2015? REALLY?

Wow!

The days turn into weeks.

Turn into months.

Turn into years.

I must be getting old because time is moving much faster than I'd like. I can't believe another year has gone by. It seems like yesterday that I was reading about the calamities of Y2K and seeing the horror of 9-11. 

Where has it gone?

On the other hand, it seems like I've been in pain forever. I know that I was a person that didn't pay attention to symptoms and aches. I just don't remember that person; she's become a blur. I've always mourned that girl but as time goes on the reminder of her is diminished and the pain girl has taken her place. 

Why is that?

Is it because I've finally gone through those dreaded stages of grief and come to the acceptance phase? That doesn't sound good to me for some unknown reason. I've always been one that fought against the status quo. Is that the reason? Am I no longer fighting? That disturbs me.

So what have I written in years past? 

"First, I resolve to be a little more accepting of me. I know, I make this resolution every year but I think I need to be reminded of this every year.  OK, so I have limitations and pain kind of reminds me on a daily basis that it's there but......... 

Next, I need to be a little kinder to my body. I know that if I push I will pay but I still do it. I want to get things DONE! It's that pesky old Type A personality that has plagued me since birth that keeps coming out but..........

Also, I need to be patient and not make myself crazy because I'm frustrated. I need to stop and think "this too shall pass." No, I'm not going to get my wonderful memory back. It falls under the category of "oh well". 

What does this tell me?

It tells me that I don't listen to myself.

I shouldn't make resolutions.

And some things just don't change.

What would I tell you?

I would tell you to have a happy new year.

Let's hope for a year of peace.

Let's all be a little kinder to each other.

(ok, I stole that from Ellen)

Here's to 2015!

MERRY CHRISTMAS ETC.

It's Christmas Day.

It's windy and cold.

Need I say more?

I love Christmas. I love the season, decorating and buying presents. The rush of the malls and finding the right gifts is just part of my joy....then there's the food. 

Oops.

Fast forward.

I think I've watched The Christmas Story, The Holiday, Scrooged, Christmas Vacation and Love Actually eighty jillion times. This is the first year I didn't decorate. Heck, I didn't even pull out the tree. I spent a couple of days shopping and that was it.

Yes.

It was that bad.

So, in the spirit of the day,

I can truly say,

I hope you all have a wonderful and pain free day.

Keep the good cheer,

We will look forward to next year.

So bundle up and stay in

a little whipped cream on your chin...

That's all I've got.

Have a drink.

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah and Seasons Greetings!!

Rosemary

THE WEATHER AND THE VERY ICKY DAY

It's been cloudy,

it's been humid.

Yippee.

I continue to run my usual errands although with less frequency. To the casual observer I look like anyone else picking out vegetables at the grocery store. You will see me smile and engage in conversation. Only someone who knows me well or has a relationship with chronic pain will notice the stiffness of my shoulders as I walk or sees the slight grimace that I really try to hide as I bend over to pick up something that I will invariably drop. 

Usually, it's my keys.

It's there when I get out of bed in the morning. It tries to give me some hope that the day won't be one spent in a great deal of pain, however, by the time it's evening I know that was just a dream. It's been biding it's time, laying in wait and quietly staying in the background building to an agonizing crescendo that will prevent another night of sleep.

I know that "the experts" say weather does not impact chronic pain but I don't believe them. Not for one single minute. I knew the storm was coming a few days before it got here and with it came its best friend; the black hole. I've gotten pretty good at living with a fair amount of pain. I know it isn't going away anytime soon so on some small level I've accepted it. I do what I need to do and unless you touch me in one of the worst places on my body, my hip, I can manage.

It's when the pain progresses from voodoo pain to the OMG-make-it-stop pain that I have trouble.

Voodoo pain is the pain that I live with. I know that at any point in time someone is going to stab that little voodoo doll with a pin and I will feel a stabbing pain somewhere. If they hug and squeeze that little voodoo doll I'm going to have a dull ache all over my body. Again, this pain I've learned to handle. It's when the pain increases to whole other level; my whole body feels likes it's being compressed like a junk car that is being compressed to the size of a box of cornflakes. That voodoo doll? It's being stabbed all over....over and over again with a ferocious intensity. 

