Saturday, October 31, 2009


Look whats become of me.

I can't believe it!

Where has this year gone?

It could be that I've spent most of this year in a pain-induced brain fog followed by a mother of a fibromyalgia flare up. I don't know how I got here or when but the year is gone already. Oh my. The weather has turned and I'm back to rubbing my cold, aching hands. Actually, today, my whole body is aching again and it's not just a dull ache.

Voodoo pain is back. With a vengeance.

It's been touch and go. I just want one week where I'm not taking up residence in a doctors office. I would like to have more good days than bad days and I don't want to have to take Lyrica to get there. Between the thyroiditis and the inactivity of the fibro my metabolism is in a coma and it won't take very much to have it kick the bucket completely. All I need is a medication that shows one of it's main side effects is weight gain.

No thank you.

I really am trying to be thankful even though I sound like I'm being a kvetch. ( you gotta love yiddish ) I really do have a part of the brain that knows it could be worse. It's just this self-image thing that keeps popping up when I see the 25 pounds on my body in the mirror. That will kill me every time. I know I'm not perfect but I want to be my criteria of perfect and that means taking off this weight that is now plaguing my soul.

Does everyone else feel the way I do? It would be nice to know that I'm not crazy and whining and moaning for nothing. Fibromyalgia is sneaky. Fairly good one day and crashing the next. I wish it would make up it's mind.

So for now as the fall returns and the year is coming to an end I can look forward to the holidays and spending time with the people I love and pray that next year I will have more good days than bad ones.

I need to get the doctor off the speed dial.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


All I know is when you have coffee, diet cokes, tea, celery, chicken and a little bit of sweet potato roasted with olive oil and salt and pepper YOU SHOULD LOSE SOME WEIGHT.

I know one of the side effects of hypothyroidism and the Hashimoto's thyroiditis is difficulty in losing weight, but this is so frustrating.

What do I have to do?


Diets suck.

This sucks.

Sunday, October 25, 2009


Sometimes you feel like you're a prisoner in your own body. You don't know where the pain is originating from. You can't pinpoint it.

It is always there.

Some days are better than others. The trigger points are so tender to the touch. I would have never believed it. Everything hurts to be touched. I feel like there is an extreme amount of pressure when I'm hardly being touched at all and ALL of them hurt.

I guess my central nervous system is on hyper-drive. Great. Just one more thing that's haywire. I can handle the dull ache. Pain medication seems to take the edge off that. It's the migrating voodoo pain that jumps up and slaps you in the face that I find so life altering. You just start to act "normal" (which I've never been) and the pain decides you need a gentle reminder of what your new life is to be. This I find hard to accept.

What I find fascinating is that accident or trauma can trigger this disease. This makes sense, at least in my case. I could handle my back pain before the crash. I always knew that once or twice a year my back would twinge and I'd be laid up a week. No problem. Since this accident a year and a half ago, something changed. My work life and personal life could no longer be "handled." I've felt different and everything has fallen apart.

The brain fog, the constant pain makes working with contracts impossible. I have to read and re-read. I forget things and that is not a real impressive attribute for a sales agent to have. It's the feeling of always being off balance. It's trying to smile so no one knows that you're ready to scream from the pain. It's always wanting to be normal when you're feeling anything but. This is already an invisible disease and to constantly make explanations about how you feel is so draining. Then to top it all off you constantly hear, "well I'm tired too," or "just get up and move around and you'll feel better."

The problem is that the domino was tripped when I got hit and NOTHING has been the same since. I've spent fortunes on doctors and tests and tests and more tests. The last round of blood work clocked in at over $6000.00. I can't continue like this and wait for a group of insurance doctors to decide whether I was "really" disabled while working at my former company. Oh yes, I love watching my career go down the toilet along with any money that I had left after all these months not working. Yep, it's just all fun and games.

I'm at a crossroads and I guess I'll find out which way I have to go.

I've never been good at directions.

