THE WINE AND DINE DECOUPLING

I really had to laugh.

Fibromyalgia affects your love life?

Duh.

Is it cold in here?

I've been asked to go to dinner by Mr. Dreamboat. I just can't wait....I've been looking forward to this for so long. I just need to get out of my house! My heart just skips a beat thinking about it...oh wait....is that him or atrial fibrillation?

Anyway.....

The big day is here. I awake to the birds chirping just outside my window. As I open my eyes to the glorious sunshine, I shut them quickly because the light hurts my eyes and bury my head in the pillow. Ow. I moved too fast and the morning stiffness has set in. Like the tin man begging for an oil can fix, I make my way to the coffee maker. 

Great. I mean great! 

I'm really looking forward to it.

Just in case, I put fresh sheets on the bed. Now, I'm so exhausted that I have to lie down and take a short nap. I tell myself that this is good and I'll be nice and refreshed for the evening. I have a lovely lavender spray for the sheets but as the spray wafts through the air, I start sneezing uncontrollably. I'm sure the redness around my nose will go away by dinnertime.

Since dinner is around 7, I figure that I need to start getting ready for the evenings festivities around 3. This will give me plenty of time because it will take that long just to tie my shoes. Did I just say that? OMG, that won't work....I have to put on the torture device called heels tonight. I'll need another nap after I get out of the shower. 

Damn.

I shouldn't have put on makeup yet. Now, I need to fix my mascara again because it's under my eyes after my nap. Crap. I will have to start over. At least I kept my hair in a towel. OK, makeup is washed off and I start over. It's now around 5:30 and I haven't even dried my hair. I hate this part because I have to stretch my arms up to use the round brushes.

Did I really agree to go out to dinner?

I don't look too bad but I'm starting to hurt. 

The stiffness and pain has returned with a vengeance and all I want to do is get in bed. 

Oh, knock it off. 

Just start smiling.

I'm asked if I feel good enough to go.  I manage to say, "oh yeah," with just the slight curl of my lips which look more like a snarl than a smile.

By the time I limp to the car I feel like crap. I pretend to look out the window because if I say anything I might give it away. Once in the restaurant I look at all the happy people and wish I could take a time machine back to before all of this attacked my body. The room sounds loud and the waiter bumps into my shoulder as he approaches the table. That's all I needed. Nothing looks good on the menu but, like the trooper I am, I manage to listen to the waiter blather on about the chef specials. 

I WISH HE WOULD STOP SPEAKING.

I'm tired of the noise, I'm tired of looking at food that I really don't want and I'm tired of the waiter coming by every five minutes asking if I'm OK. 

What really scares me is the look on my honey's face. He's oblivious to the internal war I'm waging and I can just tell that he thinks the evening will last past dinner. He grabs my hands and the pain shoots up my shoulder. My eyes gave everything away. Plans after dinner??

Not only no.

But hell no.

I hurt from sitting in an uncomfortable chair making small talk that I am in no mood to make. We made it through dinner and I think he could tell by the way I flinched as he touched my shoulder that anything else he had in mind for the evening was going out the window.

Now, let's go back to the article. 

Who the heck wants to be caressed when every bone, muscle and fiber of your body is crying out. Even if it's a low pain day, it's AWAYS THERE and touch is difficult. Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue make terrible bed mates. 

If it doesn't hurt...

you're too tired to care.

You just need to read the survey.

CLICK HERE

HERE'S MY NUMBER SO I'LL CALL YOU MAYBE

The stress of chronic illness.

Where do I begin?

Chronic illness:  the invisible shackles that bind us. It's been said that we "acquire" Fibromyalgia due to stress. What they fail to acknowledge is the stress that chronic pain brings along with it.

One of my favorites is agreeing to something social. Now, in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "should I put several caveats in the agreement so I don't look like a no-show again?" 

