THE OSTRICH VIEW

Sometimes it's just easier this way.

Why is everything such a fight? I fight every day for a healthier way of life. I fight to get the exercise that my body needs. I fight so that I don't have to take pain medication to function and I fight the fog that seeps into my brain. 

I fight the fog and I fight the pain.

I fight to keep a smile on my face when every part of me wants give in to the feelings of anger toward the driver of this car. I know that I have to stop this. It's counter-productive and I realize it. I can't go forward while I'm still looking back. 

I actually thought I was making headway.

Now I get penalized for fighting.

I found out that I got denied by my employer's long term disability policy. I've got doctor's galore that have documented my case, however, when it comes to an insurance company paying well, that's another story. They took an "independent" medical examination and casually inserted false statements and denied me again. The added plus was that they have a real problem with Fibromyalgia. Now, a suit will probably have to be filed.

I used to pride myself on my ability to be a fighter. I had abilities and I was confident. Now I'm just tired of fighting. Now I have to continue to jump through their hoops so they'll see that I'm serious about pursuing this claim.  Most people, at this point, just give up and go away.

However, I'm not most people.

You pay premiums and they pry and pick through your life with the intention of connecting the dots so they point to denial. I do realize that there are many fraudulent claims out there and they must be thorough so that they are weeded out but when there is appropriate documentation and they discard it, well, that's just plain wrong. Now the attorneys that the insurance company has on retainer can justify their jobs and take this case to court.

Great.

Just great.

I hate fighting.

And it looks like I'll have to keep fighting.

I'm really tired of it.

LIFE IN A BELL JAR

I am watched.

Now I wait.

Life in a bell jar. 

This evening I had my independent medical evaluation. This was requested by the insurance company who will be paying my long term disability claim. I have TONS of documentation and medical records from the accident and subsequent medical problems that now include Fibromyalgia. Funnily enough, he didn't even ask about that or touch all of the tender points associated with the pain of Fibromyalgia. He just touched the base of my neck and my hips.

Most of the time was spent talking and asking me questions. He asked me to get up on my toes and to roll back on my heels. I had a little trouble with that because of my balance issues. He tested my reflexes and then hit what looked like a tuning fork to test my knees to see if I could feel any difference. Also, he didn't even get into the cognitive difficulties. That's a whole other issue. Mostly, he just asked about the back pain. The whole appointment took about an hour. 

Let me digress here for one moment. I have a question. Why is the furniture in doctor's office's so uncomfortable? I have found that orthopedic surgeon's and pain management doctor's have horrible soft furniture that make it difficult to rise from sitting to standing. Tonight, at this neurologist's office he had plastic chairs that hurt like hell. Why is that?? 

Anyway, back to the evaluation.

I got the feeling that he was asking the questions to see if I was credible. He stated that he knew most of the doctors that I've seen so I'm assuming he's not about to call them all liars. I do understand that they have to be sure that the claim is authentic. I'm certain that there are a lot of flakes out there who try to scam the system. 

I also understand that they just don't want to pay.

Again, I understand that they have to test the authenticity of the claim but I find it reprehensible that they choose take credible and authentic claims and then try to discredit the claimant. They don't hesitate to take the money but they sure as heck try to make it as difficult as possible for you to exercise your right to make a claim.

I think that most people would rather not be in this situation. This isn't fun. If I could handle sales again, I would do it in a minute. I really struggle with this whole re-invention thing. I don't know what my life purpose is at this point but I also know I want to find it. The problem is the pain and fatigue. Whatever my purpose will be is one that must be flexible because I never know how I'm going to feel. The crashes are unpredictable, both in frequency and in intensity.

So now I need to wait and see how badly I'm going to be trashed in this evaluation. I know that no matter how much this doctor says that he doesn't represent either the insurance company or me, he is being paid by the insurance company. In my opinion, if this doctor wants to be used for these medical evaluations, he better base his findings in accordance with their guidelines. 

I know I'm probably being paranoid but I feel like I'm being watched. 

Hm, somebodies watching me.

Isn't that a song?

THE ISSUE DU JOUR

Pick a point,

Any point.

It seems my back is now
 the issue du jour.

Let me run down the list.  In May and June it was my teeth setting off all kinds of flares. Then the heat and humidity started in. Now, my back is hurting. Is there ever a time when something doesn't hurt? It's my lower back in the L4-5 region. I bent over to pick up a towel and that was it. That's all it took and when I tried to straighten up I found out that it would be a little painful putting my tray table in the upright position. 

