Saturday, February 27, 2010


It's fantastic to see my daughter and future son-in-law so happy.  Last night was an engagement party with the kids and their friends. What a nice group of people they have surrounding them. The couples they know are bright, articulate, funny, educated and they have wonderful values. It doesn't get any better than that.

The thing that amazes me about age is that your mind doesn't catch up to your body. It didn't seem all that long ago that I was their age. The conversations all seemed the same. The only difference was the advice that was given to new mothers. Ah, the benefit of years of experience! It is unreal to think that I was a little younger than my daughter when I got married. I felt so old and in control of my life. Now, I look at her and realize that she's a grown woman that I raised with all love and care that I possess. She is lovely and this is my greatest accomplishment. I, on the other hand, finally felt my age. 

All the milestones that you have with your children; you can't wait for their first steps, their first day of school, their first dance, sweet sixteen, their drivers license, graduation. You go through their first kiss, their first love and their first heartbreak. It's bittersweet because as you go through all these "firsts" you also realize how quickly time passes. It flies by WAY too fast.

I don't mind my age, I really don't, but there are moments that you realize the torch is being passed and last night was one of them for me. The mom's and dad hung around and talked to each other and had fun with the kids but we were definitely "the parents." Funny, isn't it?

When they are little you worry that they will meet the wrong man but that is nothing compared to the feeling that you have when they meet the right man. Now she is moving away from me and toward her future. She is moving toward a future with a young man who is strong, stable, grounded, centered and looks at her with an amazing amount of love in his eyes. Watching him watch her almost moves me to tears. He tells me he would walk through fire for Danielle and I know that he would. Together they're funny, strong, stubborn and passionate. I have no doubt that the same passion that binds them will also produce a few arguments that will rival the July fourth fireworks. The good thing is that neither one of them are right-fighters. They want resolution that works for both of them. 

So as we prepare for a beautiful and memorable wedding ceremony I know that this is another one of the firsts that I've been waiting and preparing for a long time. They will have a good strong marriage and I'm so happy for them. 

I take that back.

I'm happy for all of us.

Plus, she's going to be a beautiful bride.

I love you both,


Thursday, February 25, 2010


It's going to be another long night.

When I checked the humidity levels a few moments ago, it registered 52%. Now I know that our memories play all sorts of tricks on us, but I swear, this year has been the most humid that I can remember. Maybe I just notice it more but I think I'm going to hunt for a chart and see if I'm right. I want to curl up in my ever-present fetal position.  I've become quite comfortable curled up with my heating pad. Thank goodness I force myself to get  up and put on makeup otherwise I can see how people pull the covers over their heads and just stay in bed.

I went with a dear friend today to sit through a timeshare presentation. That's one business I could not handle.  They come in smiling and call you "bro" and "lady."  They ask about your vacations and try to pull off some sort of investigation. Then you see a wonderful movie that's designed to put you under the ether. (It didn't work) Then  we went on a tour to see a couple of rat hole rooms that you'll end up paying about 5 grand a year (do you believe that one?) The pitch is that over time (reduce it to the ridiculous) you'll pay around 60 dollars a night. When we did the numbers for him and then pointed out that we were fronting the money for services not received, it was still about 5 grand a year and for that we could take an amazing vacation, he got very ANGRY. Boy, was he ticked when we left. I don't understand how people buy into the timeshare racket.  It didn't help that I was hurting and he was really getting on my nerves. I don't like phonies and today just wasn't the day to push it.

The only part I did like was that I got to play with him and use all sorts of big words that he didn't understand. I'm joking about the big words but he didn't understand elementary real estate. All he did was memorize the pitch. It wasn't a real good pitch either. Believe it or not, I had to compare this to a $25,000 gift card. Finally, he got what I was saying.

It is a tough business though. I couldn't do it. I can't deliberately screw someone just to pick up a commission. Real estate gets a bad rap but at least I can look myself in the mirror and know that the people who bought homes from me were happy and I made a difference in their lives. This is just a screw job.

So now I'm paying for my lovely outing. I've already taken the medication, melatonin and muscle relaxers and I'm still not sleepy.  My body is screaming and the spring of pain is winding tighter and tighter. 

