Saturday, July 31, 2010


I always believed that I could do anything.
I always believed that I could be anything.
I just never believed my life would be
what it is now.

Where is the little girI, the teen and the woman who would use her imagination and dreams? I  remember little things. I think it started years and years ago when I'd walk in the room and my father would sing, "here she is, Miss America!"  I always believed in myself and my abilities. If I wanted something bad enough, I'd get it and I was not afraid of the work involved. I was self confident and unafraid. 

I don't know what happened to her. 
Little by little imagination and dreams drift away. 

I look at pictures of myself over the last 10 years. There was a lot of smiles and happiness. Then all of a sudden, the pictures start changing a couple of years ago. The progression of pain is evident and if I can see it in photographs what do people see face to face? 

It's very difficult to find your dreams in the midst of physical pain. When your central nervous system is on hyper-drive it's hard to think of anything else. I've often wondered how to make the best of this Fibro situation. I've tried to think of some way to occupy my time as well as my mind. 

It's hard to go from Type A squared to a Type B. I've always admired people that wouldn't know stress if it jumped up and bit them. They could go with the flow and nothing seemed to get to them. I thought it would be kind of cool to adjust my thinking and lifestyle and incorporate that philosophy into my daily life. I know it would be better for me in the long run. On the other hand,  these were the people that drove, walked and talked too slow. Just thinking about it makes me want to gnash my teeth. They took out their checkbook and started writing it after everything had been rung up at the store. I mean, don't you know that you'll have to pay for it? Why start at the last minute? Everything is at a much slower pace. 

And that isn't me.
See what I mean?
Did I really say I thought it would be cool?

If I can't go back to high pressure situations, what can I do so I don't feel like a lump of doo-doo? In my mind it was either all or nothing and I chose all.  My motto was work hard, play hard and rest hard. If anything was worth doing it was worth doing 150%.  I hate sitting around and I'm running out of things to do. Not going 200 miles per hour on a daily basis makes me feel useless.

The days turn into weeks, turn into months then turn into years. I need to find something that brings my brain back. I need to imagine and dream again. I get sick of hearing myself say this over and over again but when I try to start the process the harsh realities come flooding in and dreams go out the window. 

I want my life back. I know it will be different than before and I'm starting to get that and adjust. I don't like it but I'm starting to get it. I just get so tired of looking at my four walls. I need to get out and start using my camera. I just need to get out of my house. How do you do this when your body hurts? I'm willing to move through pain; but, as I write this, I think it's the joy that I miss most of all. Anyone can move around through pain but where is the absolute joy of each day? I can't seem to get past the pain and into the joy. I can't seem to reach a point of acceptance so I can move on. 

Can someone give me any ideas?

I'm open to suggestions.

Friday, July 30, 2010


The humidity is still high.
The pain is still strong.
The bowls were calling.
My car had other plans.

I haven't felt good enough to do much of anything. I also haven't felt like seeing anyone either but one of my dear friends called and we made plans to head to a singing bowls class. These bowls emit sounds that are used for healing, relaxation and mental energy. 

I needed this class.
I needed the fellowship.

It was a bad night last night and I didn't get to sleep until 5. I guess all the muscle relaxers and pain medication hit it's threshold and decided to work a little bit. My room is dark so when I finally fell asleep from sheer exhaustion, I didn't wake up until 8.  I was able to go back to sleep after a little while and I slept until noon. I knew it would take me a while to get moving and then get ready so I started the process at two o'clock. 

Everything went as planned. 

I left the house at 4:15 in order to stop and get a diet coke and then make it to the class at five. Like I said, I was looking forward to this.

I put the keys in the ignition.

So, I called Triple A and got the car battery jumped and drove it off to the dealership.  You know, I hate people that tell me what they think I want to hear. Now, I can see the line up of cars and it's getting late. I offered to leave the car and they could do it tomorrow. The clown at the service desk kept telling me it would be very quick and he'd have me out of there in no time. 

I should have listened to myself.

