Friday, October 21, 2011


I forgot the phrase.
If you play you will pay.
Today, I was reminded of that fact.

I had friends in town this week and I can feel every minute of it. On the one hand, it was wonderful to see friends that I've had for over forty years. Our high school class was rather unique. Even though we've gone our own way through life, a connection still remains. It's an easy camaraderie; and a knowledge that no how many miles separate us or how much times goes by, we can pick up a phone and we'd all be there for each other.

We went to dinner, lunches and on drives.
I'm exhausted.

I can't imagine living life in the fast lane again. As much as I'd like to be able to move at the speed of sound again, it just isn't happening. I felt like I was on overload. We took some pictures and I looked at myself happy and smiling. 

I felt like a fake.

I fell into the usual trap. When asked how I was feeling I just replied, "fine." Nothing could have been farther from the truth. I'd get in the shower and when the water hit me it felt like it was battering my body. I'd get dressed and the clothes hurt. I really tried to put everything aside and concentrate on how wonderful it was to be with them but it just didn't work. After I took one of them to the airport, I drove home and slithered like a boneless mass of jelly into my bed. 

I know that the exercise has helped me but combined with the hectic pace of the last few days, I was toast. 

Why is that?

Could the flare have been caused by the sudden intense stress that I felt when I realized that I forgot my ipad in the rental car?  The stress when I realized we had dropped it off over an hour before I missed it? Or by praying that I didn't get stopped by a police officer when I was driving 90 down the freeway? Or wanting to drop to my knees in gratitude when I found that the car hadn't been moved and the ipad was still in the front seat?

Can you believe I did that? Not only can I not move like I used to I still can't remember crap. I mean that's fine if it is a doctors appointment but when it's an ipad and your whole life is in that little thing.......well, it's not good at all.

So I'm in relaxation mode.

No, that's not correct.

I'm in slug mode.

And that feels pretty good.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


Now, I know it's easy to confuse myself.
I just didn't realize that it would be a good thing.
A very good thing.

For some reason the pain that I feel, when the Fibromyalgia really starts to flare, is in my hands. I can tell when it's going to get real bad because I start rubbing the joints at the base of my fingers. 

It starts as a dull ache and then it starts to throb.

I don't know why but it seems like I've been in almost a constant flare for the last few months. I've continued to go on but it it hasn't been easy. The humidity has been up slightly but when I've been this bad before the humidity has usually been higher. I'm not unduly stressed, so what is it?

It couldn't be the exercise could it?

Always before I would have used that as an excuse and opened up the fridge and buried myself in a cheesecake. Then, I'd quit.  Years ago I had a trainer that came to the house and I worked out with him for an hour three times a week. Even after that workout, we'd walk to Wendy's or we went to get cheesecake. It didn't matter because I weighed about 115. I have quit more gym memberships than I can count.

But that was before.

Now, I've made it a part of my life. Believe it or not, I actually enjoy it. Due to a failing thyroid and an autoimmune thyroid issue as well, my cholesterol was hard to control. When all this started going haywire all of a sudden, my weight was hard to manage as well. Throw in some icky medication that causes weight gain and I was a disaster in the making. After a couple of months of going to the gym I got my first set of blood tests. For the first time in a very long time, everything was in the normal range. To say I was beyond elated was an understatement. 

I suddenly got what I refused to believe all along.
Exercise really helps.
So, now I refuse to quit.

Well, back to the hands story. I was reading an article in the Daily Mail.  It seems that crossing your arms confuses your brain and its response to pain. It doesn't take much to confuse my brain anymore but when you cross your arms over your chest, the brain can't figure out where the pain is coming from in your body. 

Amazing, isn't it?

They did testing and found that peoples perception of pain was weaker when their arms were crossed. Part of the testing looked at how the body reacts to the signals of the brain on the right and left side of the body. If you put a glass of water to the right side of the body, most people will reach for it with their right hand. The same is true for the left side. It makes perfect sense to me. I know that the brain maps of the right and left side of your body and external space are linked together. If they are linked together, they are activated together and they react to painful stimuli together.  If you cross your arms over your chest these areas are now longer linked, at least, that's what the researchers found. By crossing your arms the response to sensory stimuli, including pain, is lessened. I think it's a fascinating study and could lead researchers to different therapies that could help chronic pain sufferers.

Now I have a legitimate reason for my brain to be confused.

As if I really needed an excuse................

Wednesday, October 5, 2011


It doesn't happen often.
But when you get to witness it.
It's something to behold.

I don't think you can teach visionary leadership; well, not the kind of vision and leadership Steve Jobs had. Either you have it or you don't and it doesn't come around very often. It's something that is in the depth of your soul and you've been given the rare gift to be able to tap it and bring it forth.  Most of us are trapped by our fears but there is a great lesson to be learned from one extraordinary life.

Live each day as if it were your last. 
One day you'll be right.

It's very true. When given a diagnosis of a terminal illness, everything falls away and nothing seems to matter. All the drive for success and all the interest in the material things of this world mean nothing. Fear falls away because time is short. 

He lived every day with that thought front and center.

I can only stand back and reflect. The profound effect of a life that changed the cellular industry forever; changed the way we think of acquiring music, the impact on technology alone is staggering. My introduction to Apple started with the ipod and I never looked back. I not only didn't look back but I can't imagine my life without an iPhone, an iPod and an iPad. I can't imagine not having an App store or iTunes. 

It's true.
People with passion can change the world for the better.

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. 
Don't be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people's thinking. 
Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice, heart and intuition. 
They somehow already know what you truly want to become. 
Everything else is secondary."

Steve Jobs

Monday, October 3, 2011


I just can't seem to catch a break.
It's raining again.

I feel like my whole life is on hold again. I just don't want to do anything when the pain level is going past voodoo. On a scale from one to ten, I just blew past 11. For some reason the last few days have been REAL BAD. I'll bet they can hear the howl on the other side of the valley.

I had to run out to Williams Sonoma (yeah, tough errand) and I got some cooking clay for chicken. My daughter and I have fond memories of this clay pot that I'd make dinner in and now she can play with clay herself. I didn't want to go out at all. I dropped it off at her house, smiling like I didn't have a care in the world, and came home and got into bed.

And I didn't leave it.

I'm feeling fragmented and raw again. There's something about pain that puts me right back into feeling "not good enough." I tried walking on the treadmill but after stopping every two to three minutes, I just gave up. The problem is that I set a goal for myself. I'm typical Type A squared and it feels like I'm falling short of the high standards that I set for myself. I'm so self-critical and I'm tired of having impossibly high standards that I fail to reach.

Why am I doing this to myself again?

I'm starting to go into think mode and that's a dangerous place for me to be. I analyze, over analyze, over analyze it again, beat it into the ground, bury it, resurrect it and then start the process all over again. 

I even drive myself crazy.

What is it about pain that starts the regression? Is it the pain or the realization that it will always be with me? Last night about 3 o'clock I was awake and praying that I could find a baseball bat to take to my legs and praying that the roller coaster would stop and I could get off. I can't describe this sensation except that it's like a spring tightening until it almost breaks and then it lets go. The trouble is that it keeps doing that over and over again. That doesn't even count what my hands are doing. 

I've used the essential oils, been in the jetted tub, I've rubbed Topricin on my legs, I've taken the pain medication and muscle, nada, zilch.

I think I'm just tired.

And there are pretty puffy clouds forecast for the next few days.

I keep looking around for the license number of that truck that hit me again.