MERRY CHRISTMAS ETC.

It's Christmas Day.

It's windy and cold.

Need I say more?

I love Christmas. I love the season, decorating and buying presents. The rush of the malls and finding the right gifts is just part of my joy....then there's the food. 

Oops.

Fast forward.

I think I've watched The Christmas Story, The Holiday, Scrooged, Christmas Vacation and Love Actually eighty jillion times. This is the first year I didn't decorate. Heck, I didn't even pull out the tree. I spent a couple of days shopping and that was it.

Yes.

It was that bad.

So, in the spirit of the day,

I can truly say,

I hope you all have a wonderful and pain free day.

Keep the good cheer,

We will look forward to next year.

So bundle up and stay in

a little whipped cream on your chin...

That's all I've got.

Have a drink.

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah and Seasons Greetings!!

Rosemary

THE HOSPITAL, CHRISTMAS EVE AND THE DOCTORS TRIANGULATION

What is it about the holidays?

or just the month of December.

It has been a doozy.

And that is an understatement. There was the loss of a family member and the almost-loss of another. I sat in a hospital (which I hate) for hours on end.....for days.....until the crisis was over. Then a funeral.  That, funnily enough, made things a little bit better. While sad for the rest of us left behind, that funeral was truly a celebration of a remarkable man's life. I can only hope when it's my turn that I will be loved as much.

Then shopping for presents.

I know, I know......I could have done this all online but it seems that I'm a glutton for punishment. I just had to go to the mall. No, that's not quite the truth. I just love Nordstroms. Between Nordstroms and Costco, I'm in heaven. Actually, I admire their return policy. So, I brave all of that and start to wrap presents.

For some reason the present wrapping is worse than braving the mall.

The motions of wrapping presents seem to set me off for some reason. Maybe it's the repetitive motions.....I don't know but by the time I was done, I was done. I am now officially sick of shopping and wrapping presents. That, my friends, doesn't happen very often. 

This year has been bad.

Just bad.

I don't mean about the losses. I don't mean to minimize them...that's not my intention at all. I'm talking about the flares and the pain and the overall fatigue. It just hasn't stopped.

And I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

It's not just the fibro that's been flaring. I've got quite a few disks from "the accident" that have been acting up. Now the doctor wants to implant a neuro-stimulator that will help mask the pain. I've heard pretty good things about them. The people that do have them think they are the greatest thing since sliced bread. Even the shrink I had to see said they give you a new lease on life.

I know leases and the only ones who win are the landlord. 

And this little baby will surely be the one in charge.

I'm not sure I want a battery operated "thing" surgically implanted. For some reason, it is required to see a psychiatrist before you can be implanted with this device. He found me very well adjusted considering the extent of my back injuries. I mentioned the Fibro and he didn't seem to flinch. Maybe that's a good thing. Well adjusted?? I had to laugh at that one.

But therein lies my problem.

If it was just the back I'd be OK with it, but it's not. It's the Fibromyalgia that concerns me. This will set off a flare. The reason I know this is because every single time I have a procedure done, it takes me months to recover. I have no idea what kind of reaction this will set off. I get poo-pooed by the doctors but it's my body and I know it well. It may help my back but it's going to wreak havoc with the Fibromyalgia.

So what to do?

Oh......and then????

To top it all off?

I got the flu on Christmas.

Let's just add that ol' tiara!

Oh......just one more thing!

I got a flu shot this year.

Oh yeah.....that worked.

PAIN IS A FOUR LETTER WORD

I don't know if it's the weather.

I don't know if it's stress.

I do know that it hurts to be me.

Sometimes pain just permeates your whole being and takes over your life. Just when you get used to one level of pain another one decides to take you by surprise. It kind of likes to stop by and say hello just in case you've forgotten about it.  It doesn't want to go away gracefully.

Pain wants to rob you of your joy. I don't care whether it's physical, emotional or spiritual pain. It wants to be your nasty little reminder that pain can take away your day in one fell swoop.

Having a good day?

Wrong.

