Wednesday, December 30, 2009


I have a few tips to deal with the pain of Fibromyalgia.

Tip #1

A heating pad works wonders for the pain.

Tip #2

A heating pad combined with pain medication works wonders.

Tip #3

If all else fails.

Maybe now I can get some sleep.


Does it ever stop?

For the past few weeks I've been paralyzed. Again. 

And again. 

And again. 

I can feel myself being sucked down the rabbit hole and the dementers have taken my happiness. I feel cold. I just want to shut myself away. 

This isn't anything new. This has been happening to me off an on since my father died. All of a sudden my idyllic life was shattered and I realized that I was not immortal and that life could go away at a moments notice. It's a part of me that I kept buried underneath my laughter and a smile. I have never liked too many people knowing me too well. That "knowing" is only reserved for a select few. Some think they know me well but they have no idea that they've encountered the wall. They have no idea what's behind it and they never will.

The problem now is that since my accident nothing can be controlled. This is the same accident that is causing the pain of Fibromyalgia that has plagued my body for the last year and a half. This is the same accident that caused the pain in my lower back to spin into hyper-drive. This is the same accident that has caused my body to be on an out-of-control roller coaster and this is the same accident that the attorney's and my Fibromyalgia doctor say has done nothing to me. The pain, the headaches, emotional distress, I guess, is my imagination.

It comes on slowly. I start to notice that the smile doesn't quite reach my eyes. I have to reach into my stage presence and become the actor when I speak with people. I find myself not wanting to leave my house and resenting the fact that I have a profession that requires an intimate interaction with people. A new home salesperson has to reach a prospect on a gut level so they trust enough to open up to you about their needs. You won't reach anyone if the look on your face says, "I hurt like hell and I really don't give a s**t whether you're here or not." 

I also don't want this depression to affect my daughters joy. I especially don't want to worry her either. I don't have enough money left to go into therapy which I'm feeling that I need more and more every day. I still have a problem admitting this weakness to anyone. It's a little black raincloud that follows me about and just numbs me out. Sometimes in the back of my mind I wonder if it's all worth it and THAT scares me. I've never had that feeling before. Ever. My confidence has gone away and I'm in an emotional coma. I don't think I could make a decision on anything right now and I hide behind the Scarlett O'Hara syndrome: I'll think about it tomorrow. I don't know which  tomorrow will bring me out of all this so I can start dealing with everything that I'm facing right now, but, I can't do anything about that either. 

I know that sleep will be elusive. I crave it and can't have it. I look in the mirror and hate my face, my body and my hands.

I'm in the black hole and there's only a little bit of light so I can see. I know this is temporary but each descent into the black hole goes deeper and stays longer since this blasted accident. It's total b.s. that this has done nothing to me. I may have had minor symptoms before but it's different now. If I was close to the edge of the cliff before, the accident threw me off of that same cliff. I'm battered and bruised but I have to find some strength to face these emotional demons and banish them to never never land.

I'm just so glad that there is still light in the midst of the darkness.

Thursday, December 24, 2009


It's Christmas Eve. 

What an evening it's been too. For the last two weeks I've watched my almost son-in-law stress out about asking my daughter to marry him. He's been adorable. He got down on one knee and asked her in front of the whole family. She, of course, cried through the whole speech. It was an unbelievable feeling watching her surprise and the tears of joy that streamed down her face. They are a wonderful couple and they'll have a great marriage.

It's also the one year anniversary of Mr. C's mothers death. He's doing well but it's been a rough year for him. I remember losing my parents and there are still days where the hurt of the loss is still there. I think the first year is the hardest and then it get's better from then on. 

Because the world of real estate still stinks I had to get creative with presents this year. I researched essential oils and I made bath salts for everyone. They turned out great and I actually had requests for more. 

Now to how I feel. Like crap. How's that for an answer? It's been cool out and the humidity was up. My hands and legs still have most of my pain and it hasn't stopped. The endocrinologist thought the pain might be from the thyroid but I've been on medication around 30+ days and I don't feel any different.  So it's back to the same thing; curled up with my heating pad, not sleeping and putting up with pain.

