Monday, June 13, 2011


Do other people also wish they had a real handle on their lives?
Just when I get one hurdle crossed.
Another one pops up.

I've been called tenacious and, so I've heard, it's one of my more "endearing" qualities. It's just that I have an insatiable curiosity and when something doesn't make sense I have to try to put it in some sort of order so that I can process it correctly. The other part of that equation is that when I want something I never give up.

Where is the fine line where tenacity turns into stupidity?

There comes a point of acceptance, I guess. Sometimes there's no way to make sense out of something that will just never make sense. You can't fit the square peg into the round hole and I should just leave it at that.  I used to say, "there's Mr. Right, there's Mr. Right but I want the one in the back that will really screw up my life." I have always tried to change the unchangeable but, then again, I've always tried to fight City Hall too.

I wish I had the recognition between the "able to do" and the "I shouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole." 

I just don't understand why I just can't leave something alone and not try to figure out the why. I guess after almost 60 years, maybe I'm just not able to change the process. Maybe I shouldn't want to. It's like changing the rules in the middle of the game. You just don't do it.

Having chronic pain changes you and it plays with your confidence. I think it's difficult to put up with some of the physical limitations that arise when the flares are out of control. Couple that with the emotional issues that come along with the pain and it can be a real recipe for disaster. 

I don't understand why people walk out of your life without an explanation. It is beyond my ability to process. I know I should just accept it and let it go but my thoughts don't work that way. I have always liked hearing the bad news so that I could deal with it and move on. Without that, I tend to look back and that's not a good thing.

Maybe it's this urge to analyze everything. Well, that's not quite it. I analyze, over-analyze, do a quick once over again and then start the process over again. After that I beat it into the ground, kill it, bury it and then resurrect it to analyze it all over again. Now, if I could just do this before I act, I'd be ahead of the game.

So once again I've thought myself into a nice little flare. I have decided, though, I'm still going to go to the gym and walk through this even though the pain is still there.

Let's add this up.

I've got physical pain.

I've got emotional pain.

I've got enough baggage to take a trip around the world.

I sound like a real peach...................