OK....SO WHAT DOES HELP...AND OTHER NONSENSE

So, if all that doesn't help...

What does help?
A wave of the magic wand.

I went through all the things that are supposed to help but don't; so, I guess I should write about things that might help

Maybe.

Kinda.

Sorta.

Point number 1: Don't call your doctor.

Most doctors will just tell you it's all in your head anyway. If your doctor doesn't believe in Fibromyalgia, it will just make it worse. (if you're in need of medical help ALWAYS call your doctor! Sarcasm, sarcasm, sarcasm.)

Point number 2: Get in bed.

Notice I didn't say get some sleep. We can try all we want but usually deep sleep doesn't come easy, however, sometimes getting in bed can feel heavenly. 

Point number 3: Don't feel guilty if you take medication.
Social Media is tough. Sometimes we are made to feel that if we take opiates we are some kind of addict or that we should be able to tough it out. Everyone has that point and it can be needed to function. If you take medication; please, don't feel guilty. If you don't need to take medication please be kind to those that do.

Point number 4: Get in the water.
Notice I didn't say shower. A wonderful lady I know pointed out an article that discusses this very subject. I always dreaded the shower on those icky days. The water would HURT. Evidently, this isn't unusual. Feeling weightless in a pool, hot tub or even the bathtub can do wonders. Plus, Dr. Frank Rice is doing research on AV shunts in our hands. People with Fibromyalgia tend to have many more of them. These also regulate internal body temperature (maybe why we are so intolerant to temperature extremes). They are influenced by estrogen which could be why more women get Fibromyalgia. 

Point number 5: Try to stay positive.
This is a tough one for me. I'm definitely NOT Little Mary Sunshine. One of my favorite sayings in the world is, "when you see the light at the end of the tunnel.....it's probably the train coming at you full speed." Hey, what do I know? Do as I say...not as I do???  I admit it. I'm the glass is half empty sort of person.

Now, if I'm REALLY being honest?

What helps when it gets real bad?

Take a bath....

Take my muscle relaxers and pain medication.

Hope they take the edge off.

Kinda.
Maybe.
Sorta.

Shuffle off to the bedroom.

Get in bed.

Turn on the TV.

Pray I go to sleep.

Pray tomorrow will be better.

.

RAINY DAYS AND MONDAYS ALWAYS GET ME DOWN

I just can't seem to catch a break.

It's raining again.

Ow.

I feel like my whole life is on hold again. I just don't want to do anything when the pain level is going past voodoo. On a scale from one to ten, I just blew past 11. For some reason the last few days have been REAL BAD. I'll bet they can hear the howl on the other side of the valley.

I had to run out to Williams Sonoma (yeah, tough errand) and I got some cooking clay for chicken. My daughter and I have fond memories of this clay pot that I'd make dinner in and now she can play with clay herself. I didn't want to go out at all. I dropped it off at her house, smiling like I didn't have a care in the world, and came home and got into bed.

And I didn't leave it.

I'm feeling fragmented and raw again. There's something about pain that puts me right back into feeling "not good enough." I tried walking on the treadmill but after stopping every two to three minutes, I just gave up. The problem is that I set a goal for myself. I'm typical Type A squared and it feels like I'm falling short of the high standards that I set for myself. I'm so self-critical and I'm tired of having impossibly high standards that I fail to reach.

Why am I doing this to myself again?

I'm starting to go into think mode and that's a dangerous place for me to be. I analyze, over analyze, over analyze it again, beat it into the ground, bury it, resurrect it and then start the process all over again. 

See?

I even drive myself crazy.

What is it about pain that starts the regression? Is it the pain or the realization that it will always be with me? Last night about 3 o'clock I was awake and praying that I could find a baseball bat to take to my legs and praying that the roller coaster would stop and I could get off. I can't describe this sensation except that it's like a spring tightening until it almost breaks and then it lets go. The trouble is that it keeps doing that over and over again. That doesn't even count what my hands are doing. 

I've used the essential oils, been in the jetted tub, I've rubbed Topricin on my legs, I've taken the pain medication and muscle relaxers.........zip, nada, zilch.

I think I'm just tired.

And there are pretty puffy clouds forecast for the next few days.

I keep looking around for the license number of that truck that hit me again.

Ow......

Ow..........

Ow........

I'M READY FOR MONDAY

I have a deposition on Monday.

Need I say more?