Merry Christmas to me and joy to the world.

For now, I think I just want a silent night.

Saturday, December 12, 2009


Years ago I bought this indulgently wonderful item that melts wax and you can dip your hands in  and the heat and wax will soften your hands. I get a double benefit.  My hands hurt and it soothes them and I get the softening benefit as well. 

I just wish I could dip my whole body in it.


Todays forecast:
Rainy, cloudy, gloomy with rapidly developing whining, complaining and crying.

The humidity at 9 a.m was 70%

I guess this means I take the dreaded pain medication before the "ow" becomes a howl that resonates through the valley.

I know that Fibromyalgia symptoms differ from person to person but from everything I read weather does affect most people with this illness.

Can weather exacerbate the symptoms?

In 2002 a study was done where fibro sufferers and healthy individuals were asked to rate their pain scale every day for 12 months. After 12 months the statistics were correlated to the weather. Researchers found that pain increased in fibromyalgia patients with the change in the weather and as atmospheric pressure fell. Pain, stiffness and fatigue showed a strong intercorrelation with weather patterns.

I keep saying it.

I'm better than a barometer.

Thursday, December 10, 2009


The XMRV virus - what is it?

X - Xenotropic
M - Murine leukemia virus
R - Related
V - Virus

What a nice friendly looking retrovirus.............

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia have been largely dismissed by the medical community as either the "yuppie flu" or a mysterious disease based largely on the imagination of neurotic depressed women. This has lead thousands of women on a quest to find a doctor, any doctor, that will listen to them when they say they are sick.

Staggering figures.

A study recently published found the retrovirus in 67% of patients with Chronic Fatigue. Later on the researchers reported 95% of the patients tested positive with antibody testing. Also it was suggested that 10 million Americans may carry this recently discovered retrovirus.

A veritable cornucopia of viruses.

Chronic fatigue and Fibromyalgia have long been associated with all types of viruses including, Epstein-Barr, cytomegalovirus, Coxsackie viruses, echoviruses, enterviruses and parvovirus B19. 


From the very beginning it has been suspected that a retrovirus was involved. As early as 1986 an immunovirologist described retroviral activity in the cells of CFS patients but the actual virus wasn't described. 

It's just a start.

Other viruses could still play a part but this is promising. More research will still need to be done to confirm the part that it plays in this illness and to understand the full effects of this virus in general. The virus leads to immune dysfunction by damaging an antiviral pathway in the body. Considering that Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue have been described as autoimmune diseases it's very possible that the XMRV is responsible. I hope that the funding dollars   will be there so that this valuable research can continue.

Is it contagious? What can help?

XMRV is thought to be transmitted through bodily fluids. That would make it infectious but genes and other predisposing factors appear to play a role in actually getting sick. Low dose naltrexone has been used in treatment with the retrovirus that causes AIDS. There are not a lot of side effects and has been used in the treatment of Chronic fatigue. 

After years of doctors saying that we're crazy maybe there now might just be an answer so Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue will have the validation of the medical community at large.

Sunday, November 29, 2009


The humidity is up and the OW factor has returned with a vengence. You know, that doesn't sound quite right. It makes it seem that the pain goes away and then returns. The pain NEVER goes away. It's an ebb and flow. Sometimes the wave comes gently on the shore and sometimes the wave is a tsunami.

On top of it all I got denied by disability. I don't even believe that one. They picked out about 8 points in my medical file, which was wrong, and then stated that my profession allowed me the flexibility to make appointments. Are these people on drugs??

No. They just don't want to pay.

Jump through the hoops and let's see how serious you really are and, if you're lucky, you may get discouraged and go away. That's what they really hope you'll do. I believe that they luck out most of the time. This is a fight and I get tired of fighting. I'm tempted to go away but I can't afford to do that. I feel my body getting worse by the day and it's due to high pressure selling and high pressure from management to sell the product. It's hard to keep your mind on selling and presenting a happy face to the world when the pain intensifies. You get one block knocked out and another one is put in front of you.


