Wednesday, September 30, 2009


I'm watching Jaws.

Life was a whole lot simpler in 1975.

We were watching the movie and commenting in 1975 we didn't have cell phone mania. Technology was lacking and we actually didn't sit in front of the TV constantly. We were on the move. If we wanted to see a movie we went to the theatre. The 400 DVDs I currently have in my collection wasn't even a thought or a remote possibility. If I had been told that I'd have that many movies sitting in my home at one time I'd have thought I was crazy. Either that or living in excess.

I remember that I couldn't wait to see this movie. My cousin Phillip did the set decoration and that was the talk of the family. He was SO cool. I remember seeing him when I was in school and I always loved him. He had the greatest stories. It was rumored that he was gay. In the 70's that wasn't a subject that anyone spoke about. Well, not in my family anyway. Phillip was just "that way." He got the academy award for his set direction for Close Encounters of the Third Kind. We were so proud of him. He loved his work but was very secretive about his life. The pressure he must have lived under trying to contain his sexuality from his family. Very sad.

Life was simpler back then. No one was immediately accessible. I rather like that. It's disconcerting to be standing in a doctors office and hearing the trials and tribulations of another's life. I think we all get to hear more than we need to or, for that matter, want to. We walk in stores and people are on their cells. Anywhere we go people are speaking about their lives in public. Is there really a need or is there anything that is so immediate that we need to discuss it while grocery shopping? Bluetooth has us all looking like we're walking around talking to ourselves.

I'm just as guilty as anyone but there are times when a glimpse of the past rolls around that we think about the quality of life. What was better? Then or now? Progress has been wonderful but sometimes I like the thought of living in a time when the cell phone wasn't joined at my hip.

For now I'll watch the movie and smile that they were panic stricken because Quint beat the crap out of their only method of communication. It would have been simpler if he could have gotten on his cell and called the coast guard.

But then it wouldn't have been much of movie would it?

Monday, September 28, 2009


He was obsessed with the perfect relationship.

He needed adoration.

He is a skilled and accomplished chameleon.

I don't know why I still need answers. There aren't any. The fights were always my fault so that he could cover his guilt. He has this obsession with fantasy so one woman will never be enough. We are imperfect people and so there will come a day when reality begins to seep into the relationship and that will be enough for the secrecy to begin.

I'll bet I can write the script.

He'll stay on the phone until he hears the buying signs. He'll wait for your concern. He'll hear when he's hooked you because he's trained for that. The phone is his greatest asset. If he tells you he used to write the scripts for telephone sales, believe it and listen. He is telling you how he's going to hook you. He'll use cute phrases like, "I'm going to the couch now," or "you've been with the rest and now you're with the best." He'll call you sweetheart and act like the concerned gentleman. He'll encourage sassy repartee and then call you a smart ass.

When you open up and tell him how you feel or how much you enjoy talking to him he'll respond with "ditto."  One little powerful word isn't it?

Make no mistake; he's looking for a stooge wrapped up in a smart woman's body.

His insatiable appetite; first for your body then for your soul.

Just remember. When you start getting real he'll start getting bored. He needs the constant buzz to validate his masculinity.

He needs the emotional high that every conquest brings. Whatever it takes to close the deal he will do. He doesn't have any restraints or boundaries concerning his relentless pursuits of the buzz. He will forever cheat on his spouse or girlfriend (or both as the case may be) justifying his actions because they didn't keep him entertained. He has no regard or care of the damage he causes in his quest for gratification.

He loves a challenge and will tell you that he brings the thrill to the party. Oh, by the way, he loves that phrase too. He'll tell you he brings a lot to the party.

Oh yeah.

Get the party hats out now.

He'll tell you that you have a beautiful smile and he'll tell you sweet dreams. He will tell you he doesn't trust very easily but that he trusts you and that you can trust him without question. He'll call you his cutie petutie. He'll tell you that he's been thinking about you. 

He will ply you with words until you're jelly.