I'm in a very pissy mood and I don't want to hear whining right now. Especially my own. Ever have those days where its just best that you're alone? I don't think anyone could even breathe right.  So I think I'll put on a movie and see if I have the patience to sit through it. If my hands felt better I'd try to shake off this mood by cleaning. I'll make a deal with myself. If I'm still awake at 2 I will get up and clean, hurting hands or not.

I hope tomorrow will be better. The rain is supposed to hit Saturday afternoon. Maybe then I'll get a break.

Sweet dreams.


The humidity is now 63%

The pain is somewhat under control because I gave up fighting it and just took the medication.

So now what happens? 

I have to be up early and I can't sleep.

Alpha waves are working overtime.

This doesn't bode well for tomorrow.

I hope I don't fall asleep during a presentation.

If I fall asleep I hope I don't snore or drool.

Maybe I should wear sunglasses.

This is just wonderful.

Will I feel wonderful ever again?

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


I can feel it building again.

I don't know why I should be surprised it's been this way for quite some time. 

What's weird is that the humidity is only 23%. I should be feeling a little bit of relief and I'm not. Strange, isn't it? Is it the humidity that's causing this flare or is it the insomnia? I know the rain is coming but at 23% I shouldn't be hurting this way.

I know that in Mayo Clinic articles they say that insomnia can increase the intensity of a Fibromyalgia flare. Well, I haven't been sleeping well. I also have had more activity lately. Even though it was fun, even though I got to see my family and even though I was looking forward to it; I  know that I overdid it that day. Could that cause it?

I know the my limitations. I don't like them but I know them. I know when my body says "stop" I should listen to it. But I don't. I still have perfectionist tendencies. I wanted the food to be "perfect." I wanted the house to be "perfect." I wanted the table to look "perfect."

Therein lies my problem. 

It's my family for goodness sake. They've seen me at my best and my worst. We've gotten together at a moments notice and no one cared if we ate cold spaghetti but here, on this day, my tendencies got the better of me and I could feel myself going off the deep end. 

And now I'm paying for it.

As I said, I'm still not sleeping well and that doesn't help. My stress levels are off the charts due to all the career crap in my life. Since I have to re-invent myself that is enough to send me reeling; and reeling I am. Coupled with the fact that I've been so intent on introspection lately I've just mixed up the perfect Fibro cocktail.

Pain is still that four letter word that consumes your life. You just get used to one level and then it reaches up and smacks you in the face. This is just to let you know that you shouldn't be too comfortable with this level. The only constant is change. It loves to play hide and seek and even though you don't want to find it, it will find you. I'm really trying not to be negative. I want to see the silver lining but it's a little difficult right now. I need to find out what I want to be when I grow up and when I grow up I don't want to live in pain. I don't know why I continue to ask questions when I already know the answer. 

It's amazing how quickly I can revert to Type A. I tried to be low key. I tried to pretend that nothing gets to me but even on Saturday I found myself getting anxious at the dumbest things. Did it really matter how the dishes were put in the dishwasher? Did it matter that the dishes were washed first rather than my daughter just doing a light rinse and then stacking the dishes in the washer? In the grand scheme of things all that mattered is that we were together; happy and relatively healthy. 

What else is needed?

A trunk full of hundreds would be nice.

Monday, February 22, 2010


I'm still trying to glue the fragmented pieces of me back together.

I didn't sleep at all last night. I finally got to sleep at 12:30 and by 2:00 I was up and unable to go back to sleep. I'd shut my eyes but it wasn't happening. It was alpha wave intrusion at it's finest. Finally at 6:00 a.m. I finally closed my eyes and woke up at 9:30.  I hate not being able to sleep. It causes so much more pain during the day.

If it's not my body and hands hurting like holy hell then it's the brain fog making scrambled brains in my head. If it's not the brain fog then it's the pain and insomnia. What the heck is going on with this?

Is it this bad with everyone else?

All I keep hearing on the news is "there's more rain coming."  What is this?? The humidity wreaks havoc on my system and I can't seem to get it back on track. Ok....let me check and see what the level is right now..

Be right back.