It is that pain that makes me crawl into bed.

It's that pain that turns suffering into isolation.

I'm glad I have people around me that understand and love me through it. I have to say there are times that the pain makes me wonder if this is worth it. Thank goodness it is a momentary thought that immediately goes away but it was enough to bring understanding and compassion for what others feel. Lyrica brought those thoughts and I had to stop taking it. Because of other pain issues I have to take opioids but I don't take enough pain medication to ease the pain. I only take enough to take the edge off. I'm too afraid of the power and control medication can bring and its power to destroy. I don't want to be seduced by the feeling that a pill can make it all go away. I've had a doctor give me medication that truly scared me and that was enough for me to get rid of it. I'd rather have pain than be a zombie.

So how should I spend my day? 

It's one of those cloudy, gloomy days that tends to make me introspective. I tend to think about the person I was before my introduction to chronic pain. I shouldn't go there. At all.

That's probably not the best use of my time. I can't change it so why dwell upon it? As the saying goes, "yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future and live for today, it's a gift, that's why they call it the present."  I know this but I don't understand it and I don't think I believe it. For me,  there has to be a balance between all of them. The past brought pain. It influenced the future. Which is the present. See what I mean?

Maybe I shouldn't think too much today.

Let's find something good about the weather.

Hmmmm.....

Well, at least it's good for your skin.....

Nope.

Didn't work.

THE MAGICAL TIN FOIL CURE FOR PAIN

I'll admit.

I can be a tad gullible.

But this?

No way.

For those of us who have been lucky enough to have been inducted in the Chronic Pain Hall of Fame, I have stumbled upon a treatment that is easy, inexpensive and "WORKS!"

Can't you just feel the sarcasm?

This treatment involves isolating the painful point on your body and then covering it with tin foil. You should cover the painful point and keep it there all day and night for 12 days. Then take a break for ten days and repeat as necessary.

The tin foil has an anti-inflammatory effect. 

Really?

Now, I didn't find a lot of information about this and I'm not surprised. Let's look at this logically. We would have to make ourselves into the modern day mummy and totally wrap our entire bodies in foil. Most of us can't isolate a few spots that have pain. That fact alone makes this "treatment" unrealistic. Can't you just see wrapping yourself in foil from head to toe??

When I was sixteen someone told me that I could evade radar if I put tin foil in my hubcaps. So, what did I do?  I stuffed my hubcaps with the stuff and took off down the street. Speed limit? What speed limit?

Everything went well until I heard the sirens and saw flashing lights do a u-turn in my rear view mirror. Well, I did what any sixteen year old would do. I took off down the streets. To my credit, I lost the cops. I was lucky enough to find a detached garage with the door open. My niece and I hid in there until we were sure the danger had passed. 

Very slowly, I made my way home.

I just forgot ONE, TEENSY-WEENSIE little fact. My father had put my name on a personalized license plate. Fortunately, back then, Las Vegas was kind of like the wild west. By the time I got home the cops had already filled in my dad. Trust me, I would have preferred dealing with the police than my father.

I lost my keys and got grounded.

Last time I believed that tin foil could be the answer to my problems.

I can't believe I fell for it the first time.

So when I saw this.....

ask me if I believed it.

NOT A CHANCE.

The tin foil cure

THE THANKSGIVING CONUNDRUM 2014

Well, I've done it again.

Just when I thought I wouldn't.

I just couldn't help myself.

Every year I say the same thing. I promise myself that I will NOT overdo it. Funny part is that I really believe it when I tell myself that I will take things slow and easy.

Right.

It's Thanksgiving Eve and I've spent the last two days getting my portion of the dinner prepared. 

And I hurt.

Like holy you-know-what.

I hesitate to say that the cold weather has set in. Cold......in the 50's. I know....I know....the rest of the country would love this weather! Still, it makes me hurt. I've been the tin man in search of an oil can. I know that I shouldn't say anything about the weather. Those in the midwest and the east would gladly trade places with me. 