Now I have to pick apart policies and letters and submit documentation and try to get them to review my file once more. Again, I'll have to wait through the red tape and see if I can get out of the pressure of sales and find another purpose for my life.

I can't believe I have to fight for this and then turn it into begging.

You pay premiums and they have physicians assistants to review your file with the intention of finding anything that they can to turn this request into a denial.

I'm tired.

Friday, November 27, 2009


I'll admit it.

I've been throwing a pity party for one and I have a front row seat.  

I know I've got much to be thankful for but all I think about are the things that take away my joy and makes me focus on not being thankful. My health, my finances; the list is endless. I've been on my own and doing well for so long it is so difficult to watch it all go down the toilet.

I emailed my friend and she always gives me just enough of a spanking to put things in the right perspective.  Of course, I haven't told her the depth of the issues just an overview.

Thus my introduction to 29 Gifts by Cami Walker. She left it on my doorstep because I don't go out or even answer the phone when the black hole encompasses my life. Let me rephrase that. I do just enough to get by but I hate it. I feel safe in the comfortable cocoon that I've built. I don't like face to face interaction anymore. I stay in a phone and email world because it's easier than my friends or family seeing how miserable I really am.

One of the first things that caught my eye was there is a strong connection between high levels of stress and autoimmune diseases. Also, the symptoms that I started noticing recently have actually been plaguing me off and on for years. I actually thought that I thrived on stress. Life wasn't fun if I wasn't in hyper-drive and multi-tasking my little heart out. I am Type A squared.

As I started reading this book I understood the author very well. She was my neighbor in the black hole that is my current residence. When she first heard about the prescription she was given she thought it was stupid and it probably snapped the last nerve she possessed. All these problems and your fix is giving???

Oh, please.

All of a sudden something happened. 

It falls under the heading of when you've got nothing to lose you've got nothing to lose.

The basic premise is to get your mind off of yourself and give something everyday for 29 days. It isn't something that has to be material or monetary. You have to give of yourself or do something for someone else. It's not just throwing a dollar bill in the shiny red Salvation Army bucket and then walk off thinking "hey, there's one gift knocked out."  It's so much more. It's thinking about, recognizing the need and acting on it.  I think that if you're so busy doing for others you don't have time to magnify the problems that you do have by focusing on them 24-7. She wonders what would happen if everyone committed to 29 gifts in 29 days? What would our world be like? What is the correlation between your mind and body and what happens when you "think you can?"

What would I be like? I've had trouble in the committment area. I start off strong and then I lose interest and, just like that, it fades into the atmosphere. Am I disciplined? No. It sounds like I live in denial and fear and maybe I do. Funny, so strong in some areas and so very weak in others. For me there is no middle ground. Again, the crux of the problem. It's all or nothing. Win or lose.

When I got the book there was one caveat.

I have to pass it on.

I've thought about it. I think this is going to the daughter of my heart. She is suffering from Fibromyalgia at a very tender age. She just got married and was struck with the inevitable pain and fatigue that this illness brings. I hurt for her. I hurt for her new husband who loves her dearly. This is an illness that tries the best of them and if this book can help her then I give it gladly and with all my heart.

When we think we have plenty there is scarcity. When we think we have nothing left to give, giving gives us plenty. We get lost in our pain or in our circumstances. That's what chronic pain does to you. It sucks you down into the black hole and it's comforting. That's the illusion. The pain of this illness seems like such a curse but hopefully it can be a blessing. Maybe this will bring a new thought and a new purpose for my life.

O.K. I'm in.

The first day of giving. December 1.


I can't think of anyone better for my first gift.

Pass it on.


Sunday, November 22, 2009


Thanksgiving is nearly here.

The day to give thanks because no matter what we face, it could always be worse. In essence, this is just a walk in the park.