Right now I feel so confined not only because of the pain issues but because it is just too fricking hot to do anything. I've also been very tired; more so than usual. Today, for instance, I slept until 11 o'clock and that isn't like me. I just can't seem to get moving. I start yawning after being awake for only an hour. Is it heat causing this or am I just having a day where my body is trying to catch up on some of the sleep I've been missing? So now I not only have the pain all over my body, I have some nice sharp jabs in my lower back.


I'm feeling a number of things. There is the pain in my back which has been an ongoing annoyance for quite some time. No, the pain I'm feeling right now is the pain of knowing that I won't be going back to work. You would think that would be the time I'd be shouting Hallelujah and jumping for joy. 


Actually, it makes me angry. 


I got disability from Social Security and while I'm extremely grateful I'm also feeling very depressed. Its as if the experience of the last two years came tumbling down on me. I realized that I won't know the feeling of being on site again and that makes me sad. I loved new home sales. With all the garbage and the crap that you have to deal with and as bad as the market is right now, I loved it. Now, with the realization of what disability means, I know that I can't ever do it again. 


Suddenly the depression is turning to anger.


Some guy that can't keep his eyes on the road has taken away my livelihood. I know this will be a huge fight because trauma as a cause of Fibromyalgia is still controversial, however, more and more research shows that it is a cause. So now that I won't be able to do what I loved, I'll also have to deal with the fight that comes along with this mess. I've also got tests that show moderate to severe problems in my legs and that was definitely not the case before the accident. Again, everything will be a fight. 


I need to prepare for it. I need to keep my strength to be able to fight. I need to stay in the moment and not give up. There are so many issues that will occur now for the rest of my life and I need to remember that. I need to remember how much this has altered my plans and goals. I need to remember that I'm not the same physically as I used to be and I have been touched by an illness with flares that will occur without notice or cause. I need to remember all of this because one of the markers of Fibromyalgia is the blasted fog that makes me forget my own name at times. I need to remember that the muscle spasms that cause me to curl up in pain was not how I normally fell asleep. And speaking of sleep..........................


I need to remember that my life's goals was not to stay in bed and watch movies. My goals did not revolve around the idea of pain and fatigue and they certainly did not involve losing financially. I thought I'd be working and traveling and having a wonderful time. I didn't have limitations and I was excited about the life to come. 


I need to stay angry. 
I'm afraid if I don't I'll forget what this has done to me. 
I can't let that happen.

BACK FROM OZ

So, it's back from the land of Oz.

I had to go and take a test to see what I'm actually capable of doing in the workplace and I don't think it went well. 

First, the woman who I shall rename the Wicked Witch of the West or WWW, told me to press my thumb and forefinger together on an instrument that would measure my strength. She kept yelling at me to grip it harder. Then she wanted me to crawl on the floor. Okay, no problem but not with my palms flat on the ground. Due to the chronic pain I've learned how to do things in a different way so that it doesn't hurt quite as much. She didn't like that either. Everything she asked me to do I tried to do it in a way where it did not cause a lot of pain. 

First and foremost, when someone is yelling at me for something like this, I don't do well. So automatically she put down that I couldn't do it. That is not what I said to her. When the woman  who is the actual therapist came in I was very vocal about "WWW's" bedside manner. Once she took over I was fine but the other one, or rather  "the assistant" should not be conducting these types of tests. The therapist understood what I was saying. She told me that it was common with chronic pain patients to do simple tasks a little bit differently because of the pain. 

She got it. 

The other one? 

I think they dropped a house on her sister and she hasn't gotten over it yet. She hasn't got the expertise or patience to deal with chronic pain patients and I don't have the patience to deal with her.

If I was stronger I probably wouldn't even be there.

I had to crawl, pull, lift and grip. What this has to do with the workplace is beyond me. Second, it's a snapshot. What I've been like since is what should be measured. I have been crashed and in pain since the test. Why not measure that?  What happens to people that push heroically to work while in extreme amounts of pain and then burn out? Is it noted that the work was done out of desperation or hardship? What is actually taken into account and what constitutes a disability? If given a choice would most people choose to abandon their career in favor a life changing event? 

Not many people that I know would make that choice and especially not me. 

I have no idea what this report will say. The woman asked me yesterday if I could go back to what I was doing before I got all of this. I can honestly answer that I cannot, however, I'm guilty until proven innocent. I have to be dragged down in all ways possible. I get to be dragged down physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially until they finally get the fact that I cannot do this anymore. I can't remember everything that I used to call up in a moments notice. I can't read contracts and remember them anymore. I can't deal with the stress and the physical demands of new home sales. 