I tend to second guess myself right now. I feel a twinge and I know what's coming. Should it always be like that? Am I forever bound to a life where I measure every twinge and jab? I  also can't stay in one position for too long. My legs are starting to twitch so I know the night is going to be a long one.

Is it wise to know or is it better to let it take you by surprise?

I don't know if it's the humidity levels or just the stress of the season. I tell myself I'm going to pace myself and just do what I can. The problem is that even as I'm typing those words I know how ridiculous that sounds. My problem has never been to "just do what I can." If I'm able to, or even if I'm not able to, I keep going until I collapse. This isn't a good way to handle the holiday season.

What am I saying?

It's not a good way to handle this life. Period.

Isn't it pathetic when I can't handle shopping? Just looking at that statement depresses me. You'd think it would be so fun to go out and shop. All I know is that I can't face the stores. It's just too much to deal with and the other thing is the crowds. I can't handle that many people.

OK. 

Enough.

Time to stop sounding pathetic.

I need to put a smile on my face.

Is it working?

Nope.

That's a four letter word too.

BATH BOMBS

My daughter knows me so well.

Her gifts are always so unique and fun.

This year, she REALLY nailed it.

Introducing the bath bomb.

It's cloudy and the humidity is still at 56%. I say still because I checked it around 3 last night and it was 74%. I couldn't figure out why I hurt so bad and I decided to check the weather forecast.

Bad move.

I had Christmas Eve at the outlaws, as I love to call them, and made it through that fairly well. As we drove home I knew it was going to be a very long night. I could feel the tightening in the muscles so instead of getting in the tub when I got home, I just got in bed.  My daughter had given me the most beautiful smelling bath bombs and I really wanted to try them but I skipped the bath and just got in bed and tried to close my eyes.

Stupid move.

When I woke up Christmas morning all I wanted to do was stay in bed and put the covers over my head. That isn't a good sign. Usually I love presents but, this morning,  it even hurt to unwrap those. I cannot EVEN believe that I just said that! 

Me?

Not want to unwrap gifts?

Something is very, very wrong if that happens.

Let me tell you about the bath bombs. There is a store called Basin White in the Venetian Hotel. Thank goodness this hotel is on the Strip and far away from me because I'd probably spend my last dollar in there! These balls of fragrance, oils and sodium bicarbonate are like giant Fizzies for the tub. They are relaxing and smell UNREAL! It dissolves quickly in the water so you don't have to deal with salt crystals on the bottom of the tub. I didn't try one Christmas Eve but I did last night. She bought 7 of them for me and I'm certain I'll go through the rest of them before the week is out.

Oh, no!!!!!!!! 

I have a new obsession.

Great, just what I need.....

I've had all sorts of new obsessions. That's what we call little goofy gifts that I buy in quantity. There were the Yip Yaps, Blender Balls, Dental Dots. You name it, I'll find it. So now I have Bath bombs to add to the list. Next year, thanks to my daughter, EVERYONE will have a bath bomb in their stocking.

It may go over a little better than the Dental Dots...............

EMBRACING THE BEAST

It's been raining for the last couple of days.
That means the pain has been with me.
My constant friend.  
My unwanted companion.

I got up early this morning after tossing and turning most of the night. My daughter, son-in-law (almost) and I went to church so they could view the pastor that they wanted to officiate their  wedding  ceremony. The chairs weren't real comfortable and I still find it hard to sit for any length of time. I must have looked weird squirming in my chair for the hour and a half. To top it off I wasn't sitting at the end so I could get up and move around. The good part is that the choir singing Christmas carols was beautiful and inspiring. The bad part is by the time I was able to get up and move around I was in real pain.

In the midst of aching, debilitating pain it's tough to dig down deep and find that tiny spark of faith. The good thing was that I was in the perfect place to find it. I had my family and one of my best friends with me. I still struggle with the idea that this is a permanent way of life and I still don't like it. I have all kinds of feelings today but the one I didn't expect to find and did was peace. 

I understand that things will not always be what I want them to be. Just because I ask for something doesn't always mean that I'm going to get it. Maybe that's it. Maybe, just maybe there are times when I shouldn't get all I ask for. It's called unanswered prayers. Maybe, sometimes  the best answer is no.