You see, I knew better. There was no way they'd have it done shortly. You know what time I finally got out of there? A little after seven o'clock and the attitude that I tried to lift out of the toilet went back in there. If he just would have said how long it would take, I would have had the shuttle take me back home or arranged a ride but, no, he had to give me the okey-doke shuffle. I guess I got a little pissy with him. Actually, I have pissy down to an art form.


So I not only missed my chance to see my girlfriend and go to a badly needed class, I had to deal with a clown at Nissan.

Did I also say it was still VERY humid?
Can you guess where my attitude still is tonight?
I hurt a lot.
But my car runs like a champ.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


I've been so tired.
Now it's the pain.
And it hasn't gone away.
Now the humidity is rising and 
my attitude is going in the toilet.
Need I say more?

Parts of my body still hurt more than others. I just want to keep rubbing my hands. My hands with the ugly short nails because I couldn't stand to sit for a couple of hours to get them done. Plus, all the filing would drive me absolutely crazy. So as I rub my hands I get especially irritated because of the stubby little nails. I mean, I used to have my nails and toes done every two weeks. It was part of my upkeep and maintenance and it gave me some down time because I was constantly on overdrive. 

There are a lot of things I used to do.

I haven't slept because it is getting humid and that sends my body into fits. So now I'm entering into the wonderful cycle of no sleep equals more pain which equals no sleep.  I did try to sleep. I tried to find my little zen place. It's my place where I'm sitting on a beach and watching the waves. Notice I said that I tried. I didn't say I succeeded. All I can think about are my hands and my feet and my back and and and. The list seems endless right now. The more I think about it the more irritated I get and it seems that my zen place is getting harder and harder to find.

Sometimes I wonder if massage would help but my body is so tender right now. I can't have a lot of pressure anywhere; even light pressure is too hard to handle. 

It just hurts to do anything. 
It hurts to get out of bed.

I didn't bargain for all of this. If you'd asked me what I expected my life to be it most certainly wouldn't have been all this pain. It's almost two in the morning and all I can think of is pain. What a bunch of crap. I could be getting up tomorrow and selling homes but instead I'll be trying to get out of bed without crying. Usually I can get through these times but I can't seem to shake this anger. I'm angry that this has taken over my life and I'm angry at the person that caused it. 

Nope, I didn't bargain for any of this. 

I really love this blog. It has helped me get through many nights and days and flares. Writing, at least, can take my mind off of this for a little while. I don't know what I'd do without it. So as the clock hits two I'm going to try to close my eyes and rest. I'm going to try to shut off my brain and not think. 

Can I do it? 
I don't know.
I'm in the middle of a barometric free for all and my attitude is still in the toilet.

Saturday, July 24, 2010


I don't know how much I'll write tonight.
The voodoo pain is in my legs right now.
It feels like a spring is winding up and
it's so tight it's ready to pop.

I have already been in the bath twice today. On top of it all it feels like my lower back is starting to go out. That is definitely not a good thing. Since the car accident a couple of years ago it hasn't been right and the subsequent pain that starts there and runs down my legs is not easy to handle. 

I just got up and took a pain pill.

Then a dear Fibro friend sent me a message that her pain is intolerable. I understand so well what she is going through. It seems that everyone I'm communicating with is having some kind of flare. Not just any flare but a real doozy of a flare.

I wish I could take it away from them. 
And I know they wish the same for me.

Maybe a half of a muscle relaxer will help too.

The humidity is up and there were clouds circling the valley today. I could feel the humidity rising because I always feel it in my hands and feet. Right now the bottom of my feet hurt so bad I don't even want to walk. I sit and rub my hands just so I can finish typing this. Boy, am I a sight; muscles spasms, pain, and the need for sleep that I won't find. The pain is so intense that I want to cry.

I hurt today but I thought I'd move around and bake some lemon bars and make a pasta salad. I didn't think it was a big deal. Halfway through the pasta salad I knew I was in trouble but I pushed through it. That was a huge mistake. Now I'm sitting up in bed, watching the movie, The Holiday, and wishing for a baseball bat to take the pain from my legs. Now, I can't do that, can I ?

I'm getting the heating pad. 

The baseball bat for my legs is next.

All I want is for it to stop...............just, please, stop.................

