MY TEACHABLE MOMENTS

I've learned a lot.

Taking it to heart?

Well.....not so fast.

Being in pain on a daily basis has taught me a lot. Not only has it taught me about my body but it's also taught me about my soul. 

So, what have I learned?

1. I've learned that chronic means forever. When I was first diagnosed I didn't know what it really meant. I knew there would be bad days but I actually thought I'd also have pain free days. What I've learned is that Fibromyalgia doesn't change. It's there with you in varying degrees of severity on a daily basis. Wishing it away doesn't work.

2. I've learned that trying to fix all of this sometimes doesn't work. I've jumped on every bandwagon out there. I'm not saying that a good diet doesn't help and I'm not putting down alternative medicine. I think there is a place for all of it. I, personally, just don't think that there is "the miracle cure for only $29.95" out there. I don't think all of this is a conspiracy of "big pharma." Having said that, I think the medications that have been approved for Fibromyalgia don't work for a lot of patients and, personally, I think the risks outweigh the benefits.

3. I've learned that we need to take responsibility for our actions. I can't reinvent the wheel. I was born with my Type A squared personality. I loved the stress of the job and the more on my plate the better I liked it. Your body was not meant to live in the "flight or fight" survival mode on a continual basis. You will burn out. I've come to realize that my excuses for not coming down off of hyperdrive were just that: excuses. We need to decompress not only for our mental well being but for our physical well being. Now, for the caveat. Just because we loved the lifestyle does not mean we did this to ourselves and if we just calm down it will go away. There is a switch that has been tripped and, hopefully, that is what researchers will try to figure out. Me? If I do anything I do it all the way. I work hard, play hard and rest hard. I also got sick hard. I guess I've been perfect at that as well. I wake up everyday thinking that I'll set these realistic boundaries for myself and once again I find a way to count everyone of my imperfections. I find a way to include just one more task, one more email or one more activity that I know will hurt me tomorrow. 

4. I've learned that I can't be in denial. It doesn't work. Trust me, I've been down that road too. If I just forget about it and push through it will be ok. Your body has a wonderful way to pay you back. I do it all the time because I don't listen to my own advice. I feel pretty good? Back to mach 2 until my body reaches up and slaps me as if to say, "you were acting stupid and I stopped you for your own good." Gee, I sound like my mother. 

5. I've learned to forgive myself. I know that we hear from articles and people all the time that we are the result of trauma and abuse or our own unresolved hurts and issues. Maybe it's true and maybe it isn't. I do know that I didn't hurt like this until I had a car rear-end mine in 2008 going about 35. Maybe I need to forgive him because NONE of this started until that moment. Then again, maybe that was just the trigger. I don't know. Here's what I think about forgiveness. I think asking forgiveness for those issues can be healing if you have had trauma or abuse and need to move forward from that. Forgiveness doesn't give carte blache for the act but what it does is tell the ones who have hurt us that they no longer hold any power. I think on another level we need to forgive our body for betraying us and changing our lives. I'm a natural cynic who has unyielding faith. Weird, isn't it?  I have an absolute faith in the tenet that God has never left me or forsaken me, no matter what my personal circumstance. Whatever I'm going through right now will take me to a different level; not only in my life but my faith. I've never faulted God for my personal circumstance. On the other hand, if I hear "suffering builds character" one more time I may scream.

6. I haven't learned that it helps to keep our minds positive. This one is the hardest for me. I am not Mary Sunshine. I tend to see the glass half empty and as far as human nature goes, well, I've never been disappointed. I like phrases like, "when you see the light at the end of the tunnel it's probably the train coming at you full speed."  So how do you do this? I don't think I'm a pessimist....I'm more of a realist. I have really tried to be optimistic but if any of you have some ideas I'd love to hear them. I want to be better at this, I really do. I only put this in here because I haven't learned this lesson yet.