I'm surrounded by the twins. Pain and fatigue.  This latest storm isn't real good for my body. I've been in a lot of pain and the muscle spasms have been a real joy to live with. Usually it helps to spend a lot of time in the bath. 

The good thing is that I've read a lot of books. 

The bad thing is I'm a prune.

The ugly thing is that it hasn't helped.

Usually the swirling water helps my muscles. I get quiet and down to relaxation level but this time has been different. I just can't seem to get relaxed. Maybe it's because I've got a deposition on Monday. I'm not worried but I am stressed. I just know I'm going to be asked how this accident has affected my life. 

I don't think there is enough time to tell that story.

My dog "H" is on the bed beside me. Fortunately, he's a slug like me. I just want to do something besides focusing on pain. I want to walk outdoors and enjoy the rain and cool weather. I actually tried that this morning but crawling around the neighborhood looks suspicious. Plus, I don't like the idea of concrete burns on my knees. So, I came back inside the house. H wasn't happy because he was looking forward to being out in the front yard and networking with his puppy buddies down the street but he decided to stretch out and sleep the rest of the day.  

I'm tired of watching television and reading books. I want to interact with people again. I miss working and I miss sales. There is a high that goes with the territory and I miss it. Plus, I miss making a living. Sitting around and collecting Social Security isn't my idea of having a good time. I've been angry about this for so long. Now I get to be deposed and the question of how this affects my life has been nagging at me all day.

It's affected me physically. 

I'm in pain on a daily basis. Granted, some days are a little better than others but there isn't a day that goes by where pain doesn't accompany me. I look at my life before the accident and I had a lot of fun. Did my back hurt? Yep. Did I still wear 4 inch heels? Yeperoo.  That was then and this is now.

It affected me emotionally.

It's a different mindset that you have when you're working. Your days off and vacation days are precious. You use them to unwind and regroup and often wish you could just stop the rat race and make it permanent. Then when the unthinkable happens you realize that it isn't a good thing at all. I need to keep my mind active and I want nothing more to be in a sales office again. Then I realize what it entails and I know I can't do it. You have to re-invent yourself and that sucks. Big time.

It's affected me financially.

A friend of mine once said to me. "It's not how much money you have, it's how quickly you can replace it." Truer words were never spoken. Savings are a good thing but it only takes one illness or one accident to wipe it out. Money doesn't buy happiness but it sure makes your life a lot more convenient. Of the two ways to live one is a lot more fun.

So on Monday I get to be deposed and express myself, hopefully, without hostility. I am angry about this accident and I have to let that go. Well, at least in front of the other attorney.  I'm using the next couple of days to unwind and regroup. Post traumatic Fibromyalgia can be argued so it's back to the pain.

I can do this.

I know I can.

I'm just going to hope the bruises aren't too big from my attorney kicking me under the table when I get out of line.

THE WOMAN IN THE MIRROR

Mirror, Mirror on the wall.

Who's the fairest of them all?

I look in the mirror and wonder, "who's that starring back? "  It's not the fact that I have a few lines around my eyes. I've never minded those, I figured that I've earned them. I'm also not the type to get Botox. I don't mind the lines on my forehead either.  Actually, I don't have wrinkles. I can chalk that up to genes and Retin-A. I've used Retin-A since I was in my 20's and since I don't have wrinkles, it must work.

It's not cosmetic that keeps me looking in the mirror. It's the look in my eyes that shouts, "this woman is in a lot of pain." It's the eyes that don't crinkle at the ends when you're happy. It's the smile that doesn't quite reach your eyes. It's called personality lipo because Fibromyalgia sucks all the personality out of you. You go through life on personality flat line and it really sucks. BORING!

It's a look that I don't like.

I know there are times that I could earn an Academy award for the portrayal of a woman who is on top of the world and free of pain. Only people that know me very, very well can read the pain behind my eyes. Maybe that's part of it. I don't like feeling weak and knowing that my loved ones can see how much pain I'm in, well, it makes me feel vulnerable and out of control.

It seems that it's been a very long time since I've been out of pain. I can't really remember what it's like to take a deep breath and feel the freedom of life without pain. I mean, I can remember the last day. It was in January of 2008. 

The infamous car accident.

I am still living in the aftermath. 

I haven't been to the gym to walk this week. The pain has been spiking and the pain medication isn't taking the edge off so I decided to take it easy this week. I know I need the exercise but to chug a couple of pain pills sounds like it would kind of be counter-productive.  I don't know what it's going to take for the pain to take a vacation. It seems like I haven't caught a break in that area in quite a while. 