I'm thankful for the pain so when it ends I know the feeling of relief. I'm thankful for hunger so I know what it feels like to be full. I'm thankful for the tough times so I'll be grateful for the times of plenty. 

I'm thankful that I have a wonderful, beautiful daughter. She's the light of my life. I'm so proud of the woman that she's become. She's a accomplished woman who stands tall. I look at her and marvel that I had a hand in all of this. She's got a tender heart and loves with her whole heart. Her smile lights up the world.

I'm thankful that she found a man who will love her for the rest of his life. A man who's sense of loyalty and integrity is above reproach. A man who is worthy to walk by her side and that will love and care for her and their children.

I'm thankful for a wonderful extended family who has welcomed my daughter and I into their homes and their hearts. They love laughter and friends and dogs. What a group!

I'm thankful for my best friend of 40+ years. It's the friend that we all need. It's a friend that will laugh and cry with you. A friend who'll have your back and cover your ass as well. It's a friend that will tell you the truth knowing that the truth may be painful. A friend that accepts your flaws, applauds your triumphs and cries with you when you're hurt. She's a friend that will always be there.

I'm thankful for Facebook. Before you laugh it's been the vehicle that has brought classmates from years past back into my life.

I'm thankful that my many annoyances with my health can be managed. I've had friends fighting for their lives with breast cancer. Nothing can compare to chemo and radiation. You see the pain and the suffering. You see hair falling out in clumps. You see realization that even though their desire to fight is strong, they know they may lose the battle.

I'm thankful for another friend and the times we sat and cried about our lousy love lives. We were brought together by a lingering ex-boyfriend and have stayed friends. I've helped him through girlfriends and held his heart as he poured his hurt out at my kitchen table. He's the man who is my friend and to go farther I would run the risk of eventually losing the friendship and nothing is worth that. We have a pact. If neither one of us is married by the time we reach 70.....we'll take the plunge.  We would drive each other crazy.

I'm thankful for my dog who continually reminds me how to  be content. He greets me with enthusiasm that goes through his whole body.  He knows he has everything he needs and sleeps contentedly with thoughts of bones and babies running through his head.  

I'm thankful for a wonderful and loving God who doesn't give me all I pray for and yet gives me more than I need. 

So as the day approaches and I reflect on these things I know that tough times will pass and the clouds will part and I'll see the sun.

Thursday, November 12, 2009


Can I possibly get to the point where I'm on an even keel?

The appointment was interesting. When he walked in and listened to the litany of problems that I'm having with my body he started to respond but stopped himself and asked me a very simple question.

What is the main function of the human body?

I've never had anyone ask me that question. Fortunately, I didn't have to search my index cards for the answer.

The bodies main function is to survive.

The body is a pretty miraculous machine. The thyroid takes iodine that is found in many of the foods that we consume and convert it into thyroxine (T4) and triiodothyronine (T3). The thyroid is the only organ in the body that can capture and absorb iodine.

Every cell is dependent upon the thyroid hormones to control and regulate your metabolism. It is controlled by the pituitary gland in the brain. It is responsible for the TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) that converts it into T4 and T3.

When it comes to an autoimmune disease like Hashimoto's Thyroiditis your body is attacking the thyroid as if it were a foreign body. The problem, in very simple terms, is that your brain senses that the body is attacking an intruder. It shuts down the rest of the thyroid in order to preserve itself. There is no need for the strong T4 so it cuts down production. You go into a hypothyroid status and the myriad of symptoms begin. 

So now it starts to find out what will regulate my thyroid and bring back balance and order to my body. I start taking Levoxyl. I found it interesting that the endocrinolgist would not prescribe Armour Thyroid. It seems that the Levoxyl is indentical to the molecule produced by the body. In his words he found nothing natural about putting dessicated pig hormone into a human body so therefore, the Levoxyl could be called bio-identical.