He will convince you that the previous women in his life mistreated him and took him for granted. With those words he'll have you eating out of his hand. He'll tell you that you'll never know what he'll do next. He'll dedicate songs to you (probably something with Michael Jackson or Maureen McGovern) and you'll think he's the most romantic man in the world.

When you finally open up and tell him how you feel he will tell you that those are the most beautiful words that anyone has ever said to him. Very gradually you'll see sexual innuendo creep into the conversation and then it will get stronger. He'll tell you, "you have no idea of what I want to do to you." That will be the whipped cream (and yes, that will be mentioned as well) on top. You will be too besotted with the image that he's built for you that you don't see the real man. 

Oh, you will see glimpses of it but you won't believe it.

You'll open your heart and spill the triumphs and sorrows that this life gives all of us. You'll share your heartaches and your hurts. If he slips up he'll modify his approach so that you'll buy into the image even more and he can congratulate himself on how good he is at the game. It's called getting you to ask how many are in the box. It's an old boiler room game and it's structuring the conversation so you'll ask and then buy.

He is so charming. You'll constantly second guess yourself thinking that you must be crazy when the numbers don't start to add up. Even when you confront him he'll deny, deny, deny. I'll give him this.....he's good at it.

Just remember this:

He'll ALWAYS have a Plan B.

Thursday, September 24, 2009


Well, I got my blood test results. The very little but important gland is acting up again and it seems intent on playing havoc with my system. It has sucked the life and personality out of me. For a long time I didn't know who I was. Now, even that is gone. I'm passing through this life on flat line. BORING.

I love it when the "normal" range is somewhere between 2-34. That's a pretty good range and most people will fall somewhere in between those two numbers. I guess because I've never been "normal" my numbers wouldn't be either.

Try 1000.

Now I'm not a doctor but when the high side of normal is 34 and you are at 1000 it's a pretty safe bet that something not good is afoot.

My emotions have been all over the place and I'm not bipolar. I would guess it's my thyroid and my bodies rejection of it.

Something has to be done because even though I'm making light of it, having your thyroid gland that far out of whack and then your body attacking it at the same time ISN'T GOOD. I've always been a fan of natural and bio-identical medications along with conventional medicine but this time I'm going conventional all the way.

I've tried the bio-identical and paid through the nose for it, however, it's done nothing. In fact, I think I'm getting worse. Well, I don't think; I know. I'm 400 points worse than I was in June. What's in these pills? Since I don't know I'm going to take it to my internist and have them prescribe something I can track. I'm all for natural but when it comes to something that regulates so many important functions in your body, I'm going to the tried and true.

I get tired of feeling like crap but I've dealt with that. I can deal with what I know but I can't deal with what I don't know.

I've felt different and that frightens me.

So it's off to another set of doctors. I'm not searching for what I want to hear. I don't care about that. I want someone to tell me what the hell is going on and be competent. That's all I ask

Is that too much to ask?

Monday, September 21, 2009


I haven't been up to writing. It isn't that I don't want to it's just that I want to take this in another direction and I'm not quite sure which direction to go.

Well, east is always nice.

Anyway, I still haven't started this bio identical thyroid medication and I'm not sure I'm going to. I did not do well on it and I wonder if my feelings were due to toxicity. I think it was too much for me and, to be honest, I'm a little sick of this bio identical stuff. I don't know what's in it and I don't know how this medication was compounded and under what conditions. I don't know what's in it and that is a concern for me also.

I didn't feel weird (other than the normal weird) before these medications and I really think I'm going back to the conventional arena and accentuate it with the holistic. I need the comfort of conventional medications and diagnosis. So, I will be taking all the reports and blood work to my doctor and let her make the determination.

Well, it's dream time. I'm going to lay my head on the pillow and pray that the alpha wave intrusion doesn't rear it's ugly head tonight.

So for now........

sweet dreams.

