TO TELL THE TRUTH

What is truth?

Well, it all depends on what your definition of "is" is.

So I got this wonderful award and, surprisingly enough, it was difficult to make up five different stories. The truth was wild enough but the lies were tough. Some of the more colorful events of my life needed no enhancement. I had fun........what can I say? 

So I decided to weave a little bit of truth in all of them. 

I was at UCLA and a friend that I knew dated Mark Harmon. My divorce was a bit nasty at first but the billboard .......well, that would NOT have happened. I always wanted to be wonder woman and I did go to a house in Laurel Canyon but it was Stephen Stills that was there, not the group Pink Floyd.

So there it is. The truth is that I was naive enough to believe that tin foil would jam the radar guns. I was also blissfully ignorant of the fact that my license plates said, "Rose." I always thought it was sweet of my Dad to do that for me when all the while he was keeping tabs on me. My girlfriend and I would get into all kinds of trouble because I got to drive all the time. I loved driving and I loved driving fast. 

Thank the good Lord that we didn't do any major damage to ourselves.  

We used to go four wheeling in the desert but I don't think a Mustang was designed to go driving through rocks and tumbleweeds. We would drive through my high school and the lunch area yelling, "curb service!" We loved to drive down the Strip after a rain and splash the tourists by driving through the puddles and laughing hysterically when they got totally drenched! While at school we'd get hungry for tortas and do a run to Tijuana. And, of course, I'd drive. While driving down one of the hills from my dorm room after a rain we started doing donuts. Again, laughing hysterically. We thought we were invincible. I'd would have killed my daughter if I found out she did anything like that.

We just loved to hang out and it didn't matter if we had a place to go. We just loved to drive around.

We had T-shirts that said, "I'm with trouble."

It made no difference who trouble was. We were inseparable.  We'd just laugh and point at each other. Trouble followed both of us and we had the time of our lives. When we got busted our eyes would get as big as dinner plates and we'd look at each other and then at our parents. Sweet little ole us???? 

My theme song was Fun, Fun, Fun by the Beach Boys. One of my dearest friends in high school dedicated that to me. He would always tell me it fit me to a T. However, I didn't have a Thunderbird so it had to be changed a little bit. Instead of "till daddy takes the T-Bird away" it would be changed to mustang. We'd sing that at the top of our lungs and the usual laughter would ensue. I had an 8-track in my car and we'd turn it up full blast and drive off. 

Laughter was a huge part of our lives.

Life was just as it should be.

Fun.

Fun.

Fun. 

THE WOMAN IN THE MIRROR

Mirror, Mirror on the wall.

Who's the fairest of them all?

I look in the mirror and wonder, "who's that starring back? "  It's not the fact that I have a few lines around my eyes. I've never minded those, I figured that I've earned them. I'm also not the type to get Botox. I don't mind the lines on my forehead either.  Actually, I don't have wrinkles. I can chalk that up to genes and Retin-A. I've used Retin-A since I was in my 20's and since I don't have wrinkles, it must work.

It's not cosmetic that keeps me looking in the mirror. It's the look in my eyes that shouts, "this woman is in a lot of pain." It's the eyes that don't crinkle at the ends when you're happy. It's the smile that doesn't quite reach your eyes. It's called personality lipo because Fibromyalgia sucks all the personality out of you. You go through life on personality flat line and it really sucks. BORING!

It's a look that I don't like.

I know there are times that I could earn an Academy award for the portrayal of a woman who is on top of the world and free of pain. Only people that know me very, very well can read the pain behind my eyes. Maybe that's part of it. I don't like feeling weak and knowing that my loved ones can see how much pain I'm in, well, it makes me feel vulnerable and out of control.

It seems that it's been a very long time since I've been out of pain. I can't really remember what it's like to take a deep breath and feel the freedom of life without pain. I mean, I can remember the last day. It was in January of 2008. 

The infamous car accident.

I am still living in the aftermath. 

I haven't been to the gym to walk this week. The pain has been spiking and the pain medication isn't taking the edge off so I decided to take it easy this week. I know I need the exercise but to chug a couple of pain pills sounds like it would kind of be counter-productive.  I don't know what it's going to take for the pain to take a vacation. It seems like I haven't caught a break in that area in quite a while. 