Friday, July 23, 2010


ok....I am editing and taking out the first
picture but leaving the other two.
Everyone seems to like the second one!!

My last post depressed even me.
So I thought I'd mix it up a bit.
So here they are.....
my cynical thoughts of the day!


When I stop to think about it,
I realize that the pain
has made it easier 
for me to be alone.

There comes a point when it's easier to retreat than to move forward. I got so tired of explaining myself and I also got tired of feeling guilty when I did. I got tired of  "the look." You know the one, the one that tries to say "I understand" but the truth shines through and their eyes are saying, "oh no, not this again."

So in accordance with my already trusting nature I keep people at a distance. Well, it really doesn't have that much to do with the pain, unless you count emotional pain. When your personality traits point to the glass half empty it's easy to just keep it going in that direction. I've had the people that should have been by my side turn on me and that betrayal really hurt me. 

Beyond hurt me.

I've always felt more comfortable writing about my feelings. It's so much easier than opening up face to face. I tend to keep the wall up and also I forget everything I want to say. I feel like I can get everything I need to convey across in this medium. Maybe it's because it's more impersonal so it's easier to get personal. 

Does that make any sense??

After I got divorced friends scattered to the winds. A few of them decided to take sides and I never asked them to do that. I didn't feel it was necessary but it seems a division of the camps was in the cards. So more friends bit the dust. My dad always told me if you can count your friends on one hand you're very lucky. I don't expect anything from my friends than I'm willing to give myself. I'm understanding and forgiving. I'll give unconditional loyalty and I expect the same. I don't need to hear from them everyday; they are tucked away securely in my heart. 

Evidently, that is too much to ask for some people.

If you can't say it to my face you better not say it behind my back. With true friends we can agree to disagree. I just really hate fake. Even though those experiences hurt me to the core, maybe it was for the better. No one needs toxic people in their lives especially when you're dealing with chronic pain.  Some of those people really needed to be purged from my life. I think I've always looked at people the way I want them to be instead of who they really are. Maybe the signs have been there all along and I just overlooked them. Maybe I just didn't want to face the fact  that people I loved could have been so hurtful. 


I've always said that people will show you who they are if you look at them long enough. 

I won't confuse personality and character ever again.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


One of the markers of Fibromyalgia
is fatigue and muscle pain.
Right now, I have markers all over my body.
I feel like a road map.

It isn't going away. Even as I write this I'm getting shooting pains in my knees. Now it's going into my back. The voodoo pain has been working overtime. Even if I could lie still for a massage they'd have me screaming trying to get the knots out; the knots that are all over. 

I have to adjust my lifestyle. I not only have to adjust it, I have to accept it. I haven't made any progress in that arena yet. I think to myself, "I'll get a lot of things done. I can go through papers and organize my house."  I'd almost say that I'm on drugs for thinking that but it's true. I am on drugs so I can't say that. I did think I'd get some work done around my house. Every time I try I'm good for a couple of hours, I get very tired and I have to stop. 

I guess I should be happy with a couple of hours. It could be a lot worse and I have to keep reminding myself of that fact. Sometimes I become a whiner and the only way of getting myself to snap out of it is to remind myself that it could be so much worse. I'm not trying to minimize Fibromyalgia and the chronic pain that it brings, I'm just trying to put it in perspective for my own sanity. 

I've been spending a lot of time in the jetted tub. It's the only way I can find some relief. I just keep getting in and out of the tub all day long. I just throw in some Lavender Epsom Salts (because it smells good) and let the water swirl around me until I become a prune. If I still had my spa in the back yard I'd probably be living out there. Being weightless in the water really helps me. As I've always told my always feel better in the water. So for whatever ails you; get in the tub. The downside is that the jetted tub is so relaxing I fall asleep. That is NOT a good thing. So I turn on the music and keep the tub somewhat on the cool side. Now before you think that's icky figure that it's 113 degrees outside so it feels pretty good!

