Saturday, January 11, 2014


I'm tired.
And it hurts,
And it's not going away,

There are days that I still don't know who I am. It seems to vary from day to day. I mean, I know the basics haven't changed but some traits seem to ebb and flow and I never know what trait is going to appear.

I was going through my closet and it started me thinking. I know....very bad thing to do. I tend to get the past and present confused. I still think that I'm able to run around in 4 inch heels and, at the drop of a hat, get up run around all day long. Maybe I shouldn't have started looking at my shoes.  I always get depressed when I see the beautiful shoes and realize that I can't wear them anymore without pain. Maybe it would be worth the pain to wear them............

Oh, who am I kidding?

The problem is I asked opinions. Should I keep them or give them away? Then I started thinking again and this time I started thinking about me. The me that I was and the me that could be again??

I was always semi-snarky. It's one of my personality traits that I happen to love. I have no patience with my own stupidity let alone others. I'm never rude but in my head I've said all sorts of things that I wouldn't want coming out of my mouth. I'm one of those people that truly enjoy sarcasm; in all honesty, I'm fluent in it. I get frustrated with myself when I can't remember people, places and appointments and I still get impatient with others. Especially when I'm in pain. Pain doesn't turn off an on at designated times. I wish it could. The only thing I'm certain of anymore is when the humidity starts to rise.

So it's back to finding me. The me who loves to laugh. The me who loves the ocean and could think of nothing better than waking up to the sound of the waves. The me who loves the Roadrunner and Yosemite Sam. The me who loves to read and play on computers. The me who loves to go on road trips. The me that finds beauty in nature. The me that loves photography. The me that loves to cook and play in the kitchen. The me that loves movies and television, especially crime dramas. The me that would love to hold hands while walking and talking about absolutely nothing. The me that would love waking up next to my best friend. The me that also has a reclusive side. The me that is confident and self assured. The me that struggles with depression and pain. The me that has Fibromyalgia and doesn't want it to define my life. The me that still struggles with that concept. 

I know that many of us struggle with finding ourselves in the midst of the pain. Pain has blurred the knowledge of ourselves that we used to take for granted. I'm so glad that we can open up to each other with our joys and our fears. We have the cloak of this invisible illness that we wear around our shoulders that gives us a personality all its own. 

This illness wants to suck the life out of us.

And it's a battle every day not to let it do that.

My problem? 

Or one of them.......

I make stupid decisions when I'm in pain.

Oh well.......

I shouldn't look at my shoes.


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