Wednesday, December 30, 2009


Does it ever stop?

For the past few weeks I've been paralyzed. Again. 

And again. 

And again. 

I can feel myself being sucked down the rabbit hole and the dementers have taken my happiness. I feel cold. I just want to shut myself away. 

This isn't anything new. This has been happening to me off an on since my father died. All of a sudden my idyllic life was shattered and I realized that I was not immortal and that life could go away at a moments notice. It's a part of me that I kept buried underneath my laughter and a smile. I have never liked too many people knowing me too well. That "knowing" is only reserved for a select few. Some think they know me well but they have no idea that they've encountered the wall. They have no idea what's behind it and they never will.

The problem now is that since my accident nothing can be controlled. This is the same accident that is causing the pain of Fibromyalgia that has plagued my body for the last year and a half. This is the same accident that caused the pain in my lower back to spin into hyper-drive. This is the same accident that has caused my body to be on an out-of-control roller coaster and this is the same accident that the attorney's and my Fibromyalgia doctor say has done nothing to me. The pain, the headaches, emotional distress, I guess, is my imagination.

It comes on slowly. I start to notice that the smile doesn't quite reach my eyes. I have to reach into my stage presence and become the actor when I speak with people. I find myself not wanting to leave my house and resenting the fact that I have a profession that requires an intimate interaction with people. A new home salesperson has to reach a prospect on a gut level so they trust enough to open up to you about their needs. You won't reach anyone if the look on your face says, "I hurt like hell and I really don't give a s**t whether you're here or not." 

I also don't want this depression to affect my daughters joy. I especially don't want to worry her either. I don't have enough money left to go into therapy which I'm feeling that I need more and more every day. I still have a problem admitting this weakness to anyone. It's a little black raincloud that follows me about and just numbs me out. Sometimes in the back of my mind I wonder if it's all worth it and THAT scares me. I've never had that feeling before. Ever. My confidence has gone away and I'm in an emotional coma. I don't think I could make a decision on anything right now and I hide behind the Scarlett O'Hara syndrome: I'll think about it tomorrow. I don't know which  tomorrow will bring me out of all this so I can start dealing with everything that I'm facing right now, but, I can't do anything about that either. 

I know that sleep will be elusive. I crave it and can't have it. I look in the mirror and hate my face, my body and my hands.

I'm in the black hole and there's only a little bit of light so I can see. I know this is temporary but each descent into the black hole goes deeper and stays longer since this blasted accident. It's total b.s. that this has done nothing to me. I may have had minor symptoms before but it's different now. If I was close to the edge of the cliff before, the accident threw me off of that same cliff. I'm battered and bruised but I have to find some strength to face these emotional demons and banish them to never never land.

I'm just so glad that there is still light in the midst of the darkness.


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