Sunday, November 29, 2009


The humidity is up and the OW factor has returned with a vengence. You know, that doesn't sound quite right. It makes it seem that the pain goes away and then returns. The pain NEVER goes away. It's an ebb and flow. Sometimes the wave comes gently on the shore and sometimes the wave is a tsunami.

On top of it all I got denied by disability. I don't even believe that one. They picked out about 8 points in my medical file, which was wrong, and then stated that my profession allowed me the flexibility to make appointments. Are these people on drugs??

No. They just don't want to pay.

Jump through the hoops and let's see how serious you really are and, if you're lucky, you may get discouraged and go away. That's what they really hope you'll do. I believe that they luck out most of the time. This is a fight and I get tired of fighting. I'm tempted to go away but I can't afford to do that. I feel my body getting worse by the day and it's due to high pressure selling and high pressure from management to sell the product. It's hard to keep your mind on selling and presenting a happy face to the world when the pain intensifies. You get one block knocked out and another one is put in front of you.


Now I have to pick apart policies and letters and submit documentation and try to get them to review my file once more. Again, I'll have to wait through the red tape and see if I can get out of the pressure of sales and find another purpose for my life.

I can't believe I have to fight for this and then turn it into begging.

You pay premiums and they have physicians assistants to review your file with the intention of finding anything that they can to turn this request into a denial.

I'm tired.

Friday, November 27, 2009


I'll admit it.

I've been throwing a pity party for one and I have a front row seat.  

I know I've got much to be thankful for but all I think about are the things that take away my joy and makes me focus on not being thankful. My health, my finances; the list is endless. I've been on my own and doing well for so long it is so difficult to watch it all go down the toilet.

I emailed my friend and she always gives me just enough of a spanking to put things in the right perspective.  Of course, I haven't told her the depth of the issues just an overview.

Thus my introduction to 29 Gifts by Cami Walker. She left it on my doorstep because I don't go out or even answer the phone when the black hole encompasses my life. Let me rephrase that. I do just enough to get by but I hate it. I feel safe in the comfortable cocoon that I've built. I don't like face to face interaction anymore. I stay in a phone and email world because it's easier than my friends or family seeing how miserable I really am.

One of the first things that caught my eye was there is a strong connection between high levels of stress and autoimmune diseases. Also, the symptoms that I started noticing recently have actually been plaguing me off and on for years. I actually thought that I thrived on stress. Life wasn't fun if I wasn't in hyper-drive and multi-tasking my little heart out. I am Type A squared.

As I started reading this book I understood the author very well. She was my neighbor in the black hole that is my current residence. When she first heard about the prescription she was given she thought it was stupid and it probably snapped the last nerve she possessed. All these problems and your fix is giving???

Oh, please.

All of a sudden something happened. 

It falls under the heading of when you've got nothing to lose you've got nothing to lose.

The basic premise is to get your mind off of yourself and give something everyday for 29 days. It isn't something that has to be material or monetary. You have to give of yourself or do something for someone else. It's not just throwing a dollar bill in the shiny red Salvation Army bucket and then walk off thinking "hey, there's one gift knocked out."  It's so much more. It's thinking about, recognizing the need and acting on it.  I think that if you're so busy doing for others you don't have time to magnify the problems that you do have by focusing on them 24-7. She wonders what would happen if everyone committed to 29 gifts in 29 days? What would our world be like? What is the correlation between your mind and body and what happens when you "think you can?"

What would I be like? I've had trouble in the committment area. I start off strong and then I lose interest and, just like that, it fades into the atmosphere. Am I disciplined? No. It sounds like I live in denial and fear and maybe I do. Funny, so strong in some areas and so very weak in others. For me there is no middle ground. Again, the crux of the problem. It's all or nothing. Win or lose.

When I got the book there was one caveat.

I have to pass it on.

I've thought about it. I think this is going to the daughter of my heart. She is suffering from Fibromyalgia at a very tender age. She just got married and was struck with the inevitable pain and fatigue that this illness brings. I hurt for her. I hurt for her new husband who loves her dearly. This is an illness that tries the best of them and if this book can help her then I give it gladly and with all my heart.

