MOTHER'S DAY FROM A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE

I can't remember a time when I didn't know that I was adopted. I was picked out special so I'd heard. I never had an issue about the adoption; curiosity, yes but not trauma. I've always wanted to know my medical history and I would love to know what she looks like. In knowing what she looks like I find out who I am.  I heard stories about my homecoming and how I was in a shoe box because I was so tiny and also a dresser drawer. I really don't remember a lot  about my childhood. I remember random memories and a few that seem just beyond my reach. For some reason I never felt protected by my mother. I don't know why but I didn't. 

Odd, isn't it?

There's something that I can't quite put my finger on and it affected my relationship with my mother until her death.  My mom had the habit of believing everyone but her children. We could tell her something but she wouldn't validate it until one of her friends backed us up. It was absolutely infuriating. She trusted everyone and didn't believe that they could do any harm to her or her children for that matter. Even when it was right in front of her face.

I had a hard time forgiving her when her boyfriend tried to molest me and then she didn't believe me. That one was hard to get over. I knew that I would have to eventually but it took a LONG while to get over that betrayal. 

Why do I think that it wasn't the first time? Another thing I can't quite put my finger on.

My mother's shortcomings were something to work through however there were so many attributes that I've inherited by environment. She was so funny and loved to cook. She had an absolute green thumb and created the most beautiful terrariums that I've ever seen. She was a consummate hostess and loved animals. She was a bit of a goof ball and was an endearing woman; people loved her. 

As much as I fought with her, I didn't want to lose her. The loss of my mother was not only my loss but my daughters loss as well. I would have loved for her to know her grandmother. My mother would have absolutely flipped over Danielle. I spoiled my daughter? Well, that is nothing compared to what my mother would have done.

The loss of my mother cemented the knowledge that nothing is permanent. 

That knowledge started with my birth mother giving me away and continued on with losses of my family, friends and marriage.

So in honor of Mother's Day I want to honor my mom. Not blindly because issues are still out there but I will honor her memory. I know that she did the best that she could. I don't know why she did what she did. I don't know her reasoning so I've come to the point in my life where I realize that I can't judge her anymore. 

I know that she loved me and, for now, that's enough.

**To my reader from Elgin, Illinois.......my birth record says my mother's name was Mary Martin. If that name means something to you please feel free to email me.

EVER SEE THE MOVIE ALIENS?

No question about it. 

Fibromyalgia kicks our fanny.

Just when I thought I looked pretty donning my Fibromyalgia dress for the day...........I realized I forgot my tiara!

You know, when you add acute appendicitis to the mix and emergency surgery to follow your body tends to rebel, just a tad. I have to love Judy Westerfield. She has a wonderful blog, or blogs actually, and uses imagery to describe her emotions and physical well-being. Her article on Living with God-Aliens and Pain is wonderful but her alien is a little different than mine. Mine has taken over my body with sharp aches and pains. 

Mine is menacing because I haven't fully accepted my limitations and I have a hard time accepting what this has done to my life.  

Let's go back a couple of days. I'm just starting to have a relatively decent day and my appendix decides that I'm starting to let my guard down, just a bit. Oh no, no no. She must not do that....not in the play book! Let's take a couple of sharp stabs and see if she listens.

Nope.

Okay, full blown appendicitis. Has anyone tried to heal when the weather is starting to change AGAIN and the old familiar ache is washing over you and your abdomen wants to take first place in the "let's see what can hurt her more" contest?  I knew it would be a little rocky but it is like getting bashed between that proverbial rock and a hard place. No one can be declared a winner but they'll keep duking it out anyway.

Here is what ticks me off the most.

I know we all tend to gain a "little" bit of weight with the Fibro due to the inactivity or WHATEVER  reason your body will give you in the moment but wouldn't you think after not eating for 4 days you'd lose a little bit of weight? Monday....didn't feel good enough to eat.....the attack coming on. Tuesday......had the surgery......nope, no food there.  Wednesday......one bite of oatmeal so they'd let me go home. Thursday........finally one bite of chicken and a spoonful of rice. Friday.....a few graham crackers AND THAT'S IT. That isn't a huge caloric intake in anyones book. What do you think my body did with that?? Did it shed a couple of pounds, even as a get well soon gift??

