IN THE EYE OF THE STORM

Tired.

And there's nothing I can do about it.

Just try winding me up.

I've tried for several days to write this post. It just wasn't happening. I'm not even sure that I'll get through it tonight. I can't find the words and I can't find the energy. It's just one of those times when life comes at you.

And slams you into the ground.


I still didn't get through the post. It's been a couple of days since I've looked at it. Why? Well, let me start off with the death of my brother. I did know it was coming but I still wasn't prepared for it. I got the call at four in the morning and ran down to the hospital. He was already gone when I got there but I still wish I hadn't gone in the emergency room. I think we should all remember our loved ones in a "happier times" light. Now, when I think of him, I'll see the shell that was in the room. He had lung cancer and his body had wasted away to about 80 pounds. He looked so small but I pray he's finally at peace. Goodness knows that peace eluded him in this life.


I have good memories but a lot of conflicting ones as well. He chose to live his life in a way that was less than stellar. Our lives were so different that it was impossible to remain close to him. Maybe that's why it is still so strange to think that he's actually gone. I wish I felt more and I know that one some level I do but it's difficult to bring it forth. No matter how we lived our lives he was still my big brother. I also know that he was in as much emotional pain as he was in physical pain. All I know is that I've hurt a lot since his death. I don't do well with death and I recognize that but my body has a reaction stemming from my inability to deal with the inevitable.


It's funny. I really don't fear death. I fear the changes it has brought to my life and I fear how I get there but I'm at peace with what happens after. Strange isn't it? 


Then there is the tooth fiasco. Another one decided to go on a rampage and it was off to the dentist. The shots of Novocaine were enough to make me bounce off the walls but the noise of the drill in my head put me over the edge. All of this happened last Friday and I'm not recovered from that either.


Oh, let me not forget the $800 it cost me to fix my car from the belts and power steering issues that it had.


Is it any wonder that I feel like I'm in "implode" mode? 


It's like a storm that is developing over the Atlantic.


One day it's a tropical depression.


The next it's a category four hurricane.

NOT A HAPPY CAMPER

It's amazing.

Murphy's law is in full force and effect.

Since the wedding I've been unwinding and relaxing. I've been on overdrive emotionally and it's taken it's toll. It was a wonderful day and it's an unbelievable feeling to see your kids so happy and starting their married lives together.

Until.

I saw some of the wedding pictures.

I looked like a fat, stuffed sausage. Now, I know my daughter will look at me with that, "you do not" look but I feel like I looked so icky. So, now I'm back at the gym trying to walk and doing what I can to lose some of this weight. It just doesn't want to come off easily. I just have to figure out how to do this because I can't take the way I look any longer. The pictures took care of that!

Next.

Then it's been a little challenging with the pain. My hands have been really bothering me and the pain hasn't subsided. At night the muscle spasms have also been working overtime. I've been taking my time walking and taking my supplements. Hopefully it will help. I've tried to keep a good mental attitude but I can't seem to shake this snarky persona.

Then.

I woke up the other day and brushed my teeth and my crown cracked. Does it get any better than that? It's not bad enough that I look like a stuffed sausage let's add snaggletooth to the mix. So I go to the dentist and get the lovely needle full of Novocaine. Does anyone else have trouble after they go to the dentist? Plus, the temporary crown isn't the prettiest. Needless to say the flare has increased in intensity due to the trip to the dentist.

I've tried many times to sit in front of the monitor and start to write but I couldn't find the words. Today isn't much better but I feel guilty neglecting my blog. 

I'm tired.

My brain is fried.

I'm frustrated.

Nothing seems to be working right now.

WATER AND FIRE

To me,

Water helps everything get better.

Except,

my tooth.

That feels like fire.

I've spent the last couple of days turning into a prune. I love the water and the weightlessness helps my back and the Fibro pain. 

It does nothing for my teeth but it helps the rest of me.

Today, is the first day where something isn't throbbing.

Tomorrow, I have to go back to the dentist.

When will all this stop? 

I have 24 hours to stay in the water before my face becomes fire again.

I am not sure if it's the Novocaine that is bothering me or if it's the procedure itself. All of this reminds me of pain tolerance and pain threshold. I feel like a wimp because all of this dental work is actually getting to me. I really do believe that these experiences are colored by the Fibromyalgia and there is a definite difference.

Pain threshold and tolerance.

Pain threshold is the level at which the body perceives pain.