7. I've learned that we need to trust our own judgment. There are all sorts of groups on social media out there. If you don't follow a gluten free diet you're going to be in pain. If you don't follow use alternative medicine you won't get well. If you go to a regular doctor you're an idiot. I've seen people used medical terminology and they have NO CLUE what it truly means. It does take awhile to find a doctor that will understand and listen. I'm not saying they are infallible but to trust social media isn't the way to go. We need to listen to our bodies, ourselves and our doctors.

8. I've learned that I need to let go. Life has a funny way of showing you another destiny than the one you carved out for yourself. What I did and had before is different now. I can't hold on to the past as desperately as I want to. It isn't good and I might miss opportunities that show up because of chronic pain. What does it take to reach a point of acceptance? Sometimes I think acceptance and resignation is the same as defeat. There we go again. Anything less than perfection is failure. In my head I know that I'm an imperfect being but the bar that I've set for myself is a different issue altogether.

9. I've learned that it's not a bad thing to be a little vulnerable. This one is hard for me as well. I've always equated vulnerable with weak when, actually, it's quite the opposite. It takes a great deal of strength to admit weakness. I've found out that sometimes I'm not as strong as I think I am. I've also learned that everyone else has weakness as well. We always think the other person has it all together. That's not necessarily true. I think it's more than that, though. I still say it makes me imperfect and weak. It makes me realize that I'm not as strong as I think I am and I can't take care of myself all the time. It's self-reliance and I may not be in total control of my destiny. I hate that.

10. I've learned that I don't have control. This one is a constant struggle. I've always liked to control the environment around me. That's a huge part of my personality. I've always felt that if I can control things then I won't get any nasty surprises. Well, I didn't say that it worked I just said I liked to operate that way! I've had to accept that I won't know what I'm dealing with regarding my body on a day to day basis. That means I can plan but plans may change. I've had to let go and that isn't easy for me.  So many things haven't been easy and I've had a hard time dealing with that. I know it's something I have to learn to accept but it's that darn little word called control. I don't have it and it makes me crazy.

So here's the top ten lessons for the day.

What I've learned.

What I'm still learning.

And what I should give up.

As far as that last one?

I'm not big on giving up things!

IS ANYTHING LEFT?

What to do?

Should we hide under a rock?
The problem is we don't know what to believe.

I've been reading about the information from the World Health Organization about our cell phones and the radiation that's emitted from them can cause cancer. Didn't I just read that the WHO said cell phones were not carcinogenic? 

It doesn't help that everywhere we look there is a different opinion, backpedaling or out and out lies just to buy a certain product. I mean, lets take the information that's out there about food. If we exclude eggs, peas, dairy, whey, bean sprouts, all beans, broccoli, cauliflower, bok choy, lentils, cabbage, kale, asparagus, onions, leeks, rutabagas, shallots, garlic, papaya, any dried fruit, coffee, bananas, avocados, honeydew melons, meat, poultry and fish we can cure Fibromyalgia. Now, lets go to the nightshades. Potatoes, tomatoes and peppers. 

Whew!

And let's not even talk about sugar.

I have listed foods from different sites that talk about Fibromyalgia and diet. It's amazing how many foods are on the "forbidden list."  Is there anything left to eat?  Great,  I can't eat and now I can't use my cell phone.

What's left?

I'm making light of all of this but there is a grain of truth to it all. We've become an over-processed, over-medicated, fast food, plastic and techno society. I find it disturbing that antibiotics and hormones are added to the grain that is used to feed our poultry and cattle. I find it VERY disturbing that genetically modified food is part of our food chain. How long have we had plastic bottles in our babies mouths only to find out that the BPA (bisphenol A) is dangerous? I would much rather eat organic or natural products that the over-processed and chemical filled foods that are out there. That sounds funny coming from someone who is a diet coke addict but it's true. I just think that there are choices out there and we should be aware of what we are putting in or on our bodies. I think labels should be truthful and I think knowledge is power.