Yep. It's 36% and that isn't a good thing. Humidity and Fibromyalgia, at least in my case, do not mix. It's unbearable because I hate taking pain medication. I spend a lot of time in the jetted tub just to get my muscles to move and the heat feels good. I just want to curl up in a little ball and cry.

There is physical pain and then there is the emotional pain. Fortunately, the emotional pain has been numbed out by the physical. Lately, I've been feeling regret. I've been feeling so much regret for some very stupid decisions that I made many years ago. Decisions that affect who I am today. Decisions that affect the circumstance that I'm in today. I hate the black hole. I hate having the life sucked out of me by my own dark side. If I'd only known about this or accepted it years ago my life would be very different. 

The problem is that I didn't recognize it years ago. I didn't know what darkness drove me, why or in what direction it was going. It just turned inward and imagined all sorts of slights and hurts so I could drive the people I loved the most away from me. Fortunately, most of them didn't go away for long but there were a few that did stay away and I regret that the most. Sometimes you don't think that that the loss will matter but years later, I can tell you that it does.

I've been feeling a different kind of loneliness lately. I want to enjoy this life but at times I feel so helpless and paralyzed. That paralysis keeps me from going out and getting what I want. The funny thing is this circular pattern. I want out but I can't get out and I don't know what I want when I get out so I go back in and hide and then I want out and the pattern begins anew.

Thank goodness Pawn Stars is on. It will take my mind off of the fact that my body is screaming and my hands are hurting like hell. It will take my mind off of myself and keep me from sinking deeper.

I hope I can sleep tonight.

Humidity Sucks.

Sunday, February 21, 2010


I was right.

As my nephew-in-law stated, "it wasn't a meeting, it was a reunion."

Families met, told stories, laughed and bonded. 

It was a perfectly blended drink.

We watching wedding tapes, old movies and new engagement movies. We ate great food and just had a wonderful time. It had been so long since I've seen my family and I've missed them. My problem is that I'm too frozen to go out and be among the living again.

All I know is that I smiled and felt good for a short period of time during the day. I still had to take some pain medication because I started to hurt but having them around me helped, not only my disposition, but my pain.

I can't wait for the next time. 

It just can't take two years for it to happen because I do love them very much.

Friday, February 19, 2010


It's hitting me.

I've got family and friends coming over tomorrow and I need to get up and moving to prepare for it. 

18 of them are coming to my home. 

18 of them??? 

Did I also tell you that I'm cooking for all of them?


The Good: I can't wait to see everyone and there are members of my family that I haven't seen in over a year. It will give them a chance to meet my (almost) son-in-law. Did I say how wonderful he is?? It's a family that will blend and all of our habits and quirks will blend beautifully.

The Bad: It's going to rain.

The very Ugly: It's going to rain and I can feel it already.  I'm slugging down pain medication, my pain threshold is going out the window and my attitude is going in the toilet.

Gee, that sounds like I'm ready to get the party hats out! 

What I am looking forward to is the dessert that I'm going to make. 

I'm going to re-create a recipe that the cooking queens made the last time we met. Cake balls. I could make several comments but I won't. Well, it's tempting and I just may before this entry is over.

Red Velvet cake balls. Oh yes..................... just wait until you see them!

So while my hands and body are absolutely killing me the lure of chocolate is calling. Take two and call me in the morning?

I have always had balls.

Now I'll just have Red Velvet ones.

(see, I couldn't resist).

Thursday, February 18, 2010


A merry heart doeth good like medicine. Proverbs 17:22

What is the effect of laughter on the body and health? I love to laugh but I will admit I haven't laughed as much as I used to. Maybe that's not helping. Maybe my outlook needs to get a little brighter.

Maybe,  just maybe it's as good for the body as it is for the soul.

What does it do?

Laughter and Cortisol.

Laughter reduces cortisol in the body. It's been proven that chronic stress and the cortisol that pulses through the body on a continual basis does great harm. Laughter returns the body to it's relaxed state. 

Also, elevated levels of cortisol in your body suppress the immune system. So it stands to reason that..........

Laughter and the immune system.