He was very specific about one thing. He would not allow it to be replaced by a generic drug. He wanted it dispensed as written. Of course the pharmacy didn't stock it. They asked if they could substitute it and I refused. He wanted it that way for a reason. Sometimes generic can be off just enough to make the medication work at less than optimum and that would be enough to mess up the effectiveness of the treatment. I'm supposed to take it first thing in the morning with water before anything else. Then get ready for the day and by that time an hour should go by. At that point I can have coffee, breakfast or whatever. The reason for this is that nothing will be in the stomach to hinder it being absorbed by the body.

So here I am again taking thyroid and I hope this time it works.

He started to laugh because I didn't want to know anything about treatment.

All I want to know is will I lose weight.

At least I'm consistent.

Sunday, November 8, 2009


One thing about chronic pain and Fibromyalgia.

It puts you in touch with your body.

It's like turning on the light in a dark room.

You know that there is something that goes beyond the fibro. Something still isn't right. You can't put your finger on it but you're guessing it's your thyroid. You've had the typical tests before and the doctors tell you nothing is wrong. You're disappointed you know something is wrong but you feel stupid because the blood work says its fine.

You are in the normal range.

What is it that I feel pulling at me? As the weather once again grows colder and the ever-present pain begins to build again, something else seems to be touching the edges of my mind trying to get in. I don't know what it is and it feels like something is coming. I'm not certain whether it's real or it's a by-product of my thyroid imbalance.

Sometimes you feel on edge and you're on super-alert status. Maybe it's the stress of waiting on disability, the upcoming holidays or a weather change.

Doctors rarely look any deeper than the initial thyroid test. If you should be anywhere near the normal range they totally discount your symptoms. Exercise, eat less, cut out fats and starches, get rid of the stresses in your life or slow down are the routine panacea for the neurotic woman who goes there for help. They think you've got a mood disorder. They think your diet needs to be altered. They think you're depressed. They think it's your fault. After a while you think you're crazy.

But you're not.

Are you always tired? Are you irritable or impatient? Are you sleeping poorly? Have you lost your enthusiasm for things you used to love to do? Are you depressed? Have you gained weight? Your thyroid can even cause your cholesterol to shoot higher.

Look at those symptoms. Is it any wonder why we're patted on our ever increasing behinds and told to go away? You know something isn't right but you have to go to doctor after doctor only to hear that your Type A personality has brought it on yourself. The other side of the coin is the doctor that treats the thyroid but doesn't listen to the person that's attached to the gland. Either one is frustrating. They treat a thyroid imbalance as something simple.

Take a pill and it will go away.

They don't realize fully what it does to you. This imbalance is not only a significant blow to the body. It is an equally significant blow to your brain. They don't treat the complexities of this imbalance and what it can do to your body and your soul.

Fortunately, I go to an endocrinolgist this week. Because this can be passed down my daughter is going with me. She has some of the same fishy symptoms that tells me she might have some problems in this arena. It will be nice to have someone listen and correct this imbalance with the right medications.

Once again I have hope that I might be able to feel even a little bit better. It's back to one baby step at a time. Even if I get the thyroid under control there's still the Fibromyalgia to be reckoned with and that is one big IF. I didn't get into this overnight but I do expect it to be gone overnight. Come on, I haven't progressed that much.

Is it the thyroid that keeps my hands cold and tingling or is it the fibromyalgia that makes them HURT? Right now they are beginning to hurt like holy hell. I've talked about taking a baseball bat to my legs when they start; well, I want to turn that same bat loose on my hands.

I just want to feel better NOW.

Monday, November 2, 2009



There is calorie leakage if you break apart; including, but not limited to, cookies, cakes, pies, cheesecake and assorted anything chocolate.


Popcorn, especially with butter, has no calories because it is a part of the total entertainment package.


If you're sick all bets are off. Anything you consume is medicinal. Feed a cold, feed a fever...oh you know!

I was blessed to receive these rules and now I'm passing the blessing on to you!



I wrote this last year.

