Thursday, April 29, 2010


Fibrous tissue pain.
Fibro = fibrous
myalgia = pain

There are trigger points throughout the body that when pressed are painful. Out of the 18 trigger points, eleven of them must be painful to get a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. Of equal importance the pain must have been present for at least three months or more. These points are scattered over the whole body; in the neck, knees, back , hips, chest and even elbows.

For the "normal" person pressing these points does nothing. They might just feel a little pressure. For the person with this disease pressing these points is extremely painful. It's the pain that causes the journey to begin. The pain and the overpowering fatigue. 

What does the fatigue do? Well, we're told to exercise but we are too tired to exercise. We're told to get out and get moving but after a trip to the grocery store or even simple tasks such as cleaning we're too tired to go out and do anything else. We're tired when we wake up and we're tired when we go to sleep. By the way, we also don't stay asleep very well either. 

Do we have decreased blood flow to the parts of the brain that handles pain? Could it be genetic? I have questions........all sorts of them.

Anyway, now that I have taken the test to see my capabilities in the workplace, I now have to go back and get an updated test on the tenderness of my trigger points. I can tell you that it should be a fun test because the pain hasn't subsided.  I can't handle a lot of pressure on my body right now so this should be fun.

I actually look forward to seeing my doctor again. She's a straight shooter and doesn't sugarcoat anything. I like that. I ask questions and she answers them. She not only answers them she asks if I've understood her explanation. I don't take exception to her asking that question. I really don't. The ever-present fog has really done a number on me right now so I appreciate her concern. 

So on the 10th of May it's off to the doctor and then off to the doctor again! Next week it is pain management and the week after that its the trigger point test. I just wish I could get all this testing over with so the disability matter could be finalized. I realize that I'm a hope freak but I really do hope that the company will see that I am truly not able to function in a high stress position like I had before.

I think I'll take advantage of the sleep while I can. I' m finally getting very tired so I'll pop a melatonin and see if I can sleep tonight. Last night was real tough. I finally closed my eyes around 5 am. I hate things on my face but I'm actually tempted to try a sleep mask. I've got the sound machine and that drowns out noises but I still can't stay asleep.

Okay.......let's see if I can stay asleep tonight...........did I mention that the humidity is also rising? The weather has been so erratic. Hot one day and cold and windy the next. It rained a little so that always makes for a great day! I know I'm rambling........

Goodnight moon..........

Monday, April 26, 2010


I've got a great story.............

Whenever someone asks me what I like to be called, whether it's Rose, Rose Mary or Rosemary or hey you, my first response is: "It really doesn't matter....I've even answered to bitch." 

My name is actually Rose but I went to Rosemary when I married a man with the last name of Lee. Now, I don't know what anyone else thinks but Rose Lee sounds like a stripper so that's when I combined my first name and middle name; hence,  Rosemary. In my whole life I never got called Rosemary unless I was in trouble. Well........I did hear that name quite a bit after I got my car......but that's another story all together!

Sometimes I think I sound like I'm in total control. I'm really not but I think I write that way. I've been told that my writing sounds totally different from the way I intend it to really come across. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's just my style. What I mean to say is:

I am like everyone else with this mess. I'm in the depths of the black hole and then somewhat normal. I'm in excruciating pain and then it drops to about a seven and I'm then thanking God every other minute. I fall asleep at the drop of a hat and then I can't sleep at night. Mostly I hate that I have this wretched disease. I haven't accepted much about it. I hate that I have to slug down pain medication to get through the days and especially the nights.

I'm definitely not Little Mary Sunshine. I love humor and love to laugh. Some days there's just not a lot to laugh about. I'm a cynic and look at the world half empty but wish with all my heart human nature wouldn't disappoint me and I could look at the world from the glass half full. 

I love disaster movies. Truly I love watching the world get wiped out by a giant tsunami. Deep Impact, The Day After Tomorrow, 2012, Volcano and Twister are some of my favorite movies. I never tire of watching them. Being myself on the other end of the spectrum, I love sappy romantic comedies. 13 going on 30 is one of my favorites. I love movies and usually end up watching them until 3 or 4 in the morning until I can try to close my eyes.

I used to call this blog, "I really do miss myself," but I changed it to something that I was looking for rather than something that was occurring. It's true, though. I really do miss myself. I used to be really intelligent. I loved reading contracts and reading law books. Now I can't even get through a Harlequin romance novel without re-reading it. I used to have a near photographic memory. Now I can't even remember where I put my keys. I used to have a great sense of humor and an intense personality. Now, I find it hard to find the silver lining in most of my days.