I don't know what effect all of this has upon our lives. Progress has to take place. I wouldn't want to go back to a bygone era. I like my computers and iPhone too much. Unfortunately, I also believe all of this progress isn't good. However.............................

Am I willing to give up my cell phone? 

Probably not. 

There's one thing true about life.

None of us get out of it alive.

ZIP A DEE DOO DAH

How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways.

Then I'll use duct tape on your mouth.

I know that people try to be helpful. I also know that it's real tough to explain an illness that is invisible. So in the interest of our sanity and interaction that doesn't set us on edge......here goes.

What not to say.

There are articles about "what not to say." They are pretty thorough but I like to add a few comments as well.

1.  You don't look sick. No, I don't look sick. If I looked like I felt I would scare little children and most dogs. I know that to be sick I have to look sick but that's not the way it works. We try very hard to keep it together but thank you so much for reminding me that I have to look sick to be taken seriously.

2.  If you exercised, you'd feel better.  I think this is one of my favorites. I think it's especially attractive to crawl into the gym. It's also kind of fun to fall asleep on the treadmill and to feel like roadkill after mild exercise. Of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that we can't crawl out of bed the next day because we're in so much pain from that glorious exercise that you are so kind to mention.

3.  Everybody gets tired.  Yes, they do, poor things. This is like someone pulling the plug on your energy reserves. We love being so bone weary that we can't move. Also, thank you for mentioning this one and reminding me that a lot of the medical community thinks we're either lazy or crazy. 

4.  You'd feel better if you had a better attitude.  Really? I thought I had a great attitude all things considered. If my attitude reflected how I felt inside it just might kill you.

5.  It can't be that bad.  Thank you Lyrica for making Fibromyalgia seem like a pesky little fly that you can flick off of your shoulder. In the same vein and the spirit of the previous comment I will just take a baseball bat and beat the crap out of your body and then tell me that it can't be that bad.

6.  I wish I didn't have to work and could nap all day.  Oh yes, we're little princesses lying about eating bon-bons all day. We love the fact that our career has gone down the toilet and along with that swirl of water in the toilet, our finances are going down the toilet as well.

7.  We all get aches and pains.  It's difficult to even write about this one. Again, people are sometimes under the impression that we feel like the aging grandparents in the movies. "Rheumatism." Just sit on a heating pad and in our rocking chairs. Yeah, right. Don't they get that sometimes just a simple touch will cause excruciating pain?  Maybe I should turn them into a voodoo doll.......would they get it then?

8.  Fibromyalgia isn't even real.  I wish it wasn't. I also just love it when doctors don't believe it. That would scare me because it tells me that they haven't kept up on the latest research. Plus, I'm almost positive that the FDA approves medicines for fictitious diseases. We're not whiners or neurotic so please don't add insult to injury or, in this case, stupidity.

9.  You should try to sleep at night.  We'd love to sleep. Even when we take medication there are times that we will wake up anyway. We are prevented from getting deep, restorative sleep so that our body can repair itself and wake up somewhat refreshed. We also love watching the minutes turn into hours in the middle of the night. Usually when we grab a magazine it's telling us the steps to get restful sleep. Don't even get me started on that one.

10.  Oh, come on......toughen up.  If you think Fibromyalgia is for sissies, think again. If you only knew how tough we really are.....

11.  It's all in your head.  Well, when we get this comment we can, at least, say it's a true statement. Yes, it is all in our heads. This is an illness of the central nervous system. Thank you, however, for saying it in a sarcastic and condescending manner. I, however, love shoving those words right back at you.

This is not an illness that an aspirin will fix. If it were that simple we'd all have stock in Bayer. We would also be chugging them down. Most of us hate what this has done to our lives and we look desperately for a way to reinvent ourselves and ways to feel better so we feel somewhat productive.

By the way,

We have tried every snake oil cure out there in hopes of feeling better.