Laughter must increase immune function. The science that studies laughter and it's effect on the immune system is psychoneuroimmunology. The positive emotion of laughter creates neurochemical changes that buffer the effects of stress and disease. By incorporating a healthy dose of laughter into your life every day your body opens itself up to it's natural healing resources. Your body will be working with you.  

Laughter releases endorphins.

Endorphins are the bodies natural painkillers and laughter produces a sense of well-being. People who laugh seem to be more tolerant of pain. Now, I'm not telling anyone to throw out their medication and turn on the Three Stooges but seeing the funny side of life can't hurt. In a recent study at Stanford they showed people comics while in an MRI machine and found that stimulates the part of the brain that releases dopamine; the feel good chemical.

Oxygen levels and a few calories burned.

Laughter improves the function of your blood vessels by reducing blood pressure and your heart rate and it enhances blood oxygen levels. The University of Maryland School of Medicine that laughter is linked to the healthy function of blood vessels. It appears to cause the lining of the blood vessels to expand or dilate to increase blood flow. What an amazing study! An added plus is that if you laugh for 10 minutes a day you burn 40 calories! Hey......every calorie helps!

So while it takes 72 muscles to frown and only 14 to smile, laughter is a little easier on your body. It's contagious and it feels good not only to you but everyone around you.

Researchers really are trying to prove that laughter is the best medicine. So maybe I should try a little research of my own. I'm a pessimist by nature. Cynical to the core but I do have a dry sense of humor. I also love physical humor. I need to remember how much I love to laugh. So tonight, instead of whining, I'm going to take my medication and not think twice. I'm going to put on a movie that will make me laugh. I'm still a cynic but tonight I'll be a laughing one.


Wednesday, February 17, 2010


I've prayed so hard for this weather pattern to be over. 

What is it with the humidity? 

At 9:00 in the morning,  it's 43% to be exact.

43 Percent??

Unfortunately, it needs to be less than twenty percent in order for the pain levels to go away to a point where I can feel wonderful and function on a semi-normal basis. Just when I feel like I'm making a little headway, here comes more rain. Las Vegas used to be wonderful because the relative humidity would average around 11%. It's like we always used to say........"hey, it's a dry heat."

With the rain comes pain and then the insomnia. It's real hard to sleep when everything hurts and the sleep that I've been getting isn't real refreshing. Typical flare.

That truck that keeps hitting me? Did ANYONE get the license plate number? 

So as I lay awake last night and prayed that I'd get drowsy, I thought about my future. What will I be able to do when the pain and insomnia do a tap dance on my system? I really don't want to be a slug but I don't feel like I'm up to the real estate world again. I don't even want to try to pretend that I'm happy about jumping up and down constantly in a sales office again, BUT...

How do you re-invent yourself at this stage of the game? I know it's possible but what path do you take when your brain is on overload and you don't know what you love to do anymore except whine, bitch, moan and complain?

Maybe I could be a weatherperson. No scientific training, mind you, but I can tell you what the pain index will be.

I could be a movie critic and tell you what DVD's to rent that will lift your spirits when you're wide awake at 3:00 a.m. praying for the pain to stop and to be able to sleep.

Maybe I could be the voice of reason that says it will get better and that it could be a lot worse. I could be MY voice of reason that states when you see the light at the end of the tunnel it's probably the train coming at you full speed.

Well, maybe I'll just get up and get my first cup of caffeine this morning and monitor what it does to the symptoms that have never gone away; symptoms that are starting to rear their ugly head once again. 

As I'm shuffling toward the kitchen and ponder all of this maybe I'll try to be just a little thankful as well.

(I'll have to dig real deep for the thankful part)

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


Is there a diet connection?

There are seven foods that people with Fibromyalgia should NOT eat. These dietary guidelines help a significant number of people but having said that, what helps one person may not help another. That's a good thing because some of the foods listed I will have a real hard time giving up.

1. Nutrasweet
2. MSG and Nitrates
3. High Fructose Corn Syrup, Sugar and Simple Carbs.
4. Caffeine
5. Yeast and Gluten
6. Dairy
7. The dreaded nightshades

Nutrasweet is an excitotoxin. Here is the controversy that I went through on my Diet Coke segment.  This is difficult because I love fountain Diet Cokes. What does make sense is that people with Fibromyalgia already have over-active pain receptors  so why push the envelope by giving your body more to deal with by drinking something filled with excitotoxins. 

