BEHIND BROWN EYES

It's 2012.

How am I looking at the world?

Through the eyes of 2008.

I thought about making resolutions. I really did, however, I never really keep them. I can come up with all sorts of improvements that I can make to my life and I think that's a good thing to do, however,  I've realized that I'm more of the idea man.

The follow-up,on the other hand, isn't my strong suit.

I usually end up forgetting my resolve so this year I came up with an idea that I know will work. It's simple, easy and doesn't take a whole lot of effort.

I'm not making any resolutions.

This year I finally got "me." If I say I'm going to lose weight or eat healthier, I know those ideas will go by the wayside within the first couple of weeks. I am not good at setting arbitrary goals. I need to make them more broad based. I looked in the mirror and decided I wanted to look better in my clothes. If I'd made a goal to lose some weight I would have failed. It's like quitting smoking. When I was 50 I'd promised my daughter that I would quit smoking. If I'd told myself that I could never have another cigarette I'd never have quit. I always said that if I wanted one I could: I just chose NOT too.That seems to be my trigger. I just choose not to do something.

That seems to work for me in all areas except one.

I can't choose not to be in pain. I can't choose to forget the fatigue. I wish I could. I can occupy my time but the twins (pain and fatigue) are always with me to some degree. The exercise that is supposed to help control the pain: doesn't. I know what the articles say but I can say with an air of certainty that isn't the case. Well, at least in my case.

So I'm peering out into the world of 2012 with caution. I'll admit that my vision has been slightly askew since 2008. I'm not into acceptance and I don't know if I ever will be. I don't know how to be chronically ill and I don't think that I want to know how to be chronically ill. Passive acceptance has never been my thing. I know that I can't change the fact that I have a chronic illness. I know that I have to manage symptoms and maintain some sort of discipline over my body. I know that I have limitations. 


I know that the mind can do many things. It can heal and it can hurt but a calm acceptance to achieve some sense of nirvana just doesn't work for me. I've let go of the small stuff and I've let go of some of the "big stuff" but letting go of everything of my will to fight wouldn't fit my personality. For me acceptance means rolling over and letting the Fibromyalgia take front and center. It means I've embraced my limitations.

I just can't do that.

I'm still looking out with cautious eyes.

If the Mayans are right.

It won't matter anyway.

I'm just not going to watch 2012 coming up on the movie channel.