But thanks for letting us know that eating different foods will cure Fibromyalgia.

Where's that duct tape??

THE FIBRO TRAVELLING SIDE SHOW

What causes Fibromyalgia?

Pick a card.

Any card.

It seems that everyone has an opinion on what causes Fibromyalgia. It's almost as if they want to pin it on anything and everything but a neurological malfunction. Heaven forbid there would actually be something wrong with us.  Some of the opinions are, in my mind, just absurd. 


Let's reduce it to the ridiculous.
Obesity. 


Obesity as the reason for Fibromyalgia just cracks me up. First of all, if any sort of movement causes pain and your energy levels are in the toilet, it just makes sense that you would probably add a few pounds because of the inactivity. People that have Fibromyalgia remember the days with longing when they could run around and not get beat up. Most people would love to be able to exercise without feeling like they got hit by a truck afterward. Now, to add to this ridiculous theory, let's add the medications that are sometimes prescribed. The first one that comes to mind is the one that is touted by my favorite commercial of all time as the little magic pill that will give you your life back. 


Yep. 
Lyrica.


Even on the commercial one of the first things they happen to mention as a little, tiny, minor side effect is weight gain. Now, I'm not one to tell someone what they need to take to manage their pain but, as for me, hell will freeze over before I take something that will make me gain weight. Yes, I have food and perfection issues but that's another story altogether. Even some of the antidepressants and nerve pain medications also have weight gain as a side effect. I'm not saying that weight gain won't exacerbate the symptoms or that it's a healthy lifestyle. We've all been there and have struggles with different issues but what Mensa candidate came up with this as the cause of Fibromyalgia?


Next.


Then there's the vitamin deficiency theory. I rather like this one. It is just one step away from the it's-all-in-your-head theory. Just pop a ton of vitamins and voila! Your symptoms will magically disappear! Right after that there's the dietary theories. If we stop eating, get ready for this, eggs, peas, dairy, whey, bean sprouts, beans, broccoli, cauliflower, lentils, bok choy, cabbage, kale, asparagus, leeks, rutabagas, onions, garlic, shallots, papaya, dried fruits, coffee, bananas, avocados, honeydew melons, tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, meat, poultry and fish, we will be cured. It's true. As I looked up dietary restrictions this is the list of foods I found. Basically, when you put all the recommendations together, there's nothing left to eat.


Needless to say, no one can agree on dietary recommendations either.


I think that making adjustments to our diets is healthy but will it cure us? I don't think so. I'm not a doctor but none of this stuff makes any sense to me. If it was that simple it would have been done and over with already. We'd all be going back to our lives that we had before havoc struck.  I am of the persuasion that my Fibromyalgia was the result of the trauma from a car accident. I've said it before but most of us can pinpoint exactly what happened that caused our lives to be on the roller coaster. I firmly believe Fibromyalgia is caused by some sort of trauma to the body or there is a genetic predisposition. It can be physical or emotional trauma and by emotional I don't mean you just had a bad day. I'm sure these theorists have gone over that one too. That's the you're-just-depressed-take-a-pill-and-go-home-theory. Don't you just really love that one? Thank goodness there's credible research being done but I just love it when the media posts articles making it seem like we're a bunch of looney tunes.


Oops.......I forgot to mention................


Did you know that there's a secret cure for Fibromyalgia?

The government doesn't want you to know.................


Sheesh..............

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

What to do?

Should we hide under a rock?

I've been reading about the information from the World Health Organization about our cell phones and the radiation that's emitted from them can cause cancer. Didn't I just read that the WHO said cell phones were not carcinogenic? 

I think the problem is that we don't know what to believe.