It irritates the crap out of me that I hurt ALL THE TIME. I hate that I have to take this pain medication. I really hate that fricking car accident that tripped the domino and started all of this mess. 

So what do I answer to? 

I'll answer to anything if I can remember who I am that day.

Saturday, April 24, 2010


The good thing is that the pain hasn't been quite as intense as it has been the last few days. The bad thing is that the pain hasn't been quite as intense as it has been the last few days.   

Why is that, you ask? 

Well, when the pain spikes to an unbelievable level and you get even the slightest bit of relief, it's so overwhelming that you want to get down on your knees and accept a level of pain that on any other day would be extremely depressing. When it spikes that high and you thank God that you have gotten any relief at all and then you realize what will be with you always it is a very sobering experience. 

This is why I love the people that have become friends through blogging. They keep me real and grounded. They keep me in the loop and not so isolated. They also keep me in their prayers and I keep them in mine. They understand what I'm feeling and what I'm not feeling. I can pick up the phone because I know they will be there. 

I have to say that in this life of mine I have never put a lot of stock in "girl friends." I've had a close circle of girlfriends that is very small. One of my best friends I met in the 7th grade. There wasn't a lot of women in that circle. For the longest time I found it was a headache to have too many girlfriends. If I didn't call all the time I got grief. Then there was the gossip and all sorts of chit-chat garbage. I found it tiresome. It was easier not to let a lot of people in "the group."

Then something changed.

As I get older I find that women are wonderful. Gone are the politics and envy and what's left are women who are just trying to find their way in this goofy world. We find that we can genuinely enjoy our diverse experiences and opinions. We can agree to disagree. We can be there in joy, triumph, sorrow and accomplishment. The old saying is true. Men can come and go but a girlfriend is forever.

Now with the decreasing energy levels and pain involved with Fibromyalgia a new group of women have entered my circle of friends. These women truly understand but it's more than that. We've reached out in a way that I don't think we would have ever done before. It's a need for acceptance in a world that doesn't accept chronic illness. It's need for understanding in a world that doesn't understand chronic pain. It's the need to vent when no one else can stand to hear one more word about how we feel. It's the need to feel a touch when we can't stand for anyone else to touch us. It's a touch; albeit an invisible one,  but it still warms the heart.

I have found so many joys in blogging. Not only have I been able to open myself up and write about experiences that are either depressing or embarrassing but I've also been able to open up and ask for help. That, for me, is huge. I enjoy looking for new comments. Feedback is wonderful. I wish that everyone who reads my words would say what they think; whether that be a positive or negative opinion. I think all of us have a need for some sort of recognition and this arena is no different. I see all sorts of places and people that read this and I wish they'd let me know how, or if, this blog touches them.

So this is a little thank you to the people that follow me. Lynn-Marie, Michelle and CJ are wonderful women and I thank them so much for everything that they've given. The are truly angels and I want them to know that I appreciate them so much.

So tonight there's been a little relief from the pain. I will still be chugging pain medication this evening but at least it's not unbearable. I'll still need my heating pad so that I will get some warmth in these bones but thanks to some wonderful people in my life my heart is already warm.

Friday, April 23, 2010


It's a tough day. Usually I like to write at night but the last couple of nights I've been in the fetal position swallowing pain pills and muscle relaxers praying that they would take the edge off the pain a little. I haven't had pain levels that got almost to 10 in quite some time. The pain is bad at 7 and 8 but the last couple of nights I understood how some people do not make it through continual levels of this kind of pain.

It's hard to accept this kind of pain will be in my life forever or until they find a cure. It's hard to accept that I will forever have limitations and that there will be people and doctors that don't believe me. It's hard to accept that people will leave my life because they can't take this illness and what it does to me. It's hard to accept that loved ones will not listen to you when you say you're in pain because they're sick of hearing it. It's hard to accept that those same people will turn around and say to you, "Well, I'm tired and I hurt too."

It's hard to accept that you are not meant to do what you were born to do. It's hard to accept that you can't work and that means that you have no value.  It's hard to accept  the fact that you can't make money and support yourself. It's hard to accept the notion that staying home is not  for the weak, the mindless and the useless.

It's hard to accept all of this. I don't mean to say that anyone who chooses to be a stay-at-home mom is mindless or useless. I was a stay-at-home mom and cherished every moment. There is something magical about childhood and I was fortunate enough to be able to stay home with my daughter. What I mean is that I have that Type A squared personality. I work hard, play hard and rest hard. When I got sick, I got sick very hard. When I got out into the work force (which I didn't want to do, just as a 411) I put everything I had into my chosen profession. I didn't have anyone at home anymore and could do what I loved until they wheeled me out of a sales office. I didn't have to quit and didn't want to quit. I loved it. Now that I can't do it anymore I feel mindless, useless, weak and isolated. I enjoyed the work and the money. 