Friday, September 11, 2009


OK, I start the thyroid medication. I was started out slow and gradually worked up to a stronger dose. When I got to the third level I started feeling weird. I got shortness of breath and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I got back to the doctor and now I'm not to take the medication. I will be going back to the lower dosage and let's see how that works. I want this to start to get better.

She was insistent that my stress level be managed. She reiterated that I am sick. She kept trying to get through to me that the Fibromyalgia coupled with chronic fatigue and topped off with the thyroid makes for a very sick woman.

I tend to be in denial. I do not want to believe that I'm this sick little woman. I hate that label. I don't want to be sick and I don't want to believe that my life has limitations. Unfortunately she made it abundantly clear that I was to rest. I was to eliminate things and people that bring stress to my life. She gave me a wonderful prediction. If I don't do what she says she'll give me a few months before I really crash out. Great.

I haven't told many people about the Fibro. It's back to the "you don't look sick" syndrome. We don't want people to use this when we feel so terrible but then we use it on ourselves. I just don't know what to do about it all.

I'll do what she says and try to rest. I'll leave my body image alone. I'll leave my old life behind and try not to miss it too much. I'll keep saying over and over that I need to shrug it off. I won't sweat the small stuff.

I have to many large stuffs to manage to worry about anything else. It will all work itself out in time.

Time. Time Time,
Look what's become of me................

Great song.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009


What is this trip down memory lane? I must have some unresolved issues in this arena. Gee,  ya think??

What are these people the base their relationships on deflections and half truths and downright lies? It takes so much to conduct your life this way. It's almost like you need notes. To put together a plausible story and then build more stories and more lies on top of the original story really takes a lot of effort. On one front, I guess I have to admire it. You really have to be pretty good to concoct this mess. On the other front, it's just plain wrong, insulting, hurtful and cruel. They really must want to feel better about themselves. It must be that the signature line, "I don't feel real good about myself," is true.

I used to always have two dogs. One dog was my primary dog and the other (usually a younger dog) was the emergency back up dog. See the correlation here??

He's an empty shell of a man that has a void that no amount of affairs can fill. There's so much damage and emotional debris from hurting the people that love them. Instead we are the problem. We are the reason that it started in the first place. There's a need for control. I remember one of the first lines was "you want to control the relationship and I won't let you." I thought it was going to be a battle of egos but he was deadly serious. I think I was the challenge and he wanted to see how fast he could make me hand over the control. Maybe that's why it lasted so long; he could never get control.

The bottom line is that there were red flags from the beginning. I'm not talking about a tiny flag, I'm talking banners. I used to get so mad at myself. Why in the hell did I put up with this? This is definitely NOT who I am. What happened to the woman who said, "you're standing in my sun?" Where did that attitude get buried?

You keep thinking that things may change, but your body knows things that your head and heart haven't quite accepted. You think all of this is a slow death but it isn't. Death happens in an instant. It's the burial that takes a very long time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if it was never a relationship that started in the right way it was never good. You can fix what is broken but you can't fix what was never supposed to work in the first place.

No one on this earth will have your wish list of qualities. There is personality and then there is character. It's easy to confuse the two. You know that life isn't a fairy tale but it isn't too much to expect certain characteristics. I think I've got it kind of figured out. If there's one major flag, you can wait, be cautious and see what develops. If there are two or three red flags, take your little-miss-fix-it personality and run like hell because more flags will come to light. You will end up standing there wondering what went wrong. A red flag at the beach is a warning to stay out of the water. It's a warning to be very cautious because real danger is present. In relationships the red flags are deal breakers; the characteristics and character flaws that will make your life miserable. You will live through the relationship in emotional pain and agony. You wouldn't jump off a bridge would you? Take care of your heart with the same vigilance as you do your life.

With this kind of relationship it doesn't matter how nice you are or how fit your body or how beautiful your face; you are going to drown. Take it from me. I've been through the wipe out. I've been hit by the wave and thrown down to the ocean floor. I got beaten and bruised by the sand and the rock. Wave after wave hit me until I decided to get out of the water.

Next time I'll listen to the warnings.

