I WANT TO GO BACK TO MAYBERRY

It's been quite a week.

I'm not just talking about the pain.

Both personally and in our nation.

First of all, what do you say about the shootings of innocent children in Connecticut? I cannot imagine what those parents and families are going through right now. Also, the survivors....what those children witnessed......it's horrific and there are no words that will comfort those parents. Their dear, dear children's lives were cut short and they must be inconsolable with pain and grief.

Also, I got word that a former co-worker passed away. She was young. She was 51 and didn't feel well. She took a nap and when they went to check on her.....well, it was already too late. Her daughter was her best friend and she's still quite young. She graduated high school in 2011 and was away at college. 

I've had to learn the lesson of mortality at an early age as well. I can tell you that isn't a lesson that should be learned early. It changes you. It gives you the feeling that all relationships are on shaky ground because they can disappear at a moments notice. Closeness becomes scary.

Then, to add a tiara to the week, with all these things happening, it's cold and raining. That means the pain has spiraled once again. 

If it isn't one thing it's another.

I'm not trying to minimize the happenings or compare them to the pain that has attacked my body once again. I'm just adding it to the list of events of the week. There is nothing that can compare to that kind of loss. Then compound that loss with the addition of senseless violence and what can be said?

I hate these kind of life lessons.

I hate the change that life lessons bring; the innocence of life that is lost and the realization that the people you love most can be taken away from you in the blink of an eye. Parents should never have to bury their children and little children should not know loss. They should be safe and secure in the knowledge that their parents will be there. Parents should not know the all-consuming grief and pain that their beautiful little sweethearts are gone.

What is wrong with this world?

What will inevitably happen is that the issue of gun control will come up again. It will be debated and debated but nothing ever seems to get done. I truly believe on the one hand that if guns are outlawed then only the outlaws will have guns. The war on alcohol during Prohibition, the war on drugs, the war on terror and now the war on guns.....to what end? They are all still alive and well despite the efforts to rid our world of them. I do believe that we need stricter laws and background checks before anyone can purchase them. I think online sales should be banned. I think certain types of guns should not be in the hand of private citizens. Military weapons are just that...military weapons. You need an assault rife to kill a deer??

I think it's our culture that is sick and in need of help.
You can ban all types of weapons but you just can't ban evil.

I think it's time we get rid of our culture of certain kinds of tolerance. You cannot teach children that everything they do wrong is someone elses fault or that something else is to blame. We need to bring back consequences for actions. We've become a society that doesn't want to hurt that little inner child. We equate discipline with abuse. When did it become acceptable for manners to go out the window? When did "please" and "thank-you" get deleted from our vocabulary? When did we decide that just because children grow up less fortunate they should be given a pass? We have done that in our educational system and look what the effect of that has been. I've seen what so-called high school graduates have learned and it's appalling. We need to crank our curriculum up about 7 notches so we can start raising children who will be capable of working in this global economy.

If I sound like I want to take our culture back about 40 years......well, I do and I don't. In some respects.....I do. I look at what children can see on TV during prime time and I honestly don't know how I'd answer the questions that would arise. The innocence that should be childhood has been wiped away. Growing up too soon is all over the news and it's "cool." Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?

I don't think I'm old fashioned. I'm not trying to be an old grandma but I see society heading in a direction that isn't good.....

Enough.....

I'm off my soapbox.

But...........

I hope that everyone hugs those they love a little tighter tonight.

THANKS AND GIVING

Being thankful.

Attitude of gratitude.

Is it easy?

It's definitely not easy to pull yourself out of yourself and think of all the blessings that you have in your life. Chronic pain makes you withdraw..........it likes it that way. All it wants you to do is focus on your pain. The pain tells you that it's for self-protection and that it's for the best.

The pain lies.

Thanksgiving is a time for friends and family. It's a time for giving and it's a time to be grateful for what we do have and are able to do. No matter how bad we feel...well, it could always be worse. I know that I'm guilty of letting pain shift my focus inward. I mean, let's face it, if the only thing that I'm grateful for is that I'm not a turkey.........well, you get the idea.

I need to stop and think.

Sometimes it's volunteering, or listening. Sometimes it might just be a smile. Gratitude is infectious even for the most cynical. I went to a church service and people were speaking about what they were thankful for this year. I was sitting there half listening and a man took his turn at the microphone and said he was grateful that he had his son for 17 years because his son went home to be with the Lord. I was shaken out of my complacency. I couldn't believe the dignity and grace that this man had in the face of such tragedy. It's hard for me to even write the words. 