I have a friend who said laughingly, "I don't fear death. I fear poverty." I know EXACTLY what he means by that statement.

I've read that in order to gain victory over pain we should welcome it. We should respond with wisdom to the pain. Pain is a messenger. Suffering happens when we refuse to welcome the pain.  Well being will come when we live in harmony with ourselves and the world around us.

What a load of crap.

I will NEVER welcome this kind of pain. I do not believe and will never believe that by welcoming this horrific pain will help me overcome it. People who write this crap probably have never been in pain or they're on major drugs.

Welcome this crap?

Are they kidding?

Well, there's another thing that is hard to accept.

Thursday, April 22, 2010


"We are so accustomed to disguising ourselves that in the end we become disguised to ourselves."
Francois de la Rochefaucauld

What a quote!

This quote was on another Fibro sufferers blog. It spoke to me so much that I knew I'd have to discuss it. Maybe it spoke to me because I've been Type A squared since birth. Maybe it spoke to me because I've been in sales with home builders for many years. Maybe it spoke to me because as a by-product of new home sales, I've been a chameleon for so long that I don't even recognize myself anymore. Maybe.......maybe.........maybe.

Maybe, just maybe, it spoke to me because of the pain.

It's so true that we disguise ourselves. Whether we have a chronic illness or not we usually never tell the truth when someone asks how we are. I mean, who really answers the question when someone asks how you are? It's really bad when you have chronic pain.

"How are you doing today?"

Not good.
I feel like crapola.
All I want to do is sleep.
This sucks.
My life is falling apart.
I'm in huge, big time, pain.
My hands hurt.
My head hurts.
My back hurts.
I'm not sleeping real well.
My whole body hurts.
Every bone in my body hurts.
I ache.
I'm tired.
This disease is destroying my life.
I feel horrible.
I can't seem to get out of bed.
I can't concentrate real well today.
What did you say?

After a while no one wants to hear it anymore.

Let me clue you in on a little fact.

After a while we don't want to say it anymore either.

So we say:

I'm okay.
Or we fake a smile.
I'm just a little tired.
Or we fake a smile.
It could be worse.
Or we fake a smile.
Today's not a real good day.
Or we fake a smile.
Or we burst into tears.
And we still try to fake a smile.
Or better yet....we just don't say anything.

We sugarcoat it.

Anyway, we disguise how we feel. We disguise the pain that we feel. We disguise the guilt that we feel. We disguise the depression. We disguise the lack of sleep. We disguise the embarrassment over feeling sick yet again. We disguise the forgetfulness. We disguise everything.

Is it any wonder that we don't know who we are anymore? Let me see, I want a ticket to La-La land and I want to take up permanent residency there. I'm also incognito. What else?? Is it really so hard to believe that someone can feel so unbelievably awful all the time? Maybe that is why this disease is so misunderstood. I think it might possibly help for people to understand how we feel if they can relate to the worst possible flu that they've ever had. The flu that made every bone in their bodies ache with an intensity that was staggering. The kind of flu that made it impossible for them to leave their bed for a few days. Now try having that same feeling not for a day, or a week or a month but have that feeling year after year after year. Do you think they'd understand Fibromyalgia then? How about those doctors that think this is all in our heads? Let's take that old baseball bat and beat the crap out of them and continue to beat them every day for a few years. Do you think they'd think we were crazy then? Do you think people would finally get it?

Can you tell I'm on my soapbox? Can you tell I'm just the slightest bit pissy in the attitude department? Well, this is what happens when I can't sleep and the pain index is off the charts. Just as an FYI, the humidity is still high and I still hurt.

I hurt a lot.

It's the voodoo kind of pain and it hasn't gone away. I know it will be another long night and I'm chugging pain medication like there is no tomorrow. The lovely storm front is still hanging around. The temperatures have gone from the mid 80's to the low 50's and it doesn't look like it will change for the next couple of days. 

I'd like to say my favorite word but  this is a G-rated blog.

I'm just sayin......................................

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


Wherever it is, I want to be there. However long it takes to get there, I want to go. Tonight, I want to go to la-la land because the rain is coming. What this has done is make every muscle feel like stone and I feel like I'm carrying around every last brick. I've already started slugging down the pain medication because it's going to be a very long night. If they don't start to work shortly I'm going to slug down a couple more. 