It seems that everything is a fight. Not a physical or verbal fight but a fight of circumstances. You feel like you are fighting against the immovable object.  I was driven, competitive and work obsessed. Then I got slammed and it all went out the window. When you have to redefine yourself....well, it isn't pretty. We go from mach 2 to ZERO and that takes its toll. That alone brings all kinds of stressors. Most of the people I know define themselves by their work and I was no different. 

I was in New Home Sales and loved it. It took a long time to get over the fact that I would never man a sales office again. There is a lot of climbing stairs, movement and memory involved. There are days that I still have a tough time dealing with it, not only because of the income, but I loved what I did.

So, back to feeling like cow plop.

When I have something I want to do it's kind of a crap shoot whether I'll go. If the pain level is manageable...of course I go....but on any given day....well, that's up for grabs too. Weather seems to bother me and it's been haywire lately. 

We want to go away and the stress of traveling is just one more thing. When you can't sit for more than 20 minutes and it's a five hour flight......what do you do? I don't love flying on the best of days let alone the worst of them. Just to get the bulkhead seats I had to get a doctor's note and show medical records for a reason that I have to sit there. Then the humidity levels are much higher than they are where I live......I'm just hoping that I can sit my fanny on a beach and not care how much pain I'm in.

Did we say stress? It seems that everything has stress attached to it. It may not be overt but it's still there. Why? Because we cannot fly by the seat of our pants anymore. Every little thing has to be planned out and accounted for......and even then it may not work out. I get so tired of being tired and in pain. I want to shake it off and have pain-free fun.

I want to get out and call people and enjoy life. Now, I'm afraid that I'll be a big drag because I just can't do what I used to do. Pain, fatigue and nerve damage.....did I say stress?

Gee............

Everything revolves around me.

That used to be a good thing,

Now, it's a pain in the fanny.

Notice I said fanny.

BODY APOLOGETICS

I know that we shouldn't do too much.

Having said that,

I offer my sincerest apologies to my body.

This time of year gets crazy. Partly, because it just is and partly because I tend to make it that way. I just love buying presents. I don't do it well because I get very excited and tend to give them before Christmas. Then I have to go out and buy some more gifts. This adds stress because my budget for presents is smaller this year.

I need to not shop until the very last day.

I love finding unusual gifts as well. My kids call them "my latest obsession." I use them as stocking stuffers and, to be honest, they're just goofy little gifts. One year it was dental dots and another year it was Blender Balls. 

Am I the only one that does this?

Anyway, since Christmas I've been staying close to home and close to my bed. My whole body feels like it's been run over by a truck or, as I like to refer to it; roadkill. I'm using this time to catch up and read blogs and articles that I haven't read in a long time. I feel like I've been neglecting my friends...well, I have been and I need to get back to them. My heart is heavy as I read how my friends feel right now.

This is a condition that plays with your mind. Chronic pain can bring with it all kinds of gadgets and it wants to set up housekeeping in your body. We still grieve for the life that we used to have but there is a difference between that and depression. 

Or feeling like we're utterly alone.

We go through this life blissfully unaware that at any moment our bodies could turn on us. When it does, it leaves us bewildered and afraid. The one thing we thought we could count on was our body. Is it any wonder that we don't know how to react?

We need to be very careful about the isolation that chronic pain brings to our lives. Isolation is depressions best friend. They want to lure us to that dark place and share with us its lies. It will tell us that this fight isn't worth it. It will whisper its lies to us every day and with every passing moment that lie gains a foothold on our minds. We have to remain vigilant.

That's where the battlefield is.

If there is one person out there that needs our strength then we need to be there for them. All of us lose our strength and will at times. We all need each other. We need each other to share our joys and triumphs and our laughter and tears.

I pray that the new year brings comfort and relief from our physical pain as well as our emotional pain.

I pray that the new year brings an avenue for each of us to realize and reach for our dreams all the while staying mindful that we need to recognize and accept our limitations.

I pray that the new year brings an awareness of Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue and the research necessary to find a cause and a cure.

I pray that the new year brings renewal and restoration to those that I know and love.

I pray that we're also a little bit kinder to ourselves.

