MY TEACHABLE MOMENTS

I've learned a lot.

Taking it to heart?

Well.....not so fast.

Being in pain on a daily basis has taught me a lot. Not only has it taught me about my body but it's also taught me about my soul. 

So, what have I learned?

1. I've learned that chronic means forever. When I was first diagnosed I didn't know what it really meant. I knew there would be bad days but I actually thought I'd also have pain free days. What I've learned is that Fibromyalgia doesn't change. It's there with you in varying degrees of severity on a daily basis. Wishing it away doesn't work.

2. I've learned that trying to fix all of this sometimes doesn't work. I've jumped on every bandwagon out there. I'm not saying that a good diet doesn't help and I'm not putting down alternative medicine. I think there is a place for all of it. I, personally, just don't think that there is "the miracle cure for only $29.95" out there. I don't think all of this is a conspiracy of "big pharma." Having said that, I think the medications that have been approved for Fibromyalgia don't work for a lot of patients and, personally, I think the risks outweigh the benefits.

3. I've learned that we need to take responsibility for our actions. I can't reinvent the wheel. I was born with my Type A squared personality. I loved the stress of the job and the more on my plate the better I liked it. Your body was not meant to live in the "flight or fight" survival mode on a continual basis. You will burn out. I've come to realize that my excuses for not coming down off of hyperdrive were just that: excuses. We need to decompress not only for our mental well being but for our physical well being. Now, for the caveat. Just because we loved the lifestyle does not mean we did this to ourselves and if we just calm down it will go away. There is a switch that has been tripped and, hopefully, that is what researchers will try to figure out. Me? If I do anything I do it all the way. I work hard, play hard and rest hard. I also got sick hard. I guess I've been perfect at that as well. I wake up everyday thinking that I'll set these realistic boundaries for myself and once again I find a way to count everyone of my imperfections. I find a way to include just one more task, one more email or one more activity that I know will hurt me tomorrow. 

4. I've learned that I can't be in denial. It doesn't work. Trust me, I've been down that road too. If I just forget about it and push through it will be ok. Your body has a wonderful way to pay you back. I do it all the time because I don't listen to my own advice. I feel pretty good? Back to mach 2 until my body reaches up and slaps me as if to say, "you were acting stupid and I stopped you for your own good." Gee, I sound like my mother. 

5. I've learned to forgive myself. I know that we hear from articles and people all the time that we are the result of trauma and abuse or our own unresolved hurts and issues. Maybe it's true and maybe it isn't. I do know that I didn't hurt like this until I had a car rear-end mine in 2008 going about 35. Maybe I need to forgive him because NONE of this started until that moment. Then again, maybe that was just the trigger. I don't know. Here's what I think about forgiveness. I think asking forgiveness for those issues can be healing if you have had trauma or abuse and need to move forward from that. Forgiveness doesn't give carte blache for the act but what it does is tell the ones who have hurt us that they no longer hold any power. I think on another level we need to forgive our body for betraying us and changing our lives. I'm a natural cynic who has unyielding faith. Weird, isn't it?  I have an absolute faith in the tenet that God has never left me or forsaken me, no matter what my personal circumstance. Whatever I'm going through right now will take me to a different level; not only in my life but my faith. I've never faulted God for my personal circumstance. On the other hand, if I hear "suffering builds character" one more time I may scream.

6. I haven't learned that it helps to keep our minds positive. This one is the hardest for me. I am not Mary Sunshine. I tend to see the glass half empty and as far as human nature goes, well, I've never been disappointed. I like phrases like, "when you see the light at the end of the tunnel it's probably the train coming at you full speed."  So how do you do this? I don't think I'm a pessimist....I'm more of a realist. I have really tried to be optimistic but if any of you have some ideas I'd love to hear them. I want to be better at this, I really do. I only put this in here because I haven't learned this lesson yet.

7. I've learned that we need to trust our own judgment. There are all sorts of groups on social media out there. If you don't follow a gluten free diet you're going to be in pain. If you don't follow use alternative medicine you won't get well. If you go to a regular doctor you're an idiot. I've seen people used medical terminology and they have NO CLUE what it truly means. It does take awhile to find a doctor that will understand and listen. I'm not saying they are infallible but to trust social media isn't the way to go. We need to listen to our bodies, ourselves and our doctors.