I still say that a comfy bed is the way to go. You can do all sorts of things from there and I can attest to that! Grocery lists, ordering the delivery service, and hey, they can even cook the turkey. (You still have to have someone pick it up.) 

If you are of the I-can-do-it-myself persuasion try to keep the food prep reasonable. Just because it seems like it's not enough, trust me....it is. We will end up having enough food to feel a small country. Buster has been hanging around the kitchen waiting for the scraps to fall. He took off with one of the sweet potatoes! No! It is NOT A TOY!!! Well...that potato goes in the trash. The running around the house trying to get the sweet potato away from him didn't help and it certainly didn't help when I had to reach under the bed with a bacon strip to get him to relinquish the potato.

Great. 

I've started sucking down pain medication already......

Even though all of this is in fun, we should be thankful for what we do have. It truly could be a lot worse. This year I lost a fibro friend to multiple myeloma. It brought home how fragile this life is. As I stop for a moment to give thanks for my many blessings I will also remember to ask for comfort for those who have lost loved ones. 

So tomorrow it's off to the outlaws for our Thanksgiving dinner. I'm especially thankful that a comfy chair is waiting for me. Since it is a football day, I can wear those wonderful sweats. I had to remember to wear a team sweatshirt to feel legit. 

Last year I said that I had practiced my exhausted-from-cooking look?

This year?

I won't have to practice.

Still, we should be thankful for something. 

I'm thankful for my family and friends.

I'm thankful for all the blessings in my life.

And I'm thankful for you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

WHY SHOULD WE CARE ABOUT KRATOM?

What is it?

How is it used?

Is it safe?

I don't know.

I wrote this about Kratom a couple of years ago and it seemed that it's a good time to bring it up again.

I was reading about the latest thing to pop up about painkillers. People on forums and Facebook have been talking about it.

And they've been trying it.

Ok....first things first. What is it? Kratom is from a tree or, more specifically, the leaves from the mitragyna speciosa tree. The trees are indigenous to Southeast Asia and have been used in traditional medicine for centuries. Thailand has banned its use and there are several states where Kratom is also banned. It's been used in the management of chronic pain and it behaves like morphine. 

The DEA lists Kratom as a drug of concern.

One thing they did find was that Kratom helped the withdrawal symptoms of opioid dependence. When Kratom was quit suddenly the side effect was diarrhea and a runny nose. Considering what the withdrawal symptoms of narcotics can be I would think that Kratom would be studied. 

The other thing is that Kratom doesn't have the respiratory depression that opioid have. When you have a medication that helps pain without the risk of overdose it sounds like it should be studied. Why haven't the pharmaceutical companies looked at it?

Or have they? GlaxoSmithKline looked at it in the 60's but nothing came of it. Let's face it, something must be off either in the delivery or the drug itself. They could make a ton considering the opioid problem in this country. 

It can cause drowsiness, fatigue, nausea and stomach discomfort and constipation. It has the potential for abuse when you exceed the recommended dosage. If you decide to use this be very sure that it won't interact with medications that you are taking or have taken. Be very careful. Just make sure you research it very carefully before you make your decision. 

Is it addictive?

I don't think anyone knows.

There are animal studies that show that a tolerance can be built up over time.

And the directions state it can be habit forming.

That kind of signals addictive to me.

But what do I know?


DEA INFORMATION ON KRATOM

DR. SEAN MACKEY ......AN UPDATE ON FIBRO

There are times that we feel left behind.

Some doctors don't believe us.

Some people don't believe us.

Sometimes we don't believe us.

Go here.

I only wish I could go to Stanford. 

But it does give one hope.

There really are physicians that "get it."

OUR HALLOWEEN MASKS

Masks. 

Halloween.

Chronic Pain.

The perfect trifecta.

It's so true that we disguise ourselves. Whether we have a chronic illness or not we usually never tell the truth when someone asks how we are. I mean, who really answers the question when someone asks how you are? It's really bad when you have chronic pain.