JAR OF HEARTS

Just when I think I've got a handle on my life.
Something comes up.
And it proves that I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

You know.......I've learned how to handle pain. I've accepted that I have to find a different direction for my life. I've even tried to put the past behind me. I've congratulated myself that I was able to feel like I've buried one of the most hurtful situations of my life and moved on.

I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

My daughter asked how I felt about this particular issue. I really thought that I could take a highly charged emotional issue and put it aside. Running into it head on proved to me that there are some things in this life that will stay with me for my whole life and there isn't a thing I can do to change that. 

I don't even think I want to try.

My daughter and I are practically cloned. When we give our hearts, either to some thing or someone, that's it. I don't know whether that kind of intensity is a good or bad thing. For her, it's very good. She has found the love of her life and they will both do everything in their power to keep it alive and stable. They have a love and respect for each other that's obvious to the people around them. It's not just the honeymoon phase that I'm talking about. It's a deep regard and love that has them putting each other first and foremost. Not to say that they haven't had issues but they have a commitment and their word is their bond. Nothing on this earth could make them break that vow they've made to each other. 

It's truly a beautiful thing to witness.

I've experienced loss; of my parents and the loss of the people that I've loved more than life itself.  I've felt gratitude that I've had the good fortune to feel that kind of love for another person. When it ended I thought the earth was going to open up and swallow me whole. It didn't and I didn't wither and die even though I felt like I would. 

Now I've found out that I didn't move on like I thought I did. I've opened myself up for another dose of that soul-sucking feeling all because I got curious. Well, you know what they say about curiosity. That saying is absolutely true. Whenever I get curious I get in trouble. I have this penchant for putting everything to rest and it takes a great deal for me to do that. Fortunately, I don't normally make the same mistake twice.

I'm not going to dwell on it either.

For once in my life I'm not going to push the envelope. I'm going to keep my little Miss-fix-it hands out of it and trust that life will work itself out. 

I like to say that.

Have I ever done it?

"Go with the flow" is not my forte.

ANALYZE THIS

Do other people also wish they had a real handle on their lives?

Just when I get one hurdle crossed.

Another one pops up.

I've been called tenacious and, so I've heard, it's one of my more "endearing" qualities. It's just that I have an insatiable curiosity and when something doesn't make sense I have to try to put it in some sort of order so that I can process it correctly. The other part of that equation is that when I want something I never give up.

Where is the fine line where tenacity turns into stupidity?

There comes a point of acceptance, I guess. Sometimes there's no way to make sense out of something that will just never make sense. You can't fit the square peg into the round hole and I should just leave it at that.  I used to say, "there's Mr. Right, there's Mr. Right but I want the one in the back that will really screw up my life." I have always tried to change the unchangeable but, then again, I've always tried to fight City Hall too.


I wish I had the recognition between the "able to do" and the "I shouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole." 


I just don't understand why I just can't leave something alone and not try to figure out the why. I guess after almost 60 years, maybe I'm just not able to change the process. Maybe I shouldn't want to. It's like changing the rules in the middle of the game. You just don't do it.


Having chronic pain changes you and it plays with your confidence. I think it's difficult to put up with some of the physical limitations that arise when the flares are out of control. Couple that with the emotional issues that come along with the pain and it can be a real recipe for disaster. 


I don't understand why people walk out of your life without an explanation. It is beyond my ability to process. I know I should just accept it and let it go but my thoughts don't work that way. I have always liked hearing the bad news so that I could deal with it and move on. Without that, I tend to look back and that's not a good thing.


Maybe it's this urge to analyze everything. Well, that's not quite it. I analyze, over-analyze, do a quick once over again and then start the process over again. After that I beat it into the ground, kill it, bury it and then resurrect it to analyze it all over again. Now, if I could just do this before I act, I'd be ahead of the game.


So once again I've thought myself into a nice little flare. I have decided, though, I'm still going to go to the gym and walk through this even though the pain is still there.


Let's add this up.


I've got physical pain.


I've got emotional pain.


I've got enough baggage to take a trip around the world.


I sound like a real peach...................