I absolutely refuse to hurt like this all night long. Someone came in and beat the crap out of me and I feel it. 

Every bone. 
Every muscle.
Every nerve ending.
Every fiber of my being.


I've read other blogs and I must say that some people have mostly good days but there is a core group that has more bad ones than good ones. This is the group I love to read about. It helps to know that there is someone out there experiencing the same things that I do. Even when the pain is somewhat manageable not a day goes by that I don't have some level of pain. What that does is screw with my head. 

Maybe it falls under misery loves company.

I'm afraid to go to the doctor to say I'm depressed because then they'll label what I have "depression." I'm not depressed. It's the constant pain that causes me to evaluate everything about myself. Try hurting like this day in and day out and see if you can remain Little Mary Sunshine. 

There are days when I go out but I still hurt. There are functions I can attend on a limited basis but I still hurt. I hurt when I wake up and I still hurt by the time I want to go to sleep. Notice I said want to go to sleep. I still hurt when I can't sleep and wish I could. I hurt when I see my daughter and when I see the in-laws. I still hurt when I force myself out of the house. Anymore I hate to go anywhere because it's just an exercise in futility. What fun is it to go out when I'm constantly reminded by my body that I'm not going to have fun because of the pain?

I've been afraid to up the dosage on the pain medication but I would love a couple of days that are totally pain free. I know...I know......that's too much to ask.

Now it's late or very early in the morning.....however you want to look at it. I still can't sleep and the pain is still present. I must be psychic because I'm going to make a prediction. Today my attitude will be in the toilet. The humidity is still rising and my pain along with it. By the time this ends I'm going to be in tears and wish I could find that ticket to my favorite place.

Screw Disneyland.

I want to go to la-la land.

Monday, April 19, 2010


The rain is coming and, of course, there's a lot of pain. I hate it when the humidity rises because it means that I have to deal with it and swallow pain pills, muscle relaxers and do anything that I can to distract myself. Usually I distract myself by thinking and that gets me in trouble. I do tend to over-think things and tonight should be a real doozy in that department.

Never say never.

I said the word "never" only a couple of times in my life. Once was when my mother met one of my dates. He came into the house and met her. Once he left I shut the door with a big "whew" and turned and looked at my mom. She said to me, "why don't you marry a man like that? He'd be very good to you." I looked at my mother and said with a snarky look on my face "Mom, Come on.....I'd never marry him."

What do you think happened?  Of course, I ended up marrying him.

The times when I've said never are the times when it has come back to bite me in the ass. I've said that I'd never talk to someone again and, of course, I did.

When will I learn never to say never?

This time, however, it might be a sign of healing. This relationship hurt me a great deal. It left me with the feeling that I was never quite good enough. I had a best friend and I found out it was a lie. It not only hurt me, it cut my heart out. It brought on a depression that was one of the deepest black holes that I've ever been in. It scared me that I could sink that low. I literally had to force myself back into life. Maybe I need to find resolution with all of this to really move on. It's been quite some time but, with this, maybe time hasn't healed all wounds. 

Today I had a phone call that felt like time had not passed at all . Conversation seems to come so easily and flows so effortlessly. Why is that? If only the rest of the relationship could have been like that. There was something there that was so special. It was there from the beginning and it was sad that had to end the way that it did.  It still is disturbing that we could pick up right where we left off, figuratively speaking.

I swore that I'd never speak to him again but it only took a hello to melt an icy heart.

It will be a long night thinking about this one.

Sunday, April 18, 2010


Tonight is a pain night.

Funnily enough, it was a pretty good day. Now, this morning I was greeted with the ever-familiar muscle stiffness and pain but after a while it subsided into a dull ache that was manageable. Then tonight, all of a sudden, pain slammed me against the wall.

What the heck happened?

I have no fricking clue.

So, in order to take my mind off the pain in my hands and the rest of my body, I decided to type. I looked at Mr. H who is getting up in years. His little legs are starting to give out but the poor little guy remains his happy little self. He greets his pack with all the enthusiasm of his youth. Even though his little legs give out he still runs and he wags his tail with his whole body. 

Mr. H also never passes up the chance to go for a ride in the car. He loves a joyride and takes great pleasure in letting the air hit his face. Again, his legs will give out but he gets right up and stands so he can put his head out of the window to feel the breeze. Even though his age is getting to him he still eats with gusto and protects his "bone bag" from intruders. He lets nothing go to waste and doesn't stress if he isn't quite as trim as he used to be. He enjoys laying in the grass to keep cool. He stays quiet and gathers his thoughts and takes pleasure in the rest.