"How are you doing today?"

Not good.

All I want to do is sleep.

I'm in huge, big time, pain.

My hands hurt.

My head hurts.

My back hurts.

I'm not sleeping real well.

My whole body hurts.

Every bone in my body hurts.

I ache.

I'm tired.

I feel horrible.

I can't seem to get out of bed.

I can't concentrate real well today.

What did you say?

After a while no one wants to hear it anymore.

Let me clue you in on a little fact.

After a while we don't want to say it anymore either.

So we say:

I'm okay.

Or we fake a smile.

I'm just a little tired.

Or we fake a smile.

It could be worse.

Or we fake a smile.

Today's not a real good day.

Or we fake a smile.

Or we burst into tears.

And we still try to fake a smile.

Or better yet....we just don't say anything.

We mask it.

Anyway, we disguise how we feel. We disguise the pain that we feel. We disguise the guilt that we feel. We disguise the depression. We disguise the lack of sleep. We disguise the embarrassment over feeling sick yet again. We disguise the forgetfulness. We disguise everything.

It's funny how Halloween brings to mind the nature of chronic illness because we wear masks almost daily. 

We have to stop and take off the masks.

Because.

We don't want to be a mask.

A mask with a beating heart.

STOP, DROP AND PUT IT IN NEUTRAL

It's been well documented that our physical and emotional wellness intersect. We need management tips and we need them bad because, let's face it, there are days that everything is just overwhelming. Everything we read tells us to sleep and get rid of the stress in our lives. What happens when we just can't seem to do that? 

The one thing we don't want to hear is the rest, move and sleep platitudes. Like I said, very good things but those words tend to really irritate us especially when we are really hurting. We would do those things if we could. Don't compound the situation by telling us what we already know. 

So?

Stress makes us crazy. That old pesky fight or flight light that goes off and sends cortisol running through our body.  I remember the feeling. My muscles would tighten and my heart would beat faster. It seems like your senses are sharper. I thought I would thrive in that environment and I loved it. However...... If chronic stress can rewire the brain then I must be really screwed up. The body needs to shut off the switch and therein lies the problem. The stress felt so normal for so long that it tends to give you a warm, fuzzy feeling but the price that you pay for that over-achieving, perfectionist, familiar feeling is a very heavy toll on your system. 

You put a bulls-eye on your back.

Put the effects of stress together with a central nervous system dysfunction that is found in Fibromyalgia and you have a recipe for disaster. We have to find a way to breathe through the stress. Do whatever it takes because we have to. Try yoga, aromatherapy, acupuncture, massage, biofeedback.....anything.....going outdoors and looking at the sky......whatever it takes to relax.

If there is a great deal of stress that is overwhelming you the best thing you can do for yourself is to take some time for you. I find that a bath is a real lifesaver in those situations. I'm one of those people that thinks a bath helps everything. Feel icky? Get in the tub. Stuffy nose? Get in the tub. Stressed? You got it......

Having said that, removing yourself from your mind isn't easy. The wheels keep turning. There has to be some way that you can shut the door and stop. Even if it's just for a few moments. Put on your headphones and listen to some of your favorite songs. Place your head on the pillow and shut your eyes. Go to the beach or to the place where you felt warm and safe and stay there for a little while. Sit outdoors and look up at the sky and just "put it in neutral."

I love that  saying.

Our support group is focused on emotional wellness this month. I really needed to hear it this month. I'm in one of "those places." What was said was so simple but it was brilliant. It was something we all can relate to and know exactly what it means.

Put it in neutral.

When you feel yourself caving and life seems stressful take that gearshift and place the car in neutral. I was amazed at how simple, effective and how much it helped. 

That's all we need to say to ourselves.

Stop.

Drop.

And put it in neutral.

As an added FYI Judith Westerfield posted about "I'm safe" on her website. Read this as well. It truly helps!!!  

THE CDC AND THE THREE STOOGES COMPARISON

OK.

I know the memes are out there.

But......

They just had one job.

One.