Crap. That one is awful. Give up Diet Coke?? 

MSG and Nitrates.  This one? Not so tough. Experts say that the MSG and nitrates that are commonly found in lunch meats and bacon intensify the pain sensation.  No prob. I don't eat that stuff anyway.

Sugar, High Fructose Corn Syrup and Simple Carbs.

High Fructose Corn Syrup isn't hard. I hate how quickly it gets into our cells and I try really hard not to have anything with HFCS in it. I think it's terrible for you. Sugar?? Sometimes that is a little difficult especially when I need a Peanut Butter M&M fix. Ok......I can live with that. I don't like it but I can live with it. I don't need simple carbs because it all goes to the back end anyway.

Caffeine which can include tea, coffee, diet coke and chocolate. OK........all of this is just BAD. No way around's just bad. I don't even know what else to say except negotiations shut down when it involves chocolate OR caffeine. I honestly think I'd be comatose without it. I mean, I get tired now....let alone if I don't have a little caffeine in my system. 


Yeast and gluten. Well, at least after the last one, which I honestly don't see me giving up, here's one I can live with. I've never tried to go gluten free but I don't have a lot of bread so the yeast thing isn't tough for me. 

Dairy. Not a major deal. I could care less.

Nightshades are bad too. I love tomatoes, peppers, potatoes. Eggplant?? Don't care. I read an article that stated nightshades contain nicotene. Really? It isn't as bad as the chocolate negotiations but my three favorite veggies are all color peppers, tomatoes and potatoes. Crap again.

Most of these foods are tough for me. Do they exacerbate the pain? Could the researchers be right? 

I'll have to track my symptoms more closely and see what happens when I eat certain foods. Damn. I hope it's not the Diet Coke or caffeine.

That would really tick me off.

Reference article on WebMD by Collete Bouchez.

Monday, February 15, 2010


Speaking of resolving issues and that huge pile of leaves..........

I need to throw my ex in a bag and be done with it.

He loved Valentine's Day. 

I'm sure this one is no different. It's a day for love. It's a day for sharing. I just didn't expect to share him with anyone else.

So I am going to throw this particular bag of leaves in the garbage.

I know that the next woman will eventually find him on another dating site all the while thinking he is a man of honor, integrity and all hers. His pattern never changes. I think I'd try the single sites. I'm sure he's there. He loved names like Cutie Petutie and the Farkles or the Farklettes. He loves to say suggestive comments in all caps so you feel the urgency. He loves to ask if you can come out and play. The longer everything stays the same, the faster everything changes. 

This is one of those huge life choices that I made and if I could turn back time, I WOULD HAVE NEVER made that choice. I would have kicked him to the curb in a flash and never let him have the power to get under my skin.

I have always hated to fail. That's part of the problem. 

Ok.  Leaves are in and this particular bag is out. 



By the choices we make we create the life that we have.

Years ago a dear friend said this to me. We were discussing one of his girlfriends and she, in my opinion, had made a stupid decision not to marry him. Her life was in shambles and she just left. He said this about her. Carry forward and now this quote is still haunting me. I've never forgotten it.

When you really examine it you start to look at the choices you could have made and didn't. You also look at the choices you made to go forward but, in reality, they were choices to cover up the past. Is it a desire to move forward or a result of childhood baggage we still carry? Is it baggage that we don't even know we still carry?

Is the "me" that I see unworthy or unlovable? Where did this come from? Was the wound in childhood so severe that my choices based on this fear perpetuated it?  If it was a wound from childhood, why can't I remember it? Usually it's based on a trauma and the only one I can remember is the loss of my parents. Both sets. Somehow, there is a nagging feeling that  something is still in there that I can't quite put my finger on.

I think age matters.

As we get older I think it's only natural to look back. Hindsight and maturity bring a different perspective to life decisions. I think needs change also. What was important to me in my 20's and 30's is not where I am now. Basic needs never change but emotional needs do change.