Saturday, October 24, 2009


I think that certain people can make you sick.

Really physically sick.

I think people put forth a vibe that causes you to react physically. In the same vein certain people comfort you, can cause all kinds of physical reactions so if they can cause good chemical reactions why not the opposite?

I've met people that make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. They give off a really creepy and scary vibration.

I've met people that say they love you but you physically know that's not the truth. Your body reacts and if you listen to it you can learn a great deal about people. We have a sixth sense that we should let come through. Is it a perception of a fleeting expression that we didn't even know we noticed? There are plenty of phrases that describe these kinds of feelings. Pain in the neck, gut feeling, hot under the collar or gave me the heebie-jeebies just to name a few. These are illustrations of actual feelings that can occur when first meeting people.

Intuition comes from deep within us. Is it just our brain rapidly going through our internal file cabinet and reaching a decision based on something or someone in our past that gave us a similar reaction? Do we have understanding or just feel the emotion?

I've had feelings about people since I was a young girl. I've had emotional responses to people and places. One of the spookiest was in Omaha and Elmwood Park. I had a chilling response to a certain place and made my date leave the area. We found out the next day someone had been killed in the park. Coincidence? I've had that feeling a couple of times and I've learned to listen to those feelings.

I don't know whether it's intuition or having certain traits of an empath. I do know that people do open up to me and end up saying, "I don't know why I've told you the things I did. I don't do that with anybody." Is that an empath? I know that I can feel the emotions from people and can tap into them. I don't know if that's what I am but I know I can feel what is going on with people. Is it the gift of discernment?

Sometimes in a relationship I've stayed when it was just an emotional tap. I do believe those types of relationships can make you physically ill. It just drains your body until your immune system is compromised. Staying in stressful situations or around people that stress you will just wear down your body.

I think we need to be still and listen to what our minds and our bodies are trying to tell us.

It could save us from heartache.

It could save us from illness.

It could just save us.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


We all have experiences that have shaped us. Some are good, some are not. We look back on the ones have hurt us. We will do anything to keep that hurt dead and buried. It's a good thing to look back with the proper perspective. We should look at it as if we were advising someone else. It's only possible if we can remain indifferent. One positive note is that it is the acknowledgement of these things that keep us safe in the present. It makes us more cautious about who we trust.

If you burn your hand while playing with matches, the next time you use them you'll be very careful when you light the match.

There comes a time when you have to turn around and look at your past and decide if it's going to dictate your future. We can't do anything about the past experiences that we had but we can do something about today. Some of the problem is that everything is colored by the past and we don't want to test it to see if we'll still have the same reaction. So the cycle continues and the past continues to haunt us. We miss some of the joy of the present. If we keep looking at the match as something that burns us, we'll miss the warmth of the fire it makes.

So we move on and hopefully let the past stay where it belongs. In the past. My hope for myself is that I learn a little self forgiveness and stop letting the past color my present and and learn to stop second guessing my future. I should let God do what he does best and stop thinking that I know for certain what that is. I have to learn to stop kicking myself and move on. I don't have a lot of regret. I mean, I wish I hadn't done some of the things I did and I've been ashamed but regret? Not so much. After all, I have learned something from my mistakes. Hopefully, I've learned enough to not make the same mistakes twice.

Let's hope so.

Sunday, October 18, 2009




This is the second bath I've taken since I got home. For some reason the pain is out of control tonight. It's that voodoo pain that I've written about before. The pain that has the power to bring you to your knees or, in my case, curl you up in a fetal position praying for relief. I feel like I'm handcuffed by the pain and I can't break free.

It jumps up and smacks you so you know it's there, then it increases it's intensity and if that's not enough it migrates so you don't know where it will go next. This is the pain that you pray the muscle relaxers and pain medication will help. I've gone on the supplements and tried visualization. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. Since I'm so attached to my heating pad I think I'll name it Chris Pine. I know, I know.....but allow me to be a cougar if only with my heating pad!