8. I've learned that I need to let go. Life has a funny way of showing you another destiny than the one you carved out for yourself. What I did and had before is different now. I can't hold on to the past as desperately as I want to. It isn't good and I might miss opportunities that show up because of chronic pain. What does it take to reach a point of acceptance? Sometimes I think acceptance and resignation is the same as defeat. There we go again. Anything less than perfection is failure. In my head I know that I'm an imperfect being but the bar that I've set for myself is a different issue altogether.

9. I've learned that it's not a bad thing to be a little vulnerable. This one is hard for me as well. I've always equated vulnerable with weak when, actually, it's quite the opposite. It takes a great deal of strength to admit weakness. I've found out that sometimes I'm not as strong as I think I am. I've also learned that everyone else has weakness as well. We always think the other person has it all together. That's not necessarily true. I think it's more than that, though. I still say it makes me imperfect and weak. It makes me realize that I'm not as strong as I think I am and I can't take care of myself all the time. It's self-reliance and I may not be in total control of my destiny. I hate that.

10. I've learned that I don't have control. This one is a constant struggle. I've always liked to control the environment around me. That's a huge part of my personality. I've always felt that if I can control things then I won't get any nasty surprises. Well, I didn't say that it worked I just said I liked to operate that way! I've had to accept that I won't know what I'm dealing with regarding my body on a day to day basis. That means I can plan but plans may change. I've had to let go and that isn't easy for me.  So many things haven't been easy and I've had a hard time dealing with that. I know it's something I have to learn to accept but it's that darn little word called control. I don't have it and it makes me crazy.

So here's the top ten lessons for the day.

What I've learned.

What I'm still learning.

And what I should give up.

As far as that last one?

I'm not big on giving up things!

GIVING UP CONTROL...HM....NOT SO FAST

Are we so in control that we're out of control?

What are we really dealing with here?
Control and Perfection.
And I can't have either.

I have control issues. I fully admit it, revel in it and have even tried to fix it. I think I came out of the birth canal with control issues.

Let's actually start there.

I weighed 2 lbs. when I was born. Back in 1952 my survival rate wasn't real high. Given my birth weight I was probably about 29 weeks when I was born. I was in a incubator for 3 months and only allowed to go home when I reached five pounds. Knowing what I do about premature babies there were all sorts of health issues that I could have had but didn't. I must have started fighting at birth.

One of the earliest memories I have is falling face first into a glass bowl filled with potato chips when I was four. All around me was chaos. No one knew if the glass was in my eyes and blood was streaming down my face. Someone had gone to get the doctor that lived across the street but I wanted "to see me bleed." The doctor came over and stitched me up right on the table. He threatened that if I moved I was going to the hospital. Evidently, I didn't move a muscle. My brother told me the only one who was in control that night was me.

Control morphed into perfection issues and organization issues. I would alphabetize my records and subsequently videos and then DVD's. I created my own Dewey Decimal system for my books. Even the spices in my spice cabinet were in alphabetical order. When I got into new home sales I would be like a whirlwind creating the perfect organizational system for my office.

Where did this get me?

Nowhere.

I have been rocked to the core when I found out about chronic illness. Suddenly, after a car accident that I couldn't control, I found out that my body was not under my control anymore either. I always know that it could be a lot worse. The pain that I feel on a daily basis is nowhere near the pain of cancer and the subsequent therapy that goes with it. It's nothing like the emotional pain that people deal with when they experience the trauma of great loss. This is more like a constant, nagging pain that reaches up to slap you in the face every time you get a moment of life that is pain free. This pain never wants you to forget that it's still around and will take every opportunity that it can to steal your joy. 

I think from the moment I opened my eyes for the first time I was engaged in battle. It was a control issue for my life and to this day I think control means survival. To let go of the control means I am at the mercy of God and I don't think I've ever done that. I don't mean that you let caution go to the wind and figure everything will be fine. I cannot see myself as Pollyanna; I mean, it's just not me. I'm definitely not made that way, however, I have to learn to see the bigger picture.

