PAIN IS A FOUR LETTER WORD

I don't know if it's the weather.

I don't know if it's stress.

I do know that it hurts to be me.

Sometimes pain just permeates your whole being and takes over your life. Just when you get used to one level of pain another one decides to take you by surprise. It kind of likes to stop by and say hello just in case you've forgotten about it.  It doesn't want to go away gracefully.

Pain wants to rob you of your joy. I don't care whether it's physical, emotional or spiritual pain. It wants to be your nasty little reminder that pain can take away your day in one fell swoop.

Having a good day?

Wrong.

I tend to second guess myself right now. I feel a twinge and I know what's coming. Should it always be like that? Am I forever bound to a life where I measure every twinge and jab? I  also can't stay in one position for too long. My legs are starting to twitch so I know the night is going to be a long one.

Is it wise to know or is it better to let it take you by surprise?

I don't know if it's the humidity levels or just the stress of the season. I tell myself I'm going to pace myself and just do what I can. The problem is that even as I'm typing those words I know how ridiculous that sounds. My problem has never been to "just do what I can." If I'm able to, or even if I'm not able to, I keep going until I collapse. This isn't a good way to handle the holiday season.

What am I saying?

It's not a good way to handle this life. Period.

Isn't it pathetic when I can't handle shopping? Just looking at that statement depresses me. You'd think it would be so fun to go out and shop. All I know is that I can't face the stores. It's just too much to deal with and the other thing is the crowds. I can't handle that many people.

OK. 

Enough.

Time to stop sounding pathetic.

I need to put a smile on my face.

Is it working?

Nope.

That's a four letter word too.