A CATAGORY 5 HURRICANE

I don't know if what I've been through,
can be called a flare.
A flare?
It's more like a bomb went off.

This has been a difficult post. I want to convey how bad this flare actually was and balanced so that the people I care about don't worry. The worst has passed but I've never, since my diagnosis, been through a time as bad as this one. Fibromyalgia is sneaky. You can be fine one day and crash the next. Heck, you can be fine one minute and crash the next and that is just what happened to me. I've had bad days and fair days and semi-ok days. So what's the big deal about this time? What happened? I was blindsided. 

I went into denial. OK...It will be better in a few days. Then I went into a soul sucking vortex of pain and the inevitable depression that kind of pain brings with it. In other words, the twins visited with a vengeance. Maybe I should have gone to the doctor looking like I felt; something the cat just dragged in the house, something that would scare babies and small children. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to suck it up and put on my big girl panties. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I think I'm conditioned not to admit this kind of pain. The pain that makes me feel weak.

So what did I do?
I went off the grid.
I didn't want to go anywhere.
I didn't want to see anyone.

I tried the doctor. His answer? Just up the opioid. I didn't want to go there. They truly scare me. I respect the power of these medications and I don't want to go down that slippery slope. If I can't deal with it on 5 miligrams then I will just have to try something else. Binge watching Two and a half Men, Big Bang Theory, Criminal Minds and Blue Bloods? Nope. Didn't work but it's a pretty good distraction. Let's try something else.

Let's start with balneotherapy. Ha! I got in the bath with Epsom salts.

Usually I can stay in the tub and get through the aches. This, however, was not the icky ache. This was the voodoo pain that was stabbing me in every joint that it could find. 

And it didn't let up.

When a flare like this hits it just doesn't go away. From the moment we open our eyes to the moment we close our eyes we're engaged in battle. We all think we're wimps but nothing is farther from the truth. We battle depression that springs from pain. We battle constant pain that ranges from throbbing to gut wrenching. We battle ourselves because we constantly think that we're inadequate. Being in jail handcuffed and bound is so tough to take. There will be limitations on body and psyche. 

Limitations?
Throbbing?
Gut wrenching?
I flew by that about day 5.

I decided to put the covers over my head and just give in. There is a time when it's appropriate to surrender and though that truly goes against my nature, I did it. I really understood how people can just give up. Now, I do believe that attitude can help or hinder just about everything in your life. It can push us beyond "the can't." I understand that. But, there are times it's hard to find no matter how much we try. I was in one of those times. I threw myself every pity party there was and it still didn't help. I tried to tell myself that if I would just improve my attitude then my symptoms would go away. 

They didn't.
It made me think that I was the master of my own demise. 

I think the problem is that there is no middle ground. We are not allowed to be tired or have pain. We're supposed to just suck it up and multi-task our little stressful lives to the fullest. We're supposed to be tough and push through pain and fatigue. It's not too much to ask is it? Life is supposed to be lived and if we can't do that it's because we don't have the emotional strength to deal with pain. People think we have more of a defective mindset rather than a real illness. If you are ill and you give in to it....you are weak. Now, even if the pain is severe you are expected to just take a Tylenol and deal with it. Well, that's fine for the short term but evidently the powers that be figure that, for the long term, liver damage is better than addiction. They can't even find a middle ground.

I read about how to cope. 

I know it.

I use it.

But sometimes it just doesn't work.

Sometimes you just have to bow your head...

Say a prayer....

And weather the storm.

THE FIBROMYALGIA SERIES PART A

There are so many things we can't do. 
But by the end of this long word.....
there must be quite a bit we can do.

A - is for alive. We can be thankful every single day that we are alive. No matter how bad it gets, it's better than the alternative.

A - is for acceptance. This has changed our lives, no doubt about that.....however, we can still lead full lives. Our body just will remind us we can't go every day at full speed.

A - is for adapt. We've learned to accomodate our lifestyle to our bodies needs. It's ok....we can still find something to do to help others navigate this "thing" called Fibromyalgia.

A - is for authentic. The best thing we can do is be our authentic self. I can tell you that Fibro helped me find that. Being in sales I had been used to being a chameleon. It tends to cloud who and what you want. It took awhile but I no longer feel I have to please everyone else BUT me.

A - is for achievement. I was watching Dancing with the Stars last night and Amy Purdy is truly inspiring. For all her limitations she became an amazing, accomplished woman who put her disability in it's place. Look at what she has achieved in her life and then tell me that we can't do it because we hurt.

A - is for abundance. God's grace through adversity is given to us in abundance. Another thing I've always said, "suffering builds character....ok.....I've got enough character." (And yes, I have trouble sometimes with this one.)

A - is for appreciative. Take the time to appreciate what you do have instead of grumbling about what you don't have. (Yes, I've had trouble with this one too) When I'm reminded of all the good things Fibromyalgia takes a back seat.

A - is for active. There are times it's real tough to get moving, but we must. Those aching, stiff muscles need exercise. Now before everyone gets riled up, exercise does not mean an hour in the gym lifting weights or sweating on the elliptical trainer. It means movement. Staying in bed is good for the occassional pity party. I've done it myself and, to my way of thinking, feels good every once in awhile BUT those achy muscles do need to move. 

A - is for accomplish. There is no limit on what we can accomplish. Chronic illness is not a death sentence. We may need to change our outlook but we can have a fulfilling life.

A - is for aware. We need to stay aware of our bodies and understand what it is trying to tell us. We can't push too hard or we will pay. (I've had trouble with this.)

A - is for affirmation

A - is for attitude. Attitudes can do a lot. It can give us the determination to push through the pain to find what this life has in store for us. It keeps us happy and grateful. When the proverb says, "laughter is the best medicine," they weren't kidding. Do it. It works wonders.

A - is for amazing. Look up in the sky. Watch a baby's face full of wonder. Look at the sunset. See creation for all it's glory. If you can't go out and see it, see it virtually. This world is amazing and it's waiting for us.

A - is for almost. Even though I'm writing about what we can do, I fall short of it. I think we all do but reminders are good. They help us make it through another day.

A - is for AWESOME!

As I've said,

Fibromyalgia isn't for sissies.

We're tough,

We're strong,

As yes, we are chronic illness,

But.....

We are awesome!!!