THE WINDOWS OF THE SOUL

I truly believe it.
Eyes are the windows of the soul.

There are people that don't look you directly in the eye. Call it vibes if you want but I believe we are given a sense about the people with whom we come in contact. Some people actually make the hair stand up on the back of your neck. On the other end of the spectrum there are those people that we know we can be totally ourselves and curl up in the security of their very being. 

Thank goodness I've met a few of those too.


I've met people that say all sorts of interesting things to you but you can feel it almost physically and know that it's not the truth. Your body reacts and if you listen to it you can learn a great deal about people. We have a sixth sense that we should let come through. Is it a perception of a fleeting expression that we didn't even know we noticed? 


Intuition comes from deep within us. Is it just our brain rapidly going through our internal file cabinet and then reaching a decision based on something or someone in our past that gave us a similar reaction? Do we really have understanding or do we just feel the emotion? 

I've been feeling so isolated lately. I feel like I've just been punched in the stomach and the twins (pain and fatigue) have reacted accordingly. It seems all I do anymore is yawn and sleep. I just can't seem to get it together. It's been a major crash extraordinaire and even as I type this I know I'm going to have to shut everything down and go to sleep.


I thought that if I finished this when I woke up I'd be a little more clear-headed. 
Wrong.
I'm still feeling somewhat muddled.


I'm just so glad that I've got people around me that make me feel, well, like me again. One person I've known for 32 years and I appreciate his quiet strength and friendship so much. He's got his own battles and no matter what happens I would always be there if he needed me and I know that he'd do the same for me. 


We should all have a friend like that.


I just know that people always tell us who they are. They ALWAYS tell us who they are. We just don't choose to listen. We overlook the red flags that are out there and convince ourselves it just couldn't happen to us. Red flags are the symbol to tell us that there is danger. It is the symbol that tells us to stay out of the water. We ignore the red flags because we really want to be in a relationship. We see the flags but we still go into the water not believing that we could drown. No matter what we do we will taste the sand on the ocean floor.


Sometimes we just don't listen.


If we would we could save ourselves from all sorts of problems.


It could simply just save us.

HELP IS A FOUR LETTER WORD

Help.

It's just not for the Beatles anymore.

Why is it so easy to help others but so very difficult to ask for help ourselves? It's almost as if the very word "help" gets stuck in our throats and it's there.......it's there.........but were still not quite able to say the words. It's not just the words either. Doing for others is such a wonderful blessing. It lifts our spirits and gives meaning to our existence. 

Why then is it so difficult to accept?

Maybe it's the admission that we are not quite perfect. No one likes to admit they they don't have their lives quite in their control. Maybe the admission of needing help makes us feel weak and vulnerable. Maybe it's not the admission but the act of receiving. 

Does receiving make us feel not only weak but obligated? Or is it the imposition?

No one likes to impose on other peoples lives. Well, I shouldn't say no one. I know people that have no problem asking for anything. They can't do for themselves so they depend on other people's good will to survive. It's the ever-present drama that keeps them going. It's a drug in their veins and without it they feel meaningless. If life isn't high intensity or high drama then they feel the need to create it.

I just wouldn't want to be lumped into that category.

I guess we all sell ourselves short at times. The people I know, the friends and family, would probably drop everything to help me. They wouldn't find it an imposition, they would do it out of love.  Now I'm rambling but maybe it's the outpouring of unconditional love that's hard to accept. It's beautiful, amazing and very humbling. 

In real estate I used to break everything down to the ridiculous. Maybe that's what I'm doing here. If I break it down far enough I might be able to find the reason it's so difficult to accept help. 

So let's keep breaking it down.

Humbling. 

Accepting help is humbling so if that's the case then it's pride that keeps us from asking. We portray ourselves in a certain way. We all have this idea of our "image." Suddenly we find that image crumbling and there is a sense of shame that follows. Going to the great lengths that we do to maintain our own personal pride is counter productive to our health. 

Imposing. 

We don't want to inconvenience others so if that's the case we don't feel worthy to accept help from others.