I can think of nothing worse.

So, I think I can look at "me" and be grateful. I don't mean that I'm playing Pollyanna or glossing over trials that can be faced in life. I just think we can still find blessings that we have all around us. Instead of my focus being negative (like it usually is) I need to find a way to be more positive. I know that I have to dig down real deep. 

Wait.........this is making me sound like an ungrateful brat. That's not it at all and that's not me at all. I do know that there are others hurting as much and much more than I am. So what to do? It's still difficult to give when you feel like you don't have anything left in you. I have friends that I've met through blogging and they are HURTING. 

It comes down to not only being grateful for what we do have but also giving to someone, ANYONE else. We need to move beyond ourselves. I realize that if I were to go to houses down the block and trade my problems for theirs I might just come to the conclusion that I don't have it so bad after all. 


I may not have a back and neck that are in the greatest condition and I may have an illness that doesn't have a conclusive beginning or end BUT, all in all, I am thankful for my wonderful family and friends. That, in itself, should keep me in an attitude of gratitude. 


I have a wonderful daughter and son-in-law.


That's the icing on the cake.


Cake??


Did someone say cake??


Oh yeah..........I did!!


Time for dessert and for that I am thankful!

LEANING TO LEVEL

Balance in all things.

Important.

Except when you can't see it.

When you have a chronic illness it's imperative that you rearrange your life so that stress isn't running your day. You would think that the people around you would understand that.

No such luck.

You get to a point in your life where you get tired of fighting. I don't mean a physical or verbal fight with people, I mean fighting against circumstances and struggles. There comes a point in time where you say, "enough." It's the point when you realize that you're struggling against the immovable force. 

You get tired.

You just get tired.

I think it's time, at least for me, to stop holding on to the past and move forward. Holding on just means holding back. I need to stop asking why and accept things for what they are. I can't look to the future if I'm looking over my shoulder at the past. I cannot continue to agonize over what I don't understand. I need to do just one thing. 


I need to let go.
I need to find laughter and joy.


I just have a little problem.


If laughter is the best medicine then I must be in the placebo group.

CASING THE JOINT

I feel like I'm losing my marbles.

Have you ever just had enough?

I am exhausted.

Enough.

I live in a master planned community and over the weekend they had the semi-annual community garage sale. Now, I'm not able to physically handle putting things out on the table and pricing every little thing. It comes down to  sorting, pricing and displaying all the crap that I don't want anymore.

That doesn't appeal to me at all.

However,  I brought a few things out and put it on a desk that I had in my garage. The weather was cold and windy so it actually worked out to my benefit. I decided to get rid of the numerous vases, glassware and books that have been cluttering up the house. 

I had a ton of people and actually made eighty dollars.

What I didn't bargain for was the fact that one of them was casing the joint. What is it with people? The economy is so bad that people believe that your home is a supermarket and they can come in and basically go shopping. It is unbelievable to me that people have the mindset that this behavior is an appropriate way of life.

I called my daughter and son-in-law and we spent the evening having dinner and enhancing the security around my home.

So now I'm absolutely physically and emotionally exhausted. All I had to do was walk in and see my house and the pain went crazy. I can't tell you how much I hurt right now. The stress of all this just sent the pain levels crazy. I also spent most of the night wide awake. I didn't stay awake out of fear but I was awake because my mind just wouldn't shut off. With everything else in my life going on right now, I needed this like I needed a hole in my head. 

The police, however,  did have a wonderful suggestion.

He said get a "Beware of Dog"  sign and put it on the fence.

Anyone who has seen Mr. H will be in hysterics. My little toothless wonder.........

I've always said "for two cookies you could have the house."

Apparently that's true.

MY LUCKY ROCKETSHIP UNDERPANTS

"Some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help."
Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson

I love Calvin and Hobbes. I always have. There's just the perfect mix of innocence and snark in this cartoon and it appeals to my sense of humor. 

It also has something for every occasion.

This is one of those times and one of those days.

I just don't know why the pain has taken up permanent residence. 2010 was a tough year for the people that I know. Fibromyalgia certainly kicked fanny last year and 2011 doesn't seem to have any changes in that arena. 