Pain tolerance is the level of pain that a body can take before breaking down. 

A person with Fibromyalgia isn't a stranger to pain. Actually, we live with a certain level of pain everyday. I don't know why this dental work causes me so much distress. I live with pain constantly so it shouldn't be a big deal. I, like most people with Fibromyalgia, have a huge tolerance to pain.  It shouldn't be a big deal, but it is. For some reason this causes me an inordinate amount of distress and pain. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow knowing that I will be curled up in the fetal position by tomorrow night and that the following day will be even worse. I know I should be imagining health and wellness. A healthy attitude and positive imaging can help me deal with the pain. It's just that I can't seem to focus on just the positive part. I know that pain is coming and that doesn't disappear from my mind.

So, tonight I'm going to back to the tub and try to relax.

No bubbles, just chamomile aromatherapy so I can cope.

I'm going to try to be positive.

(is anyone else buying this?)

EVERYTHING HURTS

Did I mention that I didn't like dentists?

I did, didn't I?

It was confirmed again today.

My appointment was for 2:30 and I arrived at 2:15 to check in. The room was buzzing because a woman from Chicago also lost a filling and she was in pain. 

Really? 

Imagine that.

We started off with x-rays and it progressed from there. She inserted the dreaded instruments of torture and started in on me again.

I WAS THERE FOR 3 HOURS.

Excuse me, I was there for 3 hours and 15 minutes. By the time I crawled out of the office I could barely close my mouth. All I wanted to do is get home. I can't even tell you how bad it was but she had to do the Novocaine thing twice.  After one session I went for an x-ray ( two of four) and at that point I still wasn't too bad, then I sat back down in the chair.

YOWZA.

It seemed that the Novocaine had worn off and when she put the instrument up in the canal, I could feel it. 

I could really, really feel it.

And it hurt.

My face felt like it was on fire.

So I was back in needle city for the second round. Needless to say, I was calling her every name I could think of by the time this was over. Calling her every name in my mind, of course.  When I got up to leave she casually mentioned that I should begin taking pain medication before the numbness wore off. 

I got the message loud and clear. 

So tonight my best friends have been my pain medication and ice packs. 

We be buds.

THIRD RATE ROMANCE, ROOT CANAL RENDEZVOUS

I am dreading this appointment.

Need I say more?

But, of course, I will.

I've already made it abundantly clear that I do not like going to the dentist. I meant that. Today, I've got the second appointment for the root canal on the other side. 

That means more Novocaine shots which will make my face and a chipmunks look identical. There will be more instruments of torture drilling holes in my tooth. Not only will my face look swollen for a couple of days but it will also hurt like holy hell. 

It may sound weird but ever since this root canal crapola started I've had a huge flare. Is it the stress of the dentist? Maybe that does have something to do with it but if that were the case the simple relaxation techniques would work. 

This doesn't take relaxation.

This takes drugs.

Oh. I forgot something. Because I feel so icky from all this work I need to get moving.....hmmmm...right about now. Why?

Because it will take me that long to get moving and dressed. I think I'll sit in the shower for an hour and then crawl to the vanity to put on makeup that will just get rubbed off anyway.

I think if you're going to the torture chamber it's important to wear red lipstick. That way, if it's going to be all over my face it might as well be all over them too. Plus, it just makes me feel a little more festive.

Important for today, don't you think?

NEEDLES AND PINS

I don't like going to the dentist.

I like it even less the past few days.

First, my mouth really hurts.

Now my whole body hurts.

Just what I  needed.

Great.

I feel like a fricking pin cushion. If the needles aren't going in my mouth, I feel like they're being pushed in all over my body. I've spent the last couple of nights curled up in a ball cursing life and especially cursing my teeth. 

It has to do with pain amplification.

And, right now the amplification is turned up full blast.

This time around I took a muscle relaxer before I got in the chair. That helped the muscles spasms while I was sitting in the chair. What to do for the pain after? Actually, nothing helped. The pain medication took the edge off but all I wanted to do was curl up in bed.

Can there be a connection between the root canals and the fibro flares besides just the stress that there is in going to the dentist? Could it be when the procedures are being done bacteria is being released into the bloodstream? If that is the case could it stimulate the immune system a little bit so that would increase the cytokines in your system? Cytokines are the molecular messengers of the immune system. If cytokines are responsible for inflammation and cytokines increase Substance P which transmits pain messages, is it so far out of reach to assume when you have these kinds of procedures done that it will affect the severity of the flare with Fibromyalgia? Most Fibromyalgia patients have elevated cytokines in their system. Whether it is a problem of the immune system in and of itself or secondary to something else hasn't been shown yet. 