Mr. H is content. 

No matter what his body is doing to him he is satisfied that all his needs are met. He doesn't focus on what he isn't able to do he just does what he wants. If he needs to stop he complaining or whining. 

He accepts his limitations. 

I should be more like H.

(he doesn't leave the house without his I.D.)

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Since being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia I love reading and absorbing anything I can that will teach me about this invisible disease. I found an absolute gem of a video presentation. It's a little over an hour but WELL WORTH THE TIME. It keeps your interest especially on days where following anything is a little tough.

Dr. Sean Mackey, assistant professor of anesthesia, at the Stanford University Medical Center gives a detailed presentation on Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain. 

He talks about the symptoms of Fibromyalgia, treatments, alternative studies and the latest research. It's really informative and a wonderful presentation! It is a great video for friends or family who don't quite understand what is going on in your body. He knows a great deal about this disease and he presents this information in  a positive manner.

He hits you right away with the heightened sensitization of pain transmitters and believes that Fibromyalgia may very well be a central nervous system condition.

I promise you'll find this very enlightening and informative.

Here's the link to the video presentation.

ResearchChannel - An Update on Fibromyalgia

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


So, it's back from the land of Oz.

I had to go and take a test to see what I'm actually capable of doing in the workplace and I don't think it went well. 

First, the woman who I shall rename the Wicked Witch of the West or WWW, told me to press my thumb and forefinger together on an instrument that would measure my strength. She kept yelling at me to grip it harder. Then she wanted me to crawl on the floor. Okay, no problem but not with my palms flat on the ground. Due to the chronic pain I've learned how to do things in a different way so that it doesn't hurt quite as much. She didn't like that either. Everything she asked me to do I tried to do it in a way where it did not cause a lot of pain. 

First and foremost, when someone is yelling at me for something like this, I don't do well. So automatically she put down that I couldn't do it. That is not what I said to her. When the woman  who is the actual therapist came in I was very vocal about "WWW's" bedside manner. Once she took over I was fine but the other one, or rather  "the assistant" should not be conducting these types of tests. The therapist understood what I was saying. She told me that it was common with chronic pain patients to do simple tasks a little bit differently because of the pain. 

She got it. 

The other one? 

I think they dropped a house on her sister and she hasn't gotten over it yet. She hasn't got the expertise or patience to deal with chronic pain patients and I don't have the patience to deal with her.

If I was stronger I probably wouldn't even be there.

I had to crawl, pull, lift and grip. What this has to do with the workplace is beyond me. Second, it's a snapshot. What I've been like since is what should be measured. I have been crashed and in pain since the test. Why not measure that?  What happens to people that push heroically to work while in extreme amounts of pain and then burn out? Is it noted that the work was done out of desperation or hardship? What is actually taken into account and what constitutes a disability? If given a choice would most people choose to abandon their career in favor a life changing event? 

Not many people that I know would make that choice and especially not me. 

I have no idea what this report will say. The woman asked me yesterday if I could go back to what I was doing before I got all of this. I can honestly answer that I cannot, however, I'm guilty until proven innocent. I have to be dragged down in all ways possible. I get to be dragged down physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially until they finally get the fact that I cannot do this anymore. I can't remember everything that I used to call up in a moments notice. I can't read contracts and remember them anymore. I can't deal with the stress and the physical demands of new home sales. 

So now I wait...

And wait...

And wait....

Sunday, April 11, 2010


Mr. H is getting ready for Danielle's wedding!

Well, today I got to pry myself from my usual horizontal position and go shopping for wedding dresses. No, not for me but for my daughter. I am still in a fair amount of pain and I think I only got a couple of hours of sleep last night.  I couldn't get comfortable and then my body couldn't decide whether it was hot or cold. Not a lot of fun trying to get into sleep mode.

No matter. I would have crawled to see her try on these dresses. The other half of the "outlaws" as I like to call them, was there as well as her dear friends. The "moms" can get in all sorts of trouble so instead of the in-laws we are the outlaws! Actually, the other half is the president of the bad girls club at the school where she teaches!  She's a dear woman and we get along famously. It's wonderful when families blend so well. 

Anyway, what a difference than when she tried on wedding dresses the last time. It was about 4 years ago and she was engaged. I should have known something was up when she barely cracked a smile as she was trying on gowns. She didn't look happy to me but she said everything was fine.  Everything works itself out for a reason and seeing her today was really something amazing. 

She was radiant! 