Just as an aside, I'm watching TV and the Lyrica commercial is on. You know, I REALLY hate that commercial. I just wish they'd get someone who really had Fibromyalgia for that commercial.  Anyway....................

I thought these symptoms would be fluctuating not taking up residence on a continual basis. The only thing that is on ebb and flow is the anger. Obviously, today is an anger day. Because some clown can't drive without looking down at a cell phone and then crashes into my car, I have to have my whole existence turned upside down. I know, I know..........it could be worse. I understand that but right now the fact that I'm paying for his negligence irritates the crap out of me. 

Forget it, I'm going to the bath and turn on a movie. 

A couple of hours of swirling water should take the edge off.

Maybe.

Am I being a hope freak?

BOWLS AND BATTERIES

The humidity is still high.

The pain is still strong.

The bowls were calling.

My car had other plans.

I haven't felt good enough to do much of anything. I also haven't felt like seeing anyone either but one of my dear friends called and we made plans to head to a singing bowls class. These bowls emit sounds that are used for healing, relaxation and mental energy. 

I needed this class.

I needed the fellowship.

It was a bad night last night and I didn't get to sleep until 5. I guess all the muscle relaxers and pain medication hit it's threshold and decided to work a little bit. My room is dark so when I finally fell asleep from sheer exhaustion, I didn't wake up until 8.  I was able to go back to sleep after a little while and I slept until noon. I knew it would take me a while to get moving and then get ready so I started the process at two o'clock. 

Everything went as planned. 

I left the house at 4:15 in order to stop and get a diet coke and then make it to the class at five. Like I said, I was looking forward to this.

I put the keys in the ignition.

Zip.

Nada.

Nothing.

Unbelievable. 

So, I called Triple A and got the car battery jumped and drove it off to the dealership.  You know, I hate people that tell me what they think I want to hear. Now, I can see the line up of cars and it's getting late. I offered to leave the car and they could do it tomorrow. The clown at the service desk kept telling me it would be very quick and he'd have me out of there in no time. 

I should have listened to myself.

You see, I knew better. There was no way they'd have it done shortly. You know what time I finally got out of there? A little after seven o'clock and the attitude that I tried to lift out of the toilet went back in there. If he just would have said how long it would take, I would have had the shuttle take me back home or arranged a ride but, no, he had to give me the okey-doke shuffle. I guess I got a little pissy with him. Actually, I have pissy down to an art form.

Me?

Really?

So I not only missed my chance to see my girlfriend and go to a badly needed class, I had to deal with a clown at Nissan.

Did I also say it was still VERY humid?

Can you guess where my attitude still is tonight?

I hurt a lot.

But my car runs like a champ.

THE ISSUE DU JOUR

Pick a point,

Any point.

It seems my back is now
 the issue du jour.

Let me run down the list.  In May and June it was my teeth setting off all kinds of flares. Then the heat and humidity started in. Now, my back is hurting. Is there ever a time when something doesn't hurt? It's my lower back in the L4-5 region. I bent over to pick up a towel and that was it. That's all it took and when I tried to straighten up I found out that it would be a little painful putting my tray table in the upright position. 

Right now I feel so confined not only because of the pain issues but because it is just too fricking hot to do anything. I've also been very tired; more so than usual. Today, for instance, I slept until 11 o'clock and that isn't like me. I just can't seem to get moving. I start yawning after being awake for only an hour. Is it heat causing this or am I just having a day where my body is trying to catch up on some of the sleep I've been missing? So now I not only have the pain all over my body, I have some nice sharp jabs in my lower back.


I'm feeling a number of things. There is the pain in my back which has been an ongoing annoyance for quite some time. No, the pain I'm feeling right now is the pain of knowing that I won't be going back to work. You would think that would be the time I'd be shouting Hallelujah and jumping for joy. 


Actually, it makes me angry. 