It doesn't help that everywhere we look there is a different opinion, backpedaling or out and out lies just to buy a certain product. I mean, lets take the information that's out there about food. If we exclude eggs, peas, dairy, whey, bean sprouts, all beans, broccoli, cauliflower, bok choy, lentils, cabbage, kale, asparagus, onions, leeks, rutabagas, shallots, garlic, papaya, any dried fruit, coffee, bananas, avocados, honeydew melons, meat, poultry and fish we can cure Fibromyalgia. Now, lets go to the nightshades. Potatoes, tomatoes and peppers. 

Whew!

And let's not even talk about sugar.

I have listed foods from different sites that talk about Fibromyalgia and diet. It's amazing how many foods are on the "forbidden list."  Is there anything left to eat?  Great,  I can't eat and now I can't use my cell phone.

What's left?

I'm making light of all of this but there is a grain of truth to it all. We've become an over-processed, over-medicated, fast food, plastic and techno society. I find it disturbing that antibiotics and hormones are added to the grain that is used to feed our poultry and cattle. I find it VERY disturbing that genetically modified food is part of our food chain. How long have we had plastic bottles in our babies mouths only to find out that the BPA (bisphenol A) is dangerous? I would much rather eat organic or natural products that the over-processed and chemical filled foods that are out there. That sounds funny coming from someone who is a diet coke addict but it's true. I just think that there are choices out there and we should be aware of what we are putting in or on our bodies. I think labels should be truthful and I think knowledge is power.

I don't know what effect all of this has upon our lives. Progress has to take place. I wouldn't want to go back to a bygone era. I like my computers and iPhone too much. Unfortunately, I also believe all of this progress isn't good. However.............................

Am I willing to give up my cell phone? 

Probably not. 

There's one thing true about life.

None of us get out of it alive.

FAT FOR RESEARCH? OH BOY!

I just love research on chronic pain.
Now it's using your own fat.
I don't know about you.
But they can have ALL of mine.

I've never had a weight problem. Well, let me rephrase that. I never had a weight problem until I hit 50. I promised my daughter that I'd quit smoking and I started going through menopause. 

Need I say more?

Let me just say that I now understand how difficult it is to lose weight. I have struggled with it since and I've adjusted my eating accordingly, however, in the last couple of years it just doesn't matter what I do. The weight will just not come off. Growing up I was the one that my girlfriends hated. They could look at food and gain weight and me? I ate noodles with butter at midnight and never gained an ounce. I went away to school and instead of gaining the freshman 15, I lost it.

This sucks.

When I first got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia the doctor wanted to put me on Lyrica. Now, I'm one of those annoying people that refuse to follow doctor's orders. I want to research it first and then I'll decide if it will work for me. So, I googled Lyrica. No fricking way would I take that. The first side effect was weight gain. I've got enough trouble without adding to it. It's bad enough feeling like a stuffed sausage let alone having to be in pictures looking like one.

My self esteem was in the toilet anyway. I mean.........I don't want to look 20 again. Women that Botox and face lift  themselves until they become aliens.....well, it doesn't appeal to me. I don't mind a few wrinkles on my forehead or a couple of lines around my eyes. Truth be known, I actually like it. 

I figure I've earned them.

I love seeing pictures of the quintessential matriarch. The woman that looks stately and majestic. How wonderful! Every wrinkle and line show the joys and heartaches of her life. Every deep crag shows profound wisdom and every gnarled hand reaches down to comfort the next generation. We've seen those pictures and thought that age brought that woman through everything with dignity and grace. As I look in the mirror thinking about aging gracefully I never bargained for trading the swan like grace of my neck for the wonderful waddle of a turkey. 

That's enough to send me to the freezer for more Ben and Jerry's.

I still cry when I find another gray hair where there is NOT supposed to be one. I still pray that the hair I find on my face is a stray eyelash instead of the beginning of a mustache. And I still keep all my size 6 clothes in my closet praying that I will one day get into them.

I know there is not a perfect dress size. I know I shouldn't define myself by that number; but I do. I still sometimes think about the perfect dress size, the perfect abs, the perfect thighs and the perfect face. OK.......I am not putting the neck on that list.