I've struggled all week to find the strength to write. It's been difficult to move my hands and I understand how easy it would be to tape pencils to my fingers so that they wouldn't have to touch the keyboard. I have this stubborn streak in me so I'm just taking my time and slowly hitting the keys so that I can handle the pain that simple act causes. I forget what it's like to be completely free of pain. I don't think I'd ever take that for granted again. 

I used to love the rainy, foggy days. Just going out doors and seeing the white clouds draped over the mountains was awe inspiring. I could feel the mist on my face and I loved it. I'd walk in the cool, damp weather and it would feel wonderful. I'd grab my camera and drive close to the mountains to get some shots of the clouds. I loved those days. Now, the only thing that the humidity and rain cause is fear. I know how I'm going to feel and I have to get ramped up to get through those days. I guess that you don't know what you've lost until you've lost it.

I also used to love Christmas. I say used to and that isn't accurate. I still love it but I'm a little bitter that my career has been taken from me and with it my ability to earn a pretty good living. Part of the joy of the season is buying gifts. I had so much fun going from mall to mall picking out just the right present for the people I love. I have a hard time with the fact that I no longer have the energy to do that and I also don't have the funds. I know the reason for the season isn't the gifts but I really enjoy that. I enjoy burning the candle at both ends between the gift shopping and the holiday baking. Well, zippo on that too. I need to stop beating myself up with things I can't change. I really need to stop. I have battles to fight and I can't win them all so I need to put them on a priority basis. In other words, I need to pick my battles.

So as the holiday season approaches I'm going to stop asking for the pain to go away. I want my joy back.

What I'm going to ask for instead is to make me stronger than the pain.

(well, a trunk full of hundreds wouldn't be bad either...)

BLUE CHRISTMAS

So let's see what the old pain meter is at today.

I'd say about an 8.

Not good.

Is it the weather that is threatening to change? Is it just the stress of the holidays? Is it trying to find the perfect gift that will fit in my limited budget this year? 

Is it just plain stress?

I need to get all my decorations down but I just can't summon the motivation to do it. I love Christmas and even though I know the reason for the season, I get a lot of joy from giving gifts. It really sucks when I can't do what I want. I'll guess I'll have to be inventive this year. I understand that I can do some really cool things but I'm just lacking the holiday spirit.

How do I get it back?

First of all, the pain is skyrocketing. I think rain is coming and my body is dealing me fits right now. I haven't even gone to the gym because I hurt too much and the morning muscle stiffness is over the top. I tried going this morning but the pain medication didn't kick in so walking was out of the question. Also, the pain is playing with my head. Maybe that's why I'm having a tough time with the holiday spirit. Usually this time of year I'm decorating, baking and listening to Christmas music. Instead, I just feel kind of blah. Talk about Silent Night, huh?

It's also Chanukah. It's really kind of cool. I get the best of both worlds. There is the richness of the traditions that I grew up with and the hope that accompanies the Christmas season. I should be having a jolly old time but  I haven't even gotten my menorah out this year.

A friend of mine got the flu and he called me this morning. He told me his symptoms and complained about how lousy he felt. Then he asked me if this is what I feel like every day. Yep, that's about it. It's just varying degrees of pain and ache but it never goes away. I think he finally understands how I feel. All I know is that I have to shake this off somehow because I just want to put the covers over my head.

The other thing I hate is that I am not losing weight despite walking at the gym and my eating habits. I shouldn't be having this kind of trouble losing the weight. I just don't get it. That in itself makes me not want to bake anything because I don't need to eat the kind of things that I love to make for others.

So, right now I'm watching the Scrooged marathon and I wrapped a present for my son-in-law. Believe it or not, that's about all I can handle right now. This sounds pathetic, even to me. At least I have enough clarity to realize that. Maybe I should just start the decorations and tree anyway, even if I don't feel it. Just remember, one foot in front of the other. 

How am I going to shake this mood and lack of motivation? I'm not only suffering from a lack of motivation, I sound like I'm whining. I need to knock this off.

Does anyone have any ideas?

Yawn.