When we think we have plenty there is scarcity. When we think we have nothing left to give, giving gives us plenty. We get lost in our pain or in our circumstances. That's what chronic pain does to you. It sucks you down into the black hole and it's comforting. That's the illusion. The pain of this illness seems like such a curse but hopefully it can be a blessing. Maybe this will bring a new thought and a new purpose for my life.

O.K. I'm in.

The first day of giving. December 1.


I can't think of anyone better for my first gift.

Pass it on.


Sunday, November 22, 2009


Thanksgiving is nearly here.

The day to give thanks because no matter what we face, it could always be worse. In essence, this is just a walk in the park.

I'm thankful for the pain so when it ends I know the feeling of relief. I'm thankful for hunger so I know what it feels like to be full. I'm thankful for the tough times so I'll be grateful for the times of plenty. 

I'm thankful that I have a wonderful, beautiful daughter. She's the light of my life. I'm so proud of the woman that she's become. She's a accomplished woman who stands tall. I look at her and marvel that I had a hand in all of this. She's got a tender heart and loves with her whole heart. Her smile lights up the world.

I'm thankful that she found a man who will love her for the rest of his life. A man who's sense of loyalty and integrity is above reproach. A man who is worthy to walk by her side and that will love and care for her and their children.

I'm thankful for a wonderful extended family who has welcomed my daughter and I into their homes and their hearts. They love laughter and friends and dogs. What a group!

I'm thankful for my best friend of 40+ years. It's the friend that we all need. It's a friend that will laugh and cry with you. A friend who'll have your back and cover your ass as well. It's a friend that will tell you the truth knowing that the truth may be painful. A friend that accepts your flaws, applauds your triumphs and cries with you when you're hurt. She's a friend that will always be there.

I'm thankful for Facebook. Before you laugh it's been the vehicle that has brought classmates from years past back into my life.

I'm thankful that my many annoyances with my health can be managed. I've had friends fighting for their lives with breast cancer. Nothing can compare to chemo and radiation. You see the pain and the suffering. You see hair falling out in clumps. You see realization that even though their desire to fight is strong, they know they may lose the battle.

I'm thankful for another friend and the times we sat and cried about our lousy love lives. We were brought together by a lingering ex-boyfriend and have stayed friends. I've helped him through girlfriends and held his heart as he poured his hurt out at my kitchen table. He's the man who is my friend and to go farther I would run the risk of eventually losing the friendship and nothing is worth that. We have a pact. If neither one of us is married by the time we reach 70.....we'll take the plunge.  We would drive each other crazy.

I'm thankful for my dog who continually reminds me how to  be content. He greets me with enthusiasm that goes through his whole body.  He knows he has everything he needs and sleeps contentedly with thoughts of bones and babies running through his head.  

I'm thankful for a wonderful and loving God who doesn't give me all I pray for and yet gives me more than I need. 

So as the day approaches and I reflect on these things I know that tough times will pass and the clouds will part and I'll see the sun.

Thursday, November 12, 2009


Can I possibly get to the point where I'm on an even keel?

The appointment was interesting. When he walked in and listened to the litany of problems that I'm having with my body he started to respond but stopped himself and asked me a very simple question.

What is the main function of the human body?

I've never had anyone ask me that question. Fortunately, I didn't have to search my index cards for the answer.

The bodies main function is to survive.

The body is a pretty miraculous machine. The thyroid takes iodine that is found in many of the foods that we consume and convert it into thyroxine (T4) and triiodothyronine (T3). The thyroid is the only organ in the body that can capture and absorb iodine.

Every cell is dependent upon the thyroid hormones to control and regulate your metabolism. It is controlled by the pituitary gland in the brain. It is responsible for the TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) that converts it into T4 and T3.