So when I wake up in the morning and it's more of the same it tends to get a tad disappointing. I want to go to the gym and, trust me, I'm going to force myself to do just that. It's just that I'm forcing myself and I'm not looking forward to the exercise that my body so desperately needs. I've walked and I've been in the pool. I have to say that the pool is definitely easier on my muscles but I'm not real keen on public pools. I guess I have turned into a little bit of a germophobe.

I got on Facebook and a friend of mine said that she's going to make today a positive day. Those words speak volumes to me in a bittersweet way. It's great that she's in a frame of mind to purpose in her heart positivity, however, she's in a frame of mind that she has to purpose to be positive. See what I mean here? There's no opening your eyes and being excited to greet the day. 

We open our eyes with fear and trepidation.

We open our eyes and gingerly move to see how our muscles are going to react. 

Are we just having a minor uprising or a full blown rebellion today?

The muscle twitches really are painful for me and those have been on a real rampage lately. So, I am also going to purpose in my heart to greet the day on a positive note. I have read the optimist's creed. Have you read it?

Promise Yourself

"To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.

To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you."

The Optimist Creed was authored in 1912 by Christian D. Larson, in his book "Your Forces and How to Use Them."

I really try to read this without smiling but by the time I hit line four I know I'm in real trouble. How do you take a person that tends to see the glass half empty and have this really hit home? There are lines of this that are no trouble. I try to always make my friends feel worthwhile but I can't always see the sunny side of life. I guess I'll have to keep reading it over and over. Maybe then it will sink in.

I think I'm being optimistic when I quote things like, "when you see the light at the end of the tunnel it may be the train coming at you full speed." That way I'm never surprised or taken off guard. I've always been a bit snarky and a glass-half-empty type of person. The Fibromyalgia just pushed it over the edge.

What?

I'm not being optimistic?

Maybe it's true.

My lucky rocketship underpants aren't helping today.

LIFE IS FRAGILE

In the hustle and bustle of everyday life,

we forget how fragile life is.

In a moment, a twinkling of an eye,

everything can change.

It was Labor Day and in my ever-present fog I had forgotten about a barbecue for a dear member of the family who is moving back to Ohio. I was so tired and I had slept most of the day. Once I had gotten up and looked at my phone I realized that I had totally forgotten it. My daughter had sent me a text message earlier in the day about it and I sent one back that I was just to tired to go.

I called her and then my world suddenly dropped out from beneath me. Her fiance, my dear almost son-in-law, was in the emergency room. It wasn't clear what was wrong but from all indications it looked like he had some kind of stroke or seizure. His speech was slurred and he didn't know where he was and it took quite a few people to get him into the car and to the hospital which, thank goodness, was only a few minutes away. 

I flew out the door to the hospital. I was in pain before the call and after the call my whole body was crying out in pain. 

I ignored it. 

I had to. 

Hearing my daughters terrified voice propelled me into action. I couldn't believe what was happening. I can understand it happening to someone older but he's 30 years old and healthy. What the heck was going on?

When I walked into his room he didn't know me and that scared me to my core. I looked at my daughters face and quickly looked away. I'm the only one that just by looking at her can bring her emotions to the forefront and reduce her to tears. I know she didn't want to break down in front of him so I went back to the waiting room. During the next 24 hours he had every test imaginable and they all came back normal. So far, until they get the results of the EEG, he passed everything with flying colors. As of now, he's alert and can remember everything except  when the episode occurred. 

What it did was put life in perspective. We don't know when our lives can change. Thank goodness, it looks like he's going to be fine and it was some sort of TIA (transient ischemic attack) but it could have gone the other way too. The only thing that matters in this life is the health of the people we love. 

We have changed from the people that we were. While not quite on the level of a mini-stroke or something life threatening, what we have is something life changing. It take us from normal, functioning human beings and brings us to people that live our lives at the whim of our bodies. We never know what the day will bring. One day we can be free of pain and then next be down on our knees begging for God to take the pain away. We just never know.

What I do know is that we should embrace every day as a gift, no matter how we feel. Everything we know and have can be changed or taken away in a moments notice. Life is much too short. I will try not to let the stresses of life's circumstances get to me. I will try to remember that however bad I feel, life is still precious. I will try to look up into the heavens and be grateful for each breath. 

I will look at my children and smile and always thank God that they are happy and healthy. It's come too close and I was reminded how fragile life can be.

I will never take that for granted again.