCH? OH BOY!

I just love research on chronic pain.
Now it's using your own fat.
I don't know about you.
But they can have ALL of mine.

I've never had a weight problem. Well, let me rephrase that. I never had a weight problem until I hit 50. I promised my daughter that I'd quit smoking and I started going through menopause. 

Need I say more?

Let me just say that I now understand how difficult it is to lose weight. I have struggled with it since and I've adjusted my eating accordingly, however, in the last couple of years it just doesn't matter what I do. The weight will just not come off. Growing up I was the one that my girlfriends hated. They could look at food and gain weight and me? I ate noodles with butter at midnight and never gained an ounce. I went away to school and instead of gaining the freshman 15, I lost it.

This sucks.

When I first got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia the doctor wanted to put me on Lyrica. Now, I'm one of those annoying people that refuse to follow doctor's orders. I want to research it first and then I'll decide if it will work for me. So, I googled Lyrica. No fricking way would I take that. The first side effect was weight gain. I've got enough trouble without adding to it. It's bad enough feeling like a stuffed sausage let alone having to be in pictures looking like one.

My self esteem was in the toilet anyway. I mean.........I don't want to look 20 again. Women that Botox and face lift  themselves until they become aliens.....well, it doesn't appeal to me. I don't mind a few wrinkles on my forehead or a couple of lines around my eyes. Truth be known, I actually like it. 

I figure I've earned them.

I love seeing pictures of the quintessential matriarch. The woman that looks stately and majestic. How wonderful! Every wrinkle and line show the joys and heartaches of her life. Every deep crag shows profound wisdom and every gnarled hand reaches down to comfort the next generation. We've seen those pictures and thought that age brought that woman through everything with dignity and grace. As I look in the mirror thinking about aging gracefully I never bargained for trading the swan like grace of my neck for the wonderful waddle of a turkey. 

That's enough to send me to the freezer for more Ben and Jerry's.

I still cry when I find another gray hair where there is NOT supposed to be one. I still pray that the hair I find on my face is a stray eyelash instead of the beginning of a mustache. And I still keep all my size 6 clothes in my closet praying that I will one day get into them.

I know there is not a perfect dress size. I know I shouldn't define myself by that number; but I do. I still sometimes think about the perfect dress size, the perfect abs, the perfect thighs and the perfect face. OK.......I am not putting the neck on that list.

There is the perfect neck and I miss mine desperately!

All of this came about because I saw an article about using our own body fat for stem cell therapy to treat chronic pain. Do you believe that one? One sentence and it sent me off on a tangent about body image. 

Obviously, it doesn't take much to bring me back full circle to the weight. 

Think I still have some perfection issues?

I know......I know.........it's all about the inside.

Yeah, right. 

LEANING TO LEVEL

Balance in all things.

Important.

Except when you can't see it.

When you have a chronic illness it's imperative that you rearrange your life so that stress isn't running your day. You would think that the people around you would understand that.

No such luck.

You get to a point in your life where you get tired of fighting. I don't mean a physical or verbal fight with people, I mean fighting against circumstances and struggles. There comes a point in time where you say, "enough." It's the point when you realize that you're struggling against the immovable force. 

You get tired.

You just get tired.

I think it's time, at least for me, to stop holding on to the past and move forward. Holding on just means holding back. I need to stop asking why and accept things for what they are. I can't look to the future if I'm looking over my shoulder at the past. I cannot continue to agonize over what I don't understand. I need to do just one thing. 


I need to let go.
I need to find laughter and joy.


I just have a little problem.


If laughter is the best medicine then I must be in the placebo group.

CASING THE JOINT

I feel like I'm losing my marbles.

Have you ever just had enough?

I am exhausted.

Enough.

I live in a master planned community and over the weekend they had the semi-annual community garage sale. Now, I'm not able to physically handle putting things out on the table and pricing every little thing. It comes down to  sorting, pricing and displaying all the crap that I don't want anymore.

That doesn't appeal to me at all.

However,  I brought a few things out and put it on a desk that I had in my garage. The weather was cold and windy so it actually worked out to my benefit. I decided to get rid of the numerous vases, glassware and books that have been cluttering up the house. 

I had a ton of people and actually made eighty dollars.

What I didn't bargain for was the fact that one of them was casing the joint. What is it with people? The economy is so bad that people believe that your home is a supermarket and they can come in and basically go shopping. It is unbelievable to me that people have the mindset that this behavior is an appropriate way of life.