When it comes to an autoimmune disease like Hashimoto's Thyroiditis your body is attacking the thyroid as if it were a foreign body. The problem, in very simple terms, is that your brain senses that the body is attacking an intruder. It shuts down the rest of the thyroid in order to preserve itself. There is no need for the strong T4 so it cuts down production. You go into a hypothyroid status and the myriad of symptoms begin. 

So now it starts to find out what will regulate my thyroid and bring back balance and order to my body. I start taking Levoxyl. I found it interesting that the endocrinolgist would not prescribe Armour Thyroid. It seems that the Levoxyl is indentical to the molecule produced by the body. In his words he found nothing natural about putting dessicated pig hormone into a human body so therefore, the Levoxyl could be called bio-identical.

He was very specific about one thing. He would not allow it to be replaced by a generic drug. He wanted it dispensed as written. Of course the pharmacy didn't stock it. They asked if they could substitute it and I refused. He wanted it that way for a reason. Sometimes generic can be off just enough to make the medication work at less than optimum and that would be enough to mess up the effectiveness of the treatment. I'm supposed to take it first thing in the morning with water before anything else. Then get ready for the day and by that time an hour should go by. At that point I can have coffee, breakfast or whatever. The reason for this is that nothing will be in the stomach to hinder it being absorbed by the body.

So here I am again taking thyroid and I hope this time it works.

He started to laugh because I didn't want to know anything about treatment.

All I want to know is will I lose weight.

At least I'm consistent.

Sunday, November 8, 2009


One thing about chronic pain and Fibromyalgia.

It puts you in touch with your body.

It's like turning on the light in a dark room.

You know that there is something that goes beyond the fibro. Something still isn't right. You can't put your finger on it but you're guessing it's your thyroid. You've had the typical tests before and the doctors tell you nothing is wrong. You're disappointed you know something is wrong but you feel stupid because the blood work says its fine.

You are in the normal range.

What is it that I feel pulling at me? As the weather once again grows colder and the ever-present pain begins to build again, something else seems to be touching the edges of my mind trying to get in. I don't know what it is and it feels like something is coming. I'm not certain whether it's real or it's a by-product of my thyroid imbalance.

Sometimes you feel on edge and you're on super-alert status. Maybe it's the stress of waiting on disability, the upcoming holidays or a weather change.

Doctors rarely look any deeper than the initial thyroid test. If you should be anywhere near the normal range they totally discount your symptoms. Exercise, eat less, cut out fats and starches, get rid of the stresses in your life or slow down are the routine panacea for the neurotic woman who goes there for help. They think you've got a mood disorder. They think your diet needs to be altered. They think you're depressed. They think it's your fault. After a while you think you're crazy.

But you're not.

Are you always tired? Are you irritable or impatient? Are you sleeping poorly? Have you lost your enthusiasm for things you used to love to do? Are you depressed? Have you gained weight? Your thyroid can even cause your cholesterol to shoot higher.

Look at those symptoms. Is it any wonder why we're patted on our ever increasing behinds and told to go away? You know something isn't right but you have to go to doctor after doctor only to hear that your Type A personality has brought it on yourself. The other side of the coin is the doctor that treats the thyroid but doesn't listen to the person that's attached to the gland. Either one is frustrating. They treat a thyroid imbalance as something simple.

Take a pill and it will go away.

They don't realize fully what it does to you. This imbalance is not only a significant blow to the body. It is an equally significant blow to your brain. They don't treat the complexities of this imbalance and what it can do to your body and your soul.

Fortunately, I go to an endocrinolgist this week. Because this can be passed down my daughter is going with me. She has some of the same fishy symptoms that tells me she might have some problems in this arena. It will be nice to have someone listen and correct this imbalance with the right medications.

Once again I have hope that I might be able to feel even a little bit better. It's back to one baby step at a time. Even if I get the thyroid under control there's still the Fibromyalgia to be reckoned with and that is one big IF. I didn't get into this overnight but I do expect it to be gone overnight. Come on, I haven't progressed that much.

Is it the thyroid that keeps my hands cold and tingling or is it the fibromyalgia that makes them HURT? Right now they are beginning to hurt like holy hell. I've talked about taking a baseball bat to my legs when they start; well, I want to turn that same bat loose on my hands.