She's so in love with the man she's marrying. It's just the way it should be and you can see it all over her face. No reservations or hesitations and the dress she chose is MAGNIFICENT. Now, I happen to think she'd look beautiful in anything she put on but this dress is stunning. I'm so happy for her. It wasn't until I snapped off about 50 pictures that I noticed the "no photography" sign. I'd never seen that before in a bridal shop. Unless you purchase the gown you can't take photos. Weird, huh? I guess I understand but this is a HUGE deal and I took the pics anyway. 

It took a couple of hours and now I'm trashed. Geez, you'd think I'd run a marathon. I sat in a chair like the good mother of the bride and watched her try on dresses. They did have mother of the bride dresses but they looked more like Grandmother of the Bride dresses to us. I couldn't have tried one on anyway, that's how much it hurts today.  I'm so tired that I can hardly keep my eyes open so right after this it's nap time. Well, I didn't get any sleep last night so I'm probably just catching up. My whole body's the usual who-took-a-baseball-bat-and-beat-the-hell-out-of-me syndrome and I kept yawning.  What else is new? 

All I want to know is when I'm going to feel even just a little bit better? I want to enjoy this time with my daughter without pain clouding the issue. My dog, Mr. H, has the right idea. He's 14 and he thinks naps are a wonderful way to spend Sunday afternoon. 

I'm with him.

Saturday, April 10, 2010


It's a catatonic state of being.
 You're sure that the earth is going to open up and swallow you and you wish it would. 

Your eyes glaze over and become as vacant as your soul. The cold and numb surrounds you and penetrates deep into your bones. It can't be happening to you, can it? 

Yes, it can.

As I read about friends who are getting hit hard from these toxic and destructive relationships I start to think again. I think about the bottom line and it's control. The need for absolute control. It's the overpowering need for absolute control. 

They have a sense of reality that is skewed to their needs and their needs only. Then there is the technique called gaslighting. I had never heard of this but it struck me to my core. It's manipulation by psychological means that makes you doubt your own memory and perception. Because you're in adoration mode they have the power to do this. I think this is the part of the game that they love the best and it works because what you want most from them is their approval. You want so badly to believe what they tell you. Even if you do confront them you almost feel bad about doing so because the explanations that they offer seem to make sense. Notice I said the word "seem." There's just something that's not quite right; you just can't put your finger on it but somewhere deep inside you know it's not right.  This is where the psychological manipulation comes in. 

He lives his own fantasy life and the woman he chooses must totally buy in or else he will tire of you. You are there for only a few purposes and they are: to keep him entertained, to feed him and to lay him. That's it. He'll even tell you he's very easy to get along with as long as you do those things and keep him number one in your life. Don't be on the phone when he comes in the door, have his dinner ready and get ready for bed. Sounds simple, huh? 

If you've gotten away you've truly dodged the bullet. I know that for a very long time you'll miss the man he's created for you but remember what characteristics he holds. All the goodness and light are illusions. Beware of wolves in sheep's clothing because underneath it is dark and the wolf has the power to destroy your soul. Even as I write this I can feel a twinge of sadness for what once was and then I remember what it did to me. The twinge goes away quickly.

I hurt for the women in their paths. You shake your head and wonder what went wrong. You were so perfect for each other. You were on top of the world and now you're in the depths of hell. He did know you like no one else ever did. He paid attention to you like no one else ever did. He made you feel like no one else ever did and the reason for this was that with every conversation, every time you opened up to him, every hurt and every weakness that was divulged went into the data bank. He was casing the joint and he knew every nook and cranny of you and how to use it to his benefit.

After a while you get angry and want him to hurt the way you were hurt. Unfortunately, that's impossible. He doesn't have the depth of emotion or the empathy necessary to feel this way. He will just be on to his next victim. If I can say anything to you it would be to heal yourself because he will never be healed. Never.

What do you get out of it?

Well, get him.

Isn't that enough?

It all falls under the category of: "be careful what you wish for, you just may get it."

Thursday, April 8, 2010


These are a few of my favorite things..........

I have slowly come to the realization that if my body isn't happy I won't be either.

It has been an icky day. I've been looking in the mirror and that isn't healthy for my psyche. It started when my daughter went to the endocrinologist. She had an appointment this morning because she's starting to display the lovely symptoms that I have. Apparently, this thyroid crapola which includes the Autoimmune Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (which I will abbreviate to AHT because I hate typing that out for some reason) and hypothyroidism is inherited from the maternal side of the family. Lucky her, huh? Well, lucky me as well because my mother must have had issues with her thyroid. I don't know much about my medical history so that is the first concrete piece of evidence that I've ever had.

