OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOT

You'd think I'd learn.

Nope.

I'm going to keep my mouth shut.

When I started feeling like I was strong and then started spouting off about it as well, I set myself up for the Fibromyalgia to make me eat my words. It kind of falls under the category of never say never.

I wasn't disappointed.

Just when I thought that I found a place that the pain couldn't touch, well, it found its way in. It took everything I could do to continue to walk. Not only did it take every bit of concentration and a discipline I didn't know I possessed to continue but I had to wrap my ankles and feet in ace bandages. Everything felt weak and I ended up stopping every five minutes to give myself a break. 

I didn't want to write anything either.

Have you ever had so much that you wanted to say but couldn't find the words? I kept reading some of the comments that I'd gotten from the prior post. Needless to say, I was so unbelievably touched by them. If there's anything that's powerful it has to be the support of the wonderful women that respond to the posts on this blog. Whenever one of us feels like giving up or loses the will to fight, these women are right by your side to extend their hand to pull you back up. When one of us has a triumph or accomplishment they are also there to applaud.

There's power in people and friendship.


So I'm back to looking for that special place where personal power supersedes the pain. I think I've got the discipline down but what I haven't figured out is the hiding. I've got quite a few emails that I've ignored. I just don't have it in me to explain. I feels like it's just too much to put on anyone else. I know that it's just me; I'm very sure others don't feel that way but in hiding I can reclaim my balance and when it's there I will be ready to face the world again.


Why is that?


There is still a small amount of hope as I write this. I need to get out but at least I'm still continuing to move. I'm hoping the weather will break and the fall weather will set in. I do pretty well in the fall and winter. I know that the cold weather really bothers some people with Fibromyalgia but I seem to thrive in it. It's the heat and humidity that does me in......make that heat and/or humidity. Any combination messes me up. Even when the weather is good I still wake up feeling like the Tin Man who hasn't gotten a shot from the oil can.


Creaky joints and aching muscles: such and attractive package, isn't it?


I just think it's so funny (well, not funny) that when I start feeling a little strong, I have to go and open my mouth and announce it. I should have waited and reevaluated myself after a few weeks. This way I wouldn't feel as stupid. It's like praying and asking God for patience. You just don't do that because you've set yourself up for a real doozy of a test.


So it's not as bad as it could be.


It's not as bad as it has been.


But it's still not what it should be.


I don't think I should start singing "Eye of the Tiger" just yet.

I CAN FEEL IT

It started out as a twinge.

I went to the gym today to walk a little bit. First, it gets me out of the house and, second, I do need the exercise. 

If you don't move it you lose it.

So, I'm at the gym and I feel the old familiar twinge in my hands and it started to really hurt when I walked around the track. Great. I know what's coming and it isn't good. 

But I kept going anyway.

I knew I'd regret it.

I'm beginning to feel that I'm being sucked into this huge vortex. I've started the pain medication and I'm not going to be stubborn about it. I'll then take the muscle relaxers before bed. I can tell right now it's going to be a doozy of a night. I know the medication will not help me sleep and I should check and see what movies will be on cable. I'm going to need a few of them.

I don't understand why the pain strikes my hands and feet first. After that the old familiar body aches start building. I ran into an old friend the other day who reminded me to accept the pain and then move on. I can't seem to be able to wrap my head around that concept. To me, acceptance means defeat and I don't give up that easily. Then again, he's never gotten up in the morning in severe pain.

Could the pain have something to do with the new supplements I'm taking? 

My daughter got me started on the powder supplement called "Alive." I mix it with banana and almond milk and make a smoothie out of it. I've never been much of a breakfast person but she told me it would help with my energy levels. I figure it can't hurt me so I'm in. Actually I drink it after my morning coffee and diet coke. I need all the help I can get so I start the morning out with a good hit of caffeine. Then, I drink the smoothie. I guess I'll never really know how much it helps because of the caffeine but it's worth a try. It's better than slugging down a handful of vitamins in the morning. I know the diet coke isn't the best breakfast but there are things that I can give up and then there are the things I can't.

Caffeine is one of them.

I don't care what form it's in but it better be there.

Then the fog rolls in.

The fog is an other worldly experience in itself. I find myself searching for the right word or trying to remember why I just walked into the room. I have an iPhone and I put everything in the calendar. When I say everything I mean everything! I put events, appointments and even dinner with my daughter. I put that I need to go to the store and what to buy. If I don't I won't remember anything.

The problem is that I don't remember to check the calendar.

I keep trying to find the person inside. I can go out but all I want to do is go home and get into bed. When it spikes I just want to hide from the world. I hate the fact that this limits me so much. I hate the way I look right now and I hate the way that I feel. I hate the pain and I hate the fatigue. I hate the body aches.

I guess I don't like much right now.

Wrong..........

Right about now I'm liking my bed very much.

JUST CAN'T DIG DOWN DEEP ENOUGH

Getting out of bed sucks.

But not for the reason you think.

I just can't seem to get it together. I have more pain than usual which is really saying something. I've tried adding ginger to my growing list of supplements because it is supposed to help with pain. So far, nothing has helped.

I'm getting frustrated.

What hurts the most is walking. I do try to power through it but it's tough to do. It truly does feel like I'm walking on broken glass. I don't know if it's a tendon problem or just a run-of-the-mill Fibromyalgia problem. I can't tell. Every five minutes it seems to be something else so pin-pointing the cause of these symptoms is a tough one.

I'm really trying to walk anyway but I have to add layers of insoles and gel to my tennis shoes and even then I have to wrap my heel with an ace bandage. That can't be normal, can it? Does anyone else have this kind of problem with their feet? Also, the humidity is rising so just add a lot of whole body pain to the pain in my feet. 

Geez, just add the tiara right now. 

How in the hell are you supposed to exercise when your body is crying out? I'm not a slacker. I'm still going to the gym and walking but I have to take pain medication to do even that. I come home and I'm wiped out. My feet hurt, my hands hurt, my body hurts. Everything hurts. Should I be walking on a foot that really hurts? Now that I've started to exercise I hate to stop, even for a day. What is the difference between tenacity and stupidity? Why can't I recognize the difference or have I already crossed the line from one to the other? 

If it sounds like I'm whining; I am.

I really wanted a positive post.

But I just can't dig down deep enough to find anything positive today.

Crap.