Everything we want and dream is more difficult for us now. None of our aspirations have changed but our bodies have changed. Pain takes away the confidence to move forward. Pain loves to play hide and seek and it will wait until the worst possible moment to jump out and say, "found you!!" We don't pull back because we want to, we pull back out of survival. We try to shield ourselves and conserve as much energy as possible because we don't know when we're going to need it. 

I have a belief system in place; I just have to believe it myself, in my heart of hearts.

I believe it's good to wallow in self pity every once in awhile.   ( once in awhile????)

I believe it's good to throw hissy fits because of the pain and fatigue.  ( I'm good at this one!)

I believe it's good to cry and miss the life we had.  ( oh yeah........ )

I believe it's good to get mad because our body betrayed us. ( it's done that big time! )

I also believe that inside each and every one of us who fights this disease is a warrior. 

We're tough and strong no matter how weak from pain and fatigue we feel.

And I also know that despite everything, we're going to win.

One day.

One hour.

One minute.

One second at a time. 

We will win. 

( I need to keep saying this..............)

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


Pick a point,
Any point.
It seems my back is now
 the issue du jour.

Let me run down the list.  In May and June it was my teeth setting off all kinds of flares. Then the heat and humidity started in. Now, my back is hurting. Is there ever a time when something doesn't hurt? It's my lower back in the L4-5 region. I bent over to pick up a towel and that was it. That's all it took and when I tried to straighten up I found out that it would be a little painful putting my tray table in the upright position. 

Right now I feel so confined not only because of the pain issues but because it is just too fricking hot to do anything. I've also been very tired; more so than usual. Today, for instance, I slept until 11 o'clock and that isn't like me. I just can't seem to get moving. I start yawning after being awake for only an hour. Is it heat causing this or am I just having a day where my body is trying to catch up on some of the sleep I've been missing? So now I not only have the pain all over my body, I have some nice sharp jabs in my lower back.

I'm feeling a number of things. There is the pain in my back which has been an ongoing annoyance for quite some time. No, the pain I'm feeling right now is the pain of knowing that I won't be going back to work. You would think that would be the time I'd be shouting Hallelujah and jumping for joy. 

Actually, it makes me angry. 

I got disability from Social Security and while I'm extremely grateful I'm also feeling very depressed. Its as if the experience of the last two years came tumbling down on me. I realized that I won't know the feeling of being on site again and that makes me sad. I loved new home sales. With all the garbage and the crap that you have to deal with and as bad as the market is right now, I loved it. Now, with the realization of what disability means, I know that I can't ever do it again. 

Suddenly the depression is turning to anger.

Some guy that can't keep his eyes on the road has taken away my livelihood. I know this will be a huge fight because trauma as a cause of Fibromyalgia is still controversial, however, more and more research shows that it is a cause. So now that I won't be able to do what I loved, I'll also have to deal with the fight that comes along with this mess. I've also got tests that show moderate to severe problems in my legs and that was definitely not the case before the accident. Again, everything will be a fight. 

I need to prepare for it. I need to keep my strength to be able to fight. I need to stay in the moment and not give up. There are so many issues that will occur now for the rest of my life and I need to remember that. I need to remember how much this has altered my plans and goals. I need to remember that I'm not the same physically as I used to be and I have been touched by an illness with flares that will occur without notice or cause. I need to remember all of this because one of the markers of Fibromyalgia is the blasted fog that makes me forget my own name at times. I need to remember that the muscle spasms that cause me to curl up in pain was not how I normally fell asleep. And speaking of sleep..........................

I need to remember that my life's goals was not to stay in bed and watch movies. My goals did not revolve around the idea of pain and fatigue and they certainly did not involve losing financially. I thought I'd be working and traveling and having a wonderful time. I didn't have limitations and I was excited about the life to come. 

I need to stay angry. 
I'm afraid if I don't I'll forget what this has done to me. 
I can't let that happen.

Sunday, July 18, 2010


I thought I'd re post this video.
It's a video that we wish our doctors,
who don't believe this is real,
would watch.

I wish we had a pain clinic that treated the whole person just like this one does. It makes so much sense. We've got doctors that pat you on the fanny and shuffle you out the door. We've got pain doctors that write a prescription and could care less how you feel. If you even dare mention that all this pain and fatigue is causing depression they think you're just depressed and you're imagining all these symptoms.