NOT ONE FRICKING POUND!

Do you believe that one?

Well, neither do I!

So my body is trying to heal but it feels like someone took an eggbeater and scrambled my insides around a bit. I know they put camera's inside to look around but it feels like they put a whole crew in there. I don't know how long it takes to heal from all of this but I was hoping that I'd get a little break from the Fibro pain.

Not even close.

A DAY FOR MY KIDS

My daughters calls me Dory. 

I forget why.........

Is it because I get lost in grocery stores? Is it because she has to hold my hand in public places otherwise she'll turn around and I'll be gone?  Isn't it amazing that life gives you so many role reversals? It seemed like yesterday when we were at the mall and I let go of her hand ( I swear) for just a second and then when I looked for her she was gone! My heart stopped and I was paralyzed by fear. My little girl was GONE! As I looked for her a crowd had gathered around the fountains and I heard a man say that a little kid was in there. Just as I reached the edge and saw my baby happily swimming in there a man had jumped in to rescue her. By two she was a pretty good swimmer and she was having the time of her life. It didn't matter that I was practically in cardiac arrest. We got her out of the fountains which were right in front of J.C. Penney's. I stripped her of the wet clothes and let go of her for a second to reach into the diaper bag to get fresh ones. Big mistake. You think I would have learned. She took off running through Penney's butt naked. It was like trying to catch a greased pig. After the initial shock, my girlfriend was doubled over in hysterics watching me try to catch Danielle. 

It's Mother's Day!

It's the day that I tell my daughter over and over how lucky I am to have her. It's the day that I remember giving birth to her and watching her see the world for the first time. It's the day that is, to me, the best day in the world. It's not my day, it's hers, because without her I cannot imagine what my life would be like. It is a day of cherished memories.

It is the day that I remember taking her to a play group. She fell off of the slide and the teacher rushed over to her and asked if she was okay. She got up and dusted herself off. My little baby didn't want the teacher to touch her and stuck out her little chin and without any emotion on her face calmly walked over to me. Only when she was in my arms did she fall apart.

It's the day that I remember taking her and her friend Pete Gum (he named himself) to McDonald's. Pete said how much he loved pickles and, of course, Danielle said she loved them too. She hated pickles. Anyway, she took a big bite of the hamburger with pickles and while she was saying it was good and she loved pickles she was gagging and nearly threw up. I had to stick my hand in her mouth and get the food out of there before she did throw up all over.

It's the day that I remember going with that same group to Marie Calender's for dinner. My girlfriend Janny, who was a school teacher, was playing a guessing game with the kids. Danielle and Peter were around 4 and her daughter Joy Marie was almost two. Janny was asking the kids what was brown, furry, had four legs and barked. Danielle immediately shouted, "CHERRY PIE!!" As the group broke into hysterics and I'm FRANTICALLY trying to find anything that remotely resembles cherry pie anywhere within eyesight, Joy Marie (who was 2)  looks at Danielle with complete disdain and says "Danielle, it's a dog!"

It's the day I remember having a technician come over and fix our stereo equipment. I had given Danielle lunch and left a box of Twinkies on the table. The tech comes out and says to me, "do you know that your daughter has Twinkies on her face?" I didn't give it a thought and figured I'd clean her up after he left. I went in to look at her and she had plastered whole Twinkies all over her face.

It is the day I remember running to doctors with ear infections and tonsillitis. I remember making a big bed out of the sectional couch and watching Snoopy Come Home over and over all night long. It was pneumonia and croup. It was steaming up the bathroom and sleeping in there all night so she could breathe. It was spinal taps and hospitalizations. It was fear when she swallowed a bottle of baby aspirin and it was fear to the nth degree when she had seizures and went through all the testing to rule out epilepsy. 