Anyway she got on the scale at the doctor's office and flipped out. She's texting while she's sitting in the room waiting for the doctor telling me her weight and she feels like she wants to throw up (figuratively, of course)! She hates her hips and thighs. Anything over 125 really depresses her and it was over that number.  Let me give you a visual. My daughter has very healthy eating habits. She works out with both strength and cardio routines several times a week. She should be a twig and she's been struggling with weight gain. I can understand part of my weight gain because of age, inactivity and the thyroid but her? She should be a twig. Then there's the hair issues. She's losing eyelashes and the ends of her eyebrows. Yep, that's a sign but I think I'd rather continue with that than the hair loss I've got. Funny, I can lose hair on parts of my body........I have very little hair on my legs and arms........but do you think that would also apply to my chin? Or to my upper lip?

No. Not only no, but hell no.

Part of the legacy that I've passed on are body image issues that plagues most of the female population. We cannot handle imperfections in our body when it comes to dress size. We don't care if the average size is a 12. Truly, I couldn't care less. I want to be 115 like I was before. I don't like the way I look and that influences how I feel about myself. My daughter is the same way. She stands in front of the mirror and places her hands on her hips to shave off a few inches.  She wants smart lipo on her hips and then she'll be happy.

I hate to tell her that isn't the case. 

The day quickly comes that instead of hands on the hips will progress to hands on her face to see how many years can be shaved off if the turkey neck was gone. The swan-like grace that was once a profile has now become the gobbler. Again, body image and self image are all tied up in this neat little package. For me it's not an age thing. I don't mind laugh lines and I don't mind crows feet. I figure I've earned them. I wouldn't want to look all pulled and tortured trying to look 20 again. I don't want to look that young, I just don't want this fricking turkey neck.

So on the age issues let's add weight, thyroid, back injury, chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia. Sounds like a lovely package, doesn't it?

I really hate this crap today. I hate that my daughter has to go through this as well. I hate watching her hate her body because I know she got that from me. I hate the fact that watching her set me off too. I hate the fact that I don't have my life back and I hate constantly hurting. I hate the weather report because more rain is coming. I am just so tired of feeling like crap. I am so tired of wondering what I'm going to do with my life. I am so tired of mourning for what I had and grieving for what I've become. I'm tired of feeling like death warmed over. 

I just want a day where I don't look at the things I need to do in my house and letting another day go by because I just don't have the energy to get it done. I would like to exercise and walk instead of feeling like I've got lead weights on my legs.  I'd like to get a hug that was a real one instead of the pretend ones I get because it hurts. I'd like to clean my house without having to stop and rest. I'd like to run the vacuum without hurting. I'd like to know that on the days when my attitude isn't in the toilet that it would actually mean something to my physical well being. I'd like to look in the mirror and not hate what I see.

My girlfriend has a saying.............

Golden years, my ass.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


The one silver lining that I can find in the cloud of Fibromyalgia is the people that I've gotten to know that are suffering right along with me. 

We've never met face to face but I can assure you that we've met heart to heart. We have different backgrounds but a shared common purpose. We have different challenges that we've faced before in our lives but we have the same challenges that we continue to face. We have different life experiences but we have the same desire to go back to the life we once knew.

We face chronic pain that has forced us to look inward and still we do not ask, "what have I done?" Now we ask, "what do we do now?" 

We are fortunate because we have a medical community that is coming around to this invisible disease but we still have a long way to go. We are still afraid to open up about the severity and duration of the symptoms that we have. We feel like we sound neurotic to our doctors, to our friends and family and even to ourselves. We wonder if sometimes we are crazy.

We stress about the money that flies out the window. Whatever else may be said, Fibromyalgia isn't cheap. It changes our ability to make any sort of living. It changes the way we look at ourselves. It messes with our head and damages our self worth and self esteem. 

We want so desperately to rejoin the land of the living. The minute we do Fibromyalgia is right there slapping us in the face. This disease loves to let you know that it's lying just below the surface and has the power to rise up and snatch away any happiness that you might have. It will have you shooting pains on a day where you just start to feel wonderful and begin to let your guard down. It tells you that it can give you severe pain and it will never let you forget that it has the power of your life in its icy grip.

We hesitate to open up to anyone and gingerly step one toe in the water. Only when we get acceptance do we venture forward. I think we've become so used to people thinking that this is all in our heads that we don't know who we can trust with the devastation that resides inside of us. We try to keep everything that is going on inside of our bodies deep within us because we don't want to turn away the people that love us the most and we fear that if this continues no one will want to be around us.