What could be better than a clinic that treated you as a whole person and personally? No wonder they got the award for their clinic. What I wouldn't give to have something like that in Las Vegas. 

I take that back.
What I wouldn't give to have a clinic like that in every major city in the United States.

Pain is real.
It's not imagined.

Whether the cause is Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue, Lupus, MS, Arthritis or any other disease pain is an everyday factor in our lives and we need help in order to manage it. There are days that we can manage and days we can't. We need something or someone who understands and gets it. I not only got valuable information from this video, I got depressed.

We don't have anyone who treats the whole person.
How do we find that?

Saturday, July 17, 2010


Just a quick update. 
My car thermometer
reached a new high yesterday.

119 degrees.

Who the hell looked at Las Vegas 100 years ago
and said.....

" trees, no water,
hotter than hell...........
looks like paradise............
let's settle here!"

And it's more of the same today!
Only with humidity.

Just dandy!.........

Friday, July 16, 2010


I did it.
I went. 
And I'm so glad I did.

I debated off an on during the day whether I'd actually go to the meeting. It's in Henderson and that's about a half hour drive from my house.  Did I really want to drive all that  way? Like I said, I went back and forth all day about going to the meeting.

Plus, I hurt. 
That doesn't make me real amiable.

There was quite a few people at this meeting! I met some really nice women and heard some really touching stories. One of them really got to me. The woman was struggling with the pain medication. She'd been on them so long, she knew that she was dependent on them and she struggled with that knowledge. There was also fear. What happens when she does get weaned off of them and then the pain comes? What do you do then? I could see how much pain she was in, physically and mentally and I hurt for her.

I understand the fear of dependence but she posed the definitive question. What happens to you after you go off the medication and the pain of this disease hits you like a brick wall? If you go back on them what happens then? Is it a never ending cycle? 

Are you getting off one roller coaster just to get on another?

One of the markers of Fibromyalgia is interrupted sleep and that one is hard for me. I used to be able to fall asleep anywhere. I could fall asleep standing up! Oh, the days of falling asleep quickly into blissful, uninterrupted slumber. Now, it's a struggle and if I do manage to fall asleep, I don't stay asleep and if I stay asleep I don't wake up refreshed. I've been afraid to take sleep medication because of the other medication that I take and I'm afraid to take a lot of pills. I learned last night that it really helps and that my fears are unfounded. 

I found out that the pain on the bottom of my feet isn't unusual. I didn't know that. I thought it was just one of my rogue pains. Well, if I get gel packs and put them in my shoes it helps alleviate this symptom! We talked about water therapy and vitamin therapy. One woman recommended lithium orotate that she gets at the vitamin store and swears it helps her muscle spasms. We talked about Savella, Lyrica and Cymbalta. Like I said, we talked about everything!

I had a wonderful time and only had to move around a little bit. I can't sit for too long and the chairs are a little uncomfortable. Well, everything is uncomfortable but I can't bring my bed everywhere! 

I'm glad that I went and I look forward to the next meeting. I know, in a city of this size, that there are more people out there suffering with Fibromyalgia. I also know they could benefit from these meetings. 

It's nice to know that I'm not alone in this struggle.

Thursday, July 15, 2010


Lazy, hazy, crazy 
days of summer.
Those days of sodas
and pretzels and beer.

Except when you live in Las Vegas. Right now we are under a heat advisory. All that means is that it's going to be hot. 

Real hot.
112 in the shade. 
At the airport. 
Under an eave.

It was common knowledge that the real temperature in Las Vegas was never advertised. The reason was it would scare away the tourists. When it was 112 add another 5 or 6 degrees to it and you'd get the real temperature. Of course, that wasn't the case if you were near asphalt or in the lower parts of the valley. 

It really is hot enough to fry eggs on the sidewalk. I hate the heat. 

I've been laying in bed with the covers over my head because if it isn't hot enough I've got a nice sized flare going on. The last couple of days it's been unreal. The only thing I want to do is stay in the tub and let the jets swirl around this tired, pained body. There is a support group meeting tonight and even if I have to crawl there, I'm going. The group is going to talk about doctors and things that work for pain. 