I got disability from Social Security and while I'm extremely grateful I'm also feeling very depressed. Its as if the experience of the last two years came tumbling down on me. I realized that I won't know the feeling of being on site again and that makes me sad. I loved new home sales. With all the garbage and the crap that you have to deal with and as bad as the market is right now, I loved it. Now, with the realization of what disability means, I know that I can't ever do it again. 


Suddenly the depression is turning to anger.


Some guy that can't keep his eyes on the road has taken away my livelihood. I know this will be a huge fight because trauma as a cause of Fibromyalgia is still controversial, however, more and more research shows that it is a cause. So now that I won't be able to do what I loved, I'll also have to deal with the fight that comes along with this mess. I've also got tests that show moderate to severe problems in my legs and that was definitely not the case before the accident. Again, everything will be a fight. 


I need to prepare for it. I need to keep my strength to be able to fight. I need to stay in the moment and not give up. There are so many issues that will occur now for the rest of my life and I need to remember that. I need to remember how much this has altered my plans and goals. I need to remember that I'm not the same physically as I used to be and I have been touched by an illness with flares that will occur without notice or cause. I need to remember all of this because one of the markers of Fibromyalgia is the blasted fog that makes me forget my own name at times. I need to remember that the muscle spasms that cause me to curl up in pain was not how I normally fell asleep. And speaking of sleep..........................


I need to remember that my life's goals was not to stay in bed and watch movies. My goals did not revolve around the idea of pain and fatigue and they certainly did not involve losing financially. I thought I'd be working and traveling and having a wonderful time. I didn't have limitations and I was excited about the life to come. 


I need to stay angry. 
I'm afraid if I don't I'll forget what this has done to me. 
I can't let that happen.

LET'S GO FOR A SUNDAY DRIVE

Travel.

The word makes me shudder just thinking about it.

But let's just start out simple.

Let's tackle the car.

The car shouldn't be a big deal, should it ? It shouldn't be but it is. I'm not talking about the simple act of getting in or getting out, although some of my more graceful moves would put any celebrity car shot to shame. What should I talk about first? Falling out of the car? Forgetting I had on a dress when I got out of the car? Nope, let's start with something better than that.

Let's try rolling up your window with your head still sticking out of it.

That's always a good one.

Fibromyalgia has so many symptoms to recommend it. Personally, I love the fog. It has me looking like the village idiot, wondering what my own name is and my personal favorite, rolling up a window with my head still in it. You would think one would know that it wouldn't be a good thing to even put your fingers near those buttons while you're talking but I did it. It doesn't do your self-esteem any good when your friends are laughing hysterically while your hair is being sucked up into the window. To top it all off panic ensues and all you have to do to stop this fiasco is take your finger off the control. Simple, isn't it? You would think so.

The second maneuver that I love is craning your neck around to see if anyone is behind you while backing out and/or changing lanes. Now, I don't know about anyone else but my neck is an area that hurts me a great deal. I feel like irobot and move in about the same way. I can't really whip it around like I used to so I tend to act like the little old ladies I used to curse at while driving. At least I can still see over the steering wheel. 

Then there's also the actual stress of the roadway. I'm still a Type A personality and after I get going the speed limit is like suggested retail price; it's up to negotiation. I'm one of those people that think the roadways can be categorized. There's the slow lane, the I can't make up my mind lane and then life in the fast lane. If you're in the fast lane I don't think you should be going 5 miles under the speed limit. Well, let me re-think that. I don't think you should go the speed limit either. So driving can cause me a great deal of stress. It doesn't even help if my boyfriend is doing the driving because he always drives 5 miles under the speed limit so I usually sit there stepping on the imaginary gas pedal like crazy on my side of the car. I think that part of the carpet is worn out from me punching that pedal.  Is that stress? Ya, think????

We all know that stress can cause a major flare. Maybe that's why I live in flare city. So when I travel, even if it's by car, the fibromyalgia has dealt me fits. Sometimes I don't even remember what I was going to do when I finally get to where I wanted to go. I've arrived at the grocery store and just sat in my car because I've forgotten my list and I don't remember what I wanted to buy. By that time it's like........."oh hell, I might as well just go home."

By the time I do get home I would just rather get in bed and watch Oprah. I think she's got a show about stress on soon. 

I should get a guest spot on that one.