Life experiences bring all those traits we were born with to the forefront. The loss of control makes me feel imperfect and weak but isn't that what humanity is really all about? We are really perfect in our imperfection. This constant quest for perfection ultimately ends in never finding it. Even if we think we have it will never be quite good enough. I think part of letting up, even a little bit, is becoming flexible. Did I say I trouble with that as well? 

Usually people who tell you change is good are the very same people who came up with the whole idea to change something that worked perfectly.  I have never been big on it because it always meant something icky was going to happen. Life is filled with things that are out of our control. I've lived that and you'd think I would have learned that lesson by now. 

I didn't. 

So what did I do?

I freaked.

Then I attended my pity party for one.

I denied it.

I got mad at it.

But I still haven't accepted it. 

(i'm working on it.)

(Kinda)

PAIN CATASTROPHIZING AND OTHER NONSENSE

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder,

then pain perception is in the eyes of its victim.

Sometimes I wonder if the people who research chronic pain and Fibromyalgia have ever been in chronic pain. I love reading articles by PhD.'s that feel if chronic pain sufferers would stop thinking about their pain, then they might not experience as much of it.

It's called pain catastrophizing.

It means just what it sounds like.
What it implies is also just what it sounds like.

And I don't buy any of it.

I've been through painful situations in my life. When I was four I fell face first into a glass bowl full of potato chips. No, I wasn't the most graceful kid. When they threatened to take me to the hospital I dug in my heels and said "no."  Evidently, the doctor thought he would be cagey and tell me that he'd stitch me up right on the table. To hear my family tell it, I got right up on that table and didn't move a muscle. When he told me if I moved I'd have to go to the hospital I made good on that threat. The doctor stitched me up right there on the table. My brother told me that the only one in control that night was me.

I've always had a lot of control over my body. I learned when my brothers would tickle me until I cried that I could slow down my breathing and talk myself out of feeling what they were doing; I did it. To say that it infuriated them to no end is an understatement but it will give you an idea of what I would do when something felt unpleasant.

To tell me that the pain that I'm experiencing is amplified by the way I feel about it is absurd. If I could think my way out of this pain I would have done so years ago. I know how to distract myself enough so that pain doesn't have to take over. I've done it.

It works for acute pain.

It doesn't work at all for chronic pain.

Maybe it's because so much stimuli causes pain. We have the weather, auditory, hot and cold and noise being some of the issues that can trigger flares. Maybe it's because they still deep down don't believe that a lot of this is in our heads. After all, how much else can go wrong?

I'm back to central sensitization. People with Fibromyalgia have a lower threshold for pain because of increased sensitivity in the brain to it's pain signals. It's not what happens, it seems to be how it happens. Why they're stuck on cognitive behavioral therapy and trying to blame pain amplification on "catastrophizing" is beyond me. It's almost as if they can't find the on/off switch in our brains so they don't bother.  I really want one of these guys to experience chronic pain and then tell me that if we think good thoughts it will get better.

I've always said that attitude helps us get through very tough and painful times. It helps for a lot of things but it doesn't take away the pain. It is purely a coping strategy. That's all it is. There are affective dysfunctions, central nervous system abnormalities and cognitive dysfunctions. 

Even after all the research the treatments for Fibromyalgia include: Reduce stress, get sleep, exercise and maintain a healthy lifestyle. Boy, I can't tell you how much that advice helps me. Isn't that what we should be doing in the first place? 

It seems to me that the blood flow to the part of the brain that deals with pain and the cognitive function is off. There has to be a reason that they can't find out why the pain is amplified so much.

I'm in ponder mode.

I might as well be.

It's hot and summer is coming.

That's not a good sign.

I better think and write while I can.

Catastrophizing my a**.

REWIRING THE CIRCUITS

My body is like the computer.

The hard drive isn't functioning.

I've had an interesting time lately. Ever since those fricking epidural shots my body has had a mind of its own. Every coping mechanism that I have used to control the pain hasn't worked. I had become a master of control. I even congratulated myself on that fact.  Even though the pain was ever-present, I had coping mechanisms that I would use to exert some sort of control over my body. Anything and everything would be tried and tested so that the days spent curled up in a fetal position would be minimized. I know that I would always have a level of pain but I thought I could control the levels. Control has always, always been my issue.