Now we hear that the recession is over. Jobless rates are still up but they now compartmentalize this recession. The recession is over but the jobless recession may take a while to recover. How in the world have they rationalized that one?
What a horrendous year. The recession, so long denied, has finally been recognized by our government think tank. Those who are optimists, like myself, see us on the brink of something much worse. 1929.

The boomer's were given a post-war America that wanted much more for their children then our parents had for themselves. We turned into the proverbial spoiled brats; members of the "lucky sperm club" that had to work for nothing and had it handed to them. Like those spoiled little children, we frittered it all away. We became the generation of "if it feels good, do it." We became the product of Gordon Gekko. His mantra became ours. Greed is good. His brand of capitalism has become our downfall. We forgot that history always repeats itself and we forgot our parents values and turned our backs on honesty and truth. We became immersed in the absolute orgasmic high of accumulation. We became typical type A human beings without concern for anything or anyone but ourselves. Our nation is on the brink of collapse and we stand there while Rome is burning.

This nation used to live independently of the global economy so it would remain politically independent. If we don't change this nation will be owned by others within a very short period of time.
We gave away American jobs and shipped them to Mexico and India so that the voodoo accounting practices touted by the Harvard business school think tanks could enhance our bottom line. Our manufacturing, our jobs and our fiscal well being was being out sourced. We import what we used to see as "made in America." We became convinced that it does take a village and that in this global economy we need to depend on one another. We watching Enron strip workers of their life savings and pensions and then continue to allow the golden parachutes that allow CEO'S to rape and pillage and then quietly go away.
I believe we are watching the late, great days of America as a superpower. I believe we are watching the end of days. We are unwilling or unable to secure our borders. We have become so politically correct it's unthinkable that America would turn away illegal aliens. We're in another war we can't win, our currency is weak and the amount of debt we are passing along to our children is staggering. We throw around BILLION like it's chump change. We are so committed to trickle down economics that we truly believe our government can help us.

Chairman Bernanke is appalling. I wish I had the sound bytes from the last two years with him. Henry Paulson spending our hard earned tax dollars faster than he gets it, Chris Cox who has turned his head away from the biggest scandal in Wall Street history. We've got Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Barney Frank running this country. They put the blame and point fingers at everyone but themselves. They've bought AIG, Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae with our money. They should have let them fail. It was their policies that everyone should have a home that started this mess.
The very people who proclaim their servitude to the United States of America have the largest golden parachute of all. The Congressional Retirement program is designed to bend us all over one more time as they sign happy trails and ride off into the sunset. Instead of being indignant, we are lazy and self indulgent and refuse to vote the scumbags out of office.
We need to realize our way of life and living are going to be affected. We need fiscal responsibility and we need to bail out the taxpayer. The only way this economy can recover is to point that high powered lens that they look out of and turn that lens upon themselves.

Sunday, November 1, 2009


I made it through Halloween without sucking down 3/4 of the candy that was supposed to go to the kids that came to the door.

Not bad.

The kids who came at the end really made out. I dumped the rest of the M&M's in the kids bag and put a sign up that read, "no more candy." I was really impressed with myself. Instead of keeping it I made someone else o.d. on the sweet stuff!

I lit all the candles and turned on the music and we sat and waited for the kids. I think the dogs were more excited than anyone. We didn't carve pumpkins (or give them lobotomy as I like to say) but I found a picture that would describe the household.

Another Halloween gone and I didn't eat the candy!

It's a Halloween miracle!

Saturday, October 31, 2009


Look whats become of me.

I can't believe it!

Where has this year gone?

It could be that I've spent most of this year in a pain-induced brain fog followed by a mother of a fibromyalgia flare up. I don't know how I got here or when but the year is gone already. Oh my. The weather has turned and I'm back to rubbing my cold, aching hands. Actually, today, my whole body is aching again and it's not just a dull ache.

Voodoo pain is back. With a vengeance.

It's been touch and go. I just want one week where I'm not taking up residence in a doctors office. I would like to have more good days than bad days and I don't want to have to take Lyrica to get there. Between the thyroiditis and the inactivity of the fibro my metabolism is in a coma and it won't take very much to have it kick the bucket completely. All I need is a medication that shows one of it's main side effects is weight gain.