So is that it? 

We have too much pride and don't feel worthy of the help?

There's an old saying. If you see a turtle on top of the fence post, you know he had some help. I think the idea is to look at help in a different manner. If help makes you feel weak then don't look at it like that.

We all need support to get where we are going in this life. Support is the pillow that we sink into at the end of the day. It gives us rest and it gives us comfort. Sometimes all the support in the world can't help us with the pain or discomfort we feel but what it can do is helps us through those times. The path that we walk on is filled with pain but the support that we receive from others can help buffer those times. We may feel out of control or weak. We may feel awkward. We may feel like an inconvenience. We may feel many things that don't fit well and feel uncomfortable.

But.

There is still one simple truth of this universe.

We can't get by without each other.

Think about it. We need others for the very physical aspects of our daily lives; our basic necessities like heat for our homes, the grocery store, gasoline.....everything we consume or need depends on other people. We need others for our emotional nurturing as well. When we came into this world we had love and comfort. We put such a high value on our own independence that we virtually trained ourselves to believe that support isn't necessary. 

When it comes right down to it I think the biggest reason we don't ask for help is because down deep we fear rejection. It comes down to rejection and vulnerability. What if we go through all of this and swallow our pride, ask for help and then we're told no.

Is it the "no" that is at the root of it all?

Maybe that's it.

We're afraid of no.

Great. 

Now I have really done it.

I've made myself afraid to raise my hand.

Hayzell at Possibilism.org is hosting the blog carnival and thanks to her for inviting me!

MOODS AND MODES

Chained.

Again.

Blue Rose.

Apropos.

I thought I'd be starting off the New Year in a better frame of mind and less pain. See, that's what happens when I think too much.


I don't know if it's the cold weather or the humidity but I'm just feeling like crapola. I'm either in bed or the bathtub. Now, I love my bath bombs but I'm going through them like there's no tomorrow. The only cool thing is that I found my portable DVD player that I got as a Christmas gift from KB Home years ago and now I can watch movies while I'm in the tub. Just add a diet coke (I know..I know....caffeine is bad) and I'm in heaven.


So what to do? Right now I'm in bitchy mode. I hate the fact that I have to take pain medication to function without pain getting the better of me. The kicker is that they only take the edge off the pain. I am really afraid to take enough to be completely out of pain. I honestly don't know how much it would take to do that. The way I feel, it would probably be enough to make me a zombie. I've upped the magnesium and calcium. Still taking the Vitamin D and B vitamins. I like the liquid because I think it gets into my system faster. Does it help?  Who knows..........


I'm taking so many supplements that food sounds icky too. Now, you would think I'd be real happy about that. Well, I would be happy about it if it would result in weight loss but zippo on that fact too. That's the other thing. I can't lose one fricking pound! I have a real bad attitude toward food. If I eat, I gain weight. Even if I eat 1200 calories a day and walk at the gym; I don't lose weight.


See? I told you I was in bitch mode.


So..........


Let's try and make something positive out of this post. 


What did I learn from 2010? 


I learned how to look backward in time with objectivity. I cannot change the past but I can examine it, learn why and how and, hopefully, learn how to let  go and move forward. I'm learning that the phrase, "that doesn't work for me," can help me say no gracefully and without guilt. I learned that it's very difficult for me to receive help from other people. I don't know how to receive  without feeling weak and helpless. Those emotions are very difficult for me to deal with. I've always been in control and this illness makes me feel so very out of control. 


I've learned that one simple act isn't actually simple. The domino effect from a simple car accident has caused my life to spiral out of control. I'm still dealing with the emotions of anger because of that. Because one person didn't look where they were going I've lost a great deal and I don't know when the bleeder from all of this will be tied off. I keep telling myself that it could have been worse, and I know it could have been physically worse, but for me it's cut me off at those proverbial knees. I did partially define myself by my career and I still struggle with the loss but I'm not sure how to re-define myself and I struggle with that too.