And I don't like being out of control.

Stupid me.

I haven't been sleeping real well. I mean, I do sleep but I am in that awful shadow of sleep. The one where you know you're asleep but it feels like you're awake? I know we have sleep issues but lately they're more pronounced. Why is it that all the articles on sleep fail to miss one important issue? If we lay in the dark and have nothing to distract us from the pain we will not drift off into blissful slumber. Instead, we will lay there in torture until we get up and do something else or have something else to help us pass the time.

Lack of sleep equals more pain and I understand that. Why do we have the alpha waves intruding into whatever possible sleep we might be able to get? Is the issue in sleep; not the actual sleep per say, but the ability for the heart rate to slow and the ability to breathe deeply enough to achieve that REM sleep that we need to replenish and restore our body?

There is an imbalance in the autonomic nervous system. 

The autonomic nervous system controls our unconscious bodily functions such as heart rate, breathing etc. There are two subsets: the sympathetic and parasympathetic. The sympathetic nervous system controls the flight or fight. Our bodies don't respond real well to stress and our cortisol levels are usually in overdrive as well. The parasympathetic system controls the quieter bodily systems such as digestion. So if this holds true, the sympathetic system gets us ready for flight and the parasympathetic gets us ready for rest. One or the other predominate inappropriately at inappropriate times.

We are screwed because neither one works.

We can't stop the flight and we can't rest.

Is it any wonder that we have pain?

So I guess when they find the "off" switch for the flight or fight and the "on" switch for the rest part of our brain we'll be fixed.

If they can flip the right switch.

CURRENTS AND TIDES

Slow and steady.

Go with the flow.

Stay the course.

I've never been big on changing my mind. Never liked changing the rules in the middle of the game. Never really liked change. There are people that are risk takers. They enjoy the thrill of not-knowing and just the thought of something surprising around the corner causes their heart to flitter-flutter in anticipation. These people are skilled in the art of the leap of faith.

I'm not one of them.

I like predictability. It's comforting for me to know my course of action. I'm reassured when all the stones fall into place. The only change I like is rearranging furniture. My former husband used to come in and trip over the ottoman that wasn't supposed to be where I placed it. It's strange....my personality speaks risk taker but that is so far from the truth. I really like order, security and predictability.

As I've gotten older, I've gotten worse.

As I've said before, chronic illness plays with your head in the best of circumstances, let alone what I've been hit with since this started. It's been like a category 4 hurricane that has ravaged a good portion of my life. It's been three years and I'm just now starting to come out of it. The last domino has fallen and now I'm getting ready to move. Physically, I'm scared because I don't know what my body can handle. Moving is one of the most stressful things that you can do in this life; well, besides death, divorce and buying a home. So I'll be combining two biggies. Let's face it, Fibromyalgia has brought quite a few stressful "biggies" into my world since it arrived. Couple this with the ever-waiting boom that can fall at any moment and bring a relatively calm day that is about a 4-5 on a pain scale to OMG! 

There's not a lot of security when faced with chronic illness,.

So the nice, easy current of my life has had a real nasty undertow. It's time to change course so I can get out of the water. This hasn't been an easy process for me. Relationships have come and gone. Jobs have come and gone. Money has come and gone. Homes have come and gone.

I have to say one thing though.

Through all the chaos and havoc, I have been truly blessed.

I can recover.

I've been thrown back on the shore.

PUPPETS ON A STRING

Are we so in control that we're out of control?

What are we really dealing with here?

I have control issues. I fully admit it, revel in it and have even tried to fix it. I think I came out of the birth canal with control issues.

Let's actually start there.

I weighed 2 lbs. when I was born. Back in 1952 my survival rate wasn't real high. Given my birth weight I was probably about 29 weeks when I was born. I was in a incubator for 3 months and only allowed to go home when I reached five pounds. Knowing what I do about premature babies there were all sorts of health issues that I could have had but didn't. I must have started fighting at birth.