No thank you.

I really am trying to be thankful even though I sound like I'm being a kvetch. ( you gotta love yiddish ) I really do have a part of the brain that knows it could be worse. It's just this self-image thing that keeps popping up when I see the 25 pounds on my body in the mirror. That will kill me every time. I know I'm not perfect but I want to be my criteria of perfect and that means taking off this weight that is now plaguing my soul.

Does everyone else feel the way I do? It would be nice to know that I'm not crazy and whining and moaning for nothing. Fibromyalgia is sneaky. Fairly good one day and crashing the next. I wish it would make up it's mind.

So for now as the fall returns and the year is coming to an end I can look forward to the holidays and spending time with the people I love and pray that next year I will have more good days than bad ones.

I need to get the doctor off the speed dial.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


All I know is when you have coffee, diet cokes, tea, celery, chicken and a little bit of sweet potato roasted with olive oil and salt and pepper YOU SHOULD LOSE SOME WEIGHT.

I know one of the side effects of hypothyroidism and the Hashimoto's thyroiditis is difficulty in losing weight, but this is so frustrating.

What do I have to do?


Diets suck.

This sucks.

Sunday, October 25, 2009


Sometimes you feel like you're a prisoner in your own body. You don't know where the pain is originating from. You can't pinpoint it.

It is always there.

Some days are better than others. The trigger points are so tender to the touch. I would have never believed it. Everything hurts to be touched. I feel like there is an extreme amount of pressure when I'm hardly being touched at all and ALL of them hurt.

I guess my central nervous system is on hyper-drive. Great. Just one more thing that's haywire. I can handle the dull ache. Pain medication seems to take the edge off that. It's the migrating voodoo pain that jumps up and slaps you in the face that I find so life altering. You just start to act "normal" (which I've never been) and the pain decides you need a gentle reminder of what your new life is to be. This I find hard to accept.

What I find fascinating is that accident or trauma can trigger this disease. This makes sense, at least in my case. I could handle my back pain before the crash. I always knew that once or twice a year my back would twinge and I'd be laid up a week. No problem. Since this accident a year and a half ago, something changed. My work life and personal life could no longer be "handled." I've felt different and everything has fallen apart.

The brain fog, the constant pain makes working with contracts impossible. I have to read and re-read. I forget things and that is not a real impressive attribute for a sales agent to have. It's the feeling of always being off balance. It's trying to smile so no one knows that you're ready to scream from the pain. It's always wanting to be normal when you're feeling anything but. This is already an invisible disease and to constantly make explanations about how you feel is so draining. Then to top it all off you constantly hear, "well I'm tired too," or "just get up and move around and you'll feel better."

The problem is that the domino was tripped when I got hit and NOTHING has been the same since. I've spent fortunes on doctors and tests and tests and more tests. The last round of blood work clocked in at over $6000.00. I can't continue like this and wait for a group of insurance doctors to decide whether I was "really" disabled while working at my former company. Oh yes, I love watching my career go down the toilet along with any money that I had left after all these months not working. Yep, it's just all fun and games.

I'm at a crossroads and I guess I'll find out which way I have to go.

I've never been good at directions.

Saturday, October 24, 2009


I think that certain people can make you sick.

Really physically sick.

I think people put forth a vibe that causes you to react physically. In the same vein certain people comfort you, can cause all kinds of physical reactions so if they can cause good chemical reactions why not the opposite?

I've met people that make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. They give off a really creepy and scary vibration.

I've met people that say they love you but you physically know that's not the truth. Your body reacts and if you listen to it you can learn a great deal about people. We have a sixth sense that we should let come through. Is it a perception of a fleeting expression that we didn't even know we noticed? There are plenty of phrases that describe these kinds of feelings. Pain in the neck, gut feeling, hot under the collar or gave me the heebie-jeebies just to name a few. These are illustrations of actual feelings that can occur when first meeting people.