Just as an aside, I'm watching TV and the Lyrica commercial is on. You know, I REALLY hate that commercial. I just wish they'd get someone who really had Fibromyalgia for that commercial.  Anyway....................

I thought these symptoms would be fluctuating not taking up residence on a continual basis. The only thing that is on ebb and flow is the anger. Obviously, today is an anger day. Because some clown can't drive without looking down at a cell phone and then crashes into my car, I have to have my whole existence turned upside down. I know, I know..........it could be worse. I understand that but right now the fact that I'm paying for his negligence irritates the crap out of me. 

Forget it, I'm going to the bath and turn on a movie. 

A couple of hours of swirling water should take the edge off.

Maybe.

Am I being a hope freak?

MOODS AND MODES

Chained.

Again.

Blue Rose.

Apropos.

I thought I'd be starting off the New Year in a better frame of mind and less pain. See, that's what happens when I think too much.


I don't know if it's the cold weather or the humidity but I'm just feeling like crapola. I'm either in bed or the bathtub. Now, I love my bath bombs but I'm going through them like there's no tomorrow. The only cool thing is that I found my portable DVD player that I got as a Christmas gift from KB Home years ago and now I can watch movies while I'm in the tub. Just add a diet coke (I know..I know....caffeine is bad) and I'm in heaven.


So what to do? Right now I'm in bitchy mode. I hate the fact that I have to take pain medication to function without pain getting the better of me. The kicker is that they only take the edge off the pain. I am really afraid to take enough to be completely out of pain. I honestly don't know how much it would take to do that. The way I feel, it would probably be enough to make me a zombie. I've upped the magnesium and calcium. Still taking the Vitamin D and B vitamins. I like the liquid because I think it gets into my system faster. Does it help?  Who knows..........


I'm taking so many supplements that food sounds icky too. Now, you would think I'd be real happy about that. Well, I would be happy about it if it would result in weight loss but zippo on that fact too. That's the other thing. I can't lose one fricking pound! I have a real bad attitude toward food. If I eat, I gain weight. Even if I eat 1200 calories a day and walk at the gym; I don't lose weight.


See? I told you I was in bitch mode.


So..........


Let's try and make something positive out of this post. 


What did I learn from 2010? 


I learned how to look backward in time with objectivity. I cannot change the past but I can examine it, learn why and how and, hopefully, learn how to let  go and move forward. I'm learning that the phrase, "that doesn't work for me," can help me say no gracefully and without guilt. I learned that it's very difficult for me to receive help from other people. I don't know how to receive  without feeling weak and helpless. Those emotions are very difficult for me to deal with. I've always been in control and this illness makes me feel so very out of control. 


I've learned that one simple act isn't actually simple. The domino effect from a simple car accident has caused my life to spiral out of control. I'm still dealing with the emotions of anger because of that. Because one person didn't look where they were going I've lost a great deal and I don't know when the bleeder from all of this will be tied off. I keep telling myself that it could have been worse, and I know it could have been physically worse, but for me it's cut me off at those proverbial knees. I did partially define myself by my career and I still struggle with the loss but I'm not sure how to re-define myself and I struggle with that too.


I've learned so much about chronic pain and illness. I've made so many friends through this process and I don't feel so cut off and isolated. The problem is that I still hate the telephone. It's difficult to hold and it's difficult for me to talk. Let me rephrase. It's not difficult to talk, it's difficult to answer. It's difficult to answer questions about how I feel or how I'm doing. It's that feeling of being out of control and feeling vulnerable. I know that's my weak point and I know those emotions aren't real comfortable for me.


So for 2011 I know that I need to work on releasing my anger about the accident and working on my control issues. I know that I'll be spending a lot of time in bed with the pain and I know that my daughter better by stock in Basin White so I can keep up my stock of bath bombs. 


I actually do some of my best thinking in the tub.


If that's the case I may never get out of the bath.


Prune city hear I come.

I'D LOVE TO DUCT TAPE PEOPLES MOUTHS

I didn't ask for an opinion.

I didn't even bring up the subject.

Besides, my idea of a group decision

Is looking in a mirror.

Duct tape is a wonderful invention. I'd like to have pieces of it in a pop up dispenser for use every time I get a call like I got this afternoon. I should have known better. I really should have known better. It always happens when I go against my better judgement. I saw the number come up and it looked familiar. What harm could there be in answering the phone?  

