I'M NO GUINEA PIG, NOT NO WAY, NOT NO HOW

I knew it.

Yep. I knew it.

And I did it anyway.

Okay, it sounded good. I saw a commercial on television for a clinical trial. They were testing a new drug for Fibromyalgia. I figured I'd call and check it out.

I was certain I wouldn't qualify anyway.

Wrong.

So, I have to be there at 8 A.M!!! That should have spoken VOLUMES but, no, I crawled out of bed hating EVERY MINUTE of my early morning ritual. Wait......who am I kidding. At that time of the morning all I want to see is my computer and coffee.

And it better be quiet.

Let's get back to the ritual thing. I took a quick shower, no makeup and threw on gym clothes. I looked and felt like the rag I am in the morning. I got there and had to fill out an application. Considering what we were doing I thought it could have been a little more comprehensive.

That was to come later.

I had to bring all my vitamins and medications. They looked at all of it said the doctor would talk to me about it.

That should have been a flag.

They did an EKG and took blood. Another 15 vials. If I wasn't tired enough that ensured that I would need a caffeine drip into my veins while holding a diet coke and a double shot espresso. 

Then the doctor arrives holding a ream of paper.

That should have been a flag too.

First, she tells me that I wouldn't be able to continue taking the medication for muscle spasms and pain. You just can't stop these medications cold turkey but obviously she thinks you can. 

Then she hands me the paperwork. 

Let me just run through the side effects.......risk of falling or fainting, use caution while standing, use caution while exercising, use caution while driving, avoid large meals (?), suicidal thoughts, headache, dry mouth, drop in blood pressure when standing up, increased blood pressure and heart rate, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, difficulty sleeping, excessive sweating, constipation, sleepiness, difficulty urinating, hot flashes, SEIZURES, STROKE and low sodium in the blood. 

Oh yeah.......I'm in.

ARE THEY EFFING KIDDING????????? 

Anyone ever see the episode of Two and a Half Men where Alan Harper does a clinical study? It's pretty funny but I can see my hair falling out in clumps!

It's kind of like that.

I'm sure I wouldn't be in the placebo group either.

God Bless the people that do these.

For me?

The side effects aren't worth the $460 dollars they want to pay you to do this.