So far no good.

I'm going try to get some sleep but then I notice it's only 8:15. How pathetic. I don't want to go to sleep this early but the only thing I can do is get in bed and curl up so that I can try to forget how much I hurt right now. I've tried to think what could have triggered an episode that came on so suddenly. I don't have any answers. This pain has a mind of its own.

I think I'll make my own weather forecast. There's a 95% chance of whining, bitching, moaning and crying due the pain front advancing from the north. Clearing whenever it feels like it. A true 5 day forecast is a complete mystery. Scattered clouds due to the brain fog clearing by morning. Increased sleeplessness and grogginess by morning.

Hopefully in the morning it will be better. See!?

I still have a shred of optimism left.

Did I say I was also a hope freak?

Saturday, October 17, 2009


It's beautiful outdoors.

A slight breeze and slight warmth. Just enough to stand outside and feel the heat seep into your bones. What I wish is that my hands would stop hurting. I need to NOT stress out over stupid things.
I looked down at them and see hands that for the first time in 30 years have short nails. I talk with my hands so seeing short, stubby nails doesn't do my disposition any good. I want so badly to go back and have nice looking hands again but I can't. To sit that long and have the process done would be excruciating and I don't have the tolerance for it. I wish for it and I want it but I just can't do it.

Why does this pain settle in my hands and feet? There is pain everywhere but I'm forever rubbing my hands. I run my hands under hot water to get some relief. I know that thyroid problems can make your extremities run hot and cold but is this a marker for Fibromyalgia also? The trigger points are a major problem because any pressure put on them at all hurts like hell. The last massage therapist said that was the only way to work out the knots that are present all over my back. Like hell it is. If she wasn't going to do a very light massage I would have left. As it was she got a little pissy because of my attitude.

Let's look at that. I live my life in constant pain. Portions of my body hurt more than others, especially the trigger points and she is telling me she has to work them out? This has to be done gently with lots of heat otherwise it will just be a scream fest.

I've done some things though. I have a visual that is my zen place. It's a 50's woman with a big smile on her face and a perfect flip to her hair. She has her head cocked to one side and the caption reads, "life is so much better now that I've realized that I just don't give a f**k." This is the visual I try to summon at will so I don't go off the deep end thinking about my health or my life for that matter. I know it could be a lot worse. I know that with my head and my heart but on a moment to moment basis it's hard to keep that in mind.

I have been called an over-reactor. Really? YA THINK??? Of course I am and so is my daughter. I only hope that once she has children this characteristic will lessen with each generation. Unfortunately, that is a pipe dream. I stress out and come unglued over the dumbest crap. Why is that? In the whole grand scheme of things does it really make a difference? I like the 10 rule. In 10 minutes, 10 hours, 10 days or 10 years will this make a difference? I can only call on this AFTER I've settled down. I can calm down and become type B. There's just a few parameters to this and it usually involves water.

I would like to sit outside and watch the sky. I would like to sit on a warm sandy beach and listen to the waves come into the shore. I say I would like to do these things and you might think I'm a solitary soul but, in truth, I'm not. I would like to do this with my favorite people beside me.

We can't forget the dogs.

I want to really learn what they try to teach us.

When loved ones come through the door, run to greet them with all you have. They're your pack and they give you all you need. Run, play and work hard then rest. Sleep in the contented knowledge that you have all you need.

( also, take a once over at the food in the garbage...........)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


Captain Starbucks.

I've written about my childhood. I've written about my health. I've written about diets and cooking. I've written about my mistakes. Now I want to write about my best friend.

I was fortunate in this life to find someone who's personality beautifully compliments mine. People look at us and wonder how we get along. We do. It's a perfect mix of two people; one thinking in a linear progression and one who thinks in the abstract. A person who accepts my sometimes very unlovable personality just as I accept his. A person that has helped me grow both personally and professionally in ways that he doesn't even know. I've listened and learned and found someone of true integrity that you don't find very often in this world. A person that lives by his principles and convictions and will not allow anyone or anything to compromise him.