I get so frustrated by her Ms. Fix-it personality. This woman should change in phone booths and come out with Supergirl on her chest. If I am Type A squared, I would categorize her as Type A-Pi. I sold her a home in one of my communities years ago and she stayed in touch. It was a moment of madness that I gave her my cell number and have regretted it ever since. Every so often she calls me and my eyes will glaze over by the time the one-sided conversation is over. Most of the time I can't tell you what was said in the conversation because I'll just interject an uh-huh every so often.  It was enough to drive me crazy years ago and now it makes me want to run for a voodoo doll and start pulling appendages out and sticking pins everywhere. She means well but it still makes me nuts. Initially, I felt sorry for her because I thought she needed someone to talk to but then I realized she wanted to preach. 

Nothing much has changed over the years. As usual I didn't say much in this conversation.  She said, "how are you?"  I told her that it wasn't a real good day today and asked if I could call her back. She wasn't about to let the conversation end there and she immediately went into this lecture about nutrition, red meat and if I ate correctly I wouldn't have any of the problems that I have. 

It does no good to argue with her. She doesn't take a breath long enough to get a word in edgewise anyway. What I did is program her name and number in my phone because I won't answer a call from her again. I really hope she never gets ill. Only then will she find out her diet won't save her. I know that proper nutrition does help our bodies but it doesn't cure chronic pain or chronic illness.

It was a disturbing call. I felt all this seething anger at her insensitivity and stupidity. Then I was angry at myself for not calling her on it but I just didn't have the energy to go there. Besides,when people are convinced that they have nothing to learn it's impossible to teach them anyway. Just one more brick in the wall. I did have fun imagining her face on a voodoo doll. I just needed to shake it off. 

I now understand the frustration you feel when people decide to inform you how to fix this disease. Between the vitamins, diets, drugs and what they'll do to my liver it is a never ending bashing. Oh, by the way, the drugs and what they do to me? Ask me if I care when my whole body is crying in pain and my muscles are spasming and cramping. Do you really think I'd want to go cold turkey and visualize my way out of my misery? Not on a bet.

So how did I spend my evening? I popped a muscle relaxer and shuffled my way into my bathroom and thanked the god of water heaters for that glorious invention.  So I filled my tub and relaxed.

In a glorious hot bath.

I guess you could say that I'm back in hot water.

I'M IN HOT WATER............NOT!!!!!!

If I have to make a bet 

between me and the world,

right now,

I'll bet on the world.

I don't live life in the fast lane anymore. To be perfectly honest, I don't even live life in the slow lane anymore. Since the onset of the pain of Fibromyalgia the pleasures I used to enjoy have dwindled to just a few.

A hot bath in a jetted tub is one of them.

I find that when I get in the tub of swirling water at night it helps me relax. I take a muscle relaxer and take a good book, my diet coke and I light some aromatherapy candles and try to keep my muscles from going into painful spasms. It's one of those simple pleasures that, for just a few moments when I close my eyes, put me on a beautiful, verdant tropical island far away from the barren wasteland of Fibromyalgia. 

I love that part of the evening. There is one slight problem with a jetted tub and I cannot stress what I am about to tell you enough. Never, and let me say it once again, never put even a little bit of bubble bath in a jetted tub. Then after you've been dumb enough to do that, never lay back and close your eyes and surrender yourself to blissful meditation.  First of all, amazing grace bubble bath in your nostrils is vile. Second of all, it makes a TON of bubbles. It takes forever to get rid of the bubbles.

Anyway.......I digress.

I really looked forward to tonight. I really needed that bath tonight. My muscles are cramping and my hands are really hurting today. 

There will be no bath tonight.

My hot water heater is kaput.

The plumber came out and thank goodness I have a home warranty. As it is they don't cover all of it but it covers most of it. However, they can't do it until tomorrow. Now I get to stress about how much this is going to cost and I need more stress like a hole in my head. 

So, no bubbles. No tropical island. No hot water. No relief. No relaxing. Just stress.

Well, I'll turn on Hell's Kitchen and watch Gordon Ramsay yell at the chefs. That will make me smile! Then America's Got Talent all the while wishing I was in a nice warm bath.

I just had a brilliant idea. I would LOVE a flat screen TV embedded in the wall (with cable) so I could be in the bath and watch TV. 

I'd never get out of the water.

I look good as a prune.