I just want to feel better NOW.

Monday, November 2, 2009



There is calorie leakage if you break apart; including, but not limited to, cookies, cakes, pies, cheesecake and assorted anything chocolate.


Popcorn, especially with butter, has no calories because it is a part of the total entertainment package.


If you're sick all bets are off. Anything you consume is medicinal. Feed a cold, feed a fever...oh you know!

I was blessed to receive these rules and now I'm passing the blessing on to you!



I wrote this last year.

Now we hear that the recession is over. Jobless rates are still up but they now compartmentalize this recession. The recession is over but the jobless recession may take a while to recover. How in the world have they rationalized that one?
What a horrendous year. The recession, so long denied, has finally been recognized by our government think tank. Those who are optimists, like myself, see us on the brink of something much worse. 1929.

The boomer's were given a post-war America that wanted much more for their children then our parents had for themselves. We turned into the proverbial spoiled brats; members of the "lucky sperm club" that had to work for nothing and had it handed to them. Like those spoiled little children, we frittered it all away. We became the generation of "if it feels good, do it." We became the product of Gordon Gekko. His mantra became ours. Greed is good. His brand of capitalism has become our downfall. We forgot that history always repeats itself and we forgot our parents values and turned our backs on honesty and truth. We became immersed in the absolute orgasmic high of accumulation. We became typical type A human beings without concern for anything or anyone but ourselves. Our nation is on the brink of collapse and we stand there while Rome is burning.

This nation used to live independently of the global economy so it would remain politically independent. If we don't change this nation will be owned by others within a very short period of time.
We gave away American jobs and shipped them to Mexico and India so that the voodoo accounting practices touted by the Harvard business school think tanks could enhance our bottom line. Our manufacturing, our jobs and our fiscal well being was being out sourced. We import what we used to see as "made in America." We became convinced that it does take a village and that in this global economy we need to depend on one another. We watching Enron strip workers of their life savings and pensions and then continue to allow the golden parachutes that allow CEO'S to rape and pillage and then quietly go away.
I believe we are watching the late, great days of America as a superpower. I believe we are watching the end of days. We are unwilling or unable to secure our borders. We have become so politically correct it's unthinkable that America would turn away illegal aliens. We're in another war we can't win, our currency is weak and the amount of debt we are passing along to our children is staggering. We throw around BILLION like it's chump change. We are so committed to trickle down economics that we truly believe our government can help us.

Chairman Bernanke is appalling. I wish I had the sound bytes from the last two years with him. Henry Paulson spending our hard earned tax dollars faster than he gets it, Chris Cox who has turned his head away from the biggest scandal in Wall Street history. We've got Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Barney Frank running this country. They put the blame and point fingers at everyone but themselves. They've bought AIG, Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae with our money. They should have let them fail. It was their policies that everyone should have a home that started this mess.
The very people who proclaim their servitude to the United States of America have the largest golden parachute of all. The Congressional Retirement program is designed to bend us all over one more time as they sign happy trails and ride off into the sunset. Instead of being indignant, we are lazy and self indulgent and refuse to vote the scumbags out of office.
We need to realize our way of life and living are going to be affected. We need fiscal responsibility and we need to bail out the taxpayer. The only way this economy can recover is to point that high powered lens that they look out of and turn that lens upon themselves.

Sunday, November 1, 2009


I made it through Halloween without sucking down 3/4 of the candy that was supposed to go to the kids that came to the door.

Not bad.

The kids who came at the end really made out. I dumped the rest of the M&M's in the kids bag and put a sign up that read, "no more candy." I was really impressed with myself. Instead of keeping it I made someone else o.d. on the sweet stuff!

I lit all the candles and turned on the music and we sat and waited for the kids. I think the dogs were more excited than anyone. We didn't carve pumpkins (or give them lobotomy as I like to say) but I found a picture that would describe the household.

Another Halloween gone and I didn't eat the candy!

It's a Halloween miracle!