I've learned so much about chronic pain and illness. I've made so many friends through this process and I don't feel so cut off and isolated. The problem is that I still hate the telephone. It's difficult to hold and it's difficult for me to talk. Let me rephrase. It's not difficult to talk, it's difficult to answer. It's difficult to answer questions about how I feel or how I'm doing. It's that feeling of being out of control and feeling vulnerable. I know that's my weak point and I know those emotions aren't real comfortable for me.


So for 2011 I know that I need to work on releasing my anger about the accident and working on my control issues. I know that I'll be spending a lot of time in bed with the pain and I know that my daughter better by stock in Basin White so I can keep up my stock of bath bombs. 


I actually do some of my best thinking in the tub.


If that's the case I may never get out of the bath.


Prune city hear I come.

TIME CAN HEAL ALL WOUNDS

It's funny how things change.

Life, Ideas and Beliefs.
You.
Time can heal all wounds.

It was Thanksgiving Day and it was going to be a long day. The pain had started early in the morning and it was hard to walk. I knew I better start the pain medication otherwise I'd be crying before I even arrived at the in-laws; or the outlaws, as we like to call ourselves.

I didn't want my daughter to be worried about me and seeing me wince in pain would definitely do that. I prayed that the medication would take effect and at least help me pull off my little charade of feeling just fine. Her dad and his wife were also going to be spending the day with us and I wanted it to be a day of joy, not one of worry. 


For so long I blamed my former husband for the events that led up to our divorce. I had a lot of anger that I kept buried deep inside. What I didn't realize is that the anger was there long before I even got married. I still don't know everything that is buried in there but he got damaged goods and neither one of us was aware of it. You can't fully love anyone else unless you love yourself first and that was my problem. I didn't know how to be open and vulnerable, well, I did but it wasn't going to happen. The added plus was that if he did see what was underneath all of that he wouldn't love what he saw. Having gone through all of that and very slowly came out of it, I wasn't sure how I felt about spending the day with them. All I did know was that my daughter wasn't going to pay for my insecurities and I was determined to smile, no matter what.


The conversation during dinner was so easy. The families were blending beautifully and I couldn't ask for anything better. Then my former husband asked me if I'd spoken with my aunt lately. 


Maybe it was all the carbs and the sugar but I had a moment of clarity. I'm not saying my ex-husband was an angel but my reactions to the issues and problems that we had were way over the top. He was surrounded by the women in my family who had their own problems in their marriages and, in this case, misery really loved company.  I have no idea if we would have worked everything out but it seemed that everyone from our pastor (and that is whole other story) to my family was actively sabotaging our marriage. The scary thing is, I allowed it, reveled in it and did my part to destroy it.


It took me a very long time to get away from the dysfunctional dynamic this side of my family possessed. It was a family that needed drama, intensity and high volume to survive. The women were strong and heaven help you if you got in their way. Well, they would just steamroller over you and that was that. I ended up with them because I had lost both of my parents and I moved in with them.  The trauma of losing both of my anchors so early in my life took a huge toll on me. I already had issues with abandonment and losing my parents cast those issues in stone. I took on the personality of my aunt as my own and even when I disagreed I couldn't open my mouth. I felt that if I did take an opposite stance I could lose another set of parents. I was locked up in a prison of my own making. 


When my aunts and cousins marriages were breaking up I was at ground zero in the middle of the perfect storm. As far as everyone was concerned, men were bad and then it turned out that my husband couldn't even breathe right. I was in an environment of malice and I couldn't stop it. I felt powerless and I went right along with all of it. It wasn't until they turned on me as well that I found out that I still had my own personal power; and, at that point, I used it. However, by the time I used it the cost was very high. I had been a loose cannon and everything was fair game. By the time the storm had stopped there was a lot of devastation in its path.


It's bittersweet to look back and think of the different paths that could have been chosen. There are ways to handle conflicts and I chose every wrong one. It took a long time for me to finally be at peace and I value that more than anything I possess. I can now look at him and, with all my heart,  thank him for the years we did have together and for our beautiful daughter. 


I can say how sorry I am, and mean it. 