I need it.

The other woman I spoke to is feeling icky also but she feels the same way. We need to do this.

Considering that everyone I know is having some kind of flare or problem right now,

It should be one hell of a meeting.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


It's hot.
And I'm bothered.
What has happened?
It seems that
everyone I know
is having a real bad month.

Today, has been a pain day. I've experienced muscle spasms earlier in the day than usual. The old familiar stiffness and pain was present when I woke up this morning. I've also had a hard time keeping my eyes open.

Here we go again.

The old migrating pain. It hurts in my hands and then my feet. Tomorrow it might be my shoulder or it can be all over my body. But it never really goes away. I'm spending my days in a perpetual state of exhaustion. I've learned something though about saving up my energy. The problem with that is that when I have energy I overdo it. Then I end up paying for it.

Big time.

My fog has also been bothering me lately. Can we talk short term memory? Today I'd love to have memory at all. It's been one of those times that I can't remember what I did 5 minutes ago. I know I had a phone conversation but I can't remember what we said.

I'm writing this and I can't stop yawning......

Lately loud noise gets to me which is weird because when it comes to music I've always said, "if it's too loud you're too old." It isn't that, it is anything loud or discordant has been bothering me. I feel like everything is getting to me lately.

Maybe that's what we should rename this lovely disorder.

The pain bothers me, the fatigue bothers me, the brain fog bothers me, noise bothers me, heat bothers me, humidity bothers me, cold bothers me. My broken thermostat bothers me. I can't seem to get it regulated and that bothers me.

My inability to handle any type of stress bothers me. The depression bothers me. My thyroid bothers me and the fact that I can't lose this weight REALLY bothers me. The fact that I don't feel like going out bothers me. The fact that I have to store up little bits of energy bothers me.

Muscle spasms bother me and waiting for the muscle relaxers and pain medication to kick in bothers me. The fact that I have to take this medication at all bothers me.

When I do have good days I can't enjoy them because I know that the pain is right around the corner; that bothers me. I hate being curled up in bed in pain and the fact that the pain is still there bothers me. I'm acting like a sissy because of the pain and that bothers me.

I hate what this has done to my life and that bothers me. I need to get beyond that and I can't and that bothers me.

Everything bothers me lately.

Am I the only one??

Monday, July 12, 2010


Everyone has a way
to express what has happened
to them and their life while dealing with chronic pain.
The problem is that a lot of
people don't believe them. 

Everyone gets tired and, sure, everyone hurts once in awhile. If you just get moving it will take your mind off of the pain and you'll feel better. You need to force yourself to get up and around that way you'll be able to sleep at night. It's ridiculous, no one can feel bad all the time. 

Can't they?

I used to think and believe that I thrived on stress. I loved the pressure and stress of new home sales. The busier it got and the more I had to do, the better I liked it. As the market plummeted the challenge was greater and the pressure and stress increased but I still loved it. It was a giant adrenaline rush. 

My body said no more.

There is mounting evidence that physical trauma may trigger the onset of Fibromyalgia and I believe it with all my heart. When I was rear ended with the force of a vehicle going approximately 30 miles per hour, it did something to my body. At the time I brushed off the increasing pain and fatigue and I attributed it to the accident. I figured it would go away but, instead, it stayed and kept getting worse. 

It was upsetting and frustrating to forget things that were second nature to me. It was irritating to search for words that were always just at the tip of my tongue. All of a sudden  the contracts and disclosures that I read everyday were fuzzy and it was more difficult to explain them. The multi-tasking ways that I excelled in was becoming overwhelming. An almost photographic memory was a thing of the past. 

What was happening to me?

I found out about this illness and then I also found out about the disbelief that accompanies this invisible disease. If you don't look sick you must not be sick. It takes a lot to put on the face I give to the world. Believe me, I can look sick. See me curled up in bed praying that the pain and muscle spasms will stop. Trust me, I look every bit of sick. It's funny, we try so hard to put on a brave face to the world and then get upset when people disbelieve that we are sick. People don't understand that we have a much greater response to pain; in ways that are painful as well as situations and stimuli that to most people aren't normally painful. 