It's the day I remember the first day of school. I was so thankful that she got in to private school. I wasn't quite sure. When we went for the interview the teacher asked Danielle to draw a skeleton. She scribbled all over the paper. I put my head down certain that was not going to go over well. When she asked her what the drawing meant Danielle quite simply told her the skeleton had broken bones and fell on the floor. I guess they liked her being on a different wavelength. When asked what she would do in outer space she said she'd like to ride a shooting star. It's school memories of being a room parent and making gingerbread houses at Christmas. It's scrambling and yelling at the last minute to assemble science fair projects and research papers. It is watching school plays, reading days and report cards with pride. 

It's the day I remember cringing when Danielle would write about her mother's red dress when she would go out at night. Or the time she got an A on a research paper in first grade that she did on amphibians. The teacher called me because she used a National Enquirer article about a woman who gave birth to frogs as part of her research. She couldn't keep from laughing! To this day, not a holiday or birthday goes by where frogs aren't given. It's watching meteor showers with the kids and Danielle missing 80% of it. We now have a card in her honor...duck, duck where??? It's watching your daughters cut each other's bangs and have one hang the other down the laundry chute. Do you know how often I grounded someone else's child?

It's crinkling her nose. It's laughing and clapping her hands at the same time. It's drinking diet coke and holding it in the side of your mouth before swallowing it. It's the desire to please and a fierce independence.  It's a spine of steel and the insides of a marshmallow puff. It's grace, dignity and beauty that she possesses. It's loving her mother despite what I did to her hair in second grade. It's going through all the milestones of firsts and worrying through them all while keeping a smile on your face. 

It's watching her sob her heart out because she flunked her drivers test and then running to the nearby city so she could take it again so that she'd have her license on her 16th birthday. What I didn't bank on was the feeling that I'd have when I handed her the keys and she and Meri Beri walked out the door. It was then I realized that her well being was not in my control. I sat on the floor and cried. It's earning every gray hair and loving every minute of it. It's hearing things from her that I didn't want to hear but at the same time feeling honored that she felt secure enough and trusted me enough to tell me. 

It's getting your heart ripped out of your chest watching her leave for her new life in Florida. It's the agony of letting go all the while knowing it's the best thing in the world for her. It's letting her make bad decisions and being there to catch her. It's crying a hundred tears for every one that she cried. It's the day that I remember all the hurts and joys of motherhood. It's the joy that she won't know until she has one of her own. It's the day I put the curse on her that I put on her years ago hoping that she'll have a daughter just like her. It's the day that I hope her daughter brings as much joy into her life as she brought into mine. Just remember.......NO BERRIES.

There are things we can accomplish in this life. I've had one daughter and a lot of children. I've got the kids that came and lived with me for a short time.Then there is my Beri. This isn't the daughter of my body but the daughter of my heart. She's been with me off and on since the two of them met. I've been fortunate enough to see the best and the worst. They met when they were four and became best friends and Danielle and Meri are still sisters to this day. She has a beautiful, wonderful and wounded heart and a wonderful pissy attitude. She got married and I got to see her wear a stunningly beautiful red wedding dress. Only Beri could pull that one off. She doesn't take anything from anyone. Believe it or not, this beautiful woman also is suffering from Fibromyalgia. It breaks my heart to see her suffering. 

I am a very lucky woman. I have my daughters and now my son. The journey has been amazing. From children to the amazing women they've become. It doesn't get better then this. I love them dearly and can't imagine what my life would have been without them. Well, Beri, I could have done without the police shining a light in my eyes at 2 in the morning..................

Thank you, my kids, for giving me joy, laughter and yes, pain too.  

Happy Mother's Day!

I'M NOT A SCREAMER

But I could have.

I always wondered if I would recognize if something were really wrong inside of my body. As of a couple of days ago the answer is unequivocally yes.

I started to feel a little rocky Monday afternoon. No big deal just a little twinge that was slightly uncomfortable. It was an intermittent pain just under my belly button. I wasn't really alarmed and I figured that I hadn't eaten so after dinner everything would be just fine. Along with the fact that Fibromyalgia can really throw your body into fits of mysterious pains and problems I figured that I really had no cause for alarm.