One of the earliest memories I have is falling face first into a glass bowl filled with potato chips when I was four. All around me was chaos. No one knew if the glass was in my eyes and blood was streaming down my face. Someone had gone to get the doctor that lived across the street but I wanted "to see me bleed." The doctor came over and stitched me up right on the table. He threatened that if I moved I was going to the hospital. Evidently, I didn't move a muscle. My brother told me the only one who was in control that night was me.

Control morphed into perfection issues and organization issues. I would alphabetize my records and subsequently videos and then DVD's. I created my own Dewey Decimal system for my books. Even the spices in my spice cabinet were in alphabetical order. When I got into new home sales I would be like a whirlwind creating the perfect organizational system for my office.

Where did this get me?

Nowhere.

I have been rocked to the core when I found out about chronic illness. Suddenly, after a car accident that I couldn't control, I found out that my body was not under my control anymore either. I always know that it could be a lot worse. The pain that I feel on a daily basis is nowhere near the pain of cancer and the subsequent therapy that goes with it. It's nothing like the emotional pain that people deal with when they experience the trauma of great loss. This is more like a constant, nagging pain that reaches up to slap you in the face every time you get a moment of life that is pain free. This pain never wants you to forget that it's still around and will take every opportunity that it can to steal your joy. 

I think from the moment I opened my eyes for the first time I was engaged in battle. It was a control issue for my life and to this day I think control means survival. To let go of the control means I am at the mercy of God and I don't think I've ever done that. I don't mean that you let caution go to the wind and figure everything will be fine. I cannot see myself as Pollyanna; I mean, it's just not me. I'm definitely not made that way, however, I have to learn to see the bigger picture.

Life experiences bring all those traits we were born with to the forefront. The loss of control makes me feel imperfect and weak but isn't that what humanity is really all about? We are really perfect in our imperfection. This constant quest for perfection ultimately ends in never finding it. Even if we think we have it will never be quite good enough. I think part of letting up, even a little bit, is becoming flexible. Did I say I trouble with that as well? 

I was watching a you tube video by Rick Butts. (I've included the link) He's a marvelous speaker and he was talking about control and happiness. He mentioned that the times we were the happiest was when we were in control and the unhappiest times was when we felt out of control. How true is that statement? I felt like he was talking right to me. I am truly the source of my own stress. When life gets you crazy or when you get you crazy.......do something simple. Like washing the dishes. In other words, do what you can do and don't worry about what you can't do. Thank you Rick! I really mean that!

Life is filled with things that are out of our control. I've lived that and you'd think I would have learned that lesson by now.

I didn't. 

So what did I do?

I freaked.

Then I attended my pity party for one.

I denied it.

I got mad at it.

But I still haven't accepted it. (i'm working on it.)

But I am still doing the dishes.............

TO DO IS TO BE OR IS IT DOO-BE, DOO-BE DOO?

Have you just ever longed for a time when you felt you had a real handle on your life? Me too.

Where is the fine line that is forever blurred between feeling absolutely lazy and the laziness that depression absolutely brings? What is the difference between tenacity and stupidity and why can't I recognize the difference? Why do I long to control the wrong things and let the right things go? Where is the recognition of "this is very doable" and "I shouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole"? This is all very good except that I continually want to touch the things that I shouldn't with that less than ten foot pole. Let's try a 6" ruler. That's the story of my life.

My girlfriend and I were talking about issues we've had since childhood. One of the biggest ones was food. Notice we are talking about symptoms, not the causes here. I didn't join her in that self destructive pattern; however, I had my own going on at the time, food just wasn't one of them. She hid behind food and I just hid behind everything else. Our self esteem was permanently marred and we both wanted to be the other. It's funny how we think everyone else has it all together.

As I got older I started trying to see if I could be still and not constantly butt my head against the brick wall titled "things I cannot change." The Serenity Prayer" by Ronald Neibuhr comes to mind. I really tried to say that prayer but the other voice said the challenge was to see if the unchangeable could really be changed. Then with the onset of computers the infamous email came out instructing me to beat it into submission. This validated my puzzling behavior of trying to fight city hall.