So what happens next? 
I have no clue.

I wish I didn't have to explain myself all the time.  I'd like to find a doctor that didn't treat me either like a two year old or patronize me or give me the proverbial pat on the fanny and send the neurotic lady home. With all the information out there about Fibromyalgia they still have a hard time accepting it. They minimize your pain and don't bother to listen to you. The cattle call doesn't allow the time necessary to help you find and plot the best course of action. You keep getting shuffled off to a different doctor. Don't even get me started on pain management. That's a whole different animal and not much better. 

So what do we do? There are pain and fatigue issues. There are sleep issues. There can be issues with depression. There can be issues with other autoimmune diseases. There can be irritable bowel issues. There can be thyroid issues. When will doctors recognize that it takes a team to manage chronic pain and all of the other problems that can accompany Fibromyalgia?

I hope it's not when pigs fly.

Saturday, July 10, 2010


July is always a tough month for me.
It's been 36 and 33 years
and even though the pain is gone
the reflections are bittersweet.

I don't think that you should learn the lesson of mortality in your early 20's. It changes you and, in my case, not for the better. My parents death shook me to my very core and removed the feeling of security. It served to cement the knowledge that nothing in this life is permanent and that knowledge has followed me, in varying degrees, until this very day. It not only followed me it shaped the way I looked at family, friends and life.

I didn't need or want to know that. 

I'm not sure what to write. I know that I miss them; their counsel and just their very presence. I believe that my life choices would have been very different if they had been here. I think if I had to decide, I'm more like my dad. He had a dry sense of humor and very quick decision making skills. He was more cerebral and very private. My mother was a wonderful cook and could make anything grow. She had a tender heart and showed every emotion on her face. She was hysterical and my dad likened her to Lucy. When I see some of the characteristics in writing I realize I'm a blend. I know that genetics obviously play a large role in development but, since I was adopted, I can tell you that a lot of it I picked up by osmosis. Either that or my biological parents were a carbon copy of my parents.

I really do wish that my daughter could have known her grandparents. That's one of my biggest regrets. They would have spoiled her rotten and to my mind, that is exactly what grandparents are supposed to do and I am certain that when my daughter has children I will most certainly follow that wonderful tradition. Spoil them and then send them home.

It's weird. July 9th is the anniversary of my mother's death and it is also the birthday of my daughter's almost mother-in-law.  When I was born I was premature and was in an incubator for 3 months. I needed to reach 5 pounds so I could go home. I was sent home on November 17th and that is the same day that I brought my daughter home from the hospital when she was born. My mother's birthday was May 26th and that is the day I got married. I could go on an on about coincidences with important dates in my life. It always seems to happen that way for some reason. Is that weird or what???

So July is a month of reflection for me. My parents would be in their 90's if they had lived. The other VERY strange thing is the age they were when they passed away. My mom was 59 and my dad was 61. They seemed so old to me......I mean, parents were old. They looked old to me and they acted old.  I'm almost the same age as my mother was when she died and I can't see myself as being old. I don't look it and I certainly don't act it. Come on, I am not ready to be a grownup!

That's the trick that age plays on us. Our bodies, no matter how in shape or toned we are, do age but our minds don't catch up. I still feel the same way that I did in my 20's except  I just have a little more experience under my belt. Well, a lot more experience. This is when I look in the mirror and  hate my neck. I've never been tempted to get a face lift but I have been tempted to refresh my neck just a tad. That's the thing about aging. You really do miss your neck. Also, when you walk down the street in your 60's, not many turn around and say, "whoa, baby"!

You know, I may be more like my mother than I realize. I started this post kind of blue and missing my mom. She was also a random thinker and she'd come up with stuff out of the blue and I'd look at her and wonder where the heck did that come from?  Well, I don't have to look far to find her. She's right here.

Hello mom.........your daughter is keeping up your glorious tradition and you'd be happy to learn that it has been passed on to your granddaughter. 

We're all just three little peas in a pod.