Life has sometimes not been fair to him but he's come through it all with a quiet dignity and grace. He has a heart of gold that he fiercely protects. It's been broken by the people that he trusted the most and he won't let it be broken again. Even with the high walls of protection he's built around it there are time's he'll let his guard down and you can see a glimpse of the tenderness inside. He'll get a gleam in his eye and a slight smile and just for a moment you can see inside. His eyes are clear and they shine with truth and a clarity of vision. His intellect is truly on another plane. You can talk and he looks like he's not listening but he can probably recite what you've been rambling about for the last half hour. He's just sifting through the information so that it's in order and he can make an educated and logical comment or decision. I just love coming up with something off the wall and watch him look at me with an incredulous look and then break into laughter. It's not often that I can do that but I love watching him shake his head and looking at me with a look that says, "what did you just do?"

We've spent hours and hours on Napster and ITunes. We've sifted through 7000 songs and make road mixes and highways songs. We've searched out song titles to the point of embarrassing ourselves in front of DJ's and radio stations. I mean, when you go to a radio remote and sing "people forget" so off key that they start breaking up and politely tell you that they have NO IDEA what song you are singing or call a radio station and sing to a secretary who actually figures it out, that's going on a mission. The song? Was it Living in the Funk? Nope. Wrong again. Emminence Front by the Who. Then there was Tempted by Paul Carrack. Are you sure it isn't Chain, Chain Chain?

We can quote North Shore, Aliens, Eddie Izzard and most disaster movies. Somebody wake up Hicks! Thank heavens they didn't put Dante's Peak on the TV's at work. The managers would have walked in and found us snoring. That wouldn't have been so bad but drooling all over the desk could have been a little embarrassing. We have a love for Hell's Kitchen and Gordon Ramsey.

Through him Squirt will be immortal. Actually Squirt is probably at the Bose Factory somewhere in Sweden on a CD of her favorites. They've gone to the pork farm in the red wagon, they've invested in the Cafe de Tout, S and H Enterprises and Sonic. They've gone to the Savannah and the Serengeti and taken down zebra.

He's saved me in ways that he'll never know. I wrote an email a long time ago called the one. It was true then and it's true today.

I still say it's living in the pork.

Sunday, October 11, 2009


Ever feel like you were walking on a high wire and you needed to keep your balance so that you didn't fall? That's what life with a narcissist is like.

This didn't start out being a blog about narcissism. This is just a point in my life that needed mentioning. I had so many questions. There was, for me, no closure. Don't misunderstand, there was the final curtain, but there was so many things I needed to figure out and so many things that I wanted to say.  I just never had an opportunity to say them. 

This is my understanding and a platform to say what I could never say. When I opened the door writing about this fiasco it opened up all sorts of feelings. Once I started writing about it I couldn't stop until I got it all out. Recovery took a long time and I'm sure that there are parts of me that will always be cautious for a very long time and, maybe,  that is a good thing. This is something I'd never want to repeat in this lifetime. Fortunately, I caught this before it was too late. The damage was great enough as it was, let alone if it had gone farther.

You can't beat what comes of a normal and healthy relationship. It is loving and good and caring. Trust and honesty is the foundation it's built upon. It is consistent, reliable, dependable and predictable. Most of all, it's honorable. He can temporarily show these traits but not for very long. Quite simply its because these traits are not a part of his character. I've been fortunate to find that out but I know there are women that haven't been as lucky. It didn't start out this way. I never thought I would have been involved with this man. I cannot and will not make excuses for my behavior. I should have run the other way. I should have slapped his face instead of feeling like I was in a Grace Kelly movie when he pulled over on the side of the road and kissed me. Yes, that really happened. He later told me that he liked doing that because "it was immediate, deliberate and he knew how many were in the box." That should have given me a clue right there. 

