Friday, June 17, 2011


Is it Fibromyalgia?
Or is it age?
I can't remember crap.


I used to have a VERY good memory. Actually it was better than very good. I used to call it my file cabinet and I could go to the appropriate drawer, pull the file, and go into total recall mode. With the advent of the computer age, I called it my internal hard drive.

My hard drive crashed.
Actually, I think the parts are still pretty good. 
It's the retrieval that sucks.

I hate running into people that I know and their face is so familiar but, for the life of me, I can't remember their names. I walk into rooms and wonder what the heck I was looking for and I really find it irritating when I misplace my keys and other lovely little objects. 

I'm one of those irritating people that like things in its place. I alphabetize my DVDs and the spices in my spice cabinet. Well, I used to. I just don't have the patience anymore. When I was younger I even had my own kind of Dewey Decimal System for my books. Record albums were in order and I was a total pain in the fanny.....even to myself. I told myself my obsession for organization made my life easier. It was tough to implement but after was easier.

It's always been easy for me to memorize......well.......anything. If I see a movie or TV show a couple of times I can recite it. It's the same with anything I see or read. Like I said, it's been easy for me. When I was in college I would show up at midterms and finals after cramming for 3 days before the test and memorizing the books. That's how I got through school. Later I would read contracts just for fun and after a couple of times I'd be able to recite those too. 

Then age shows up and along with it Fibromyalgia. Combine the two of those and sometimes I don't even recognize myself in the mirror. As I've said before, I loved to read anything and everything. Now? I find the back of cereal boxes challenging. I have to program my phones calendar with the smallest of tasks otherwise I won't remember them. So to compensate for my loss of brain cells  I've taken to calendars and lists. Without them I'd forget to pay my bills. 

Now, I have to pray that I remember to check the calendar.
At least it gives me a 50/50 chance.

It seems that when the fog hits my brain also gets overwhelmed by stimuli. I'm more sensitive to lights and noise as well. For some reason the noise in the stores bothers me. I wear my sunglasses when I go to the gym and walk.  Is it the pain causing some sort of distraction? Is it the fact that sleep is elusive? Or, can it be a neurological problem? I don't know what's worse, the pain or the brain fog. Basically, I'm on sensory overload.

So what to do?

The only thing I can do is laugh at myself when the fog rolls in. I thank heaven for smart phones and computers. When the brain is on overload I try not to fight it. When I drive by the exits on the freeway because I've forgotten to get off I enjoy the scenic route.

I can empathize with the scarecrow.

If I only had a brain...... I know that I miss mine very much.

Where did the yellow brick road go?