Thursday, May 26, 2011


It started out as a twinge.

I went to the gym today to walk a little bit. First, it gets me out of the house and, second, I do need the exercise. 

If you don't move it you lose it.

So, I'm at the gym and I feel the old familiar twinge in my hands and it started to really hurt when I walked around the track. Great. I know what's coming and it isn't good. 

But I kept going anyway.
I knew I'd regret it.

I'm beginning to feel that I'm being sucked into this huge vortex. I've started the pain medication and I'm not going to be stubborn about it. I'll then take the muscle relaxers before bed. I can tell right now it's going to be a doozy of a night. I know the medication will not help me sleep and I should check and see what movies will be on cable. I'm going to need a few of them.

I don't understand why the pain strikes my hands and feet first. After that the old familiar body aches start building. I ran into an old friend the other day who reminded me to accept the pain and then move on. I can't seem to be able to wrap my head around that concept. To me, acceptance means defeat and I don't give up that easily. Then again, he's never gotten up in the morning in severe pain.

Could the pain have something to do with the new supplements I'm taking? 

My daughter got me started on the powder supplement called "Alive." I mix it with banana and almond milk and make a smoothie out of it. I've never been much of a breakfast person but she told me it would help with my energy levels. I figure it can't hurt me so I'm in. Actually I drink it after my morning coffee and diet coke. I need all the help I can get so I start the morning out with a good hit of caffeine. Then, I drink the smoothie. I guess I'll never really know how much it helps because of the caffeine but it's worth a try. It's better than slugging down a handful of vitamins in the morning. I know the diet coke isn't the best breakfast but there are things that I can give up and then there are the things I can't.

Caffeine is one of them.
I don't care what form it's in but it better be there.
Then the fog rolls in.

The fog is an other worldly experience in itself. I find myself searching for the right word or trying to remember why I just walked into the room. I have an iPhone and I put everything in the calendar. When I say everything I mean everything! I put events, appointments and even dinner with my daughter. I put that I need to go to the store and what to buy. If I don't I won't remember anything.

The problem is that I don't remember to check the calendar.

I keep trying to find the person inside. I can go out but all I want to do is go home and get into bed. When it spikes I just want to hide from the world. I hate the fact that this limits me so much. I hate the way I look right now and I hate the way that I feel. I hate the pain and I hate the fatigue. I hate the body aches.

I guess I don't like much right now.


Right about now I'm liking my bed very much.