Premeditated and calculating. 

What was I thinking? 

My self esteem was beaten, battered and bloody. I guess I was perfect in that respect. I needed someone to tell me that I was beautiful and what I needed more was to be needed.

I got that in spades.

In me he got the absolute adoration that he craved. I believed it all and I believed I was different.  I believed that he was a poor soul drowning in a sea of neglect. I became addicted to the person that I thought he was; the person that he had created just for me. Smoke and mirrors and sadly, an illusion.

When I would say something about God he'd say, "don't call me by my first name." I would laugh at that but looking back, he was deadly serious. He loved to tell me how he had created me,  the person that I had become. He really thought that he was responsible for me being me. Creation is a fitting occupation for someone that thinks he's God. Isn't that the height of arrogance? He believed he was unique and above everyone else. He wanted absolute control as well. Thus began my entrance into the world of the narcissist.

I bought into it and paid dearly.

Most people think of narcissists as the "pretty boys."  I'm sure this can be the case but it goes beyond physical appearance. This man didn't fall under this category AT ALL. He became better looking the more we spoke and the phone was his greatest asset. He becomes your knight in shining armor. He becomes the only man who gets you. He becomes entwined in the very fabric of your being. Why, you ask? Because he can and that is what gets him off.

He becomes enamored with the romance phase of any relationship. He LOVES the chase. He will pursue, pursue and pursue until you look at him with adoring eyes. He's like a little boy jumping up and down in anticipation of a Christmas present. He's on his best behavior but like that little boy, he becomes bored easily. Fantasy relationships do not figure out who makes dinner, or look like crap when you've been sick. When it becomes real he starts getting itchy feet.

If you do try to leave he will come after you. I remember a time when I had really had enough. I felt strong and then cried my eyes out for weeks only to get a call at the precise moment that I was gluing back the shattered pieces of my emotional well being.  I realized that if you try to start a new life he will begin anew. After a while you'll be doubting your own sanity. Every once in a while he'll drop the mask and you'll catch it. You'll catch a glimpse of the man behind the mask. You'll shake your head in disbelief and wonder, "what the hell just happened?" This will stay with you but you'll think you're crazy for ever thinking something is wrong. 

It's too good to leave and it's too bad to stay.

He flies under the radar just enough for you to miss the signs.

His words ensnare you. He watches you with an intensity that is both staggering and thrilling. No one has ever paid the attention to you that he does. What you don't know is that he's casing the joint. He will know what you do and why you do it. Why has no one spoiled you and paid attention like he does? This attribute does not go both ways however. He doesn't like it when you know too much about him or his activities. You can tell him how you're feeling and he stares off into space. He has a gift for getting people to talk and divulge their secrets and you think it's a two way conversation but looking back; you're the only one who's really doing the talking. He's like a sponge absorbing it all in.  He has nothing inside of value to give. It's all show and no substance. Everything is designed so that people look up to him because he needs to be elevated above mere mortals.

He didn't like anything that could usurp his absolute position as God in your life. He doesn't like it when your children need you, your dogs need you, your friends need you, your work needs you or your health needs you.  If you need reassurance he'll tell you something vague like, "I'll always be here for you."  There is nothing in there of true and sincere nurturing. Well, let me rephrase will be there for a moment........but if it goes on too long....get over it.

He became furious that I couldn't stop questioning his answers. He made some lame excuse and told me I was imagining things. Remember: deny, deny, deny. When I would press for answers he would ask how long I was going to bring it up. He had denied the allegation so that was the end of it. It was in the past. There seems to be a theme here. He can reach into the past and bring up with astonishing clarity quips and quotes that you gave him and slap you in the face with it but if you ask questions........well, that's not allowed.