What are my emotional needs? Even now, I'm not quite sure. Knowing requires getting through all the muck and walls I've created over the years to keep the imperfect and vulnerable from showing. I don't think many of us enjoy being open and vulnerable. To us "intimacy-phobes" it's the silver bullet. 

On the other hand, is there a possibility of too much truth about yourself? Why do I feel like I have to have all the answers? Maybe it is really a case of "if it's not broke, don't fix it." If we are living life without too many problems......who cares? Why do I have to be open and vulnerable? Do I really want to know?

Yes, I do.

Being vulnerable is a HUGE pile of leaves. If we would just rake them once in a while; all those emotional leaves would be nicely piled up, put in a garbage bag and thrown out. The problem is we let the leaves pile up and then when you try to have fun and jump in you find that they've been there so long the ones at the bottom are all yucky and icky. It's like trying to jump into a giant compost heap.

I'm wading into the pile of leaves that I raked.  It feels very icky at the bottom and I haven't even begun to get through it all. As I look around I take a big sigh. On top of all that I haven't even begun to start pulling the weeds.

Saturday, February 13, 2010


I am certain that there are defining moments in life. 

I am also just as certain that we let some of those moments slip back into our memory banks.

Years go by and we sometimes lose touch with those who were such an important part of our lives. What was precious and wonderful still brings a wistful smile to my face and a wish that for just one moment I could be back in English class with a group of guys that were, to me, the best group of guys in the whole world.

We spent times memorizing Hamlet. I can still recite most of my soliloquy. "To be or not to be, that is the question..."  We spent times breaking into uncontrollable laughter.  To one, I was his favorite Jew and the other wrote that I was a very special Rose. To me he was not only my number one Senior boy but my friend. It was three special people that had a bond that lasts until this day. No matter how much time has passed, no matter what has happened in our lives, the moment we re-connected time went away and we were once again the three that could laugh and share a special point in our lives.

It was a high point in my life to learn that one read this blog and that it touched his heart because many years ago he touched mine.


There is a growing number of researchers and holistic advocates  that are convinced that these toxins are the cause of a number of diseases and Fibromyalgia is one of them. Excitotoxins  are chemicals,  amino acids or food additives that over-excite the brains neurons and may cause them to burn out. They react with specialized receptors and cause their destruction and, according to several articles I read,  these toxins are present in almost all processed food. 

It seems that the liquid form of these toxins are giving scientists the most concern because the toxins reach your bloodstream quickly. The most common form is in diet sodas. Since the average person drinks of 43 gallons of diet drinks a year, if this is true, we could be drinking a lot of poison. As a Diet Coke or Pepsi  (I like both) junkie, I decided to investigate.

I've read the emails that went around. I got them all. I carry Diet Coke's everywhere. I'm partial to fountain drinks and enjoy them so my friends made sure that I was aware that I was drinking something that could clean batteries and at the same time eat up my insides. I used to say that I had it running through my veins.

While I'm sure it's probably not the best for you I'm not ready to buy into the aspartame controversy yet. I know that there will always be people that are hyper-sensitive to aspartame. There may be severe allergic reactions as well.  I know it's not a "natural" sweetener and I'm fine with that.  

The makers of Nutrasweet have also developed a sweetener called Neotame was approved in 2002 but it is not widely used in foods at this time. Neotame is heat stable and does not break down into phenylalanine. Phenylalanine, rather than being a dangerous chemical,  is actually one of the essential amino acids. From what I've read, the reason labels declare it on the label is for those with a sensitivity to it. There's controversy about that also.

So, while there is a ton of controversy floating around, there is also enough evidence to refute the claims. I personally don't think there is a conspiracy in regards to aspartame and will continue to read articles on both sides of the fence. 

Thursday, February 11, 2010


Not only was there some relief in the relative humidity today, but some of the pain is finally subsiding!

So in honor of not having to swallow medication all day today, I'm going to see Wolfman at 12:01! Oh boy!!! Of course, I'll have to take pain medication to sit in the chairs for 2 hours but it's worth it! The trailers were amazing.

So for the first time in quite a while I feel well enough to go out at a time that I'm usually cursing life because of the pain.

