JAWS

I'm watching Jaws.

Life was a whole lot simpler in 1975.

We were watching the movie and commenting in 1975 we didn't have cell phone mania. Technology was lacking and we actually didn't sit in front of the TV constantly. We were on the move. If we wanted to see a movie we went to the theatre. The 400 DVDs I currently have in my collection wasn't even a thought or a remote possibility. If I had been told that I'd have that many movies sitting in my home at one time I'd have thought I was crazy. Either that or living in excess.

I remember that I couldn't wait to see this movie. My cousin Phillip did the set decoration and that was the talk of the family. He was SO cool. I remember seeing him when I was in school and I always loved him. He had the greatest stories. It was rumored that he was gay. In the 70's that wasn't a subject that anyone spoke about. Well, not in my family anyway. Phillip was just "that way." He got the academy award for his set direction for Close Encounters of the Third Kind. We were so proud of him. He loved his work but was very secretive about his life. The pressure he must have lived under trying to contain his sexuality from his family. Very sad.

Life was simpler back then. No one was immediately accessible. I rather like that. It's disconcerting to be standing in a doctors office and hearing the trials and tribulations of another's life. I think we all get to hear more than we need to or, for that matter, want to. We walk in stores and people are on their cells. Anywhere we go people are speaking about their lives in public. Is there really a need or is there anything that is so immediate that we need to discuss it while grocery shopping? Bluetooth has us all looking like we're walking around talking to ourselves.

I'm just as guilty as anyone but there are times when a glimpse of the past rolls around that we think about the quality of life. What was better? Then or now? Progress has been wonderful but sometimes I like the thought of living in a time when the cell phone wasn't joined at my hip.

For now I'll watch the movie and smile that they were panic stricken because Quint beat the crap out of their only method of communication. It would have been simpler if he could have gotten on his cell and called the coast guard.

But then it wouldn't have been much of movie would it?

MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL

He was obsessed with the perfect relationship.

He needed adoration.

He is a skilled and accomplished chameleon.

I don't know why I still need answers. There aren't any. The fights were always my fault so that he could cover his guilt. He has this obsession with fantasy so one woman will never be enough. We are imperfect people and so there will come a day when reality begins to seep into the relationship and that will be enough for the secrecy to begin.

I'll bet I can write the script.

He'll stay on the phone until he hears the buying signs. He'll wait for your concern. He'll hear when he's hooked you because he's trained for that. The phone is his greatest asset. If he tells you he used to write the scripts for telephone sales, believe it and listen. He is telling you how he's going to hook you. He'll use cute phrases like, "I'm going to the couch now," or "you've been with the rest and now you're with the best." He'll call you sweetheart and act like the concerned gentleman. He'll encourage sassy repartee and then call you a smart ass.

When you open up and tell him how you feel or how much you enjoy talking to him he'll respond with "ditto."  One little powerful word isn't it?

Make no mistake; he's looking for a stooge wrapped up in a smart woman's body.

His insatiable appetite; first for your body then for your soul.

Just remember. When you start getting real he'll start getting bored. He needs the constant buzz to validate his masculinity.

He needs the emotional high that every conquest brings. Whatever it takes to close the deal he will do. He doesn't have any restraints or boundaries concerning his relentless pursuits of the buzz. He will forever cheat on his spouse or girlfriend (or both as the case may be) justifying his actions because they didn't keep him entertained. He has no regard or care of the damage he causes in his quest for gratification.

He loves a challenge and will tell you that he brings the thrill to the party. Oh, by the way, he loves that phrase too. He'll tell you he brings a lot to the party.

Oh yeah.

Get the party hats out now.

He'll tell you that you have a beautiful smile and he'll tell you sweet dreams. He will tell you he doesn't trust very easily but that he trusts you and that you can trust him without question. He'll call you his cutie petutie. He'll tell you that he's been thinking about you. 


He will ply you with words until you're jelly.

He will convince you that the previous women in his life mistreated him and took him for granted. With those words he'll have you eating out of his hand. He'll tell you that you'll never know what he'll do next. He'll dedicate songs to you (probably something with Michael Jackson or Maureen McGovern) and you'll think he's the most romantic man in the world.

When you finally open up and tell him how you feel he will tell you that those are the most beautiful words that anyone has ever said to him. Very gradually you'll see sexual innuendo creep into the conversation and then it will get stronger. He'll tell you, "you have no idea of what I want to do to you." That will be the whipped cream (and yes, that will be mentioned as well) on top. You will be too besotted with the image that he's built for you that you don't see the real man. 


