A GLIMPSE BENEATH THE MASK

There are times you get a glimpse.

Just for a moment you get to see..

how far you've come,

and how far you've yet to go.

Support groups are wonderful. There are people around you that know and understand what you're going through. You can relax, let your guard down and know that the vulnerability that you feel is in a safe place.

Most of us still have those pesky walls in place. It's easier to keep the guard up. You really don't want to admit when the pain and fatigue are at their worst how weak and powerless you really feel.

"I'm hanging in there."

"I've been better."

"I'm still smiling."

Yeah, right.

Every once in awhile someone who is newly diagnosed and still struggling comes in and exposes that raw emotion that we try so hard to keep under wraps. While it's wonderful to help and counsel someone, it's a stark reminder of what is bubbling just underneath that carefully crafted surface.

As I'm telling someone that they will find their purpose through all of this and that joy is possible, I realize how far I've come since first being diagnosed. Helping someone find their way out of the black hole and knowing there is light at the end of the tunnel is gratifying.

But it's not that simple.

There are still days that raw emotion still haunts me. I know that I still struggle with the loss of the job that I loved. There is still a part of me that identifies with my career. The mourning process, while not as bad as it was, is still there. While those feelings aren't front and center anymore I still have them. 

There is nothing easy about chronic illness. It's like there is a constant reminder that your body could betray you at any moment. I feel always on guard, ever vigilant and ever mindful that a new symptom can pop up at any moment. It's a fine line that you walk...I want to be aware but I don't want to be overly cautious. 

The walls that are constructed so that the world doesn't see your weakness also protect you against it. Maybe they need to be there so that you are able to progress, grow and keep the helplessness that chronic pain can bring at bay. I think that masks and walls are sometimes given a bad rap. 

Seeing that person struggle with the newness of all of this brings a few issues right back home.

And I'm not inviting them for a sleepover.

WOLF IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING

Just when you think you have a lot of pain.

You find out that it isn't as bad as you think.

I went to a support group meeting. I have to say honestly that I wasn't in the mood. I've been hurting so much and have been so tired that I just wanted to curl up in my chair and stare off into space.

There is a reason for everything.

Someone was there that was in so much pain and so overwhelmed that it was just too much to deal with for even another day. I have to admit that I've been there. I also have to say that in that moment the thought of bringing that kind of pain to my daughter made that thought go away. Prior to dealing with constant pain I thought that kind of thinking was terribly weak. It was something that I couldn't even fathom.

Enter the world of chronic pain.

Pain plays with your head. There comes a point when you need a break from the pain otherwise it will break you. The pain is stealthy. It slowly morphs into depression and the depression is a danger in itself. It wants to isolate you and tell you that this is all that you need. Pains evil touch makes us doubt our faith and our strength and fighting it is the only option that we have. No matter how we fight we need to realize that it is a fight that we will have our entire lives or until, magically, a cure is found.

Depression from chronic pain is just a wolf in sheep's clothing. We must stay vigilant and aware that the pain is causing our mindset. Depression will tell us that this fight isn't worth it. It will try to beckon our soul over to his side where he promises that the darkness will soothe our soul and give us a break from the pain. 

We must always remember that he lies.

Admitting depression doesn't mean that we're weak.

It just means that we've stayed strong for far too long.

It takes a strength of will to climb out of the dark into the light.

And one more thing.......

We are not alone in this fight.

We have each other.

SUPPORT GROUP GET TOGETHER

I did it.

I went. 

And I'm so glad I did.

I debated off an on during the day whether I'd actually go to the meeting. It's in Henderson and that's about a half hour drive from my house.  Did I really want to drive all that  way? Like I said, I went back and forth all day about going to the meeting.

Plus, I hurt. 

That doesn't make me real amiable.

There was quite a few people at this meeting! I met some really nice women and heard some really touching stories. One of them really got to me. The woman was struggling with the pain medication. She'd been on them so long, she knew that she was dependent on them and she struggled with that knowledge. There was also fear. What happens when she does get weaned off of them and then the pain comes? What do you do then? I could see how much pain she was in, physically and mentally and I hurt for her.

I understand the fear of dependence but she posed the definitive question. What happens to you after you go off the medication and the pain of this disease hits you like a brick wall? If you go back on them what happens then? Is it a never ending cycle? 

Are you getting off one roller coaster just to get on another?

One of the markers of Fibromyalgia is interrupted sleep and that one is hard for me. I used to be able to fall asleep anywhere. I could fall asleep standing up! Oh, the days of falling asleep quickly into blissful, uninterrupted slumber. Now, it's a struggle and if I do manage to fall asleep, I don't stay asleep and if I stay asleep I don't wake up refreshed. I've been afraid to take sleep medication because of the other medication that I take and I'm afraid to take a lot of pills. I learned last night that it really helps and that my fears are unfounded. 

I found out that the pain on the bottom of my feet isn't unusual. I didn't know that. I thought it was just one of my rogue pains. Well, if I get gel packs and put them in my shoes it helps alleviate this symptom! We talked about water therapy and vitamin therapy. One woman recommended lithium orotate that she gets at the vitamin store and swears it helps her muscle spasms. We talked about Savella, Lyrica and Cymbalta. Like I said, we talked about everything!

I had a wonderful time and only had to move around a little bit. I can't sit for too long and the chairs are a little uncomfortable. Well, everything is uncomfortable but I can't bring my bed everywhere! 

I'm glad that I went and I look forward to the next meeting. I know, in a city of this size, that there are more people out there suffering with Fibromyalgia. I also know they could benefit from these meetings. 

It's nice to know that I'm not alone in this struggle.