Here I go!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


I got into an argument with a cousin that said "if you just get up and move your supposed symptoms will go away."  She doesn't believe in it and even if she reads evidence to the contrary she'll never admit it. Thank goodness for the rest of my family. You can't get around it. There will always be some people that just don't get it. 

I told her I'd be writing about her and giving her a couple of facts that she could research. 

I hope she reads it.

Research is pointing to evidence that Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue syndromes involve the nervous, endocrine and immune systems.

It has been found that:

1.  The autonomic nervous system is not functioning properly.
2.  There are alterations in the pain related chemical transmitters in the spinal fluid.
3.  Blood flow and metabolic processes in the brain are not functioning properly.

Substance P (a chemical in the cerebrospinal fluid)  which transmits pain impulses to the brain is three times higher in people with Fibromyalgia that in the control group.


Neuroendocrine Immune Disorders


Enjoy the reading!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


It seems like it's been humid forever.

I hate to start whining but the it just sends me over the edge. I can't seem to do anything and I can't seem to feel anything but my body hurting.

I don't even like listening to myself anymore.

It has taken me so fricking long to type this and I'm not even halfway through. My hands don't work and typing this just hurts. Why am I still typing? I'm typing because it might help me get my mind off of the pain but, so far, it's not working.

Did I also tell you that my mood is in the gutter? Usually writing helps me. 

Not tonight.

I'm done.

Monday, February 8, 2010


Is for the Fatigue that I constantly have. It is for the Fun that I miss because I'm tired and tired of being in pain. It is for Fat because I don't get as much exercise because of the pain and my body has slowed down so the calories in the foods that I eat have attached themselves to my ass. It is for the never-ending Fog that you find yourself in on a daily basis. It is for Frustration.

Is for the ever-present Irritability. It is for the Icky way that I feel most days. It is for the Invisibility state that I try to remain in so that I don't have to answer too many questions about the way that I feel. It is for Imagination because that's what most people believe about where this illness lives.

Is for the Bitchiness. It is for the Bad days and it is for the Bummed out way that I tend to live at this point in this illness.  It is for feeling Beaten down because you've been Betrayed by your own body. 

Is for the Ridiculous way that the medical community refers to this disease. It is for the way that you have to Re-invent yourself to manage this illness. It is for the Realization that this will be with you for the rest of your life. It is for the constant Reminders that you have to leave yourself because you cannot Remember anything.

Is for the tiny shred of Optimism that I hang on to. It for those people who act so Obtuse about the fact that pain is a constant in your life by design and not by choice. It is for the Outstanding friends that come to your aid, understand and love you. It is for feeling Out of control of your life.

Is for all the Medical appointments that take up most of your days. It is for the MRI's and the tests that you'll go through trying to eliminate every other disease before they diagnose the Fibromyalgia. Is is for the Money that will fly out the window because all of those appointments and tests are very expensive. It is also for the Memory that will also fly out the window just like the  money. It is for the Management skills that you learn so that you can deal with this on a daily basis. 

Is for the constant Yawning because I'm so tired. It is for feeling Yucky. It is also for all the changes that you will make in your life and lifestyle as you Yield to Fibromyalgia.

Is for the Absence of real testing for a definitive diagnosis. It is for the thankfulness that there are medications that can Alleviate some of the symptoms.

Is for the Left-out feelings when you miss events because of the fatigue and pain. It is for feeling Lousy and Lifeless and like a Log when you lay in bed all day. 

Is for feeling Gloomy, Grouchy and Grumpy because of the pain. It is feeling Grateful for the Good days even though they aren't that plentiful. It is for feeling Guilty when you do lay in bed because you think you should be able to do something.......anything. It is for Grieving for the life I used to have.

Is for feeling the Irritation that you feel when people think that if you just get up and move around you'll feel better. It is for the Isolation. It is for the Invisible disease because you don't look sick. It is for getting Impatient with ourselves.

Is for Always looking for the bright side because it could be worse. It is for the Accusations of being neurotic instead of believing you when you say you don't feel well. It is for being Absent-minded.  It is for feeling Aggravated and Agitated. It is also for feeling Appreciative of your friends and family who love you when you are unlovable.