There is the perfect neck and I miss mine desperately!

All of this came about because I saw an article about using our own body fat for stem cell therapy to treat chronic pain. Do you believe that one? One sentence and it sent me off on a tangent about body image. 

Obviously, it doesn't take much to bring me back full circle to the weight. 

Think I still have some perfection issues?

I know......I know.........it's all about the inside.

Yeah, right. 

EVERYTHING GOES BETTER WITH CHEESECAKE.

I've done the work.

I've joined the gym.

I'm walking.

I've lost one pound.

Crap.

I really am motivated to move just because I know in the long run it will help manage the pain of Fibromyalgia. At the very least it will, for a little while, help distract me from the pain. Okay, I can live with that. The other thing that motivates me is that I really need to lose the weight except that I'm not losing anything despite the fact that my calorie intake is very, very low.

Double crap.

What is it going to take to lose any weight? You can see where I'm going here. The pain seems to be my secondary motivation. I'm just tired of looking the way I do. My daughter is getting married next May and I want to look like the mother of the bride, not the grandmother of the bride. You see, I've got plenty of motivation to not only feel better but to look better. 

I really am trying to cut out all the crap kind of food. I know I need to eat breakfast but I hate it. My idea of breakfast is coffee and diet coke. Actually, I can go all day without eating and then hit it at around 5. I can then eat a sensible dinner. I love veggies and chicken so it's not difficult for me to cut back on calories. My problem is when I'm bored. Around eight I want either ice cream or popcorn both of which are bad for me. I know, I know.........the diet coke isn't good for me either but it's going to be REAL tough for me to give that up. Without caffeine I just might be comatose.

The walking has really knocked me out. After I walk I just want to come home and get in bed. I still hurt and my energy levels are practically non-existent. I will keep walking because I need to keep walking. 

Years ago I had a personal trainer who came to the house while I exercised. We would spend an hour doing aerobics and strength training. I was in really good shape. I could do push ups and sit ups and run like a champ. Believe that one? Another thing that I used to do. (sigh)

All I know is that after you exercise a little snack is in order.

Cheesecake would be nice.

SUMMER SUN BUT NOT SUMMER FUN

Here comes the heat.

This weekend the temperature is supposed to get to 108. I guess I'm now living in the seventh level of hell. I know that the heat is better than humidity but this is just horrible. The good thing is that I won't have to leave the house. Just point your hair dryer at your face and stand there. Well, at least it's a dry heat.

I think one of the things I hate the most about all of this is the fact that I'm not exactly in swimsuit shape. One of the things I hate the most? Untrue. I can make a list but this fat crap is right up there in the top ten. It started with the Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. This thing still isn't under control. When I had my appendix out I didn't eat for 4 days. Do you think I lost one fricking pound? 

Nope. 

Nada.

Zip.

I really don't eat crap so this thing has been really hard on me. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing fat. Chronic pain really screws with your head so adding the physical changes that happen when your thyroid malfunctions doesn't help at all. I really thought that when I started taking the thyroid medication my body would even itself out and I would be able to lose some of this weight. Again.............. 

Nope.

Nada.

Zip.

I read that I must eat in order to lose weight. So far it hasn't worked. Eating doesn't work and starving doesn't work. What will work? If anyone has any ideas let me know because even though I know that I should not be defined by a dress size my heart does not believe that. So as the sweltering heat arrives and I start to melt I will not be in a swimsuit. I don't think I could look in a mirror on that one.

On top of it all the pain has crept back into the picture. I had a pretty good day and by the evening my muscles started twitching and my body just hurts all over. Pain and heat; my disposition should be wonderful. I hate being hot so coupled with the fact that I don't feel good I can see that the summer months should not be the time to mess with me. Let's see, I hate being hot, cold, in pain, the humidity and being fat. Is there anything I like at this point? Hmmmm....nope.