Then let's get into relationships. I used to say "there's Mr. Right, there's Mr. Right, there's Mr. Right and I want the one in the back that's going to F*** up my life." There's the challenge of making the unchangeable change.

Now with chronic pain morphing itself into depression a clarity of thinking is emerging from the fog. Whether I do something about it is a different story but I'm at least thinking. I want to know what I should leave alone, I don't want to change the unchangeable and I want to walk away from my puzzling behaviors that puzzle even me.

I want to analyze my responses so I can get a good look of what precipitated the behavior and just hopefully not keep repeating my same mistakes. I want to deal with the pain instead of masking them.

Psychologists are forever trying to tell me how to analyze my behavior. Ok. So make a spreadsheet and give it four columns. Goody! This appeals to my never-ending compulsion to have things in order.

The first column label: What happened.

Describe the behavior.

The second column label: Why it happened.

What happened immediately before the behavior occurred.

The third column label: The consequences of my behavior.

This is easy. I'm big on consequences.

The fourth column label: Trigger event.

Is there something that sets off the first column.

If I can figure out what my trigger points are maybe I can see the dangerous areas and side-step them or minimize my behavior so I'm not constantly on self-destruct.

Now.........just to make that spreadsheet.........................................

As Ronald Neibuhr states, "God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change." Truer words were never spoken. Taking them to heart takes courage and perseverance.

One baby step at a time.

LIMITATIONS

Limitations.

I've never liked that word.

I've never liked it whether it be for mental challenges, food or speed limits.

You notice that physical challenges was not on that list. You'd probably never find it on any of my lists. I have to-do lists, shopping lists, what I want in a partner list, DVD lists, inventory lists and any other kind of list that you can think of but exercise or pushing beyond physical limits is just not there. I don't like it.

That's not to say that I used to have an ability to close my eyes and be able to talk my way out of pain. I started it when I'd get tickled by my brothers and in order to make them stop I'd have to act like it didn't affect me. I got the trick down pretty well and soon in morphed into a master over pain. It really worked for quite a while.

Obsessive-compulsive-immediate-gratification people should not be in car accidents or have anything go wrong with their physical body. They have enough wrong with their mindsets that physical impairment just serves to put them into a tailspin. It seems I've been a human target. I must have a bulls-eye on me somewhere that jumps out about every ten years and screams "hit me." Then someone will run a red light or plow into me when I'm at a dead stop. Thus began my introduction to my new friend: PAIN.

For awhile pain would only show up once a year or so just after I would do something very stupid, like bending over to brush my teeth or moving every piece of furniture in my house. Stupid and then welcome pain. I could live with that. Then pain decided it was going to morph into fatigue and hide for awhile just coming out long enough to let me know it was still there and then hide so I could function in the real world. Then came the onset of life changing events and a lovely little accident and I found out that pain wasn't hiding in fatigue it was hiding in stress. Only it wasn't hiding anymore.

Divorce and learning to function in a job world where you've never been involved. I went from leading a very privileged and very fun life to the realities of the real world. Career changes, job changes, relationship changes, financial changes and situation changes became a part of my life. I couldn't wave a magic wand and have it all go away. With every change, and the stress that goes with it, pain would surface and stay long after the change transitioned.

It has been playing hide and seek for years and it's taken it's toll. I must find a way to deal with my limitations that my body is placing on me rather than curling up in bed and ending up like Charlies grandparents in Willy Wonka. I mean, I rather like it. There's something to be said for everything in bed. Rather convenient to my way of thinking. However, I digress. This world and all it's pleasures are not best seen on the sidelines or seen vicariously through the television. Life is to be lived and savored and enjoyed and to allow pain to win is to live in a vacuum and I won't allow that.

I need to find a balance in my life so that limitation doesn't sound like a death knell. Limitation to an immediate gratification and control freak sounds ominous. I have to find a way to adjust my thinking so that life isn't pain or no pain; deal or no deal. Let's face it. There are people out there with a lot worse things going on in their life than fibromyalgia. I need to be able to count my blessings. It could truly be a lot worse. Pain tends to cloud your thinking so that you're immersed it all it's glory. It wants you to forget that your family, friends, loved ones, jobs, opportunities are all out there for the taking. It wants you to live in it's world and isolate you from everyone and everything else. It wants you to think that this is all there is. It's easy to go there.