I called my daughter and son-in-law and we spent the evening having dinner and enhancing the security around my home.

So now I'm absolutely physically and emotionally exhausted. All I had to do was walk in and see my house and the pain went crazy. I can't tell you how much I hurt right now. The stress of all this just sent the pain levels crazy. I also spent most of the night wide awake. I didn't stay awake out of fear but I was awake because my mind just wouldn't shut off. With everything else in my life going on right now, I needed this like I needed a hole in my head. 

The police, however,  did have a wonderful suggestion.

He said get a "Beware of Dog"  sign and put it on the fence.

Anyone who has seen Mr. H will be in hysterics. My little toothless wonder.........

I've always said "for two cookies you could have the house."

Apparently that's true.

HAYZELL AND THE PFAM BLOG CARNIVAL!

Help.

The four letter word.

Hayzell at Possiblism.org hosted this blog carnival and has some wonderful posts about readers thoughts on chronic illness and how the word "help" affects them. She has done a wonderful job of pulling together her thoughts and I encourage everyone to go there and read these posts.

It just may give you a new perspective on the word help.

HELP IS A FOUR LETTER WORD

Help.

It's just not for the Beatles anymore.

Why is it so easy to help others but so very difficult to ask for help ourselves? It's almost as if the very word "help" gets stuck in our throats and it's there.......it's there.........but were still not quite able to say the words. It's not just the words either. Doing for others is such a wonderful blessing. It lifts our spirits and gives meaning to our existence. 

Why then is it so difficult to accept?

Maybe it's the admission that we are not quite perfect. No one likes to admit they they don't have their lives quite in their control. Maybe the admission of needing help makes us feel weak and vulnerable. Maybe it's not the admission but the act of receiving. 

Does receiving make us feel not only weak but obligated? Or is it the imposition?

No one likes to impose on other peoples lives. Well, I shouldn't say no one. I know people that have no problem asking for anything. They can't do for themselves so they depend on other people's good will to survive. It's the ever-present drama that keeps them going. It's a drug in their veins and without it they feel meaningless. If life isn't high intensity or high drama then they feel the need to create it.

I just wouldn't want to be lumped into that category.

I guess we all sell ourselves short at times. The people I know, the friends and family, would probably drop everything to help me. They wouldn't find it an imposition, they would do it out of love.  Now I'm rambling but maybe it's the outpouring of unconditional love that's hard to accept. It's beautiful, amazing and very humbling. 

In real estate I used to break everything down to the ridiculous. Maybe that's what I'm doing here. If I break it down far enough I might be able to find the reason it's so difficult to accept help. 

So let's keep breaking it down.

Humbling. 

Accepting help is humbling so if that's the case then it's pride that keeps us from asking. We portray ourselves in a certain way. We all have this idea of our "image." Suddenly we find that image crumbling and there is a sense of shame that follows. Going to the great lengths that we do to maintain our own personal pride is counter productive to our health. 

Imposing. 

We don't want to inconvenience others so if that's the case we don't feel worthy to accept help from others.

So is that it? 

We have too much pride and don't feel worthy of the help?

There's an old saying. If you see a turtle on top of the fence post, you know he had some help. I think the idea is to look at help in a different manner. If help makes you feel weak then don't look at it like that.

We all need support to get where we are going in this life. Support is the pillow that we sink into at the end of the day. It gives us rest and it gives us comfort. Sometimes all the support in the world can't help us with the pain or discomfort we feel but what it can do is helps us through those times. The path that we walk on is filled with pain but the support that we receive from others can help buffer those times. We may feel out of control or weak. We may feel awkward. We may feel like an inconvenience. We may feel many things that don't fit well and feel uncomfortable.

But.

There is still one simple truth of this universe.

We can't get by without each other.

Think about it. We need others for the very physical aspects of our daily lives; our basic necessities like heat for our homes, the grocery store, gasoline.....everything we consume or need depends on other people. We need others for our emotional nurturing as well. When we came into this world we had love and comfort. We put such a high value on our own independence that we virtually trained ourselves to believe that support isn't necessary. 

When it comes right down to it I think the biggest reason we don't ask for help is because down deep we fear rejection. It comes down to rejection and vulnerability. What if we go through all of this and swallow our pride, ask for help and then we're told no.

Is it the "no" that is at the root of it all?

Maybe that's it.

We're afraid of no.

Great. 

Now I have really done it.

I've made myself afraid to raise my hand.

Hayzell at Possibilism.org is hosting the blog carnival and thanks to her for inviting me!