I've got such a great attitude about this, don't I?

Wait, I get better.

AUTOIMMUNE HASHIMOTOS THYROIDITIS

Image via Wikipedia

Hashimoto's Thyroiditis.

The extreme fatigue, muscle cramps, thinning eyebrows, vague joint pain, cold hands and feet, low body temperature, depression, weight gain and the ever-present lack of concentration.

It seems that this has been going on for quite some time. The confusing part is that the normal thyroid panel that is run was in the normal range. I guess the most people have one or the other. I have Hashimoto's thyroiditis and a very high rate of reverse T3. This is basically your fake parking spot for the thyroid hormone but it doesn't know what to do when it gets there. It would figure that I'd have both.

It is inherited. I don't know that much about my medical history but at least I know that I did get this lovely gene from my mother. When I found this out I immediately alerted my daughter to get these blood tests because she has some of the same fishy symptoms.

Image via Wikipedia

The thyroid is a little butterfly shaped gland located at the base of the neck and it wraps itself around the windpipe. Slight trouble swallowing could occur if the thyroid gets inflamed and presses upon the esophagus.

This is an autoimmune disease. Your bodies own T-cells are attacking the thyroid and treating it as a foreign entity. If left untreated this can eventually lead to heart failure. Thank goodness my homocystine levels (a marker for cardiovascular disease) was very low.

The reverse T3 was very interesting. It seems that the body, in reaction to either physical or emotionally prolonged stressful periods will increase the levels of Reverse T3. This is probably the reason for weight gain. A lot of times medication addressing the active T3 levels will allow weight loss without a lot of dietary changes.

Now without insurance the medication for bioidentical thyroid, hormones, progesterone and testosterone was $262.00. How in the world do people do this every month??

Great. More stress. Just what my body needs. I do feel slightly validated. At least I know I'm not crazy about the symptoms. You know that you know that you know but no doctor will believe you or get the appropriate tests to find out what's going on in your body. Then this disease slowly progresses until you feel like a lump. A big, fat lump.

The good old fibro cake is baking and the icing is the thyroid.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DONUTS

I love watching Weight Watcher commercials. I love watching commercials talking about healthy choices. If I could make healthy choices I wouldn't be in this mess. Where is a diet for obsessive compulsives? Where is the diet that will make us want to stuff our mouths with carrots instead of donuts? Where is the immediate gratification diet?

I want something where Sonic, Dairy Queen, Jack in the Box, pasta galore, M&M's by the bed, Rice Krispie treats, tons of mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, noodles and butter at midnight, pizza, haagen-daz by the pint and reese cups works. I want to be able to eat and not sweat.

If I want cheesecake ( a whole one) because I'm depressed, I want a diet that will work with it. I want my fat cells not to go into overdrive because I look at a box of milk duds. I want a diet that takes into account the medicinal properties of ice cream when you don't feel good. I want oreo's to lose calories if I break them in half. I want to eat popcorn at movies because it's part of the whole entertainment package.

I am insanely jealous of people that can still eat and not wake up looking like a wall-eyed salmon. I don't understand how one tiny slice of cheesecake can add 5 lbs in 8 hours. I can duct tape this crap to my thighs and bypass my stomach to save time. WTF? Why does your body say at 50 you have to eat rabbit food otherwise you'll look like crap?

I've got so much preservatives in my system from all the McDonald's over the years that I don't have wrinkles. Plus, I have too much fat that I fill out all the wrinkles anyway.

Maybe I need to come up with a diet that incorporates 3 days of eating good and 4 of eating whatever I want. Well, how about 2 days of eating good and 5 of eating crap. Maybe science should come up with a pill that negates calories in food. Maybe fat should come back in style... that look of affluence because you have food to eat and thin is ugly. Ok, it was an idea. I know, WON'T HAPPEN.

If I would just exercise. I hear my daughter laughing from the other room.............................

None of this works for me.