So now I wait...

And wait...

And wait....

CAPABLE OF WHAT?

What are my capabilities?

I get to find out because I've got a test coming up that will measure just that. I was told where to go and then I asked about the test. They told me to wear loose clothing because I would be.....get this.......sitting for extended periods of time, the same for standing, stooping, bending, crawling and that the test would last approximately 3 to 4 hours depending how long I would need to rest. Well, if that's the case the test should last a couple of weeks! How many boxes of Kleenex's will I need because it sounds like I will be crying all the way through the test.

I know that it will take me through the physical demands of the workplace but what about the things that are impossible to be measured? Things like stress, variables like weather or symptoms that plague people with Fibromyalgia that appear and disappear at will with an intensity level that can go from zero to OH-MY-GOD in a matter of minutes. These things cannot be measured in testing that lasts a few hours. Also, what happens after the testing is complete is also not taken into account. I may have a good day and do relatively well on the test and then completely fall apart the next day. The testing doesn't monitor your abilities over a period of time. It's a single snapshot of a particular point in time and, to me, that is inadequate.

Plus, I took a look at the extended forecast. I understand that weather can change but right now the extended forecast calls for rain on the day I'm scheduled for the test. If anything can make me laugh, that did it. I should just be in fine shape if the humidity is off the charts and it's raining. Can you imagine me doing all of this with a pain level of 8 or above? It makes me shudder just to think about it.

I'm sure this will be the first of many tests that will decide my future. It is enough to have the pressure of an income level that has been cut by more than three quarters now I have to think about this. I do have a tendency to over-think things and I'm sure this subject will be no different. I have already started the process which includes analyzing, over-analyzing, beating it into the ground, killing and burying it and then finally resurrecting it and being analyzing it all over again. 

The problem is that I don't like limitations. Never have. I don't care whether it's been limitations on mental challenges, food or speed limits. It makes no difference to me. If you tell me I can't do it I would give my last dime to prove you wrong. Notice, however, physical limitations are not on that list. I used to believe that my body would never attack me. I could use it and push it and there was never a problem. That was before. After all of this??  I will push my body only so far. Pain is not gain as far as I'm concerned. To me, pain is a way of your body telling you that you need to STOP. I know my body well and I tend to listen to it. If I continue to push beyond a certain point my body has never failed me. It slams me against a wall and says, "I told you to stop now you have no choice but to LISTEN TO ME!"  I have no desire to learn that particular lesson over again.  It's a difficult thing to reconcile........hating limitations but knowing that you do have them at this point in your life. I still don't like them.

Great. Just one more thing to keep me up at night........

MY FORMER LIFE

37%

37 Fricking Percent.

It just never stops, does it?

Right now Fibromyalgia has been classified as a neurosensory disorder characterized, in part, by abnormalities in the central nervous system pain processing center. The central nervous system (CNS) consisting of the  brain and spinal cord, are easily injured by accidents or stress. Studies show that people with trauma are 13% more likely to develop Fibromyalgia. Also stress, whether it is from emotional, physical or chemical means, is a cause of this disease.

Trauma and Fibromyalgia.

Fibromyalgia stemming from cervical or any kind of trauma is still very controversial in the medical community. One of my doctors doesn't believe it; one of them does believe that trauma from my auto accident is the cause. I truly believe the trauma from the accident that I had tipped the scale in Fibromyalgia's favor. I was so different 2 years ago. I wanted to move around and through any back pain that I had. I wore heels; high ones. I swore I'd never leave them behind. I loved to laugh and be with friends and family. I would have bad days but not many. The good days were in abundance. Speaking of abundance, even in this economy I was financially sound. I can unequivocally proclaim that this accident definitely did something to me. 

The humidity and the subsequent pain that it brings gets me a little moody and introspective. When I start to think about how different my life is today I then go from slightly moody to really pissed off. When doctors tell me the Fibro isn't caused by the accident then I want to know why I changed. I'm not a weak sister. I've tried to fight this all the way. I even tried going back to what I normally do only to fall in bed in pain after a day at work. I'd wake up in the morning and get ready to go and almost cry. Sitting on my fanny or curled up in bed in pain isn't my idea of a good time. I don't like to be around a lot of people that know me because they see the difference in me and I hate the pity. 

Attention seekers.

I know that some people revel in the fact that they are chronically ill. It gives them the attention they crave. If they didn't find it in illness they would find it in something else. There is not a  question in my mind. I do not think that most people fall into this category but the few that do taint it for everyone else. The problem is a two-edged sword. If you lay in bed because you hurt, you're a drama queen over-exaggerating your condition. If you get up and try to fight it then you're able to do something and it's not a disabling condition. It seems that you just can't win.

