THE PLAGUE AND SHOES APPROXIMATION

WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?
The plague.

I went out a couple of weeks ago. I was actually feeling pretty good! I was feeling so good that I wore my black heels. The heels that were my mainstay. The heels I could run in and not trip. The heels I desperately missed.  The heels that came off the minute I walked in the door.

Then I got the plague.

There's an icky virus going around.

It's a cross between the flu and a really bad cold. 

And it doesn't go away.

Believe it or not, I've had this for a month. It started out as a sore throat and I went downhill rapidly from there. I bought all the packages of Chloroseptic that CVS had in stock. After a week of fevers coming and going and feeling like crapola I broke down. I went to the doctor. 

So, between the plague and the fibro...

This feels like the worst flu (without the stomach stuff) that you could ever imagine. Except it doesn't go away. All you want to do is go to bed and put the covers over your head. Everything hurts and aches. Kinda sounds like Fibromyalgia doesn't it? You wish it would disappear. (Just like the Fibro!) I've watched every crap show on Direct TV that I could find. I'm bored and my attitude is in the toilet. Please, please go away and take this stuffy and alternately runny nose and hacking cough with it. It's hard enough to sleep at night. Waking up every hour because of coughing just doesn't make it easier. So.....here I go chugging Robitussin all night. (hey doesn't dextromethorphan help the pain of Fibromyalgia????)

The antibiotics make me feel worse than I already felt. I don't do well on certain ones and now, it seems, I can add another one to the list.  First, you have to eat when you take them otherwise they tear up your stomach. That is a killer for me in the morning. I try to eat a piece of toast but I just don't like to eat when I first wake up. I only want my coffee and diet coke.  After I take the antibiotic, I'm so tired that I just want to crawl back in bed. I can't hold my eyes open and I just feel lousy. Sick and tired.

After a week of this something doesn't feel right. I should be getting better. This just can't be right. I call the doctor and he agrees. The first set of antibiotics didn't do the trick. I had to go back for a second helping. Yep.....let's change the antibiotics. Now, I'm starting ANOTHER seven days of medication. I have to be on the antibiotics because it's gone into a bronchial infection and he's worried about pneumonia. Yippee. 

What do I hate the most about this? I look terrible. My nose looks like a clown nose. Every touch of a Kleenex makes it even worse.  I think I've gone through 10 boxes in the past week. My face is red, my eyes are watery,  my nose is red, my cough is icky and my bones ache. My hair is hanging and I've worn the same t-shirt to bed for a week. I stopped looking in the mirror a few days ago. I'm breathing in essential oils that helps my breathing. Poor little Buster, he stays right by me and won't go out until I get out of bed. 

The fibromyalgia makes our bodies feel lousy on a daily basis. 

So what does this do? 

My favorite saying......

Add a tiara.

Hmmmm......a clown nose and a tiara......

I don't think the circus would take me right now. 

Bleh......

I'm feeling too lousy to change my sheets...

I'm feeling too lousy to change my t-shirt.

I'm feeling too lousy to do much of anything.

Snoopy had it right......

IT'S BEEN A BAD DAY

I'm tired.

And it hurts,

And it's not going away,

There are days that I still don't know who I am. It seems to vary from day to day. I mean, I know the basics haven't changed but some traits seem to ebb and flow and I never know what trait is going to appear.

I was going through my closet and it started me thinking. I know....very bad thing to do. I tend to get the past and present confused. I still think that I'm able to run around in 4 inch heels and, at the drop of a hat, get up run around all day long. Maybe I shouldn't have started looking at my shoes.  I always get depressed when I see the beautiful shoes and realize that I can't wear them anymore without pain. Maybe it would be worth the pain to wear them............

Oh, who am I kidding?

The problem is I asked opinions. Should I keep them or give them away? Then I started thinking again and this time I started thinking about me. The me that I was and the me that could be again??

I was always semi-snarky. It's one of my personality traits that I happen to love. I have no patience with my own stupidity let alone others. I'm never rude but in my head I've said all sorts of things that I wouldn't want coming out of my mouth. I'm one of those people that truly enjoy sarcasm; in all honesty, I'm fluent in it. I get frustrated with myself when I can't remember people, places and appointments and I still get impatient with others. Especially when I'm in pain. Pain doesn't turn off an on at designated times. I wish it could. The only thing I'm certain of anymore is when the humidity starts to rise.

So it's back to finding me. The me who loves to laugh. The me who loves the ocean and could think of nothing better than waking up to the sound of the waves. The me who loves the Roadrunner and Yosemite Sam. The me who loves to read and play on computers. The me who loves to go on road trips. The me that finds beauty in nature. The me that loves photography. The me that loves to cook and play in the kitchen. The me that loves movies and television, especially crime dramas. The me that would love to hold hands while walking and talking about absolutely nothing. The me that would love waking up next to my best friend. The me that also has a reclusive side. The me that is confident and self assured. The me that struggles with depression and pain. The me that has Fibromyalgia and doesn't want it to define my life. The me that still struggles with that concept. 

I know that many of us struggle with finding ourselves in the midst of the pain. Pain has blurred the knowledge of ourselves that we used to take for granted. I'm so glad that we can open up to each other with our joys and our fears. We have the cloak of this invisible illness that we wear around our shoulders that gives us a personality all its own. 

This illness wants to suck the life out of us.

And it's a battle every day not to let it do that.

My problem? 

Or one of them.......

I make stupid decisions when I'm in pain.

Oh well.......

I shouldn't look at my shoes.