I don't have to preface everything with, "if you hadn't......... then I wouldn't have....."  


I guess I've grown more than I realized.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANIELLE

This is one of my favorite posts.

For many reasons and on many different levels.

It's been thirty years in the making.

I can honestly say that there is nothing else in this life that has brought me greater joy than my daughter Danielle. I said that the first time I felt her move and I can say it again today. There truly is no greater gift in this life than your children.

I remember being in the bathtub about three weeks before she was born. All of a sudden she dropped and I could breath deeply for the first time in months. I didn't care about any of that. All I could think about was that she was getting ready to come into the world. I started thinking about so many things. I prayed she'd be healthy and I prayed that I'd be a good mother. 

I had no idea how deeply I'd fall in love and it only took an instant.

I had a C-section and as they cut me open and brought her out into this world, she was looking around the room. She always did things her own way and it started from the moment she took her first breath. At three months she started to shove my hands away so she could hold her bottle herself. She was independent and wanted to do things her way.  Nothing much has changed. Danielle was definitely not the type of child to be reined in. The only thing I could do was draw a big circle and let her move freely within it. She could make any decisions within that circle but if she took one step out her little fanny was mine and we worked well together within that framework. When a lot of children and parents were at odds, Danielle and I drew even closer together.

We moved to a new house when she was four and we built a HUGE sand area in the back yard. She had her own little house out there but it wasn't quite enough. She wanted a microwave in there so she could make her own hot dogs in her own house. She ate pyracantha berries and ran when I tried to take them out of her mouth. She walked at 8 months and ran shortly thereafter. Nothing would ever be the same again.

When asked at school what we wanted to do in outer space she replied, "I want to ride a shooting star." There she is in one simple statement. She wrote about the red dress that I wore when I went out at night and canary diamonds. I then told the teachers that I wouldn't believe anything that Danielle said about them if they would do the same in return. She wrote a report on amphibians in the first grade and found a National Enquirer that said "Woman gives birth to frogs," and used that as her research. Her teacher called me and laughed like crazy while I was cringing. She gave her an A.

Danielle has her own code and way of looking at things. She is fiercely independent and loyal. Heaven help you if you come against anyone or anything she loves. She doesn't give many second chances. She also doesn't have many shades of gray; trust, loyalty and love are the words she lives by and expects the people in her life to live by them as well. Did I mention stubborn?

I've always been immensely proud of her and, again, nothing much has changed. I may not have agreed with all her decisions but they were hers to make and the lessons learned were hers also. She has always known that whatever decision she makes, good or bad, I'll be right there beside her. 

She's met the man who will be her life partner and its a good match. It's full of fire, passion and love. They share a wonderful trait; when they give their word it's gold. He lives by the same codes and values that she does.  I have no doubt that 50 or more years will go by and they will still be together looking back on a life full of joy and yes, challenges and wonder. They will treat their love as something profound and rare; something that shouldn't be wasted. I can't wait to give her away to this wonderful man. He's not my son-in-law, he's my son and I couldn't be happier about this match. 

So thirty years has gone by since the night that I gave birth to her. It was the most wonderful night of my life and it has been such a joy to watch her grow into the lovely, giving and gracious woman she's become. I can only hope that she will avoid the mistakes that I've made and I hope that she has as much joy and fun with her daughter as I've had with her. Danielle is my greatest accomplishment in this life. I couldn't love anything more. She will learn so many life lessons when she has her children but, most importantly, she will learn the lesson of true unconditional love. 

I've passed on the curse and I know it works.

I had a little girl just like me and I know she'll have one just like her. Over-reaction runs rampant on the female side and she'll have a whole lot of fun with her little girl. I really can't wait to see it. Her soon-to-be husband will have to sit back and shake his head. Me? I'll be laughing and reveling in the perks that grandchildren bring.

She's wonderful, strong and full of life.

 She is my daughter.

She is her own person.

She is beautiful, inside and out.

She is Danielle.

I love you more, my baby!

Happy 30th Birthday!