What really sunk this was when I challenged him. He would become the martyr and he'd say that  it was always his fault. I will say, he's got the pitch down well. I was always Miss Perfect. He threw it all back at me. I'd walk away thinking about why he did this. Why? Because he can. He is NEVER wrong. Oh, he'll make mock apologies but he'll never say "I'm sorry." He will just say he doesn't feel real good about himself. What? He really believes that he's right. He can justify any behavior by throwing it all back at you. You fell asleep at the wheel and made him a lesser priority than your job, your health, your kids etc. It's always reactive. You made him behave the way he does.

Any kind of emotion that makes him uncomfortable or is unplanned gets categorized as drama. I was always a drama queen. If he couldn't measure my reaction or get the one he planned on, it was my character flaw. It seems I was incapable of handling him without drama and all he wanted was peace in his life. Never mind that he could be horribly rude and a bully but he wanted peace. He was absolutely clueless that his behavior caused all the upset. It's just not the infidelity and the lies he creates that's so disturbing. It's the justification and rationale that goes along with it. 

You made him do it. He will never change because to him there is no problem.

The problem is YOU.

Think of an onion.

It is flavorful.

It tastes great in food. 

The more you peel the layers the more you cry.

Friday, October 9, 2009


There are so many days that all we can think about is what is going on in our lives that cause us pain or sorrow. This can be caused by circumstances or illness. All I know is that we get tunnel vision and concentrate on the negative.

Instead we should be concentrating on life.

Here's where I love being Jewish. The symbolism and traditions are so rich.

Chai. The Hebrew word for living or life.

The two letters that make up this word for life are Chet and Yud. The numerical value of Chet is 8 and the numerical value for Yud is 10. So this glorious word for life has a value of 18. It has always been considered lucky to give gifts in multiples of 18 for weddings, bar mitzvah or for use in transactions. It simply implies the blessing of a long and happy life. Some theorize that it signifies Judaism's emphasis and importance of life.

In general, I will hold dear to my chai'.

To life.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


Well, another eventful day.

Why can't doctors just cut to the chase and send you where you need to go? I sat for a couple of hours to hear, "I went over your tests and you need to see an endocrinologist." I waited 2 hours for that?? Needless to say, I was a bit irritated when I left.

I know what's going on. I just need to know what to do about it. The problem is when I finally see this clown I may not have a real good attitude.

So, now it's another couple of weeks wait, feeling like crap, and waiting for another bozo to tell me something is wrong. I mean, I'm no doctor, but if normal is 34 and I'm 1000 it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out SOMETHINGS WRONG!

My in-laws are facing the same thing. This man is in pain, he's in his 80's and the doctor is worried that he might become addicted to the painkillers. Hmmmm, let's see.....pain.....nope, live with it, you might become an addict. He was told to take Aleve. Ok, that makes perfect sense. Take Aleve and ruin your liver but, least you're not addicted. Does that make any sense at all?

They're not worried about him becoming addicted, they're worried about getting sued. Just have him sign a release of liability and be done with it.

Well, now I was told to just diet and exercise. I told her what I eat and she said I just needed to exercise more.

This is why I am not a big fan of doctors.

I could figure out that much just be doing some research.


Friday, October 2, 2009


October is here and the first whispers of sweater weather.

I don't know about most people but I do much better in the cold weather than I do on hot days. Especially if those days are humid. The cold humidity is just better.

I love waking up to a hot cup of tea in a cold room.

I love snuggling in a ton of blankets.

I love feeling the cold breeze on my face.

Yep, October is here and I love it. I've always said that I can pile on more clothes to get warm but I just can't do enough to stay cool. You can only strip down to bare and then if it's's still hot no matter what you do.

I don't know if it's the 50's thing or just a thyroid thing or a fibro thing but I hate the heat. I can handle the 80's but once it hits in the 90's I'm toast. So to speak. I don't lay out in the sun anymore so unless I'm in cool water, I don't spend a lot of time outside once the warm weather hits. I don't hurt as much and I'm not forever rubbing my hands.

So, today may be a very blustery day.