Intuition comes from deep within us. Is it just our brain rapidly going through our internal file cabinet and reaching a decision based on something or someone in our past that gave us a similar reaction? Do we have understanding or just feel the emotion?

I've had feelings about people since I was a young girl. I've had emotional responses to people and places. One of the spookiest was in Omaha and Elmwood Park. I had a chilling response to a certain place and made my date leave the area. We found out the next day someone had been killed in the park. Coincidence? I've had that feeling a couple of times and I've learned to listen to those feelings.

I don't know whether it's intuition or having certain traits of an empath. I do know that people do open up to me and end up saying, "I don't know why I've told you the things I did. I don't do that with anybody." Is that an empath? I know that I can feel the emotions from people and can tap into them. I don't know if that's what I am but I know I can feel what is going on with people. Is it the gift of discernment?

Sometimes in a relationship I've stayed when it was just an emotional tap. I do believe those types of relationships can make you physically ill. It just drains your body until your immune system is compromised. Staying in stressful situations or around people that stress you will just wear down your body.

I think we need to be still and listen to what our minds and our bodies are trying to tell us.

It could save us from heartache.

It could save us from illness.

It could just save us.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


We all have experiences that have shaped us. Some are good, some are not. We look back on the ones have hurt us. We will do anything to keep that hurt dead and buried. It's a good thing to look back with the proper perspective. We should look at it as if we were advising someone else. It's only possible if we can remain indifferent. One positive note is that it is the acknowledgement of these things that keep us safe in the present. It makes us more cautious about who we trust.

If you burn your hand while playing with matches, the next time you use them you'll be very careful when you light the match.

There comes a time when you have to turn around and look at your past and decide if it's going to dictate your future. We can't do anything about the past experiences that we had but we can do something about today. Some of the problem is that everything is colored by the past and we don't want to test it to see if we'll still have the same reaction. So the cycle continues and the past continues to haunt us. We miss some of the joy of the present. If we keep looking at the match as something that burns us, we'll miss the warmth of the fire it makes.

So we move on and hopefully let the past stay where it belongs. In the past. My hope for myself is that I learn a little self forgiveness and stop letting the past color my present and and learn to stop second guessing my future. I should let God do what he does best and stop thinking that I know for certain what that is. I have to learn to stop kicking myself and move on. I don't have a lot of regret. I mean, I wish I hadn't done some of the things I did and I've been ashamed but regret? Not so much. After all, I have learned something from my mistakes. Hopefully, I've learned enough to not make the same mistakes twice.

Let's hope so.

Sunday, October 18, 2009




This is the second bath I've taken since I got home. For some reason the pain is out of control tonight. It's that voodoo pain that I've written about before. The pain that has the power to bring you to your knees or, in my case, curl you up in a fetal position praying for relief. I feel like I'm handcuffed by the pain and I can't break free.

It jumps up and smacks you so you know it's there, then it increases it's intensity and if that's not enough it migrates so you don't know where it will go next. This is the pain that you pray the muscle relaxers and pain medication will help. I've gone on the supplements and tried visualization. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. Since I'm so attached to my heating pad I think I'll name it Chris Pine. I know, I know.....but allow me to be a cougar if only with my heating pad!

So far no good.

I'm going try to get some sleep but then I notice it's only 8:15. How pathetic. I don't want to go to sleep this early but the only thing I can do is get in bed and curl up so that I can try to forget how much I hurt right now. I've tried to think what could have triggered an episode that came on so suddenly. I don't have any answers. This pain has a mind of its own.

I think I'll make my own weather forecast. There's a 95% chance of whining, bitching, moaning and crying due the pain front advancing from the north. Clearing whenever it feels like it. A true 5 day forecast is a complete mystery. Scattered clouds due to the brain fog clearing by morning. Increased sleeplessness and grogginess by morning.

Hopefully in the morning it will be better. See!?

I still have a shred of optimism left.

Did I say I was also a hope freak?