So, as I'm waiting for all these people to make their determinations regarding the severity of my condition and the causes of my illness I am writing. I'm writing to make a difference for myself and anyone else who is suffering as well. It isn't easy watching your life go down the toilet and be at the mercy of all these outside influences. Patience was never a virtue that I possessed. If it was able to be grabbed I wanted it NOW. 

Life Sentence not Death Sentence.

Yes, this isn't an illness that will disappear after a round of antibiotics. This will be with me for the rest of my life. Being in jail handcuffed and bound is so tough to take. There will be limitations on my body and my psyche. There are days that I deal with it well and there are days that I don't. I think that I have to go through the process of grieving for the life that I once had. I can't worry about the loss and I have to be able to dig deep down and not be bitter about it.  I have to find something to do and I realize it isn't going to be what I once loved. What I used to do is too physically and emotionally taxing for me to handle at this point in my life. It was a life of stress squared, so I'm gradually learning how to leave it behind and search for another creative outlet.

Is this it?

I'm not sure but I love it.

Now I just have to figure out how to make money from it.

Ah, yes..........the sordid topic of coin.

TRIP THE FIRST DOMINO

The humidity is still between 55 and 65%. I'm so sick of writing and whining about the weather. I wish it would change but I can't do anything about it. I'd love to wave a magic wand and change the weather to something more tolerable. While I'm at it I'd love to wave that wand over my whole life. Well, not my WHOLE life....just the health and financial section of it. Right now, that part really sucks.

I met with an attorney for my long term disability today. I finally felt some sort of validation. For the first time I didn't have to explain myself. To my amazement, he explained me to me. He understood and offered a glimmer of hope.  I wasn't sure I wanted to go the attorney route but fighting insurance companies takes everything out of you. I finally got to the point where I felt that I could relinquish control because of the simple fact that they are competent. In a city where there are flakes galore I found a firm that understands Fibromyalgia, insurance companies and the steps that need to be taken to finalize this mess. So now I have to be patient and wait this out. I guess I've waited this long so what's a few more months or six.

So now it's time to trip the domino. First to deal with the disability and then the car accident that seemed to start this fiasco. You see, that is one of the things that impressed me about the attorney I saw today. He didn't look surprised about the car accident. That lovely little car accident that took away my controlled little life and sent it spiraling into the chaotic world of doctors, attorney's, tests and pain management. They didn't seem surprised by that at all. To top it off, they gave me all the information on the support group for Fibromyalgia in Las Vegas. Tomorrow, I start trying to make contact with them. I can get involved and get the support that is needed with this illness.

So here I am getting on this roller coaster ride again. The ride that is thrilling but also makes you want to throw up. As long as I can see the light at the end of the tunnel I can bear getting back on this ride. I'm tired of keeping volumes of paperwork that includes all of my medical files. Oh, that's the other thing. I brought in one of my binders and he looked at me and said, "oh, another Type A personality with Fibromyalgia. I'll bet you've been this way all of your life, haven't you?" 

Bingo.

DENIED

The humidity is up and the OW factor has returned with a vengence. You know, that doesn't sound quite right. It makes it seem that the pain goes away and then returns. The pain NEVER goes away. It's an ebb and flow. Sometimes the wave comes gently on the shore and sometimes the wave is a tsunami.

On top of it all I got denied by disability. I don't even believe that one. They picked out about 8 points in my medical file, which was wrong, and then stated that my profession allowed me the flexibility to make appointments. Are these people on drugs??

No. They just don't want to pay.

Jump through the hoops and let's see how serious you really are and, if you're lucky, you may get discouraged and go away. That's what they really hope you'll do. I believe that they luck out most of the time. This is a fight and I get tired of fighting. I'm tempted to go away but I can't afford to do that. I feel my body getting worse by the day and it's due to high pressure selling and high pressure from management to sell the product. It's hard to keep your mind on selling and presenting a happy face to the world when the pain intensifies. You get one block knocked out and another one is put in front of you.

Denied.

Now I have to pick apart policies and letters and submit documentation and try to get them to review my file once more. Again, I'll have to wait through the red tape and see if I can get out of the pressure of sales and find another purpose for my life.

I can't believe I have to fight for this and then turn it into begging.

You pay premiums and they have physicians assistants to review your file with the intention of finding anything that they can to turn this request into a denial.

I'm tired.