For now, all I can do is try to find out what are my limitations and how best to deal with them. It will be a progression from the world of pain into the world of the living. 

One baby step at a time. 

One day at a time 

and sometimes one minute at a time.

PAIN HURTS

I've become a lot more tolerant of my body. Lately it's been turning on me and I don't like it. I better listen because right now the body holds all the cards.

Years of being a type A personality has finally taken it's toll. I think it started early. One of my earliest memories is going berserk because my brother borrowed my records and didn't bring them back in alphabetical order. I also didn't like my food touching. Picky eaters will know what I'm talking about here. I liked my food colors together and "yucky" foods were not invited. I looked in horror as my brothers would mix potatoes and vegetables together or have meat and vegetables and sauce together on a fork. My mom would say "You've hardly touched your food," and being the smart ass that I am, would put my hands on the food and say, "there, I've touched it." She'd also say that there were starving people in China ( see how many years ago that was!) and I'd then give her directions on how to package the food and ship it to China. It continued through the years. Spices in alphabetical order, closets color coordinated, shoes placed by color, video tapes and DVDs in alphabetical order. I tried a home Dewey decimal system for my books and that didn't work so well so I just went to book height. I have what we like to call "my new obsessions." There are yip yaps, dental dots, blender balls and insta-snow. Everyone gets my obsessions for gifts or I just stock up on them myself. My dogs nearly keeled over from all the doggie breath mints I bought for them. I have no clue on how this started and I've relinquished some of the control but NOT NEARLY ENOUGH. Yep. A Control freak extraordinaire. As I look at the control portion you must also throw a immediate gratification freak into the mix as well. Does this give you the tiniest clue????

Well, lets get back to pain. Pain is truly a four letter word and I don't mean that in just the literal sense. I permeates your being and consumes your daily life. Just when you think you've gotten used to one level it spikes and hits you with something else or it will just jab you so you know that it will not go away gracefully. Pain sucks. I don't care whether it's physical, emotional or spiritual pain. Pain of any kind robs you of your life. It robs you of true joy. It's a nasty little reminder that your happiness can be taken away in one fell swoop. You have a good day and start to relax?? Wrong.

The medical community is like the picture. They have no idea what you're talking about. There are tests galore to rule out conditions but not one to rule this one in. Fibromyalgia. The mysterious and anonymous disease that makes you feel like you're crazy. It's the oh-you're-in-pain-and-tired-but-you-don't-look-sick-so-just-move-around-and-it-will-get-better-disease. It's the disease that people think you use as a crutch to get out of the things you really didn't have the strength to go to anyway. It's the disease that helps pain and fatigue in their mission to incapacitate you. It's also the disease that enables doctors to tell you they have the answers but don't take insurance so you're on your own and the cost will be pretty high.

So, after hearing the cost, I'm on a mission. I will be finding out all I can about my mystery ailment and using myself as a lab rat. I'll try vitamins and diet and yoga and anything I can do to see if I can get rid of the pain and how to relieve stress to help the flare ups. I will find out anything I can that will help ease the pain.

Let's start with the drug the FDA released to help with the symptoms of Fibromyalgia.Lyrica. What a comforting musical name. First of all it's not only for Fibro symptoms, so lets get that one out first and foremost. It's for seizure disorders as well. It's for neuropathy too. The FDA didn't approve it solely for Fibromyalgia but that's what the commercials tell you. I love how they show that you can get on with your life but start talking real fast about the side effects. My eyes, of course, went to the weight gain blurb real quick. Right now, I could be in pain but hell will freeze over before I take something that will put even more weight on me that the years of inactivity have done. Cymbalta is also approved for this and one of the side effects is weight loss. Why can't we try that one first? Savella was also approved but how do you balance the pain with all the side effects these drugs have? Savella and Lyrica have about the same side effects. I don't get it. We could all have three heads but hey.........we're out of pain. Obviously, this isn't going to work.

So now I'm researching. I have a new obsession to deal with but at least it's a healthy one. At least it's one that will help me get well or, at the very least, get managed. Here we go.