What we need to tell each other is that we are truly not alone. If we can help just one person with chronic pain and fatigue then we've accomplished something wonderful. Maybe that is the one blessing that we can count. Whatever else we have in our lives; no matter how challenging and painful, if we can hold out our hands to one other person then we can hold our heads high.

We really aren't alone.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


I got an email from Healthy Living and it was about fighting fatigue if you've got a chronic illness. It's kind of interesting to me in a funny sort of way. I'll comment on the points that were brought out in the article and leave the rest to you.

Point number 1: See your doctor.
I've met a number of people who have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia or as in my case, a combination of both. Most of them will say the same thing I do. Our doctors are on speed dial. I don't think seeing my doctor any more than I do will help anything; short of having him move in with me. I think they're actually sick of seeing me.

Point number 2:  Get enough sleep.
I hate to get pissy at this point in the post but one of the markers of a chronic illness like Fibromyalgia or Chronic Fatigue are sleep disturbances. Get enough sleep? Sometimes that's all we do! We sleep and sleep but it's not sleep that restores our bodies or our souls. We can take medication that would knock out a horse but sometimes that isn't even enough to keep us asleep. Most of us would give everything we had to get refreshing sleep; the sleep that allows our muscles and joints to heal. 

Point number 3: Aim for more refreshing sleep.
All I can say is WTF?  Go to bed earlier so I can wake up earlier. Don't watch TV in bed. Plan your evenings carefully. Who wrote this article? Are they on drugs???

Point number 4: Exercise for energy and to help you sleep.
It just keeps getting better and better.  At the bottom of this blog post I'm going to link to this article. You've just got to see the picture of this smiling, happy woman walking like she hasn't got a care in the world. There's not one look on her face that would give anyone a clue that she might have to crawl in the door because the pain is so overwhelming. Now I'm not saying that walking and gentle stretching doesn't help but that picture just really is annoying to me. The kicker of this point is that we shouldn't exercise late in the evening because it might interfere with sleep. Is anyone laughing yet?

Point number 5: Eat well to fight fatigue.
I hate to clue them in but I can eat like a champ and it has ABSOLUTELY no effect on the pain. Again, moderation in all things and as important as diet is you cannot make a blanket statement that this will always fight fatigue. Besides, when you carry the fatigue and pain that most of us do on a daily basis, I say Vive la Chocolat!

Point number 6: Step into the sunlight.
This is to bring to light (pardon the pun) the value of sunlight in setting our internal clocks. Again, I hate to be Debbie Downer but our body clocks are totally screwed up. Stepping out into sunlight isn't going to reset it. Sunlight can help us get valuable Vitamin D which we really need but I don't think it will help in the fatigue department.

Point number 7: Maintain a healthy weight.
I'd love to do this one. This has been the bane of my existence since I got sick. Between the autoimmune Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, the hypothyroidism and the inactivity that pain brings my calorie intake is down to almost nothing and I still don't lose weight. Except for the occasional chocolate binge my calorie intake is under 1200 a day. That isn't bad in anyone's book. I should be skinny. Hey, you tell me..............  Anyone else have trouble with this due to side effects of the Fibro and fatigue?

Point number 8: Manage Stress to fight fatigue.
I will totally agree with this one. Stress is a killer. The problem is these invisible illnesses is that there is fallout. There is a huge economic fallout that accompanies this illness. It's disabling and as hard as we try to keep some normalcy in life it hugely impacts your ability to make a living. Let me rephrase that. It hugely impacts your ability to make a living if your income is coming from a high stress environment. There's relationship fallout. Whether it be from spousal, partner, familial or friends, everything is affected when you don't want to be around anyone. People do not understand and they take it personally. Top it all off from the stress that most people think this is all in your head. Stress????? What do you think??

Point number 9: Try Aromatherapy.
Personally, I like this one but there are people out there that have sensitivities to any kind of odors or smells. For me, I love it.  It does help me and I love the Bath and Body Works instant aromatherapy rollers. I have two that I use. One is Instant Comfort and it's vanilla and chamomile. The other is called Sound Sleep and it's lavender and chamomile. I roll the comfort on my wrists and the lavender on my pillowcase. I don't know if it helps the ability to stay asleep  but it does smell good when my head hits the pillow.

Point number 10: Be good to yourself.
This is so true. We need to realize that there are certain things that we have to accept. Fatigue will be with us no matter what we do. We can manage it and management is so important but until they find a cure flares will always be with us. 

So I'll link to the article and see what you think. The exercise picture just really got to me.............