Sunday, September 6, 2009


Did anyone get the license plate on that truck that hit me?

When I got up it said 52% humidity. Do I need to say anything else?

I'm not sure what it is right now but I'd bet it's up there.
I just checked.
Now it's 42%.
Great. Just great.

I love the rain and the moisture in the air. I just don't like what it does to my body. I've got enough issues with the concept of body image so let's just add one more item to the list.

I can't even type tonight so I'm going to try to relax enough to sleep.

Sleep perchance to dream?

I've heard that before.

I just don't do it that often.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009



If I thought the first Third Thursday with the cooking queens was exceptional, I was in for a real treat this time.

First of all, I was a little late. STUPID ME.

I was greated by a lovely site of women forming little balls of this creamy, cakey looking substance and placing them on cookie sheets. I took a look around the kitchen and one was crushing a ton of oreos like there was no tomorrow. Geez, I love the smell of chocolate in the morning! Oops, it was the evening.

Then, I got a lovely chocolate martini. It was magnificient. Full of white chocolate liqueur, creme de cocoa and vodka. It was unbelievable.

I figured I should investigate the pots of white chocolate and milk chocolate on the stove. One smell..........oh yum............. The site of creamy, smooth and fragrant white chocolate is enough to put me within 2 inches of pure nirvana.

What were we making???

It turns out that these lovely oreo balls and cherry chip cake balls were mixed with cream cheese and cherry icing and then dipped into the chocolate.

Set aside on a tray, let the chocolate harden and then pop these little babies in your mouth. Let me tell you. If you eat one you eat 10. My favorites were the little oreo ones dipped in white chocolate.

It was a fun time with wonderful women. We discussed movies (tear jerkers that make us cry and My life with Michael Keaton) current events, coffee machines, Winnie the Pooh, Facebook and had a great time. We're all very different but blend together like that perfect cup of coffee with just enough cream and sugar.

This Third Thursday is a great concept!

I don't know the calorie count.

I don't want to know the calorie count.

I want more.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


I just didn't know how bad.

At least when material possessions are taken you know that you've been robbed. You take the appropriate steps, call the police and then call your insurance company. You'll probably leave the light on at night because it's scary. You feel violated. You feel angry. You know you've been robbed.

The problem in this kind of relationship is that you don't know you've been robbed until you're totally emotionally depleted. Sometimes you don't even realize it then. They have stolen pieces of your emotional makeup and well being a little at a time. You don't even know how they did it let alone when.

Slowly you begin to wake up. A domino trips and the fog begins to clear. The only problem is that you continue to second guess yourself and keep looking back over your shoulder. You must be wrong. How can this be? A loving person is buried in there; you know it. You've seen glimpses of it. Maybe I wasn't mindful enough of his needs. I just need to think about myself less and work on the relationship more. You tell yourself this over and over and pray that you're right. Didn't he tell you that you were the only one that really knew him? Didn't he tell you that he knew you like the back of his hand? Part of it was true. I did know the part he let me see. I didn't like the part that came later.

You know deep inside you're not happy. I think it's the challenge or an inability to accept failure that keeps us going in this relationship. Why do you even begin to accept this kind of behavior? What makes you go back to them? I think that it's because it's not physical abuse. If you just hang in there long enough you'll get your Prince Charming. You pass by men that really love you and integrity is above reproach for this?

Was it me? Did the chronic fatigue make me uninteresting and too absorbed in my health? I had a devastating relapse and all I wanted to do was sleep. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. What's amazing is that I believed that. Why couldn't I hear my own thoughts and how ridiculous they sounded. I didn't want anyone around who could have pounded some sense into that thick skull of mine.

For the longest time I blamed myself. I no longer do that but recovery from a narcissist isn't easy. Nothing worthwhile is easy. You find out that you have a right to be whole.

Just put it back together one piece at a time. I needed to think about myself before I got involved in this mess. When was I whole and what was I like back then? I know one thing, I smiled with my heart.

I felt so responsible for so long and I don't feel responsible any more.