As far as I'm concerned; they blew it. I usually don't write political criticisms but this one I just couldn't pass up. For the record, I'm pretty independent. On social issues I lean more toward the left. On fiscal issues I'm definitely more toward the right.

Having said that.

There is no right or left where public health is concerned. 

These poor nurses put their lives on the line to care for Mr. Duncan. I don't care what he knew or when. That's a policy issue that I'm not writing about at this time. From what I've read it was a total circle jerk in that hospital. First, let's blame the overworked ER doctor that obviously didn't read the CDC bulletin hidden somewhere in a break room that he used to catch an hours worth of sleep. 

Then to hear the CDC blame poor Nurse 1 and Nurse 2. For once I had to appreciate the congressional hearings. They made them sound like Dr. Seuss' Thing one and Thing two. The senator from Missouri was right.

Let's show them a little respect. Who knows what kind of chaos reigned in that hospital. If the media is to be believed it sounded terrible. Hazardous waste littered all over the place? Sending blood samples through the pneumatic tube? 

I have some questions.

With the type of infectious agent that Ebola seems to be why wasn't that apartment stripped of all hazardous material immediately. Why was the vomit scrubbed days later? Why wasn't he isolated at the mere mention of Ebola for the sake of caution? Ms. Pham and Dr. Wendy Chung were at his bedside about three hours before the tests confirmed Ebola. Now, as much as I admire her being on the front lines, that was ludicrous. Why was food delivered to the apartment by someone not even wearing a mask?

Then, watching the congressional hearings, my mouth just dropped open. My mind is just spinning. Speaking of spinning, that's what I watched. You tell me that the CDC can effectively monitor these people that come into the country from affected regions. Again, I'm not in panic mode but they can't do the one job they had right and you tell me they can keep this under control? He couldn't even say for certain that Ms. Vinson was told she could fly. All I heard was a prepared statement being read that sounded like legal was standing over their shoulder prompting them what to say.

Again, who's on first?

Yes, hospitals are under state control but a health crisis such as Ebola demands certain practices. One of them should have been that people from the CDC should have gotten off their ass and been at the hospital to make sure they were equipped with proper protective gear and shown how to properly disrobe from that gear so that they couldn't be exposed to any contaminant.

Is it any wonder that the public has no faith in what they're telling us? I'm not seeing Ebola around every corner but, at least, tell us the truth. I hate bureaucratic spin. Let's blame everyone else. It was their fault. They did something wrong. If that was the case....where the hell were they? Issuing emails and faxes??? Cmon.......

I hate cover your ass protocol.

And that's what I saw at the hearings.

God Bless Ms. Pham and Ms. Vinson.

That's all I can say.

I just pray that no one else gets caught up in this storm.

But, I doubt it.

I think more will come.

500 POSTS AND COUNTING

500.

I can't believe it.

Thank you.

When I first started blogging it was mainly for me. It was a way to find out what was going on in my body and also as kind of a journal. Writing has always been therapeutic for me so when I got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia I wanted to know as much as I could and keep track of what I learned. Little did I know what "I really do miss myself" and subsequently, "Seeking Equilibrium" would turn out to be. It's a place where I would "meet" some of the most wonderful friends I've had the privilege to have in my life.

Isn't it wild to have friends you've never met face to face?

And yet they are.

I've met CDT's (canine dog therapists) and their humans. I've met wonderful people in New York, North Carolina and Washington State. I've met wonderful people in Canada and England! We've never met face to face but I can assure you that we've met heart to heart. We have different backgrounds but a shared common purpose. We have different challenges that we've faced before in our lives but we have the same challenges that we continue to face. We have different life experiences but we have the same desire to go back to the life we once knew.

I've learned that we are not alone in this fight. 

I have found so many joys in blogging. Not only have I been able to open myself up and write about experiences that are either depressing or embarrassing but I've also been able to open up and ask for help. That, for me, is huge. I enjoy looking for new comments because feedback is wonderful.

You know what's funny? 

You start something for you and then someone comments. 

Then they follow you. 

All of a sudden you realize it hasn't been for you all along. 