Oh, you will see glimpses of it but you won't believe it.

You'll open your heart and spill the triumphs and sorrows that this life gives all of us. You'll share your heartaches and your hurts. If he slips up he'll modify his approach so that you'll buy into the image even more and he can congratulate himself on how good he is at the game. It's called getting you to ask how many are in the box. It's an old boiler room game and it's structuring the conversation so you'll ask and then buy.

He is so charming. You'll constantly second guess yourself thinking that you must be crazy when the numbers don't start to add up. Even when you confront him he'll deny, deny, deny. I'll give him this.....he's good at it.

Just remember this:

He'll ALWAYS have a Plan B.

PERSONALITY LIPO

Well, I got my blood test results. The very little but important gland is acting up again and it seems intent on playing havoc with my system. It has sucked the life and personality out of me. For a long time I didn't know who I was. Now, even that is gone. I'm passing through this life on flat line. BORING.

I love it when the "normal" range is somewhere between 2-34. That's a pretty good range and most people will fall somewhere in between those two numbers. I guess because I've never been "normal" my numbers wouldn't be either.

Try 1000.

Now I'm not a doctor but when the high side of normal is 34 and you are at 1000 it's a pretty safe bet that something not good is afoot.

My emotions have been all over the place and I'm not bipolar. I would guess it's my thyroid and my bodies rejection of it.

Something has to be done because even though I'm making light of it, having your thyroid gland that far out of whack and then your body attacking it at the same time ISN'T GOOD. I've always been a fan of natural and bio-identical medications along with conventional medicine but this time I'm going conventional all the way.

I've tried the bio-identical and paid through the nose for it, however, it's done nothing. In fact, I think I'm getting worse. Well, I don't think; I know. I'm 400 points worse than I was in June. What's in these pills? Since I don't know I'm going to take it to my internist and have them prescribe something I can track. I'm all for natural but when it comes to something that regulates so many important functions in your body, I'm going to the tried and true.

I get tired of feeling like crap but I've dealt with that. I can deal with what I know but I can't deal with what I don't know.

I've felt different and that frightens me.

So it's off to another set of doctors. I'm not searching for what I want to hear. I don't care about that. I want someone to tell me what the hell is going on and be competent. That's all I ask

Is that too much to ask?

I'M BACK

I haven't been up to writing. It isn't that I don't want to it's just that I want to take this in another direction and I'm not quite sure which direction to go.

Well, east is always nice.

Anyway, I still haven't started this bio identical thyroid medication and I'm not sure I'm going to. I did not do well on it and I wonder if my feelings were due to toxicity. I think it was too much for me and, to be honest, I'm a little sick of this bio identical stuff. I don't know what's in it and I don't know how this medication was compounded and under what conditions. I don't know what's in it and that is a concern for me also.

I didn't feel weird (other than the normal weird) before these medications and I really think I'm going back to the conventional arena and accentuate it with the holistic. I need the comfort of conventional medications and diagnosis. So, I will be taking all the reports and blood work to my doctor and let her make the determination.

Well, it's dream time. I'm going to lay my head on the pillow and pray that the alpha wave intrusion doesn't rear it's ugly head tonight.

So for now........

sweet dreams.

MORE SUCKY NEWS

OK, I start the thyroid medication. I was started out slow and gradually worked up to a stronger dose. When I got to the third level I started feeling weird. I got shortness of breath and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I got back to the doctor and now I'm not to take the medication. I will be going back to the lower dosage and let's see how that works. I want this to start to get better.

She was insistent that my stress level be managed. She reiterated that I am sick. She kept trying to get through to me that the Fibromyalgia coupled with chronic fatigue and topped off with the thyroid makes for a very sick woman.

I tend to be in denial. I do not want to believe that I'm this sick little woman. I hate that label. I don't want to be sick and I don't want to believe that my life has limitations. Unfortunately she made it abundantly clear that I was to rest. I was to eliminate things and people that bring stress to my life. She gave me a wonderful prediction. If I don't do what she says she'll give me a few months before I really crash out. Great.

I haven't told many people about the Fibro. It's back to the "you don't look sick" syndrome. We don't want people to use this when we feel so terrible but then we use it on ourselves. I just don't know what to do about it all.

I'll do what she says and try to rest. I'll leave my body image alone. I'll leave my old life behind and try not to miss it too much. I'll keep saying over and over that I need to shrug it off. I won't sweat the small stuff.

I have to many large stuffs to manage to worry about anything else. It will all work itself out in time.

Time. Time Time,

Look what's become of me................

Great song.