As the day wore on I thought I might be getting the flu. The intermittent pain was becoming more noticeable and stronger. I felt a little warm to the touch. My sweetie asked if I wanted dinner and I didn't think it would be a good idea. Nothing sounded appetizing and I just wanted to get in bed.

All of a sudden I was hit by pain that was in no way the flu. I tried resting and it got worse. Then the pain started radiating down to my lower right side. That did it.  I went to the hospital. I hate to wait and I'm not good at it; however, after cardiac problems, stroke or something major, appendicitis should be right after that. I mean, how do you know if it will burst while you're waiting to be seen for THREE HOURS. I just don't do well with that at all. I actually told the woman checking me in that I understood how people die here. Then I waited another couple of hours for the CAT scan. Then I was left to wait in the critical care unit until 7:30 in the morning. Finally I got a room and covered up and waited for my kids.

I knew that my daughter would be upset. I kept sending her texts because I thought if she heard her phone she'd freak. Finally when they came in and said it was acute appendicitis and I'd be heading for surgery I called her. This was at 3 in the morning so I didn't think she'd answer. Part of me hoped she would and the other part was glad she didn't. I left her a message that started out with , "it's okay, don't worry but." I had no clue how much it affected her until I heard her voice when she called in the morning. When I heard that defenseless little voice; the voice that reminded me of her at 2 crying for me, the voice that she had when she was scared or hurt and I was the only one she turned to. When I heard the voice that  said "mommy, where are you?" I lost it. It took me back so many years but then I realized how the tables had turned. I was there with her for all the hospitalizations and illness issues but she's never seen me in that position.  I was so glad she was here and not in Florida.

I had no idea how much an appendectomy can hurt. My stomach area is swollen and sore. I'm just glad it's over. They kept me in for 24 hours and now I'm home. I'm glad to be in my own bed and I'm doing what we used to call the OB shuffle. If you've had kids you probably know what this is. A couple of days and I'll be back to good or bad as new.........whatever the case may be.

What did I like about the hospital?

The morphine was outstanding.........

AND THE OSCAR GOES TO.....

This is where the phrase "but you don't look sick" belongs.

And I'm as guilty as everyone else.

Yesterday was the annual Derby Day party at the in-laws. I'd been feeling pretty bad so I wasn't looking forward to it like I had before. There would be a lot of people there and all I wanted to do was throw the covers over my head and sleep the day away. 

I couldn't do that. My future in-law was being presented with the proclamation of a true Kentucky colonel. His ex had burned his and the replacement was coming in time for the party. Not many people can claim this honor but Robert Medcalf can. Winston Churchill is one as well so it's a very distinguished group. His grand-daughter's intended dressed up as "the colonel" and presented the proclamation and his wife presented the plaque. There wasn't a dry eye in the house because this meant the world to him and we couldn't wait to see his reaction to this. It was a bad memory replaced by a very good one.

I got through that and the pain was spiking. My daughter looked at me and asked if I was okay. Of course, I sucked it up and said yes. She walked away and sat with her friends. A couple of other people asked if I was okay. Yes, again.  I guess I was giving it away but I went and got a pain pill and slugged it down. 

It didn't even start to take the edge off.

I met one of my daughter's friends from her workplace. She seemed nice but a little distant. I can understand. It's hard to go to a place where you don't know anyone. I sat with her a few moments and then got up to go into one of the back bedrooms. When I came out my almost son-in-law took one look at me and said, "Mom, are you in pain?" I couldn't fake it any longer. I just looked at him and he sat me down and asked if I wanted to go home. Nope......I could deal with it a little bit longer. The hostess called me over to the woman I'd met earlier and told me that she had Fibromyalgia as well. We looked at each other as if to say, "it figures.......you don't look sick today either." We got along famously after that. 

We put the guard up so high and when we find a little bit of acceptance we find a living breathing soul who is tortured by this disease.

We all hide very well from the people that love us, from the people that we meet and in social situations. My son-in-law must have caught a glimpse when I was unguarded. That doesn't happen very often. We can't take the chance of the pain monster coming out from the shadows. 

It doesn't do us any good.

It would scare the hell out of everyone else.