What a blessing.

Onward...........''

THE POSTER CHILDREN FOR PAIN

A Medscape Article.

It was long.

But I read it to the end.

And this is what I found!

On September 17, 2014 Medscape published an interview with Dr. Daniel Clauw and Dr. Phillip Mease. The article was long and usually I just skim over because my attention span just hasn't been above the gnat stage lately. I ended up reading it to the end and there were some interesting gems in there. 

And then on page four Dr Clauw mentions a free Fibro Guide.

It is truly worth it to check it out. 

Did you know that they feel that we are the poster children for a centralized pain state? I have to say these doctors are very knowledgable and balanced. They recognize the need for a medical and non-medical approach to managing the symptoms of Fibromyalgia. 

They also mention that any therapy will not alleviate symptoms entirely. 

I encourage you to read the article and I'm putting the link at the bottom. 

The Fibro guide??

Invaluable.

Fibromyalgia: The latest in diagnosis and care.

Fibro Guide

THE PLAGUE AND SHOES APPROXIMATION

WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?
The plague.

I went out a couple of weeks ago. I was actually feeling pretty good! I was feeling so good that I wore my black heels. The heels that were my mainstay. The heels I could run in and not trip. The heels I desperately missed.  The heels that came off the minute I walked in the door.

Then I got the plague.

There's an icky virus going around.

It's a cross between the flu and a really bad cold. 

And it doesn't go away.

Believe it or not, I've had this for a month. It started out as a sore throat and I went downhill rapidly from there. I bought all the packages of Chloroseptic that CVS had in stock. After a week of fevers coming and going and feeling like crapola I broke down. I went to the doctor. 

So, between the plague and the fibro...

This feels like the worst flu (without the stomach stuff) that you could ever imagine. Except it doesn't go away. All you want to do is go to bed and put the covers over your head. Everything hurts and aches. Kinda sounds like Fibromyalgia doesn't it? You wish it would disappear. (Just like the Fibro!) I've watched every crap show on Direct TV that I could find. I'm bored and my attitude is in the toilet. Please, please go away and take this stuffy and alternately runny nose and hacking cough with it. It's hard enough to sleep at night. Waking up every hour because of coughing just doesn't make it easier. So.....here I go chugging Robitussin all night. (hey doesn't dextromethorphan help the pain of Fibromyalgia????)

The antibiotics make me feel worse than I already felt. I don't do well on certain ones and now, it seems, I can add another one to the list.  First, you have to eat when you take them otherwise they tear up your stomach. That is a killer for me in the morning. I try to eat a piece of toast but I just don't like to eat when I first wake up. I only want my coffee and diet coke.  After I take the antibiotic, I'm so tired that I just want to crawl back in bed. I can't hold my eyes open and I just feel lousy. Sick and tired.

After a week of this something doesn't feel right. I should be getting better. This just can't be right. I call the doctor and he agrees. The first set of antibiotics didn't do the trick. I had to go back for a second helping. Yep.....let's change the antibiotics. Now, I'm starting ANOTHER seven days of medication. I have to be on the antibiotics because it's gone into a bronchial infection and he's worried about pneumonia. Yippee. 

What do I hate the most about this? I look terrible. My nose looks like a clown nose. Every touch of a Kleenex makes it even worse.  I think I've gone through 10 boxes in the past week. My face is red, my eyes are watery,  my nose is red, my cough is icky and my bones ache. My hair is hanging and I've worn the same t-shirt to bed for a week. I stopped looking in the mirror a few days ago. I'm breathing in essential oils that helps my breathing. Poor little Buster, he stays right by me and won't go out until I get out of bed. 

The fibromyalgia makes our bodies feel lousy on a daily basis. 

So what does this do? 

My favorite saying......

Add a tiara.

Hmmmm......a clown nose and a tiara......

I don't think the circus would take me right now. 

Bleh......

I'm feeling too lousy to change my sheets...

I'm feeling too lousy to change my t-shirt.

I'm feeling too lousy to do much of anything.

Snoopy had it right......