I don't know but I have enough problems managing this crapola without root canals let alone with them. 

I'm so tired and I have to go to a Father's Day dinner at 5:00. I really want to go but I'm having a hard time getting motivated enough to crawl to the shower. It's going to take me some time to get it together and I'm just not looking forward to that part of the process.

Can I sleep for an hour before I go?

I'M GOING AND IT'S COMING

I am still dealing with the root canal 

from the Memorial Day filling loss.

Now, I have to go again today.

This is not good.

Yesterday, I finally finished the last stage of the root canal on my tooth. I can honestly say that going to the dentist AF (after Fibromyalgia) as opposed to BF (before Fibromyalgia) is a WHOLE different animal.

Talk about amplified pain.

I've never been in love with dentists but I went and got my teeth cleaned and did what I had to do. I've had fillings and gone the novacaine route; again, no big deal. I thought I was going to come out of the chair yesterday. I can really feel the difference in my response to pain. 

To top this all off, I lost ANOTHER crown on the other side. She looked at it and there was a cavity underneath the crown and it was a cavity that HAD to have been there when the last clown put the crown on the tooth. I went to a new dentist because he was right around the corner.

Big mistake.

The guy seemed nice. Lot's of credentials on the wall and the guy played Pink Floyd in the office.  It really was kind of a cool place. Looking back, he must have been on drugs. How the hell do you put a crown over a cavity?  Now, I have to have another root canal on the other side! Do you believe this?

To top it all of this is bringing on a real   doozy of a flare. I can feel it coming. I've got to be there at 10:00 and I'm hurting. I'm going to take a pain pill and half a muscle relaxer because I don't think I can sit in that chair for an hour without jumping. Plus the needles, plus the drilling, plus, plus, plus.

This is not good.

Have the ice packs ready.

I'm going to need them and a margarita.

Forget the ice packs.

Keep the margarita's coming.

MY VICE OF THE DAY

You thought it would be something else, didn't you?
However, it's another kind of vice.
Sorry!

I went to the dentist and was informed that I'd need a root canal on the tooth that had the filling fall out on Memorial Day. Evidently there was decay under the filling so she started the process of drilling the heck out of my tooth. I hate Novocaine shots but what's even worse for me is the vibration and the sound from the drill.

Three hours later I walked out of there. My mouth was still numb but I was thirsty. I made the mistake of trying to drink some water out of a bottle that I had in my purse. Water was running out of my mouth all over me so the water bottle went back in my purse.  I know better than to try that when I'm still numb! 


Next, it was off to Costco to get my prescription filled. I can't believe the difference in the cost! Normally without insurance the Cipro would have cost me almost sixty dollars. At Costco the cost of the prescription was 8.72. I will never go back to Walgreen's after this. I mean, that is a HUGE difference! I waited about a half an hour for that; got back into a hot car because the temperature was about 98 and headed home. The Novocaine was wearing off and the slight ache was turning into a full blown throb. I finally got home and by that time my face and my head were really hurting. I almost never get headaches and when I do they are the type that is a dull ache right behind my eyes. I just want to turn off the lights and close my eyes. 

The cool thing that Costco gave with the prescription was an in-depth narrative on the side effects and a list of medications that I should not be taking with the antibiotic. I take Zanaflex at night and that was one of the medications that could have serious side effects by mixing it with Cipro. Usually I don't read those especially if I've taken the medication before but since the Fibro I watch everything. I'm so glad I read that today; it could have caused real trouble. 

Speaking of trouble, for some reason I'm much more sensitive to any procedure involving my body. I've had root canals before and no big deal. Since I've been hit with the Fibromyalgia everything seems to be a big deal. Does that happen to anyone else? I first noticed this when I went for a massage and facial. I used to love them and now I just don't like anything putting pressure on my body. Weird, isn't it? 

So now, I'm going to shut down the computer and give my eyes a rest. I've taken the antibiotics and I've got a ice bag that feels so good on my face.  I hope I'll be able to get some much needed sleep but I think I'm a hope freak.  Actually, more than getting the sleep, I just want to get rid of the headache. 

Good night and sweet dreams. 

Maybe.